Still You.

DISCLAIMER
This is a complete work of fiction, written for entertainment purposes only. Artistic license has been taken regarding timelines and just about everything else. No Divos were harmed, injured or insulted in the making of this fantasy.


Authors Note:
Ubers; Have you ever wondered how it might have been if our guy had stayed with or returned to the woman that he was with when Il Divo started? In fantasy world, perhaps it would have been like this.
ANCORA TU
(Still you)


Chapter 1
The Breakup

December 2005



She was really angry. More than angry she was hurt.

“I cannot stand it anymore! Are you even listening to me? Don’t you dare try to tune me out! It’s just too much for any woman to put up with! It’s enough to drive me insane. I had good sense at the beginning of this farce, this production thing that you’re doing, but if I hadn’t had a strong constitution by now I would have lost my ever-loving mind!" she shouted dramatically to the man in the next room. When she received no answering comment from him, she walked over to the door to the bedroom and glared.

It was immediately obvious to anyone who might have been interested that the male was in no way as emotional about the issue as she, because he continued almost lazily stuffing clothes into his rolling carryon, seemingly getting ready for a trip. He looked over his shoulder in response to her remarks and his voice, resonant and fully able to carry without shouting said “On this subject, I can’t say that you were ever sane Vanessa.”

Their tabby cat, a fat sleek orange female whose name was ‘Printemps‘, or Springtime, was used to her mistress’s raised voice, but when she heard her master’s reply, although she didn’t know the words, she fully recognized his pique and accepted it for an unusual and disturbing event. Tabby raised herself up, mewed and quickly decided to hide out in the closet until the storm passed.

Vanessa ignored his less than gallant reply. “It is just so unfair Urs, and it’s disrespectful to me that they should write so about you.”

“Van, they don’t even know that you exist. Now, when we are trying to get this thing off the ground, is not the time for me to go about telling everyone about my girlfriend and her fears.”

“I don’t have fears. This is not about fear. It is about respect. Respect for you and for me and what we mean to each other. Just listen to this; and this is just what one of hundreds of your fans wrote.” And Van quoted from a portion of a blog. “He has gorgeous eyes, beautiful hair, kissable lips, knockout body, and a damn fine body, Did I say nice body? Urs, I love you.’

“How dare she? What kind of thing is that, that they should feel free to post this rubbish for all to see and read all over the world! Combine terrible!” And she slammed the laptop cover down with a bang.

“Yes, I agree it is awful” Urs answered as he reigned his budding temper back in. “But you have to remember it’s all make believe.”

“That’s all well and good for you to say! How would you like it if men, all over the world were noticing and making comments about by lips, my figure, my body my uh…possibilities?”

“I am sure that every man who sees you does exactly that.” He ogled her trying to lighten her mood.

“But you, Mr. Buhler, don’t have to read about it on the internet and know that the entire world is reading it too.”

“And you don’t either. ‘The entire world’ does not look at that stuff. Why don’t you just stop putting yourself through this and refuse to log on to the web site?”

“I can’t stop. I’m addicted. I have to see what the latest rave about you is.”

He just looked at her and shook his head. “I have to go baby, I’m going to be late if I don’t leave now. I’ll miss you. I miss you already.”

Urs didn’t exaggerate. He loved this woman. Every one of the litany of attributes that the fan gave to him, he gave to her in his mind on a daily basis, gorgeous blue eyes, beautiful blond hair, kissable soft lips, not to mention a truly knockout body. On that note he let himself remember the past.

It had been five years since they met, fell in love and moved in together. Initially each day had brought him more joy and contentment than the one that came before it. The first three years had been pure bliss; the last two had grown increasingly rocky. He was just beginning to realize that it was pure hell to be in love with a woman he couldn’t get along with. He had had no idea that she was as insecure as she was. Deep within he knew that his unawareness of her insecurity just meant that before now the right circumstances had not occurred to bring out this side of her personality. He kept hoping that given some time, things would smooth out. Instead they seemed to be getting worse.

Vanessa arose and came over to him and pulled his head down to her for a kiss. That had the effect of snapping him out of his reverie back into the present. As usual, their kisses soon became heated. She had only to touch him and he burned.

“I don’t suppose that there’s time for us to…”

She anticipated his question and answered, “No.” She laughed. Apparently her fit of temper was over. “If you must go to the United Kingdom, then you must, and you don’t want to be late for your flight.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll call you every night. And, I’ll see you in two months babe.” He got his things gave her another quick kiss and walked out the door.

After Urs left, Vanessa started cleaning their home. She’d do anything to keep busy. She was despondent. Instead of becoming accustomed to his new life, she was coming to distain it. They lived in a three bedroom cottage that Vanessa had received as a part of her inheritance from her grandmother. It was lovely. It was perfectly serene in a fairy tale setting of greenery, with water out back in the form of a small lake. All parts of the house that had not been perfect, the two of them had worked together to change and make it fit their specifications.

It used to be that in the French countryside houses stayed as they had been built for centuries. Now that had all changed. Urs and Vanessa had hired a contractor who added a bath to each bedroom and took the large country kitchen and modernized it with the latest appliances. They also added a glassed in sunroom. Now, whenever her man was away she comforted herself by dusting the furniture, mopping the wide kitchen floor tile, polishing the granite counters and cooking a sumptuous meal that she would freeze for later use.

All the while she cleaned; she listened to Urs and the rest of the Il Divo group on her IPOD. Today would be a full service day in which she cleaned until she dropped. Only then would she be able to sleep alone. Printemps with her bright orange coat stuck her head out, content now that the argument had been averted, padded up to her mistress. It was time for her breakfast.

Last night Vanessa had made the decision not to return to her job. She had called at the last minute and informed them by voice mail that she wouldn’t be returning. Urs made enough money to support both of them well, why should she work? She had decided to quit because each time that he went away on one of his lengthy trips she either came down with a cold, or a migraine or just plain old general malaise. She really tried to be strong but she was not a woman who was cut out to live alone.

Sometimes when soul growth is needed, fate seems relentless. One is pushed in a certain direction, a path that might not ordinarily be taken but at the time seems perfectly sensible. It seemed that Vanessa’s time for growth had come although she was completely unaware of it her until it was too late to stop the chain of events that she put in train.

She learned that she was pregnant just about a month after Urs left. She should not have been surprised, yet she was. In their relationship, she had taken on the responsibility for preventing conception simply because she had wanted control over her life. They together had decided to wait until he could get his career in order another year or two at most, and then, they would discuss it.

Van found that she was not altogether satisfied with these arrangements. They had been fine when they had been what she considered a normal couple. She was content to wait for marriage, for children, for it all, because she was secure of her place in his life. Now, she had the distinct feeling all that had changed. He was looking and seeing and coming into contact with all kinds of women all over the world. What was there about her that insured that she could compete with all of those women? Absolutely nothing.

She was attractive, even pretty, but not knock out dead gorgeous. She had a nice figure, but let’s face it, her breasts were not double D’s and would never be without augmentation. Her legs were long in proportion to the rest of her body but women who were five feet four and one half inches would never be considered long and leggy. The idea kept creeping in that she needed to do something else to keep him with her or she‘s lose him, and she knew she could not live without him.

Perhaps that was why, in the very recesses of her mind, one that she did not admit even to herself, she found it easier and easier to forget to take her birth control pills on a daily basis. So, even when she forgot and then remembered that she had forgotten, she didn’t mention it to him. Perhaps if she got pregnant, he would then have to marry her. And everyone knew a wife was much more difficult to rid oneself of than a girlfriend.

She estimated that she had conceived on the night before he left. At first she thought she was just late until the bleeding started and wouldn’t stop, obviously too heavy for a normal period. She had gone to emergency for treatment but it was too late. Their baby was gone. She then made her first big mistake, and at the time it had seemed perfectly normal. To cover up that she had been remiss in taking her pills, she didn’t tell him about the miscarriage.

She was in the hospital for three days and during those three days, he had called her every day only to get her answering machine in response. He had worried about her, perhaps something had happened. He had called her parents who lived a couple hours drive away, but they knew nothing. Neither did his sister Irma who was about another three hours away to the east. Just when he was at his wits end and ready to abandon the taping of their latest CD he called and she answered, she had returned home.

He was so relieved to find that she was fine and so lovingly concerned for her safety she made her second mistake. She told him that she had been away on a short get away with a man that she had met. She later wondered why in the world she would do such a stupid thing. Giving it some thought she realized that her motivation was to make herself seem as important and as desirable as he had turned out to be. She then compounded it by trying to guilt him. She said that she was lonely and needed companionship because he, Urs, was never at home anymore. Still, through it all, these lies seemed perfectly reasonable to her in the state of mind that she was in. The conversation had gone something like this:

“Vanessa baby, I’ve been calling you day and night, where have you been? Are you all right?”

“Oh, I’m fine. I’ve been busy having myself a life”. She had actually laughed gaily. “I had to prove to myself that you’re not the only one who is desirable in this relationship.” She truly hoped that he would be jealous so that he could see how it felt. How it was when the shoe was on the other foot. It was the way she laughed in the face of his concern that pissed him off. Her plan had backfired big time.


Urs was a rather mild-mannered man, which was not to say that he wasn’t passionate about life, he just approached it with his head and not his emotions. He was a person that one could discuss one’s thoughts with and he gave intelligent answers for consideration rather than silly jokes. He almost never became truly angry and if he did, he didn’t sulk and he couldn’t hold on to his anger for long. He was compassionate; his expressive face said it all to her. She thought him a kind, generous man who wasn’t too complex, and just about perfect.

