A Modern Fairytale By: MoeD

A Modern Fairytale




This is a story of long ago and very far away and it tells the tale of a very old princess whose life was so sad and lonely that she was left with only her memories. And so she sat in her ivory tower and gazed on the view from her window as though it was a shimmering screen showing moving pictures (of course they hadn’t yet been invented so that is a very silly analogy!). Anyway - she sat through years of her life after her darling husband was taken from her and she wondered if she would ever have anything interesting to do again. Her children still showed their love for her and she was glad of them but they had their own lives to enjoy and she didn’t want them to always think that they had to include her in their plans. She longed for friends who she could talk to and she imagined them being scattered all over the world (which was, of course, still flat in those days!). But this was a silly pipedream as she rarely moved more than a mile or so from her tower.

Weeks turned into months and these in turn became years and only the scenes at the window were there to relieve her boredom. She would look down over the Eastenders in the village and then up to where Coronation Street led to the castle and she would even watch as her Big Brother went about his daily life with all of his friends. After a while she felt as though she was looking at the same things over and over again. She needed something new and so she prayed for a diversion from her humdrum routine. Her prayers were finally answered one day as she reclined in front of her window, a glass of good mead in her hand (this was one of the few vices left to her - so she drank like a medieval fish!) A magical song drifted into her ears. It grew in volume as she gave the heavenly sound her full attention and it wriggled into her very heart. She looked through the window, trying to see from whence it came and she was rewarded by the most dazzling sight her poor old eyes had beheld in a long time.

There before her were four handsome knights. Their snow white chargers were left behind a convenient tree with a strange little man-servant, with a squint, called Peeve (the man not the squint!) who seemed to be arranging everything for the four heroes’ convenience. He also had a hump which gave him the appearance of a camel but at least they get to have more than one hump in their life! They were famous troubadours who had been travelling far and wide to let as many adoring women as possible hear their sublime music - and now they were in front of her very eyes - and mighty fine they looked too!

To the left of the group stood a comely, tall man, with soft blonde hair which stood in tousled peaks. His voice sang out high, clear and strong and as she watched he flashed a beguiling smile at the gathered maidens, making them simper shyly. Next to him was a laughing black haired man, rugged and rakish, who’s skin had been tanned by a warmer sun than ours. He sang with gusto, impressing all the damsels of the village with his powerful lungs and sweet tones. He stirred the ladies so much that they felt obliged to throw items of apparel at him, to his very great delight. Next in line was a dark haired boy with the face of an angel. He brought the gathered womenfolk to their knees with his winsome smile and twinkling eyes and when he sang his voice conveyed such feeling that they swooned at his feet.

But there was another who took the old princess’s attention the most. He stood erect, his back arched, as he sang. Shiny dark curls adorned his head but these were overshadowed by the beauty of stark cheekbones and searing almond-shaped, honey coloured eyes. Muscles rippled beneath his chain mail and all who beheld him thought they would die of longing. And when he sang … Lordy, the heavens smiled at the sweetness of sound and purity of note. His smiles were warm and companionable and the squires’ daughters all blushed coquettishly when he turned his gaze upon them.

Individually they were magnificent … together they were incomparable!

The old princess rose from her couch in a trance as she exclaimed loudly at the scenes of beauty which were now burned into her eyes , the sounds of heaven which were now assailing her ears and the exciting feelings which began to course through her body from that moment forward. She looked back at her lying place and wondered how she could ever have wasted so much time in lost longing and mindless watching. She set out on a new mission, determined to grab every chance of happiness that would come her way from that day forward.

She ran down to the village green where the happy band of divine performers had stopped to sing their songs but she was too late … they had left; off to the next stop on their tour. What was she to do? She simply couldn’t go back to her boring old life. Her salvation was, however, at hand as she spied a group of damsels marching along the road, singing one of the songs which the troubadours had been singing. The group was led by a smaller group of women who seemed to be in command of the situation so she approached them and asked them who they were. They were happy to tell her:

“We are the followers of El Brivo, the group who has just been performing in this village and we are known as the Brivas.”

“And are you the leaders of this group of damsels?”

“Yes, we are called the moderate ladies and we keep a check on everyone to ensure none is left out of the group or made fun of by any other factions. Join us if you like them and come follow the knights on their tour. You can see them, hear them, even touch them - as long as you remain polite and don’t touch anything you shouldn’t. They are very honourable knights and not fond of any hanky panky - well some of them aren‘t! Sir Purrs especially doesn‘t like to be touched unless he asks you to. Sir Brav-id likes to flirt but keeps his distance and expects you to do the same. Sir Sexeb loves those ladies who like him the best to write little notes to him all the time, and Sir Machos loves all women and always wants to take them everywhere with him in his saddle bags. You may have to watch him!”

“Do they always tour - will I be away from home for ever from now on … what about my children, won’t they miss me?”

“Oh don’t worry about them. They will probably think you are mad and want to lock you up in an asylum before you spend all their inheritance but they will just have to put up with it. We are free women and we can do as we please!”

This all sounded very interesting to the old princess. She had never been part of a group of women who made their own decisions before and the idea of being free excited her. She nodded her assent and fell in behind the pack. She noted that there were four lines and each was led by a moderate lady holding up a picture of one of the knights. She asked the damsel next to her what this meant and she explained that you marched along behind the picture of the knight you liked most. She looked at each picture until she found the beautiful face of the knight she had been so interested in - his music you understand - he was much too young to attract her in any other way, heaven forbid!!! His name was written on the banner - Sir Purrs! She joined this line and was welcomed by all the other damsels who told her that they were referred to as Purr’s posse of pussycats - and that from now on she would be known as a pussy!

“Okay!” she said. “I can live with that but where do we sleep? I hope we stay at a nice inn - I prefer 5* … I am a princess you know!” The others all looked at her a little strangely as they had no idea what she was going on about. Some of the ladies even made a little fun of her. Unfortunately not all Brivas were as nice as they might be!!

“Don’t know about that dearie. The last one could have been classed as a 5 rat room though!” said an odd little woman, in a long black dress, in front of her. The princess wrinkled her nose at this but decided that El Brivo, especially the handsome, noble and altogether beautiful Sir Purrs, were worth it. (She was already very biased and didn’t care who knew it!)

The happy group marched all day until they came to a village in which they spied a parchment nailed to a tree which informed the local population that El Brivo would sing for them that evening. The women went to the village green and quickly bought up all the best seats for the show - ‘well’ they said ‘the boys expected to see them when they sang and as they were their most devoted fans it was only right!’

Soon the show began and each knight enchanted his particular group of fans as he sang his parts of the songs. Several of the group of ladies could be seen feverishly sketching the handsome faces before them - for posterity, they said! Some even lit candles and the light flashed, illuminating the knight’s faces all the better so that the pictures would be better defined. As the knights came to the end of their performance they sat on a small hillock so that they could be nearer to their fans and damsels rushed up to them, shaking their hands and giving them flowers and presents. This was the princess’s cue to get near to the new object of her devotion. She walked forward, shyly at first but then with growing confidence as she approached the beautiful Sir Purrs. As she reached him she held out her hand and he took it, holding it gently in his long strong fingers, as he looked deeply into her eyes. She presented him with a posy of flowers which she had purchased for an outrageous price from a seller in the village and he said ‘Thank you so much.’ in a lilting Germanic accent. She realised that she had forgotten to keep breathing - as witnessed by the interesting blue tinge which her complexion took on - but she didn’t care. He had touched her and spoke to her and now she was forever lost.

The show was over and the knights left the village green. Some of the damsels waited by the snow white chargers but the funny little man servant Peeve shooed them away, (unless they were pretty and they gave him their carrier pigeon numbers!) lest they upset his charges in any way. (He was in the pay of the evil Baron Smarmon, who sponsored the group and he would lose his head if anything should happen to the merchandise … I mean group.)

Tired after their long walk, the ladies went to the local inn and piled into rooms for the night. After a quick wash and brush-up they returned to the serving room in the hope of seeing the knights in their down-time (whatever that is!) and sure enough there were Sir Sexeb and Sir Machos smiling and beguiling and doing everything they did so well to make female hearts flutter. They were soon surrounded by women, eager to touch them and even some who brought along a sketch artist to draw a little silhouette of the occasion. But soon they took their leave as they had been invited to a party at the castle … and they did enjoy a good party! Sir Purrs and Sir Brav-id didn’t go, of course. They preferred to get an early night and send love notes to their beloveds who they had left behind them. … Ahhh! The ladies soon drifted off to their rooms for some much needed sleep so that they would be ready for the next leg of the tour, the following day.

And so the old princess’s life continued in this new and exciting vein. She made friends with other damsels from all over the known world - Christopher Columbus hadn’t invented America yet and England had not begun sending its prisoners to Australia so those bits were still a mystery but it still left lots of other places to find out about. Her life was never the same old boring shell it used to be. Even after the tour, when she feared she would once again have to go back to her old ways, things were much better for her. She had her collection of sketches of the gorgeous Sir Purrs to ogle and she would frequently receive messenger pigeons with letters from her new friends. It was often hard to get hold of the birds but she learned how to inter them in a net - called her internet. ( I know this is very, very weak but I couldn’t resist it!) Sometimes she would sit long into the night, her candle flickering, as she read the missives and wrote replies.


She was happy. Life was indeed good … not least because in the other room of her tower sat Sir Purrs, chained to the bedpost but otherwise treated well! Very, very well!!!!

Ye End!

…or is it?

Chapter 2

Life rambled on at a leisurely pace in the tower (now re-named Purrs’ Palace by the hordes of pussies who suddenly found reasons to visit there!) At first the princess was a little annoyed by the intrusions but the maidens eventually made her realise that the beautiful knight was meant to be shared by all those who worshipped him … and he really was beginning to enjoy being worshipped … in every way possible! Seeing him so contented brought joy to all those who adored him, especially the princess but there was one in the tower who was far from happy. Her lonely, brooding figure could often be found skulking around the tower in dark nooks and crannies, mumbling and cursing about giggling guests and privileged princes.

This was Florid, the princess’s miserable niece who had come to live with her after her own children had flown the coop. (Florid wasn’t her real name - that was Floriana but she was called Florid by everyone who came into contact with her due to one bottle of port too many being consumed under the kitchen table - giving her a nose like a whorehouse light bulb!) Florid was a bad tempered wretch who privately couldn’t wait for the princess to pop her clogs so that she could inherit the tower and evict all the hangers on who now inhabited it’s lofty rooms, especially that supremely annoying goody two shoes, Sir Purrs! His kindness made her cringe and his happiness made her heave. She couldn’t wait to get shot of him.

One day, as she marched around the courtyard hurling curses at the brivas gathered in and about the tower, she was approached by a strange little man with a hump and a squint. She backed away from the evil smelling little oddball but he followed her until her back was against the wall and she couldn’t escape. She opened her mouth to call the guards to come and throw him in the manure pile (where, to be honest, he would have obviously felt right at home!) but he placed a slime covered hand over her thin lips and shushed her into quietness.

‘Don’t be afraid my pretty darling … I won’t hurt you.’ His evil little smile did nothing to relieve Florid’s fear but rather revealed three blackened stumps where his teeth had once been. Florid, however, hardly noticed this as she was much more concerned with finding out who he was talking to. She had never been called pretty before … because quite frankly she had fallen out of the ugly tree at birth and hit every damn branch on the way down! But the main reason for her confusion lay in the fact that one of his eyes was looking at the wall above her head and the other was staring in the direction of the portcullis to her right … and there was no one else anywhere near them! (Ophthalmic surgeons were extremely few and far between in olden days!)

‘What do you want with me, you hideous creature? I don’t have any money if that’s what you’re thinking. My aunt the princess has oodles though - go and see her.’ He gave an evil laugh and she noticed the rotting stumps, wrinkling her nose in distaste once more. (dentists were a bit stretched then too - a bit like the national health dental service nowadays!)