Today she found that she hadn’t known him as well as she thought. First of all, she had not been a virgin when they met and this hadn’t particularly bothered him. He was full of self confidence and didn’t need the adoration of an inexperienced woman. He liked her just as she was. That was why she misjudged how he would react at the thought of her being with another man. He hadn’t thought it necessary to tell her that even though she had a sexual past, how much of a past he wasn’t sure, and didn’t care to know; from the moment they started their relationship, all of her sexual future must be with him. Does a guy have to tell his girl “Don’t sleep with other guys? Come on.

When she mentioned going away with another man he had exploded in a way that she didn’t think he was capable of. Even though he was talking to her on the phone, he frightened her a bit. So much so that she tried to back track and tell him that she made the whole story up and there was no other man. But to no avail, her explanations didn’t do a darn bit of good.

Instead of coming around and calming down, as she was used to him doing, their conversation had escalated. He had replied in his nastiest voice, “No I don’t for one minute believe that you made it all up. And, I have enough to worry about without wondering if my woman is running around with other guys.” There was a long and deep silence, the only sound was the sound of her crying. Then he let the hammer drop “I am letting you out Vanessa. Calling it quits. Don’t expect me to come home. Not now. Not again. I’ll send Karl over to get my things.” And he had quietly hung up the phone. Even in his anger he had still been the gentleman, it hadn’t occurred to him to slam the phone down in her ear.

Chapter 2
Back to The Beginning
2001, Amsterdam, the Netherlands

It was hard to believe that five years had passed since they first met. Vanessa and Irma, Urs sister had been friends for a good while before she met him. She had heard Irma talk about her brother Urs, the one who was a singer in Amsterdam, just like she talked about Karl, her other brother and Pia and an older sister who lived in Germany. When a promotion on her job caused Van to move to Amsterdam, it seemed only natural for Irma to introduce Urs to Vanessa. Irma had come over from Switzerland to see her settled into her flat and to see her brother perform.

Van learned that he had been a singer for most of his life. Then he surprised his parents by going to school and becoming an Opera singer. Irma said that move had been a shock for them all.

Presently he’d been singing in the Netherlands Opera for about six years. When Irma was telling Van about him, a picture of him had formed in her mind. When she saw him, she was surprised. He did not look as she had pictured him at all. He didn’t have the appearance or the persona of an opera singer, whatever that was. First of all, he wasn’t old or fat. Not even overweight. He was slimly robust and he was rowdy in a good way. He liked motor cycles, he liked to work on them and he always clomped around in expensive boots and jeans. He wore his hair long.

The play that she had attended with Irma had been an operetta, mostly singing and Urs played a leading role. He had been in makeup and lederhosen and a wig so Val had not been impressed with his looks, with all that makeup he looked like ‘Boy George’ to her. She thought his voice was good though. After the show they all went out to a local pub for beer and real music. That was when she first met the true Urs, the Urs she came to know without the makeup and costume. They were in a party of about thirteen people and she was just a part of the group. He was so busy talking to his sister that he barely noticed her. But, after that night, since she was his sister’s friend and lived right there in Amsterdam, it was only natural that he invite her back to attend another of his performances and to hang out with the cast afterwards.

He would leave her tickets at will call, and if she called to say that she could attend, he always saved her a seat later at the pub. It became natural for her to sit with him.

Perhaps that is one of the reasons that she felt insecure Vanessa flashed forward to the present momentarily. She knew the power of hanging out with a man over a period of time and she was no longer the girl doing the hanging out, someone else was. When members of the opposite sex are thrown together, things happen. She knew that when he traveled he was in very close contact with the women who were a part of the production. These women would be at every concert and would travel with him. The women in the band would not be so close, but those who dressed him and made up his face, well, there would be ample opportunity for them to become more than friends.

Back in Amsterdam, after about six months of being physically around him but not really emotionally near him, he asked her out. She later found out that one of the reasons he had not asked her out before then was that he had a girlfriend right there in the city. In fact they lived together just like he and she later decided to do. The woman’s name wasn’t important but she was an opera singer and actress just like him. She never would hang out with the crowd at the pub. Vanessa heard through the rumor mill that the woman was at least ten years older than Urs perhaps that was why she didn’t hang out. She had a young boyfriend but she probably didn’t want to see all those young adoring women hanging out with him. Whatever the reason she never came around, Vanessa knew that they had broken up. Vanessa never found out why they broke up but she did know that he didn’t ask her out until well after their breakup.

On that first date, surprise of surprises, he took her to a stock car race. They had a ball. They shouted, and drank soda and ate popcorn and pulled for the one in each race who they thought would win. Up until this time she had not thought of him as a potential suitor, but, when he left to go for franks and colas she watched him walk. For the first time she noticed that he looked delectable in his jeans and that walk was knockout. She felt a flash of heat travel through her body just from watching him walk. That response to him caused her to wonder, just how did he see her? Was she just the baby sister’s friend or did he see her in a completely different light. If he saw her as a woman, then his actions would make sense. Why, if she was just the friend, had he not invited her to meet the girlfriend? Why had he never invited her to their home? Why did he wait until they were broken up to ask her out?” But Urs was an enigma. If he was interested in her that way, he was so smooth with it, so blasé she could not tell by his actions what he was thinking. Was he just a gentleman and biding his time? Or was he the friend keeping the family friend entertained?


When he came back with the food she decided to test the waters so to speak. She didn’t want to be obvious. She instinctively knew that he’d never respond to a lot of assertiveness in a woman, and, it would be too embarrassing for her if she mistook friendship for interest. So she thanked him prettily and then made a show of licking her lips in appreciation after she took a big bite of her hotdog. She then ran her tongue all around her lips as If in search of stray mustard or relish. All the while she watched him for any reaction. There was no reaction. He turned away and watched the action out on the field. ’I suppose I’m the friend then.’ she thought to herself and feeling somewhat disappointed she turned her attention back to the race.

Up until now they had agreed on each race’s outcome but coming down the stretch as the race was drawing to a close, they disagreed on who would win the big one. Urs suggested that they bet on the outcome since they couldn’t agree. Vanessa had been only too happy to agree to a bet “but,” she cautioned “don’t make the stakes too high. I don’t have much confidence in my judgment of these races since this is my first time here.”

“How about we do this then? If my car wins, I get a kiss. If yours wins, you get a kiss?

That statement coming from him had stopped her in her tracks. “What kind of kiss are we talking about?”

“Whadda you mean, what kind?” he had asked both warmth and amusement lit his eyes.

“On the forehead, on the cheek, or on the lips?” she had asked trying like the devil to convey disinterest as to what his decision would be.

“Well now, let me think about that“. And he took his hand and placed it on her forehead. “Nope, too hot.” He placed his palm on her cheek. “Nope too cold” “I think it has to be the lips Goldilocks.”

“But”, she protested. “The outcome is the same whether my car wins or your car wins.” We both lose.”

“No, we both win. I’m dying to kiss you. Wouldn’t you like to kiss me?”

She answered truthfully. “I hadn’t given it any thought before tonight. You’ve always been just Irma’s big brother to me.”

“I only have five or six years on you. Now that you’ve given it some thought. How about it”?

“She had nodded ok, expecting that he would kiss her immediately after the last race but he didn’t. Later after she came to know him better, she learned that he was too private a person to kiss her like he later kissed her in a public setting. He had driven to her home and followed her in. There in the middle of her living room he stood there, took her in his arms and proceeded to kiss her lips off.

He wasn’t a groper that was not his way. He was quite gentle and subtle even. He started with soft baby kisses that made her let her defenses down. His lips, she found, were very soft, quite succulent. When she was sufficiently relaxed, he then sucked her bottom lip into his mouth and wasn’t satisfied until he engaged her tongue. She had never been kissed quite like this before. Before he let her go she was trembling. And so was he. But he didn’t press for more; he whispered good night and left.


After dreaming about him all night, the next day she realized that she didn’t know where she stood with him any more than she had at first. Well, to be perfectly honest, she now knew that she was not his friend. There was definitely fire between them. Ten minutes with him and she was boiling.

She was tempted to call Irma and tell her what had happened but she didn’t. She didn’t want her friend to call her brother and ask him about what was going on between them even if it was only a few mind-blowing kisses. She decided to wait for him to get in touch with her.

A whole week passed and not a peep out of him. Finally when he didn’t call her, she broke down and called him and invited him over. After what she detected as brief hesitation in his voice he agreed to come over to her place on the weekend. After she rang off she wondered if she had just overplayed her hand. Some men didn’t like to be chased and some did. But what did the caution in his voice mean?

He showed up on Saturday evening about six. He brought her flowers and she accepted them graciously. She had made him dinner. She was an excellent cook; her mother had made sure of that before she even left home in northern France. But she didn’t want to present it like ’I invited you to dinner,’ so she casually asked him if he was hungry. He was and said that, he could eat a bite of whatever she had made for herself. He had wolfed down the food. When she thought about it, it was probably too sumptuous for her to have just prepared it for herself but he enjoyed it so who cared?”

After dinner they drank a glass of wine and sat in her living room. He was a very moderate drinker; she was to learn later that he was moderate in most of his habits. The wine loosened her tongue and gave her the nerve to ask; “Why do I sense that you are reluctant to see me again? Is it the kissing, is it something else, or, here’s a third choice; is it my imagination?” Vanessa had laughed nervously but she was determined to find out what his thoughts were concerning her.