‘Well, it’s about your auntie that I’ve come to see you,’ he said with a chuckle, ‘or, rather, her fancy man, Sir Purrs!’ Florid paused in mid shout for the constabulary when she heard the hated name and she screwed her face up into a ball.

‘Oooh! Don’t mention that name in front of me. I am so sick of that simpering sycophant that I would gladly … grrrr!’ She didn’t finish the sentence as her efforts were all taken up with the strangling gesture that she was miming! Peeve’s face, by comparison, lit up at the sight of her anger … this he could use!

‘So … you’d like him not to be here, eh? Well, sweetheart, Peeve is the man for you, ‘cus I am very interested in getting him back to where he came from.’ Florid stopped, her flabby arms flapping back down to her sides and she braved a step nearer to the stinky little man.

‘You want to get him out of here too? Why that’s wonderful … any ideas?’ She stared expectantly into his eyes (this was particularly difficult given the directions in which they were looking and she ended up thrashing her head around wildly as though chasing an angry bee!) ‘Oh, for goodness sake, look at me man … I’m here … in the middle!’ Peeve made the supreme gesture. He slapped his dirty hand over his left eye and carefully brought the right one to the front of its socket and looked at Florid. She ignored its bloodshot stare, however, this being even more disconcerting than the squint.

‘Never mind … just talk! Tell me what to do and I will have him trussed like an oven ready chicken. (pity they hadn’t invented foil by then or she could have wrapped him in that too!) Peeve produced a tiny vial of magenta coloured liquid from his pocket and pressed it into her hand.

‘Here! Give them this. If you put it in their mead tonight before bed it will knock them out for twelve hours. I will be waiting in the courtyard for your signal and I will whisk him away … and you will never hear from him again.’

‘You couldn’t take the princess too, could you? Then I could claim the tower as rightfully mine and get rid of all these sycophantic women.’

‘Erm … sorry love but my master would clap me in irons if I brought the old hag back to him and I certainly don’t want to keep her … she looks shifty to me … as though she is always up to something. I tell you I think she must already have used a love charm on the hapless fool or he would never stay here with her.’ (do you get the idea that Peeve really doesn’t like the princess for some reason - perhaps she knows something about him which he is frightened she will reveal … hmmm, that’s what I think too!)

Florid clapped her squashy little hands together and then took the vial, secreting it in her very ample cleavage. Peeve had the desire to go in after it but he suddenly feared that he would never be seen again if he did … but that’s another story.

Later that evening she joined the princess and Sir Purrs in the tower bed chamber. They were sitting up in bed giggling as they tickled each other. The sight caused Florid’s stomach to roll and threaten to return her dinner to view but she mastered it and got to her task. The mead was prepared and she watched in glee as they both drank heartily. Soon they were both fast asleep and snoring soundly. She took her lantern to the window and signalled Peeve and before to long he appeared at the bed chamber door. He surveyed the scene with satisfaction before quickly approaching the bed and rolling the hapless knight in the bed cover and carrying him out of the room.

Florid smiled as she watched the odd little man, who was surprisingly strong and agile, disappear down the winding stair case and out into the night. She turned slyly to the princess, lying blissfully unaware of the dastardly deed which had been perpetrated and she couldn’t resist a hefty pinch on her rump for good measure - God how she hated her. (Florid is obviously an ungrateful little wretch who will definitely get her comeuppance later!)


The following day, when the princess woke up with such a terrible headache that she pledged to never touch a drop again, she was grumbling and taciturn … and very annoyed that Sir Purrs was nowhere to be found. It wasn’t like him to leave her without a morning snuggle … something was wrong, she could feel it. She went down stairs to the courtyard and asked some of the ladies if they had seen him.

‘Oh no Princess, we have been waiting for him to come and sing his morning song but, alas, we have waited in vain. (some of these pussies were such a soppy bunch!)

The princess spent the whole morning looking for him but there was no sight or sound of him and eventually she became worried … very worried indeed! She needed help … but where could she get some from? Her question was answered as she saw a mumbling wild-eyed figure creeping along the wall of the courtyard … it was the grey hag who lived on the hill. (have you noticed that no one was ever called anything normal in olden days!) Haggy, as the local urchins liked to call her, was a mystical being ,however and she brewed potions which she sold to maidens desperate for love and to greedy men were desperate for gold -and if you wanted both she charged double! Everyone was afraid of her as her appearance was of the stuff of which nightmares were made. She had a long tangle of greasy hair and wild staring eyes and she was always wrapped in a dirty old grey shawl - she and it had not seen water for a very long time. (This gave rise to her other nickname of stinky mad woman - those urchins weren’t terribly inventive - I blame their rubbish teachers!.)

The princess decided that if anyone could help her get her darling Purrsy back then it would be her … she knew things …so that night she went to her hovel on the hill. (sounds picturesque, doesn’t it … it wasn’t!) The old hag hid her face behind her shawl before showing the princess to a comfortable tree stump in the corner.

‘What can I do for you, your ‘ighness? I am just a humble potion maker.’ She shuffled round and round the room agitatedly and the princess had to stop holding her aristocratic nose long enough to grab Haggy’s hand to calm her. Then she had to steel herself to ignore the interesting little life forms which immediately jumped off Haggy’s arm and scurried up inside the princess’s sleeve … the things she did for the love of her man!

‘I need your help Miss Hag. Perhaps you know of the good and kind Sir Purrs who has been living in the tower with me.’ Haggy nodded her head briskly and the princess ducked to avoid more flying life forms. ‘Well, he has disappeared , gone, vanished … and I need to get him back. So … what do you know about it .. Anything?’ Haggy pursed her lips and furrowed her brow as she struggled with the thoughts flying through her head. Finally she answered.

‘What’s in it for me lady?’ the frightened freak was gone to be replaced by a scary woman who saw a way to get something she wanted.

‘Erm … what would you like? Surely there’s something I could get for you … a nice animal or something , to keep you company.’ (She could have promised her a nice three piece suite but DFS - Dungeons, Flash-pads and Squats was closed!) Haggy’s eyes immediately began to sparkle as she replied:

‘Yes, yes, I would like something to keep me company but not an animal. I want your knight’s friend ,,, Sir Machos! Ooh! He sends shivers down my spine, that lovely, curly black hair. If you can get him here then I can slip him a little something to keep him here and then I will tell you what I know about your Pursy boy! I saw someone carrying a knight shaped bundle away from the tower … and I know where he took it!’

The princess was in a quandary. She wanted Sir Purrs back but could she really hand over that other gracious knight to this horrible hag … yep! … Whatever it took, she just had to have lover boy back!’

‘Okay, I’ll bring him tomorrow night at eight, be ready.’

The hag emitted a demonic cackle and then muttered: ‘I’ve been ready for years!’

The princess returned to the castle and the first sights and sounds to greet her were the weeping, wailing and throwing of oneself down on the floor in desperation, that the pussies were going in for now that they had realised that Purrsy was gone. The princess shook her head at the ineptitude of the posse before clapping her hands together to get their attention.

‘Ladies, ladies … please shut the flipping ‘eck up! This silliness won’t do Sir Purrs any good. We have to be strong, we have to march as one and we have to do what is necessary to get our darling back.’ Amid much sniffling the women listened then slowly began to stand and nod their heads … they would all be strong for their gorge-purrs one! Right ladies … here’s the plan!’

To be continued!

Modern Fairytale - Part Three


The ladies of the posse stood waiting with bated breath (what DOES that expression really mean? - makes me think of fishing!) as the Princess made herself comfortable and ready to explain all.

‘Okay girls, here is what we have to do. I am afraid it isn’t very nice … in fact it is downright despicable but … we have to kidnap Sir Machos … and give him to the evil old hag who lives on the hill!’ A collective gasp went up from the assembled posse. How could they ever do this to the noble Spanish knight … it was unthinkable. Several of the ladies boo-ed and some even tried to shout down the princess but she held firm. Eventually she was able to continue speaking. She explained the bargain she had struck with Haggy and finally they began to see the necessity of the plan … when it came to getting Sir Purrs back, anyone else was expendable - why some would have been prepared to offer their children for sale at the U-buy market. (You needed one of those inter-nets that the princess used to catch pigeons and send messages [see chapter one, those of you who are late getting to this story] if you wanted to buy or sell at this place!) The princess continued:

‘So ladies, anyone have any idea how to get him?’ She looked out into the crowd and saw only blank faces. (It was said in some non-Brivo influenced company that once a woman came under the spell of one or all of the natty knights she lost all power of coherent thought - but I don’t think that’s true … do you? … anyone listening???)

‘Ahem! I might.’ The muffled cough came from the rear of the group of anxious women who all turned around as one to see who wanted to speak. The speaker was enveloped in a blue, floor-length cape, the hood of which covered her head to such an extent that none could see her face. There was an aura about her that caused the gathered company to gasp. She glided through the posse, almost as though she was floating, until she reached the princess and all stepped back a little, fearful of who … or what, might be revealed. The mysterious figure raised her hands to her hood and with a stately gesture threw back the hood.

‘Good day to you posse, don’t want to sound bossy,
You won’t know my name but will know my game.
I am Trilly, but don’t think me silly,
Good fairy of the west, here to help you in your quest.’
(as no one present had ever in their lives even set eyes on a compass, this line in particular bemused and confused them - but then as we‘ve already discussed, this didn‘t take much!)

She stopped and sighed before continuing:

‘Hey does anyone mind, if you would be so kind,
Let me ditch this rhyme, ‘cos it’s a b****y waste of time.’

Ladies were standing and staring open-mouthed all over the courtyard but no one spoke.

‘Oh answer me please, now don’t be a tease,
I need just one pussy to not be a wussy,

Still no one broke the silence.

‘oh hear my sigh and don’t be shy,
Cos if you take fright, this plan will take all night.’ (she was starting to get rattled now!)

Nothing! … She stamped her feet in exasperation before continuing.

‘Oh come on ladies, you have me in Hades,
Please, just say the words, stop acting like t*rds’

She looked around pleadingly and finally, the princess got the message.

‘Erm … please stop all this rhyming stuff … I really think I’ve had enough. Good God is it catching?’ The princess clapped her hand over her mouth in an effort to prevent any more appalling poetry from escaping but she needn’t have worried as Trilly simply waved her wand and all was calm.

‘Ah! That’s better. Thank you your Highness. I could have been stuck in that vein all day if you hadn’t freed me. The pantomime season has a lot to answer for, you know but the extra income does come in handy! Right … let’s see about this plan. I think we should throw a big sexy, groovy party … and invite all the other knights. Then I can do a little spell on the sizzling Spaniard and we can whisk him away.’ It was so simple. Women all over the courtyard were slapping their heads in disbelief at their own stupidity. (if there was TV … and there was The Simpsons …and there was Homer … everyone would have been shouting ‘doh!’ - but none of that existed in ye olden days so just ignore me! … what did you say? … you‘re trying to! - hmpfff!)

The princess clapped her hands in glee, pleased with the simplicity of the plan.

‘Oh, what a wonderful idea. I’ll get onto the arrangements right away … I love a good party.’ she scurried off and the ladies all clumped into noisy little groups, more concerned with their party robes than the problem in hand. (well they were women - what would you expect … I’m only being honest!) Before long all was ready and the invites were sent out to the knights, post haste! it was necessary to deliver them by hand as the inter-net was down … in the dungeon and the server [maid] was very slow in getting it back up. (okay, okay … it’s weak, I know … but you try it!)

The following evening myriad candles reflected the glittering scene to be found in the tower. Ladies gowned in every hue whirled to the music of the minstrels in the gallery and, of course, the three handsome knights were in great demand. The ladies all missed Sir Purrs but they were realistic enough to understand that three Brivos in the tower were worth one wrapped in a bedspread, God knows where - and they made the most of the company.