He could have denied that there was anything wrong and told her that she was imagining something that was not there and that he’d just been busy. He could have made excuses for not calling her, after all guys do it all the time, they go out with girls and even promise that they’ll call but then they don’t and he had made her no such promises. He did none of those things because that was not his way. He told her what he felt from his point of view. Later she would find that this too was his way of handling things. When asked, he would try to explain things the way he saw them fully aware that she probably did not see things the same way that he did.

“I didn’t call you” he had spoken slowly as if formulating his words as he went along, “because I wasn’t sure that I wanted to start anything with you. And until I’m sure, I wasn’t going to keep going forward, mainly because I don’t want you to get hurt. Because you and Irma are good friends, I feel that I must treat you carefully. So, was just thinking it over, from every aspect. That’s the truth.”

‘Well, she thought; how’s that for honesty. “We can be friends.” She interjected, just to give him a comfortable out in case he really didn’t want to date his sister’s friend. “We haven’t gone too far to go back to what we were. We only shared a kiss or two, that’s all. You don’t have to feel obligated to ’go somewhere’ with this thing. Not if you don’t want to.”

“You wouldn’t have been angry or thought badly of me if I hadn’t called you for a while?” He hadn’t allowed her time to answer. He continued. “I’m glad that you called me though. I realize that I would have been angry with you if you hadn’t gotten in touch with me. How crazy is that? I can‘t make up my mind about you and you take it out of my hand by making up your mind about me. As soon as I heard your voice I knew that I was waiting for you to let me know that you were interested. That was all I needed to know. That made up my mind for me. If you want me too, can I stay over tonight?”

There it came out of the blue. One of his lightning changes of mind. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Here this guy, takes her on one date, then comes inside her home one time, well two to be exact, kisses her on one occasion and now he wants’ to stay over? No way was that happening. Not in your dreams buster. But her mouth had a mind of its own. She had answered without hesitation. “Of course you may stay“.

Chapter 3
Their Relationship Begins
2001

Both Vanessa and Urs were experienced. Neither asked the other about past loves. He had explained that he didn’t want to know about hers and he would not reveal his. This he said immediately after he asked her if she knew her way around in the bedroom. She had answered yes and he hadn’t seemed to mind.

Since he was spending the night they decided to drive over to the local watering hole, it was nice being around other people. It allowed the anticipation to build. They shot a few rounds of pool. He found that she was quite good and he liked to place his hands on her waist as if to teach her a better shot but really, he just wanted to touch her.

Urs had found that he was quite attracted to her. This he knew from the beginning. Goldilocks she was. He loved her naturally curly blond hair. Her wide mouth was sexy as hell and he found that her personality, the most important thing after the initial throws of lust were spent, was interesting and she was on the ball. He was quite looking forward to being in her bed tonight and perhaps after that who knew? He was glad that she was experienced too. He had never slept with a virgin and didn’t want to. He didn’t relish being an initiator to someone who was scared or worse in his mind, timid.

On the drive home they exchanged looks of anticipation and then smiled at each other for having those looks. Vanessa wondered if she had left the shower in decent condition and wished she had thought to place new sheets and spread on the bed and that she had candles to place in the room. All of this she would have done if she had known.

Once they were back in her apartment she had offered him a glass of water which he refused, wine he also turned down, or perhaps soda? Er, no. Out of options she asked him if he wanted to shower, no, thank you very much, he didn’t need a shower he had just showered before coming over. Finally he released her from her uncertainty as to how to get started.
“You’ll need to show me your apartment, I think. I have no idea where your bedroom or bath is located.” ‘Well‘, she thought ’The place isn’t that large. You’re a smart guy; I’ll bet that you could find it on your own.’

Once they reached the bedroom Vanessa watched him take in the spacious room, the well appointed bed with its large pillows and bright cover. It was a beautiful room that well displayed her decorating skills, she was quite proud of it. The bath, which was en suite, was also beautiful with separate shower and claw foot tub. He didn’t enter the bathroom, but just stuck his head in for a quick look. When he did this she circled his waist from behind and said something that she thought he would appreciate. “I’m really looking forward to having sex with you.”

He turned, smiled at her and said, “And I with you.”

Normally when a guy and a girl get together intimately there is a pattern of exploration, especially if it is their first time together. Usually one of them, most likely the male leads the way, the female responds and provides feedback to him that he doing the right thing and on the right track. If he is not on the right track, her role is to give the response that will get him on course. If this time tested pattern is kept, and the male is sensitive to a woman’s needs, one can usually expect a satisfying and completely rewarding experience for both.

Of course, this outcome is not always achieved in one try. Frequently it takes time and experience but in the normal course of events, complete satisfaction will be achieved. Then again, sometimes experience is not a good thing. Knowing what to expect had taught Vanessa not to anticipate much. She had learned that when they finished, she would not have reached that pinnacle of expectation, the big O. She had been left behind so many times until she had learned the best course to take was to, to be blunt, fake it.


Her previous lover had been short of patience and that had been the underlying reason for their breakup. He couldn’t please her. He had wanted her to scream his name and show a pleasure that so far had eluded her. So she gave him what he wanted. Loudness, simulated joy and he had been delighted. His ego had been appeased and they had then gotten on well, except Vanessa was not getting her fair share of satisfaction. When they broke off, for a seemingly completely different reason, the pattern was set. It had been firmly ingrained in her that to make a man happy, she had to pretend her response to him.

When she and Urs finished making love she was quite happy. She thought it had gone well on her first foray into intimacy with him. She was not left completely without pleasure. She enjoyed the hugs, it was always nice to be held close and she thought men made far too little of this method of getting a woman in the mood. She thought that men usually made the mistake of thinking that what turned them on would also turn their woman on. Nothing could be farther from the truth a far as she was concerned. The kisses she enjoyed too as well as the ever increasing intimacy. She had liked the feel of his hard, solid body, his warmth, even his five o’clock shadow felt good. When he handled and kissed her breast she was in heaven. But she had learned not to allow herself to become too excited. That made the let down all the harder to bear. So before that happened she signaled him in the age old way that she was ready for him to enter.

When he complied with her wishes he murmured in her ear, “are you sure that you’re ready? You are very snug.” She had laughed at this but then got down to the business of turning him on. This she thought she did well. She knew just how to move and how to assess his progress towards their goal. She also knew how to whisper to him things such as “I’m really turned on right now.”, or Mmm, that feels amazing or even, I’ve been imagining this all evening. She was very vocal and when she reached her fake peak she screamed. She screamed his name. Men liked that she knew. Very quickly after that he followed her over the top.

They rested a bit and she did not forget her role. It was now her job to praise him. So she told him what she thought he wanted to hear that he was wonderful, sexy blah blah, blah, all the while squeezing the muscles in his arms and chest. The squeezing was real. She enjoyed that part of it. Finally they subsisted and fell silent. Soon he was asleep. He was perfectly contented and she learned that he didn’t even snore very loudly. Soon, she too fell asleep.

She awoke briefly when he got up to go home. He told her that he had rehearsal for a new operatic program the next day but he would pick her up around six pm and they’d do something together. She had turned over and slept another hour before she too arose to go in to work.

That evening he came over on a motorbike. She heard him outside and went out to see what the noise was. He had brought with him a leather jacket and helmet for her. He had also gone by the market and picked up bread, cheese, cold meat, fruit and wine. When she hopped on behind him he handed the cloth bag to her and took off. She was used to riding a vesper but the noise and power of this vehicle made her a little nervous so she held on tightly, sometimes closing her eyes as he wound his way through the little village to the outskirts and then a little way up the mountain, just far enough so that they had a stellar view of the town and the lake that hugged its coast.

They rolled the dinner out using the ruche sack in which it was held and they took turns drinking wine from the bottle. As they ate they watched the view and casually got to know each other better. He told her a bit about his early years, how he had always loved music and that he especially loved performing with the opera. He mentioned that he would be flying to the UK in about a week to audition for a new project, but that he didn’t know much about it. It wasn’t opera but was called cross-over music. “I’m not too optimistic that it is something that I will be interested in but it won’t hurt to see what it’s about.”

She had asked him how he liked living here in the Netherlands.

“There are wonderful people here. I’ve made lots of friends that I’ll introduce you to when the time is right. Yeah, I really like my life here, how about you?”

“Its colder here. I prefer France, but I have to make a living and my job brought me here. How did you get into singing? You don’t look like I always imagined a singer to look.”

He laughed, “And how does a singer look?”

“Oh I don’t know, not muscular and fit. Either fat from too much eating with a big stomach to push all of that sound forward, or really skinny. At any rate, not fit like you.”

“What did you do when you were a little girl? Did you grow up in the countryside of France, or in the city?”

And so they continued conversing, all the while talking of inconsequential things until he blindsided her. They had been talking about the bit of acting that is required in an opera, usually some stuffy person from the eighteen hundreds. When he asked; “Can you act?”

Without thinking she answered. “I don’t know. I’ve never been in a play before, except when I was a little girl and we did fairy tales in school.”

He had been casually chewing on grapes and looking out towards the water but then he turned and pierced her with his dark green eyes. “So why were you putting on a performance with me last night?”


She sat taken aback. He knew! She could feel the flush rising in her cheeks. Perhaps she could fib her way out of it. “Are you thinking that I was acting last night? I most certainly was not. You were wonderful. “ And she tried to make her voice convincing. She thought she had succeeded.

“You were for real? No joking. I’m serious now. If you weren’t acting, describe to me now how and what you were feeling when you were being so rambunctious.”

“I told you then how I was feeling. Do you want me to say it all again out here in the open?”

“I don’t want you to say anything. I want you to tell me what I did, exactly that made it so great for you or was it not me, was it just that it’s easy for you and maybe it doesn’t take much. Tell me what you think.”

“Why do you want to know all of this?” She was beginning to get flustered. “Didn’t you enjoy what we did? Was it lacking in some way? If it was why didn’t you say something last night, why wait until today, bring me up here to ask me.”

“I wasn’t sure last night. I had to take all day and go over what happened between us in my mind. Once I began, it just seemed false to me. So tell me, because believe me the future of our relationship depends upon your answer. Tell me were you pretending? And if you were pretending, why?”

That sobered her to the seriousness of this seemingly light conversation. If their relationship depended upon her answer she figured that she had better bring the right answer because she wanted to be with him. All of her experience had taught her that she needed to pander to the male’s ego and lie to him. She opened her mouth to insist that he was wrong about her, that she had enjoyed it, that she had not been lying, and that she did mean everything that she had said about how good it was with him. But instead when she opened her mouth she said, “Yes, I was pretending. I don’t know why, I just know that I always have.”

He continued looking at her but she thought he breathed a sigh of relief. “Come here to me.” he asked her softly. “I thought that I was right and I’m so pleased that you told me the truth.” was all he said.

Urs was pleased. He was very pleased and also relieved. Had she been a liar as well as a fraud it would have been too much. He could understand why a woman would claim to have experience that she didn’t have as well as pretend to be more sensual than she really was because that is what most men expected of them. With all of the talk about who’s hot and who’s not, he knew that rather than look at themselves, men tended to gravitate to women who made them feel good about themselves and there was no greater compliment to a male than to tell him that he’s superb in bed, whether he deserved the compliment or not. The truth was, as experience had taught him, it usually takes time, patience and knowledge to become a compatible couple in bed as it did in just about everything else. If one of the partners is lying to the other, it just gets worse and soon it becomes too late to tell the truth. In fact, he was relieved that little Miss Goldilocks had let him know that he wasn’t all that great, at least not the stud that she had pretended and tried to make him believe he was.

“Have you eaten enough? Or will you be hungry for real food later on tonight?”

“You’re taking me home?” She sounded sad but not surprised.

“Yeah. I’m taking you home. We’re going to try it again tonight, this time no acting. We’ll just take it as it comes and if it doesn’t come, then it’s all right. You won’t lose anything by trying. Is that ok with you?”

She sat amazed that she was blinking back tears. She hadn’t realized that this meant so much to her. “It’s ok with me, but I warn you. I won’t be able to keep up with you and you’ll get tired of trying.”

“The challenge is not you keeping up with me; it is will I be able to slow down for you. I am confident that I can, I have almost as much confidence in being able to do that as I have when I get on stage to sing. And I am very self-assured on stage.”

And so, they were to try it again. Out of her element, with her façade stripped away, Vanessa was incredibly nervous. There is nothing that she could think of that could compare with lying there, trying to lose oneself in sensations and feeling that one is being watched like a hawk so that as soon as it happens, he can pounce on for his turn. That is how it was before and the more she had tried to hurry, the further away from losing herself she grew. In her heart of hearts, she just didn’t think that it would work. But, in order to keep him, if she’d even had a chance of getting him, she’d try it. If it didn’t work, she could always pretend again, just not as enthusiastically as she had before.

He suggested that they shower together. And she was up for that. They were both young and both had superb bodies and if she didn’t know anything else, she knew that he liked her figure. A woman just knows those things and doesn’t have to be told, not in words anyway. He was always touching her, on the backside, at her waist, all in good taste and when they were alone, but even when in public, he looked at her. She now realized that he had always been interested in her he was just very understated in his interest, not blatant at all but if one knew what to look for; it was there like a beacon.

After the shower they stayed nude while he brushed her curly hair dry enough so that it would be ok the next day. They then went to bed. That was when her anxiety kicked in, in earnest. When he asked if she wanted the light out she thought for sure that she did and so he doused every light until they were in a cocoon of darkness.
“We’re not going to try to do this together,” he has spoken softly. First you’ll finish and then I will. But I want you to relax and to do that you’ll have to forget about time, forget about me; just let your mind float.”
“Easier said than done.” she had answered and even though she hadn’t wanted to, a nervous giggle escaped.

He brought her gently into his arms as one does a baby or a skittish animal. When she would have turned on her side to hold him, he asked her to stay on her back, and she did. He kissed her lips, ever increasing the intimacy of the kisses, so many until she lost count and then realized that she had been counting because in her experience there would only be a definite number lasting only about five minutes. But this was a different man and she had to keep an open mind. So she once more forced her mind to go blank and just enjoy the sensation. In spite of her will to let go, she wanted to rush him so that he wouldn’t feel impatient with her. Time and time again she pulled herself back from those feelings and tried to sink into sensation. She was like a child who uses every trick in the book to stay awake but finally, when she had exhausted all of her resources she had to succumb to his patient exploration of her body and dedication to finding the things that turned her on.

Finally, finally, after a million kisses of all varieties, soft, wet, deep, shallow, sucking and buss‘, he moved to her breast. He took one in his hand and the other at his mouth. When his mouth tongued her nipple, she moaned and slid away from him. He picked her up by the shoulders and placed her back beside him. “None of that”, was all he said and started up where he had left off. A second million kisses ensued, this time to her breast, both of them until she had forgotten herself and placed her hand on the back of his damp head to hold him in place. Only then did he move to her waist. This made her restless and she raised one leg in unconscious defense. When he reached the curls on her mound she placed her hand on his muscular shoulder and gripped it to get his attention.

“You can’t do that.” she had whispered.

“Why not”? He had whispered back.

“Because, I’ve never done that before and I think I would be too self conscious to forget what you’re doing. I think I would be too ill at ease.

That seemed to convince him because he came up in bed, lay fully on top of her and pressed his groin into her softness. She was positive that he had had his fill of foreplay, he was enormous and must have been uncomfortable but to her surprise he lay back down beside her and placed his hand where he had had, it seemed, intentions of placing his mouth. She took a deep breath and he laughed in response. That relieved some of her returning tension because she had thought that perhaps he was getting aggravated with her slowness but that seemed not to be the case.

He started with a slow almost lazy circling of her nether parts slowly and carefully he circled until she thought she would scream. He just would not go where she wanted him to go right to the center. That was where she needed, no must, no required him to place his fingers. She raised her hips hoping they would fall where she wanted them but no, he had no clue. She squirmed a bit hoping that he would get the hint, but he didn’t, he maintained his indolent attentions.

Finally, when she could stand it no longer, she took his hand and placed it where she just had to have it. She’d die if he didn’t touch her, just once. And he chuckled. She could have smacked him. The cad was playing with her. He had known what she needed all the while. Her last boyfriend had not had a clue about this place on her body he seemed to have thought that pounding away harder or deeper or faster was the way but no…all thought stopped as she sobbed and caught off guard, shattered into oblivion. Her heart raced, her breathing caught and this time she really did scream a scream that made her pretend screams seem but a parody. She had to take his hand and force it away from her, it was just too much. She sat up panting for breath and he flipped the light on and sat up with her and held her as she slowly came down.

He was smiling at her, seeming very proud of her like when your pet animal can perform a trick. Or maybe a better analogy would be if one is in mission control and your space ship makes it to the moon. She had to laugh too.

“Can you see the difference Vanessa? It wasn’t hard to tell the real thing from the imitation. If you could see your eyes now, they’re dilated; your breasts are peaked and, well, let’s say if we’d look for it, there’d be other changes too.”

She tugged him into her arms and still aroused, she planted kisses on his face and chest and would have gone down on him in appreciation had he not stopped her. “No more foreplay. I’m ready for the real thing.” And he put out the light and entered her skillfully. He filled her completely. It seemed that all of her was much more sensitive because she did find completion again and again and finally again with him. All without trying.

Chapter 4
Il Divo, The Whirlwind
2003-2006

The next morning she called his sister.

“Irma, I just thought that I should let you know, I’m seeing someone.”

“Someone sounds a bit ambiguous to me.”

“Actually, it’s your brother Urs.”

After a silence of about ten seconds Irma recovered.” Well, that’s a surprise. Are you sure that you’re the only one that he is seeing now?”

“I’m pretty sure. He spends most of his evenings and nights at my place.”

“He’s sleeping over is he? I guess he’s free then.”

“Yes, he and the opera singer have broken off.”

“You know about her?”

“Not much, that is unless you care to tell me something.”

“Not I, any information will have to come from him. He’s a pretty calm guy but he can be ferocious when he’s riled and I’m his sister, he wouldn’t necessarily hold his tongue when it comes to blessing me out. Besides, there’s nothing to tell. He always keeps his business to himself. I doubt that he’ll even tell me that he’s seeing you.”

“Then don’t mention that I told you.”

“I won’t except that you should know that he says that he doesn’t need marriage. He’s perfectly happy to have a long term girlfriend and no children. So if you’re looking for a husband, I wouldn’t count on him.”

Irma kept her word. She didn’t tell anyone about them.

Over the next six months they decided to move in together. They got a larger apartment, presumably he finally told his family about her because Irma let her parents and other siblings knew that she was friends with Urs’ latest girlfriend. Their mother always was concerned that he would get mixed up with one of those immoral American girls who went around flashing their breasts and other privates like she always saw on the television, and was pleased that Van was French.