The celebration wore on and everyone was having a great time, so much so that they completely forgot the reason for the party until the good fairy of the west appeared in a puff of smoke, in front of Sir Machos. He was immediately enchanted by her presence and she whisked him away without the other knights noticing. The princess was waiting in the courtyard as Trilly led the hapless knight to his horse which he mounted, still in the grip of the trance. The two steeds were soon riding away from the tower to the hovel on the hill … and Haggy!

It was after eight (and not a deliciously minty chocolate in sight!) and Haggy was pacing up and down her hovel waiting.

‘Where is she … she’s late! That’s the trouble with royalty, always used to making everyone else wait. If she has gone back on our bargain I’ll make that Purrs fella disappear so far that she will never see him again.’ She scanned down the road as far as her old eyes could penetrate the darkness and to her immense delight she spied the two figures plodding towards her. They reached the hovel doorway and sir Machos sat quietly looking around him. Haggy couldn’t help herself. She ran over to him and dragged the bemused knight off his horse and gathered him to her ample bosom. Machos looked up into her face and grimaced in horror at what he saw.

‘Wha … what are you? Are you a devil … let me go!’ He struggled in her grip but she quickly took a pouch of orange powder out of her pocket and sprinkled it into the knights eyes and over his face and neck. He blinked several times and then visibly relaxed, the trademark smile returning to his face. ‘Hello baby … give me a kiss.’ Haggy was only too happy to oblige and the princess wrinkled her nose in distaste at the slurping noise which echoed round the empty hovel. A tear formed in the corner of her eye but she dashed it away, lest her resolve to gain Purr’s return, faltered.

‘Erm … Haggy … hello!’ She waited a moment but Haggy showed no sign of breaking the passionate embrace (would you?) so she tapped her roughly on the shoulder. Miss Hag … We have a bargain. Tell me the whereabouts of my darling one or I will return Sir Machos to his compatriots.’ Haggy lifted her head and her shifty eyes flickered over the princess.

‘And how, exactly could you do that? I could bewitch you and anyone else who tried to take this honey-pie away from me. I don’t have to do anything if I don’t want to … and no one can make me.’

The air began to shimmer with expectation and Haggy looked up in fear as there was a blinding flash from which Trilly appeared. (she was very keen on spectacular entrances!)

‘I think you’ll find that I can, Stinky, my old mate.’ (they went way back and had moved in the same circles in Fairydom until Haggy was thrown out for her excesses with love potions … the woman was insatiable!)

‘Oh! Trilly … how lovely to see you again … I was only kidding, don’t worry. Just wanted to wind the princess up … hahaha! Of course I’ll tell her what happened to Sir Purrs.’ She jumped up so quickly that Sir Machos rolled off her lap and into the dust but she hardly noticed. Haggy was very well aware that Trilly was an extremely powerful fairy who could cause her untold problems in this world as well as preventing her proposed re-instatement in Fairydom. (Don’tcha just love it when the baddie has to grovel!) Haggy turned to the Princess, a hopeful smile plastered across her features. ‘You can take a joke, can’t you princess.’ The princess never moved her steady gaze from Haggy and the less than perfect fairy fell to her knees. ‘Okay, okay, I’ll tell you what I want to know. I saw that little creep Peeve carrying Sir Purrs away from the castle the other night. He had to get him back, you see, before that nasty Baron Smarmon lopped his head off for losing one quarter of his meal ticket!’ (That’s the trouble with powerful men - they always have someone ready to blame for everything … don’t you wish you had!)

‘So … he took him back to Smarmon did he?’ The princess was thinking hard … how would she get him out of the evil Baron’s clutches once and for all. She walked towards the door, lost in her musing but before she left she turned and asked:

‘Peeve, you say … but how did he get into the tower? I would have never let him darken its portcullis.’

‘Florid helped him. She drugged you and Purrsy then let Peeve in to carry him away.’

The words struck the Princess like a hammer.

‘Florid, my niece … she helped him? I can’t believe she could do this to me. She was more than a relative … she was my friend … or so I thought … just shows how wrong you can be.’ The princess again turned to the door and left, an unbelievably sad expression had replaced the thoughtful one and now the tears fell freely. She had been betrayed by one she thought she could trust.

All the way back down the hill to the tower the princess rode, lost in thought and slowly the hot hurt of the betrayal was replaced by the cold fury of the need for revenge. By the time she reached the gatehouse she was ready for a battle. She jumped off the horse, belying her years and stalked into the tower … she was livid!. The party was still in full swing but many of the maidens sidled over to her to see if the plan had gone well. She brushed them aside with a murmured ‘yes’ and sought out Florid, who was standing away to one side, with her own little group of cronies.

‘Floriana, how could you do this to me?’ Florid blushed at the sudden onslaught and then blustered something to her friends about having no idea what she was on about. They sniggered on cue but Florid was worried. She had never seen her aunt like this before.

‘What’s the matter Auntie?’ she wheedled. ‘Has somebody upset you?’ (Florid was still of the opinion that she would be able to make the princess see things her way … she was wrong!’

‘I know everything! You let Peeve in after drugging me and Sir Purrs and he kidnapped the dear man. You must really hate me but why didn’t you just come out and say it instead of being so under-hand?’ Florid attempted a reply but the princess held up a haughty hand.

‘No! The time for explanations are over. You have betrayed my trust and that I will not tolerate. Be gone from my tower, I hereby banish you from my tiny kingdom. I don’t ever want the misfortune of being in the same room as you again. Take your little band with you, you deserve each other.’ (Hmmm - the princess is really upset with Horrid Florid but hey ho … she deserves it! And remember I told you last episode that she would get her comeuppance!)

Florid saw that her position was hopeless so she turned on her heel and crept out of the room, carefully trying to avoid the pinches and slaps of the princess’s friends - she had a lot of them! And her sycophantic friends shuffled along behind her, their will bent to hers as always like a herd of silly sheep - but as they went they could be seen exchanging glances as though wondering if they may have chosen the wrong shepherdess!