In the midst of moving and getting everything set up he flew to the United Kingdom for an audition in the Simon Cowell cross-over project. He came home not very excited about it saying 'I don’t think people are gonna want to hear me sing those songs ’. and so Vanessa also forgot about it.

They were very happy. He was such a great guy he made her try to be a better person. With him she grew to have more confidence in herself and her own opinions. He was to her like a father, mother and brother all rolled into one, and she couldn’t help leaning more and more on him. It was so nice to have a helpmate, someone to keep her car running, someone to pitch in and help with the housework, if she needed; to eat her food and appreciate it. And let’s not forget someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, and to make love with. She loved their life together and wanted it to never end.

She didn’t mind so much that three years went by and there was not a mention of marriage. She was his wife in everything but name anyway.


One day, in 2003 soon after his excursion to the UK for the audition, he announced that he had gotten a phone call from the Sony Organization. He had been chosen to be one of the guys to participate in the cross-over project. He played her some of the genre of music that they would be doing. A song called ’Feelings’ that was quite pretty. She very much approved of his taking the job and encouraged him to just try it.

Neither she nor he knew what a large time commitment it would require.

At first it wasn’t too bad. He had to move to the United Kingdom and he and three other men were set up in identical apartments in Chelsea, an upscale area in London. She still talked to him almost every day and he told her that they were obsessed with the music. They weren’t given blueprints as to how it was to be done, but just the charge to do it.

Of course he still came home just about once a month and they would spend most of that time in bed, only going out for dinner. Their time together was too precious to waste cooking food.

Gradually his time commitment to IL Divo increased. After their first CD was released and was such a hit; that was when things really took off. When he could no longer make it home once a month, she would fly to UK to be with him.

And then he started doing more promotional work for the group to get their name and faces out there. She could not follow him, not and keep her job. She did not want to quit her job either because neither of them was confident that the phenomenon that was Il Divo would continue. If it failed, she would have to keep them afloat until he could get work again with an opera company.

Within the next year the group made four major CD’s two minor ones, participated in the World Cup event with Toni Braxton in Germany (Van accompanied him there), went to South Africa (she was with him there). They also made two DVD’s and granted numerous interviews.

In 2006 they also went on a five month world tour. Because he was away from their apartment in Amsterdam so much of the time, Vanessa got another job and moved back to France, to live in a home bequeathed to her by her grandmother. He could fly to be with her there just as easily as he could fly to Holland. And it was on one of his infrequent trips home that they started remodeling the home.


Vanessa was feeling okay with all of the acclaim that the band was getting, really she was. She found, however that the plans were much more appealing on paper. The reality of it brought other things with which she was very unhappy. Over the year three things stood out as memorable in that they threatened her very security as his girlfriend.

The first was the way they incorporated the song “Somewhere” into their repertoire. In theory it gave the audience a chance to get closer to the singers, get an autograph, perhaps to give them a gift, all very innocent activities.

In reality, the guys became like rock stars to the younger female fans. They wanted to kiss the artist, they wanted to put their hands on the artist and when they weren’t allowed to do that they threw themselves between their legs and leaned on them. Most of these young women tried to show as much cleavage as they could. Sometimes Van thought their breasts would pop out of their ensemble. She believed that no man was immune to temptation under those circumstances.

The second thing that threatened her sense of security happened in the USA, in Tampa, Florida. She’d never forget the video of that song Isabel that was aired on ‘You tube’ for the world to see. That man she did know. She was well acquainted with Urs when he was horny. She had been the recipient of his lithe tongue more times than she could count and she loved it. But for him to deliberately tease those women by pretending to lick the mike so that they’d go after him even more, that she couldn’t understand. He was, or up until now had been a very private person and it was not like him to reveal that side of himself to the public. It was almost as if he loved flirting with them. Did that mean that he also loved to meet with them after the show in a more private setting?

The third and most disturbing was a clip from Davidivo.com, a web cam that one of the Divo guys kept of their travels and concerts. In one clip that was posted there was her boyfriend - her Urs - backstage, a girl running her hands through his long locks, playing with it while he sat there and let her have a party with his hair. Later in that same clip, there he was, all dressed and groomed (presumably by this same female) and he had a big smile on his face and he took his hands and softly pinched her cheeks while she laughed. Vanessa wanted to reach through the computer screen and slap her blond head off and his also for that matter.

After that, it was only a matter of time until the end of Urs and Vanessa. It took a full year for things to come to a head but they finally did. And he left her. How could she live without him?

He was her everything.

On the drive back to the United Kingdom Urs had plenty of time to think about the direction that his life was going in. He had no idea how she had found about Alana but she was right. He was definitely ’seeing’ their make-up expert. Alana had been willing to risk it in spite of the taboo that Sony BMG had about employees getting involved with the artists.

She was easy to like, funny, witty, and light. And, she was always there on every one of their trips. He would have dropped her in a second if Vanessa had just been a little less intense and insecure.

Van needed to be goal directed. He didn’t want a woman who lived her life through the lens of his eyes. He wanted their times together to be joyful. He wanted them to want to be together not have a duty to keep the other pacified.

Yet, he had been enraged at the salivating hordes of men who watched her dance this evening. She did have a fine body and that he’d always fully appreciated. He admitted that when she did find another man he’d probably be down for months after. It was a case of the old ‘can’t live with her, can’t live without her.’ ’Don’t want her and don’t want anyone else to have her.’ He knew that he could sleep with a thousand women and still be jealous if this woman slept with one single man.

As he drove along he rolled his neck to get the kinks out and unconsciously placed his hair behind his ear. He’d be ok when he got back to the UK. He had thought about not coming to the wedding for just this reason. But he really had not wanted to go back on his promise to Claus. He had said he’d be in the wedding and there was nothing to get in the way except that he really hadn’t wanted to run into Vanessa again.

He made it back to the UK just in time to get on the plane to fly to the USA. Everyone was there including Alana but he ignored her. He also ignored the rest of the Il Divo guys and he wasn’t very pleasant to David when he came around filming and yakking about his Divo diary.

He had confiscated a piece of paper from Vanessa’s home. When he’d looked for something for her to sleep in, it had been stuffed in the corner in her bureau drawer. He now pulled it out so that he could get a closer look. It was a record of a hospital stay. He remembered the date because he had tried to reach her for several days in that time period. He read further. She evidently had had a miscarriage and had gone in for a D&C to fix her back to right.

He had never believed her story about another man. But this explained a lot. She had created an alibi, hoping that it would serve two purposes, one to hide that she had been pregnant with his baby and second to make him jealous. He suspected that if she had carried the baby, she would have tried to guilt him into marriage, and it most likely would have worked.

He was in thought for most of the nine hour trip across the Atlantic, when he was not asleep. He didn’t talk to Alana; he needed to think to download all of these thoughts. Their relationship was sunny but it was superficial too in a way. He didn’t need her bright chatter on this trip and although he felt her eyes boring into the back of his head, he didn’t turn around and acknowledge her as he should have.

When they reached New York they all piled out and right away were whisked to a buffet that had been set up for them. Later he went up to his hotel room to grab a nap and came down in time to get dressed for the night’s show. He was forced to acknowledge Alana when she came to get him ready for the show.

“I have a lot on my mind. I’m sorry if I have been neglecting you.” He said in order to break the ice.

“How was the wedding? I suppose you saw your ex. Is that what has you in such a bad mood?” She was busy blow drying his hair and styling it in the usual off the forehead way that the fans seemed to prefer.

He didn’t want to talk to Alana about Vanessa. “Yeah, she was there and the wedding went well. It was a quick in and out so that I could get back for the flight.”

She had come around to the front of his chair to put on stage makeup, a routine with which all the fellows were well acquainted. She had a nice figure. That was what had attracted his eye. She also reminded him a bit of Vanessa, she had dyed her hair blond but still, it was very pretty. He reached and placed his hands at her waist. “We’ll talk more later”?

“Yes, after the show.” Thank goodness she didn’t hold grudges and try to guilt him about not loving her enough. That was one thing that he liked about his present life.

Later, on stage, he found that his feelings were raw. He almost felt like crying like a little girl. Every song that they sang reminded him of Vanessa. Regressa a Mi, You Raise Me Up, Somewhere, and even Rejoice. They all had some words that covered the things that they had experienced together. It was funny that of all of his ex girlfriends, Vanessa was the one who had touched him deeper than any other.

The stay in the US lasted for three weeks. They toured about fifteen cities while there. When it ended he found that he was glad to get home to the United Kingdom. In another two weeks they would have two months off and he was looking forward to going home to see his family, mom, dad, sisters and brother. Somehow, he didn’t think that he would ask Alana to come with him. His feelings were still up in the air and there was no use sending out signals to her that he was not ready to back up with action. For the time being, they would busy themselves in London working on choosing new songs. They finally had the routine down so that it was pleasurable, albeit a bit time consuming.

It was about noon two days before he was scheduled to have a respite, when he received a call from Irma. Vanessa had been attacked and was in a local hospital in Paris.

Chapter 5
He’s not coming back
January 2006

Vanessa was numb for a week. She didn’t really believe that he had left her. Since he had been away for the better part of two months, she thought that he would let his anger go and show up on the day that he would have come home had they not had the argument. When that day arrived, and he didn’t come, that was when she broke down. After calling Irma and crying on her shoulder she took to her bed. She had lost her baby and she had lost her man.

She was barely functional after that. She had no job, no ambition, and had probably gone into a depression but didn’t realize it. She didn’t keep the house clean or herself for that matter. Her pretty blond hair grew dull and even the curls that Urs had loved so much drooped.