The posse gathered around, murmuring their condolences about the betrayal but the princess shushed them - she was in no mood for pleasantries tonight … they had a hunk to rescue! She smiled as she prepared to speak - she was ready for a battle!

Modern Fairytale - Part 4 - The Rescue!

‘Right, here’s what we are going to do … not only are we going to rescue our darling Sir Purrs, (she had to pause here for the collective sighs of longing to die down,) but,’ she cleared her throat and raised the volume of her voice so as to be heard by all, ‘we are going to remove all of the lovely knights from the evil influence of that nasty Smarmon fella. It is because of him that Peeve did what he did so it is he that we have to attack. While the handsome and noble Sir Bravid and the extremely cute and dashing Sir Sexeb are here in the tower we need to make them aware of the evil that has been perpetrated in their nasty mentor’s name (readers, feel free to boo here in best Saturday matinee fashion!) and then surely they will aid us in our quest to free the beautiful one. We have to break Smarmon’s evil influence once and for all. Then there is the problem of Sir Machos. I simply could not live with myself knowing that the poor man was languishing in the hell that Haggy was providing for him.

‘Is he being treated really badly … is she torturing him?’ The speaker, a comely maiden who had recently joined their ranks from a far off land - well Warwickshire actually - and was secretly only hanging around in case the sultry Spaniard called on his knightly friend, (that’s knightly … not nightly - no smut here!) at the tower, couldn’t keep the shudder out of her voice. The princess looked at her with sympathy in her gaze. She was well aware of the maiden’s allegiance to a knight other than Sir Purrs but she tolerated it … because she liked her! She attempted to let her down as gently as possible.

‘My dear friend, I am afraid he will be undergoing horrors far worse than mere physical pain.’ She grimaced as images of the possibilities ran though her brain and the lass from the midlands covered her face in horror before swooning to the floor. (Methinks the princess needs to brush up on her technique of letting people down lightly!) Several ladies rushed to her aid, fanning her face and placing evil smelling pomanders beneath her nose. Eventually she recovered her senses and the princess was able to resume. ‘So … we need to free the knight from her clutches before it is too late. I have given this some thought on my ride back to the tower and I think we should bring in his band of fans. That’s right … call in Sir Machos’ Maidenly Mob!’ There was much muttering of dissent at this point as there had frequently been friction between the fan factions, (that was a difficult sentence to type, never mind say!) but, generally speaking they all agreed that El Brivo as a whole wonderful group was the important thing and this kept them together. Now was not the time for dissention in the ranks. What was needed was solidarity. The ladies quietened on another signal from the princess and together they made plans to bring about their desires.

The Posse decided that as they were bringing in the Maidenly Mob they might as well include the ladies from Sir Bravid’s Bunch of Beauties and Sir Sexeb’s Sultry Sugars. Soon all was ready and the wonderful inter-net was employed and the messenger pigeons sent to the special places where the other fan groups met: the bungalow, the semi and the maisonette! (no one was entirely sure where these strange names had originated but some said that they were coined by a moderate lady who claimed she could see into the future and saw different types of dwellings by these names - but that’s stretching it a bit, even for me!) . Together these groups of fans were more than a match for those who would be unkind to their darlings such as those who said horrible things about their singing ability and happy banter … called nasty, bad-mouthing critter - [ic] s (yep, I am really reaching for these references again … whatever did I get myself into with those first TV analogies!) Anyway, the point is, they would be able to deal with anything which threatened the future of El Brivo.

Before the day was out fans were pouring into the tower from all corners of the Brivo kingdom. All had a common goal. All were ready for the fight. All were ready to do battle, no matter the cost, in the cause of their Brivo. (All were hoping and praying that I’d cut the rhetoric and get on with the bl***y story!)

The two handsome knights had been made aware of all the circumstances and were aghast! They had no idea that Smarmon could be so underhand, (they had obviously never seen Pop Idol!) and they vowed to do everything in their power to free their comrades. This was unfortunately not going to be an awful lot though as they were both definitely the kind of knights who would be described as lovers not fighters but they had their ladies and it was enough that they encouraged them to help.
Soon everyone was gathered together in the great hall and eagerly awaiting the details of the plan for the liberation of the knights. Eventually the princess entered and no one present could fail to notice the look of self- satisfaction she wore on her face. Everyone was excited by this as it meant that she was very happy with her plan. (Well, okay … she was downright cocky!) She clambered onto a convenient coffee table (yes I know Coffee hadn’t been bestowed on us, a grateful nation, until the 16th Century but ‘mead table’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it!) She held her hands up to quell the murmuring, (people were still wondering why it was called a coffee table!) and waited for calm.

“ Hello Ladies and beauteous knights. I am so happy to see you all here tonight, ready to march forward into the fray to free our missing Brivo’s. I am delighted to tell you that we have unexpected allies in our quest.” She turned towards the doorway to an ante-chamber, (wonder why it was called that … was there also an uncle-chamber?) lifting her hands in welcome. “May I present qua … wha …Juanita and hoq … ho … Josefina, the twin warrior princesses; descended from the ancient line of Boudicca, Queen of the Iceni … and absolutely scared of nothing or no one… not ever!!! (Her pathetic attempts at getting the correct Spanish pronunciation of their names merely bemused the crowd as she only succeeded in sounding like a cat bringing up a fur ball!)

All eyes turned towards the doorway and then gasps were heard from various points around the room as the two fierce looking women stalked into their presence . They were a sight to behold … bare breasted, clothed from the waist down in exotic furs … and blue! (Many present assumed this was Woad, due to the Boudicca connection but in actual fact it was merely cold as the women had travelled from sunny Espana to save their countryman and weren’t exactly prepared for our soft British summer … rain and temperatures of 12 degrees or less! Believe you me it is extremely difficult to fashion a hat, scarf and gloves, let alone a bra from Ermine tails!)

They were tall, almost statuesque women, lithe limbed and strikingly beautiful with raven hair and tanned skin (under the blue the colour was slowly returning as they stood by the fire!) but they were also a little scary.

They stared at the assembled company haughtily and everyone stared warily back. The princess broke the ice by encouraging a smattering of applause - which the warriors obviously saw as their due and they relaxed visibly and joined the princess on the table. It groaned ominously and they leapt off just as quickly as they had jumped on, just before the miss-used piece of furniture gave way, throwing the princess into an ungainly heap amid its ruins. Sir Sexeb and Sir Bravid ran to her aid but forgot their purpose entirely when given the chance to … examine the women’s attire, or lack of it, up close. (Men!!!)

“Ahem … down here gentlemen!” The princess held out a hand for them to help her to her feet, whilst all the time frowning at their lack of chivalry and the knights were suitably embarrassed but couldn’t help stealing surreptitious glances at the heaving bosoms right before their eyes. So much so that they missed making contact with said hand on three occasions until finally she slapped their fingers away and scrambled to her feet alone. (I could say the slaps were an example of tit for tat … but I don’t want to get thrown off … so I won’t! I told you … no smut here!)

Eventually order was restored and plans were explained and it was agreed that they would march on their objectives the following morning at dawn.

As the first rays of light crept along the walls of the tower the warrior princesses led a band of Machos’ maidens out onto the road. They covered the ground quickly and were up the hill and surrounding the hovel before the birds had begun their morning chorus. Juanita and Josefina approached the door and on a count of three shoulder-charged the wood until it splintered under their combined strength. (Of course turning the door handle would have had the desired effect as Haggy never bothered to lock her door … well, she had nothing worth stealing but the princesses liked to make a spectacular entrance whenever they could … new women! - what can I say?)

As they marched into the hovel, hastily followed by the mob, Haggy sat up amid the nest of smelly rags which served as her bed and rubbed her eyes.

“Wha… what are you lot doing here … do you know what time it is? (her sundial was broken or she would have known herself!) The assembled crowd ignored her and searched desperately around the room for the dashing Sir Machos. They eventually found him … looking anything but dashing. He was curled up in a corner, fast asleep and wearing a pink tutu and a sequined tiara. (Yes … Haggy was a very strange woman with unusual needs and desires … enough said!) When Haggy saw the women close by her prize she was instantly awake and she dashed over and tried to shield him from their eyes. Angry murmurs rose from his mob of devoted maidens as they saw the extent of his fall from grace. At that moment he awoke, looked around and then the searchlight smile illuminated his features.

“Hello babies … have you come to get into my saddlebags?” He laughed suggestively at his well worn joke and his maidens couldn’t resist joining in. Haggy was outraged and she rummaged about in her pocket for the bag of orange fairy dust which would once more block out every woman but her from his vision. As she pulled the pouch from her pocket Juanita and Josefina charged over and grabbed her hands roughly, preventing her from sprinkling the insidious charm over the hapless knight.

“Trilly told me you would have some such devil’s magic to hold him here,” shouted Juanita as she dashed the bag from Haggy’s grasping fingers so that its contents spilled over the rough earthen floor. Haggy screamed.

“Noooo!” but it was too late and the dust mixed with the filth and ordure to be found there and was rendered useless. (If only she had been a less slovenly house keeper she may have been able to save some … surely a lesson for all of us … should we ever have access to fairy dust and a gorgeous gentleman of our choice comes a calling then we must make sure we have nipped round with the hoover beforehand!)

She lay on the floor kicking and screaming and then changed tack, now preferring to grab the bemused knight and attempt to rub his face into the floor. This was simply too much for his mob of fans who, as one, rushed at the desperate woman and dragged her outside where, without further ado, they slung her into the convenient duck pond. This was the nearest thing she had had to a bath in twenty years and the resultant slick on the surface of the water drove every type of fish and fowl from that place for the next hundred years. (it would have been declared a national disaster nowadays and teams of hazard-suited volunteers would have been busy spraying everything in sight … Greenpeace would have undoubtedly launched a hit and run abseil into the house of commons to demand action!)

The princesses gently picked their countryman up and dusted off his tutu. He looked into the face of Juanita who had the very enviable job of dusting his front and instantly fell in love with his beauteous saviour. Then the identical Josefina came before him and he felt sure he had died and gone to heaven … two beauties for the price of one. He offered each an arm and smiled.
“Come on babies … lets go and make beautiful music together.” As the three left he could be heard singing the strains of a tender love song: “You can leave your hat on!” (As a certain gentleman with a name very similar to Bravid would say … Ah, romance!)

In the meantime the princess, Trilly, Sir Bravid, Sir Sexeb and all the bands of fans were to be found marching in the opposite direction until they came upon Baron Smarmon’s stronghold and as they reached it their belligerence could be seen by all. Unfortunately those who did see it included Peeve who scampered down the stairs of the battlements as fast as his ungainly gait would allow. He dashed into the great hall where Smarmon was busy counting his hordes of gold.

“Get out, you ugly little bunion on the foot of a camel! (He had some neighbours who had travelled here from the far east to sell a flammable oil they had in abundance and he had learned some interesting curses from them!) Can’t you see that I’m busy.” He gathered as much of the gold as he could into his chest and sat staring balefully at the cowering little man.

“Please sir … if I could just interrupt your ‘ighness for a moment … there’s a mob surrounding the castle and Sir Sexeb and Sir Bravid are with them! Unless I’m very much mistaken, oh exalted one … they’ve come to get Purrs back … that damned meddlesome princess is with them.” Smarmon leapt to his feet and hitched the belt of his tunic up under his armpits. (He felt much more comfortable with high-waisted garments for some reason!) He dashed over to the window and surveyed the crowds surrounding his castle.

“Go on … clear off … getcha!” He bellowed as he brandished a fist in their direction. The crowd began to titter and then openly guffaw … they could see his gestures and his red angry face but they couldn’t hear a word because the angry Baron had recently improved his windows. (I bet you can see this one coming but I’ll do it anyway! A marvellous new company had supplied him with an amazing see through material which was made from old doublets and icing sugar and was stretched across the insides of the windows to keep out noise and keep the palatial home toasty warm. It was called … Everight’s Doublet Glaze-ing … boom … boom!!!) [Ahhh … a new low has now been achieved in the annals of Moe’s horrible puns - Thank you, thank you - I‘ll be here all week!]