And then in the mail came a reminder of their friends’ wedding. They still had friends in Holland, friends that had asked both of them to be members of the wedding party when she an Urs were still a couple. The wedding was to be in two weeks and she thought that Urs would surely come since he had promised the groom that he would participate and Urs was meticulous about keeping his promises.

This opportunity put new life back into Van. She went to a spa and got a complete makeover from getting the blond hair on her head brightened, to getting the light brown hair south waxed into a pretty display. She had her teeth whitened, her nails groomed, she went to a makeup artist for tips to improve her looks, just the works. She was determined to win him back. She used her savings to shop for a knockout dress that she would wear to the reception after the wedding. And on that day she flew to Amsterdam, Netherlands with hope.

Urs also flew in at the last minute; he had explained to the groom that he had to fly out later that evening but that he would be able to stay for the reception. He looked wonderful to Vanessa. He had been dressed in a striped Armani with custom designer shoes too, not like the Urs that she was used to kicking it with in jeans, boots and shirt or leather on the cycle, but Urs nevertheless. He too had had the works. His hands were as well cared for as hers. His hair, always curly, was straighter. Thank god he had not let them lighten it or streak it.

It was awkward when they first said hello, but they could not avoid each other because they were to participate as a couple, march in together and take the pictures etc.

He had smiled his stage smile at her and said hello. She almost cried. She had seen that smile given to millions of women but never thought she’d be on the receiving end of one. It was a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Then she remembered the smile on the video clip that he had given to the backstage woman. That had been a smile that said it all; “I really like you a lot”, that was the message that she got from it and it had been directed at another woman. Vanessa knew that she had lost him.

She had some pride. She would not flirt with him; she would not hang onto him and try to be in his presence at the party. Instead she got quietly high off of the champagne that was being liberally passed around at the reception.

Earlier Vanessa had gone upstairs and changed from her too dressy bridesmaids dress into her new knockout black dress that fit her perfectly. She loved her high heels and jewelry and thought she looked her best. It was all for nothing.

Perhaps she started to dance alone because she was lonesome; perhaps she did it to attract his attention, perhaps not. At any rate she got up alone when a particularly scintillating song came on and she started dancing. Too late she saw that he wasn’t even in the room, at least not where she could see him.

That didn’t deter her; if she couldn’t attract him, she would see if she could attract another male. So she shimmied, shook her hips and really got into the music. He had always loved to watch her dance and she was pleased to dance before him with or without clothes, in fact she had often danced nude for him as a preliminary to lovemaking.

She was in her world, eyes closed, except that made her feel dizzy so she opened them to see Urs shouldering through the crowd of men that had gathered around to watch her dance. He caught her by the arm and all but dragged her out of that crowd telling them when they didn’t want to move “Get the f**k out of my way.”

She had never seen him this angry not even at their breakup and she wondered why. He didn’t want her, why couldn’t she dance for others?” He didn’t stop until he had reached his rented car. Once there he held on to her arm until he unlocked the passenger door opened it and sat her down with a thump. He then walked around to the driver’s side, got in and drove away.

“What’s wrong with you Vanessa? You’re drunk. You’ve got eye makeup all over your face and you’re treating yourself like you’re dirt.”

“Why can’t I have someone else? Why are you angry if I want someone to want me? You don’t. Not anymore. You’ve got your little houchie. Ah ha! Didn’t even know that I knew that word did you? I might not be a world traveler like you are Mr. Big Shot but I know enough. I know that you’re f***ing her now.” And she started to cry.

He didn’t deny or admit it. He just kept driving. He didn’t stop until he reached her home in Lille, three hours drive away. By then she was asleep and he awakened her gently when it was time to get out. She came awake knowing instantly where she was and who she was with.

“Please don’t leave me Urs. Please come back to me. I can’t live without you. You shouldn’t have made me love you like you did. You used to tell me that I was great and now that you’re famous you hardly have time to give me the time of day. It’s not right, baby.” She had no pride left.

His response was silence. He had followed her into the house that they once shared, unzipped her dress and helped her shuck the rest of her things. She felt joy in her heart because she thought that he was coming to bed with her; instead he put the shower on and walked her into it. There, although he ruined the sleeves of his designer coat, he washed her from her head to her feet. He knew her body as well as his own.

He then took a large towel, wrapped her in it while he rummaged into her bureau for a gown. When he found it he placed it over her head and proceeded, just like in old times, to brush her hair so that it wouldn’t be mussed the next day. He took off his jacket, nothing else and lay down on the bed with her in his arms. He then started to talk to her.

“I am not going to sleep with you tonight Van because it would give you false hope that we can go back together. We can’t go backwards. What we had is over for good. But just because we are through doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you. I care what happens to you. Don’t throw yourself away. You’ve got to pull your life together, go back to work do whatever it takes to stop this downward spiral.”

“You’re not coming back?” she was crying so hard that she was hiccupping.

“No, you’re right. I’ve moved on. I couldn’t stand the haranguing and arguing and insecurity. I wasn’t seeing anybody but you when we were together. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life explaining every smile, every interaction that I had with a woman who wasn’t you. It became too much.”

“I’ve changed Urs. I’ll be what you want me to be I swear it.”

“I don’t think you can. And if you could, who’s to say that we would even want each other. A person has to be who he is. Don’t change yourself for me, change for yourself.

“Now I’ve missed my flight from Holland so I’m going to drive back to the UK tonight. I have to leave now in order to be there in time for tomorrow’s flight out for our next performance in New York. I can’t afford to miss that flight.”

“Remember, I will always be your friend. If you really need me, call me and I will come to you.”

With that he got off the bed, retrieved his coat, set the door to lock behind him and left.

Chapter 6
I’ll take care of you

When he heard Irma’s words his heart dropped to his feet. “Attacked? How? What happened?”

She hadn’t had much to report. “I only know that earlier today, I got a call from her mother. I guess Vanessa hadn’t told them that you and she had broken up. Anyway they thought that they should let you know since you are still listed as her next of kin.

“Look, you stay put why don’t you? I am already at the airport. I am flying to Paris to find out how she is doing. I should be there in a couple of hours. I’ll find out all that I can and call you back OK?”

He had gone in to headquarters and told them that there was an emergency at home and that he’d have to leave a day early. That would have been unacceptable if they had been on the road with singing engagements. Had they had bookings it was a big deal because thousands of fans would have been disappointed. Usually they were booked so solidly, there was no possibility of rescheduling.

Fortunately there were no bookings and since they were closing down for two months anyway, he could take the music with him to memorize with lyrics, tunes or languages should he get the chance. He hoped that he would, not because of the music per se, but not having time would mean that Van was seriously injured. He couldn’t imagine Vanessa not well. She was such a vibrant individual.

When his sister called back on his mobile, he was already on the road. He had taken the express train to Paris. Irma had reported that as far as she could tell, Vanessa was commuting home from her job in Paris the previous evening, when someone had snatched her purse. She had held on to it and ended up getting whacked over the head. She was unconscious all last night but in the morning regained consciousness. Now it was safe to say that she was better and had talked to her parents once they were notified and they had called me.

“So did you see her? Did you talk to her?”

“Yes, but she’s pretty much out of it for now. Her mother is with her of course. She is going to take as much time as she needs off from her job to take care of Van. Everything is going to be all right.”

“Nevertheless, I’ll be there by tonight. I want to see for myself that she’s going to be all right.”

They had signed off after that. Once in the city he rented a car and drove directly to the hospital. There in the hallway he ran into Van’s mother, Marie who had just learned that they had not been a couple for several months. She was a bit chagrined that she had caused him to leave his obligations and come here when he and her daughter were no longer involved.

“You can go back Urs. I can get emergency leave and move in with Van until she’s well. You don’t have to bother yourself with my daughter. She’s really not your responsibility anymore is she?”

“We’ve been in each other’s lives long enough. I think I owe her that. I will stay. And if I need you to take off and come, I’ll let you know.”

Her parents lived about two hundred miles away and although he had seen them at holidays and family gatherings over the last four years, he didn’t really know them that well. He’d say that he knew them socially with the kind of knowledge that one has of others when things are going well. They’d never had to pull together and go out of their way to cooperate with each other before.

“I’ll go in and see her now.”

Vanessa was sleeping but she awakened when he stood over her bed. It must be that she was still in tune to him as he was to her. “Hi Urs, what are you doing here?” She was groggy from medication but otherwise didn’t look too bad.

“I told you I’d come if you ever needed me. Irma called when she found out. Do you remember what happened?”

“Just that he wanted to take my purse, when I didn’t give it to him he came up close jerked me forward and then pushed me backwards. I don’t remember hitting the ground but a few minutes or seconds later I remember hurting like hell and someone was helping me into an ambulance. I’m ok I guess. My shoulder hurts, my knees too and I think he hit me with his fist on the side of my head because it’s sore there, or maybe I hit the pavement when I fell. I don’t know. But there’s no major damage. A couple of weeks and I’ll be like new. They’ve said that I’m going home tomorrow.”

“I told your mom that she could go on back to work and that I’d take care of you.”

“You’re going to come home with me?”

“I’ll come if you let me. You’ll need someone to make sure you have food in the house and to prepare it so I can be your nurse for a while.”

She had thought about it for a long moment and then she gave a wan smile, “Ok. If you’re sure that you can get away.”

The next day he had loaded her into his rented car very carefully and she sat gingerly for the trip back to Lille. There wasn’t much talk; she was still on pain medication so she snoozed for a good deal of the trip. When they reached the house she said that she thought she’d go back to bed and he agreed that she should. “You can sleep in there.” and she pointed to the bedroom that was next to hers. “That is unless you want to take the other one.” The message was, you can sleep anywhere you want, except in my room, in my bed.