Eventually the crowd managed to pull itself together and remember what it was there for and, led by the two comely knights they stormed into the castle courtyard. Once there they swarmed over every nook and cranny but could find no trace of the wonderfully handsome Sir Purrs. They were stopped in their tracks, however, by the baron’s cold voice.

“Ahem,” he coughed, “would you lot mind telling me exactly what you are doing here. Well that is if you can fit it in before I throw you in the dungeons, clap you in irons and let my torturers do other unspeakable things to you. And Sexeb and Bravid - what the hell are you doing? You should be upstairs ready to go over the plans for the next leg of the tour … time is money, you know! Why I have already given you four hours off this month. My trouble is I am just too kind hearted … always want to be nice to everyone.” He paused for them to agree and was rewarded with the sight of the two knights looking incredulously in his direction. (No one would ever be able to accuse Smarmon of being kind … he kept dogs in his castle solely so he could kick them!)

The princess and Trilly the good Fairy marched forward now as they saw the knights quail before their mentor.

“We can tell you why we are here … we have come to rescue the fair Sir Purrs … so give him up like a good boy before we get nasty!” The princess’s attempt at playing the hard man failed miserably as Smarmon smirked before shrugging his shoulders.

“Sorry love! … No idea what the hell you are talking about. I haven’t seen that waster Purrs for weeks, in fact I assumed he was with these two, languishing on some beach with lots of pretty women.” This was an impasse. The princess looked at the others, unsure of what to do next. She couldn’t force her way into the castle without proof that her darling Sir Purrs was being held against his will.

Suddenly everyone present began making desperate hushing noises as a soft, recognisable sound, came to their ears. It was a song of perfect clarity and beauty about a man kept from his love by pure evil. As they listened it grew in volume and no one was left unsure of the singer as Sir Purrs’ crystal clear voice filled the air.
His beautiful face then appeared at the bars of a murky dungeon and he pleaded with the gathered crowd to help set him free. The crowd parted as the princess and Trilly walked swiftly towards him and all were able to witness the magic about to enfold.

The princess knelt down, tears glistening in her eyes and she gently took hold of Purrs’ outstretched hand and brought it to her lips. He smiled sweetly and as a single tear fell onto his soft skin resting against the cruel metal bars, a glow began to emanate from the spot where it had landed and then the bars began to magically melt away. (OK, I’ll tell the truth … it wasn’t the princess who magic-ed them away but Trilly who surreptitiously swished her wand under her cloak. - I just wanted a bit of squishy, lovey dovey stuff - alright?) Willing hands now grabbed the knight and pulled him up into the open space of the courtyard and then the crowd cheered as Bravid and Sexeb held him aloft on their shoulders in exultation.

The Baron was incandescent, hopping about like an angry goblin but Trilly stilled him with another wand swish and he meekly followed the crowd out of the castle grounds and back to the tower.

Much later, after both knights were restored to their usual clean and handsome looks - no tutu’s or dungeon filth anymore - and all were happily gathered about the hall, it became apparent that this was going to be a happily ever after story. Sir Bravid sat with his Beauties, each vying for the chance to tell him how handsome and brave he was but it was a certain winsome lass by the name of Marian, who looked after the waifs and strays of the village who commanded his attention as she captured his portrait on her slate. Sir Sexeb was, as usual surrounded by his Sugars and a maid by the name of saucy Katie was feeding him grapes. She ran the local transport network, making sure that all baggage was loaded onto coaches and carts for the travellers. Sir Machos as usual had his Mob but he had eyes only for the warrior princesses. Josefina was delighted by this as she secretly harboured thoughts of love for the handsome knight but her sister Juanita couldn’t help admiring the delicious Sir Purrs. The princess watched this and realised that she would have a rival for the beautiful knight’s affections but she didn’t mind. She was a kind woman and used to sharing the good things in her life. Juanita had become her friend and ally and … who knows … perhaps she would even share the magic fairy dust which she kept at the side of Sir Purrs’ bed. (That Haggy had obviously been useful for something!)

But what of those other characters I hear you murmur - Well …….

The good and fair fairy Trilly brought her two best friends to live in the tower with her at the princess’s request. There was Fairy Lulubell, who was a statuesque woman who exhibited strangely striped hair when she got excited. She was a very practical person who had a knack of sorting things out (she was particularly adept with the inter - nets) and she was enamoured of the cutie Sir Sexeb and joined his sugars in their worship. Her other friend was Fairy Jocelyn and she was also tall with a mane of auburn curls. She loved to drive her coach up and down the country and would often take her friends along on her little jaunts!) She, like Trilly was intrigued by the beauteous Sir Purrs and she never missed a chance to sit at his feet and gaze lovingly at him. (Trilly, of course would never admit allegiance to any particular knight, preferring to say she was only interested in their music - but her friends knew better!!)

Haggy could be found wandering the countryside as the princess had thrown her out of her hovel. She pedalled her potions to make ladies beautiful and beguile their men folk. Baron Smarmon watched her as she went about her business one day and realised there was a nice little earner to be found here. They went into business together and could be found ringing door bells everywhere with their calling phrase … Avon Calling! (I have instantly moved the action to Bristol so that I could use that comment - pathetic , I know!)

Peeve had followed the crowd to the tower as he was now free of his evil master’s clutches and threats. Remember he had found a woman he could love there and so he sought out Horrid Florid who had been hiding out, with her sheep in a nearby kingdom of very few subjects. With the help of a bit more of that very handy fairy dust they were able to see the beauty in each other - even if their hearts still held a murky tinge - and they were eventually to be seen riding off into the sunset together!

And what of the knights themselves … what did they think of all this? They decided to live permanently in the tower with their bands of fans and so three extension turrets were built to accommodate them all. Here they were petted and preened by ladies without number and in return gave a weekly concert in the courtyard.

…………. And everyone lived very happily ever after!

Definitely ye end!