One week later she was much better. “How long do you plan to stay here with me?” She had asked him. He wondered if she wanted him to leave.

“As long as you need me,” he had answered. “I have this month and the next off, so I can stay.”

“Um, that’s probably not a good idea Urs.” That was all she said. But then she added. “Stay another week if you can.”

That evening after dinner they sat playing chess and he ventured into an area that he had been curious about but didn’t think it was any of his business.

“Do you have a man Vanessa? I mean someone that you care about?”


She shook her head no. “If I did, do you really think he’d tolerate you staying here with me?” and she smiled, some of her old spunk coming back.

“He would if the relationship is just getting started, maybe you’re just dating and he doesn’t really know, unless you had told him. Something like that.” He evidently had given it some thought and had come up with a number of scenarios on his own.

“I can’t believe that you’re fishing about what I’m doing with my life. You are the great silent sphinx when it comes to your private life. Don’t you have enough to do managing your own affairs without trying to manage mine?” Her smile softened her words.

“If you don’t have anyone, what are you doing for sex?”

“I don’t think that women are like men, at least I’m not like you. I don’t have to have it. I can live without it.” She looked at him and crossed her legs. She also crossed her arms.

“You can do without but do you? That’s what I’m asking you?”

“Are you still ‘doing’ your lady friend?” She had started to call her ’his w***e’ but decided that she would not fall back into that old pattern. That is what drove him away. When he didn’t deny it she knew that he was still involved with her at least he would be when he returned.

“And so,” she continued, you want to get your ‘needs met’,” and she made quotation marks with her hand for emphasis, “but yet at the same time you’re concerned about how I satisfy mine? I hardly think that is fair do you?”

In answer he shrugged and said “Fairness doesn’t enter into it. I can meet your needs,” and he mimicked her quotation marks with his well manicured hands, “if you let me.”

She had looked at him steadily over her coffee cup for a long while. “Let me get this straight. You’re not talking about coming back to me are you? You’re talking about” and she took a deep breath,” making love to me temporarily until you go back to your lady aren’t you?”

“Not necessarily. If we could get along like we’ve done for this week, I would want to come back.”

“You still care for me?”

“Yes”.

“And you don’t want me to sleep with any man but you, is that it?”

“That’s it.”

“And you’d cheat on your new girlfriend. Am I supposed to believe that you’d cheat on her but not on me?”

“You’re still mine. She’s not, never has been and never will be.” He said it matter-of-factly as if she should understand.

“She’s not yours. Yet you do sleep with her. You make love with her. Whatever you have going on in that head of yours about me being yours and she not being yours, that doesn’t hinder you does it? I mean it doesn’t keep you from enjoying what you do with her does it?” She had to smile because she knew the answer to that one.

He smiled too. “Nope, doesn’t hinder me a bit. But for the record, the difference is that I don’t love her, I do love you, always have.”

She noted that he didn’t add ’always will’ to that statement. “When we broke it off,” she said, “I had to really fight to find a reason to live. I loved you just that much. It was not a good situation for me. You remember how I acted out at the wedding reception and cried and begged you to take me back. I will never ever let myself get into a position of begging any man again. I promised that to myself.”

“You don’t have to beg. I’ll come back. All you have to do is tell me yes.”

She was so tempted; so very tempted. “After that incident at the wedding, I ended up going to a psychiatrist. You didn’t know that did you? That’s how bad off I was, and I don’t even believe in shrinks really. But she gave me some good advice; something that I should have already known. She told me to forget about you.”

She watched him narrow his eyes and knew that he didn’t like that advice. “She said that I should work on myself. That I had to feel good about myself before I could be confident enough to live with a man.”

Now he got the picture. “I could have told you that.”

“You did tell me that but in different words. The leap you made from being Urs Buhler local guy, to Mr. Swiss Bliss on an international stage, was too much for my sense of self worth. I wondered why you would still want me and probably drove you away to prove that I didn’t deserve you. Life gives you what you ask for.”

“Now that you understand, now that you know the reasons, could you tolerate living with me again with all the hoopla and the crazy life?”

“No.” she said flatly. “Knowing what I need to do is not the same as doing what I need to do. I have to find my own self worth and not let it be tied into being somebody just because I’m with you. And I will never, ever let myself get into that position again.

"I loved you Urs. I trusted you. I thought there was nothing that I could do to drive you away but you proved me wrong.

"That was a lie that I told you about me and another man. If I could take that story back and tell you all over again I wouldn’t lie. I haven’t been with any man since we broke up.”

“I found your hospital record in your bureau. You were pregnant with my child.”

“And I lost it. That’s when I found out that I was pregnant, when I had to go in for the bleeding. But I shouldn’t have been pregnant. That was my doing too. I was careless with the pills. It was probably a Freudian thing, me subconsciously wanting to trap you. I regret that too.”

“So, am I to conclude from your in depth explanations of your mistakes and how you wouldn’t do it again that you are saying no? That we were a mistake and that there’s no going back for us.”

“I’ll probably regret it but yes, I am saying no to going back together. I can’t say that we were a mistake, not exactly, but only I wasn’t ready for the new you.

“But for old time’s sake we can make love once before you go if you like. I would like to feel that again for one last time.” She smiled at him and stuck out her tongue at him and watched him give her a slow sexy grin.

“But not this week though,” she added. “Let’s say next week, before you go. I’ll be in better shape then and afterwards you won’t be hanging around tempting me to ask you to stay.”

“God that’s not enough Van, not nearly enough but if that is how it must be, then that’s how it must be. I’d like to tell you that I don’t want a little piece of you if I can’t have it all, but I’ll take what I can get. You say when and I’ll be ready”. It had finally dawned on him that his charm was not going to sway her.

“You’re ready now. You stay ready.” And she looked at his lap and gave him an eye roll. “But I warn you. You’ll have to wear a condom. You’re still having your ‘Lady’ too and while you might know her past sexual history, I don’t. Besides I’d feel like she’s here in bed with us unless you wear one. And - I am not protected. So you won’t think that I am trying to play some sick game with you.”

Chapter 7
For Sentimental Reasons
2006
A week later Vanessa was just about ready to release Urs from his self-imposed nursing duties. Once she had let him know that she would make love with him once before he left, he seemed to be looking forward to it. But dreading it at the same time. He would frequently say, I don’t have to go yet, I can stay longer. I have another month and a half off.

Vanessa had not had to go into her reasons again. He remembered that she felt it would hurt too much for them to become too attached again, at least at this point in their lives. He had even asked her “Why don’t you ever ask me to drop Alana? Before, you would have been raking me over the coals about her.”

Vanessa had not formulated her reason for not asking this of him. His question forced her to think about it. “I suppose, Urs, I don’t ask you because although you will promise me that you won’t go near her again, I don’t think you will keep your promise. Oh you’ll intend to but sometime in the future, a few months or maybe weeks from now when you haven’t been with a woman for a while, maybe you’ll be far away let’s say Australia, and you’ll start to feel lonely, or have needs, or need your ego stroked or whatever reasoning that men give themselves that allows them to sleep around. And there she’ll be, waiting for you with open arms. How does she get you guys ready for a show, what does she do?”

He wasn’t too comfortable talking about Alana she could tell. “She just gets our hair in order and puts the stage make-up on. That’s all.”

“No, I don’t mean that. How does she do it? Does she stand? Sit? Are you sitting in a chair or what?”

“Uh, we sit in the chair and she stands.” His eyes betrayed that he didn’t know where this conversation was going.

“Like this?” And Val had come to stand behind him and she ran her hands through his hair, something that she knew he used to like and by his reaction he still did. He closed his eyes briefly.

“I can see how it will go. If you break up with her, she will want you back. I can’t fault her for that. So, she will put herself out there. The others will get the standard treatment but you, my love, will get the special. That means that as you sit there, she will be all over you.” Vanessa leaned into him her hip level just about even to his mouth. She then walked around behind and leaned in and her breasts brushed his back. “How long would you have the will to resist that especially when I am nowhere near to compel her to stop messing with my man both literally and figuratively.”

Urs silence told her that he didn’t disagree with her. “So we are back to that impasse again. Is there no hope for us, for you and me together? I‘ll be on the road for years to come, and as long as you insist on staying here, I‘ll be alone.”

“Of course there’s hope. When I do whatever it is that I need to do. If you still have that love in your heart for me and still want me, then I will try to get you back. I might be successful, I might not. That I realize. I am willing to take my chances. But I can’t come under your thrall again. I won’t. Even if it hurts me to see you pinching her cheeks, smiling at her and looking at her like you used to look at me.”

“How long is it going to take you to do this, whatever it is.”

“I have no idea. It might be a year, it might be ten. I don’t know what I need to do but when I’ve done it, I'll know that I’ve accomplished it. My inner being will tell me that I have.”

“You sound as if you have already done that Van.”

“I’m on my way. I’ve made a start. I can tell that. But that is because I am not around you so much and I no longer have this feeling that you are mine. Who knows what would come out if you recommitted to me and I heard you tell all of the interviews that you are ’attached’. I would grow possessive of you and that monster of jealousy might come out again. Soon I’d be haranguing you day and night and even over the phone. That’s not who I am and not who I want to be.”

The very next night she slipped up behind him and whispered in his ear that she was ready for them to have their one night together. In the old days, whenever she wanted to make love she had asked him if he had taken his Viagra that morning. And because he was so far from needing Viagra he would always laugh and say he’d had a double dose. This afternoon when she had asked him that, his eyes had actually lit up. And because tonight was to be a special night, and she was back up to par, she made him a special meal of all his favorites to soften the blow of telling him that come morning, she wanted him to leave. While she was cooking he left for a while, she didn’t presume to know where he went and didn’t ask. She knew that he’d be back shortly.

They ate their dinner in silence and they moved into the living room for dessert and coffee. As soon as they finished, it was only around seven o’clock in the evening, he asked her if she was ready for bed.

“I think we should go for a walk and wait at least two hours before we try to make love. Some things can’t be done adequately on a full stomach.” She looked at him and dared him to disagree.

“A full stomach won’t bother me.” he had grumbled, but they walked out into the twilight; the beautiful stars and the wonderful greenery and peaceful surroundings soothed them both. Vanessa had her arm in his but it was too much like old times for her so she pulled her arm away from him and he let her go. He seemed to understand that she needed to keep some distance between them.

They sat on one of the stone benches, they had made love there once in the warm summer twilight heat but that was long ago and over and she pushed it firmly out of her mind. Her mind also kept threatening to give her pictures of him engaged with Alana, both of them writhing on a bed in some far away hotel room, but she also had to force that away. She rationalized it by telling herself that he had been with other women before her and that had not bothered her so why should this? Alana was not with them tonight, and it worked to a certain degree.

A half hour later they went in.

He had gone out earlier to buy her a gift, a lovely locket and he asked her to please put a picture of him in it so that she didn’t forget about him. She wanted to ask him what he would do so he didn’t forget her but she didn’t. She remained silent. He would either remember her or he wouldn’t.

After coming back into the house, neither could wait the two hours and they raced to see who could undress the fastest. She beat him out because she had on flip flops and no socks. When she peeled off her panties he sat up and looked.

“You’ve made some changes.” He indicated that the hair on her mound was almost non-existent. She had had it waxed to leave only one light brown strip down the center.

“I haven’t done anything since the last time you saw me. I mean when I was in the shower after the wedding party. I almost had this dyed to match my hair but I thought better of it, after all there was probably lye in the solution.”

“Why‘d you do that if you aren‘t thinking of sleeping with somebody?” Back to that again. The man had a one track mind.

“I didn’t say I wasn’t thinking about sleeping with somebody, I said I had hadn’t done it yet. Anyway, not everything that a woman does is for a man. I work out. Did you notice that? No. I get a pedicure once a week, did you notice that? No. I just happen to think the waxed look is neater in appearance and I like it. So I did it. What do you think?” And she walked over to him as he sat on the side of the bed, still removing his shoes and socks. That had the effect of putting her very near his face. He actually blushed she thought because it brought to mind what she had said about the moves that Alana would put on him.

“She wouldn’t be nude like you are Val.”

“That doesn’t matter. I happen to know that you have an overactive imagination. In your mind you’d have those clothes off her in a second. But enough about her, let’s put her out of here tonight. I won’t mention her any more if you don’t.” And she walked over to turn off the light.

He had rid himself of all by the time she made it back to the bed and he pulled her down into his warmth. There he just kissed her, just like they had done in old times. He kissed her in so many ways and finally she felt the warmth of his tears on her face.

She reached up to make sure that what she felt was really tears and sure enough, his eyes cheeks were moist. “Why do you cry Urs? I’ve never known you to cry before. What’s wrong baby?”

“I’m not crying” he asserted. “I never cry.” Then he gave in. “I guess I’m just a little sad because I let you get away and I don’t want to wait for you to come back. I want you back now. That’s all.”

Ah, now she understood. It was a man’s version of a two year olds tantrum. He wanted what he wanted and he wanted it now. She was touched by his sentiments somewhat but she wasn’t about to change her mind. She was just not strong enough yet to take on this new vision of who he was and maintain her own.

Self-assurance, her insecurities were sure to rear their ugly heads in all of their various forms. Then he would become exasperated with her timidity again, not understanding it, and then they’d be back where they were when they broke up.

Vanessa didn’t waste time trying to sooth his tears or address his concerns. They had been over this over and over again in the past two weeks. She dedicated herself to arousing him again, knowing with a man that was the quickest way for him to get over any emotion, except perhaps fear.

He didn’t want it to end quickly and neither did she. And she let him do whatever turned him on. When he put the light back on and placed his head on her inner thigh to ’look at her new waxed do’, she let him. When he wanted to do oral on her she permitted that but very quickly it was making her too hot so she told him he had to stop or she’d finish and go to sleep on him. He had laughed at that.

Finally he came to her and came into her and kissed her all at the same time. He seemed to want to do for her rather than have her do for him. She suspected it was because he had Alana to do for him and that his girlfriend was the adoring one in that relationship. But she pushed that thought from her mind. It didn’t matter. He wanted her tonight and that was enough. They made love just about all night pausing only to sleep a little bit and to drink water. They had discussed it. She had told him a week earlier that they could make love once. Now they had to thrash out whether one time meant one time or one time all night. He had won the discussion. One time meant all night as long as they were in bed together.

Then when morning came, it was over. She was sleepy but asked him what time he was going to pull out. He had said he’d just as soon get started. He had told her that he planned to go to Switzerland and spend the rest of the time off with his parents and siblings.

“To sort of reconnect you know? Being on the road all the time with strangers isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.”

Before he left he told her that the rule still stood. If she needed him, anytime, she was to call on him. They had kissed goodbye and he was gone.

This time, Vanessa was able to keep the tears from flowing. But she missed him so much. She set about diverting herself from that searing loneliness by planning what she needed to do to become her own woman. Later she would think about what she needed to do to become his woman again.

Chapter 8
So that you’ll love me again (Pour Que Tu M’aimes Encore)

This time instead of resorting to her old pattern of cleaning the house when she was upset or lonely, she set about making a plan to change her life and to become her own woman.

She started by making a list of all the things that in her estimation could be done immediately in the time frame of the next two weeks, before she returned to work. She also created a second list and it consisted of the things that would have to come later.

Immediately after she finished writing her lists, she went to the first item which called for her to find out more about confidence in relationships. She logged onto the internet and started reviewing the educational offerings. Though there were many, there was one colloquium that immediately got her interest. It was called ‘Understanding Social Intelligence.”

Because she had no idea what social intelligence was or why one should have it she clicked to the next page to read a bit more about it. She saw the learning objectives and began reading.

The quality of our relationships fundamentally influences happiness and health. In this unique program, you will acquire key insights and skills from the new science of social intelligence.
You will learn:
The origins of Social Intelligence,
The Amygdale, - How threats are detected; a remnant of the reptilian brain
The frontal lobes -Unlocking the mysteries of social awareness, wisdom and morality
The Neurobiology of Desire: pleasure, lust and love
The Neurobiology of compassion

Development of Social Intelligence
Recognizing Emotions in Others
Shame
Empathy
Honesty and Deception: non-verbal ways to detect lying
Dominance and Power
Romantic Love and Enduring Relationships
Nonverbal Expressions
Psychobiology of Attraction
Attachment Styles
Partner and Spousal Disagreements
Predicting Marital success
The Capacity to Change

Van had no interest in the amygdale or reptilian brain, those two lines she looked at and immediately had the impulse to flip back to another site but something stayed her hand and she read on. The two topics that captured her interest were the ones on romantic love and enduring relationships and capacity to change. Perhaps there was something in this on after all that she could use. Nothing ventured, gained a small voice said to her and she heeded it. She signed up for the seminar on line. She'd have to fly to the UK to attend but what the heck; she had nothing better to do. She would attend it in two days time.

After that she called Irma, Urs sister and made an appointment to meet with her tomorrow at ten am. The two women decided that they would both drive and meet at a half way spot that they had used in the past. After chatting with Irma for a short while she went to her list of phone numbers and after searching for a bit, she found the number that she was looking for. She hadn’t expected to actually reach Carlos’ wife because she was a busy woman but Van left a message on Gay’s phone and also sent a private message to her email site on the web asking her to call her at her home as soon as she could. Van left her phone number and then went about the business of reviewing her two lists as Printemps the cat left her spot in the window to come over to inspect Val’s paper. Satisfied that it was nothing for her she accepted a quick head rub from Val before going back to her perch and duty of making sure that no birds landed on the outside of the window sill.

That night Gay Marin got back to her. She remembered Vanessa from some of the side trips that they both had taken with the guys. Gay let Van know that she frequently travelled from Madrid to Paris and in fact would be in town in a few days to promote her new video and after the promotion events, she would be happy to meet with Vanessa. How about 1 pm?

By the end of the week Vanessa had gathered as much information and done as much fact finding as she could. She had almost run through her ‘short’ list, the lone remaining item on her list was to volunteer at this point this was not a fleshed out idea. She figured that as she searched and researched, ideas would come to her. The point was Van had learned that the most effective way to get one’s mind off oneself was to give to others.

Of the three things that she had already done, signing up for the class, meeting with Urs’ sister and meeting with Carlos’ wife, she felt that the meeting with Gay Marin had been most informative as well as most disturbing. Later when she returned home and was alone, she sat and tried to digest everything that they had talked about.

Carlos Marin, the lone baritone of Il Divo, known for his power house voice and suave good looks, seemed to adore his petite wife Gay. Gay was a complex mix of sophistication and down home girl that Van had felt a rapport with from the very beginning. She valued Gay’s opinion. Gay was both sensible and sensitive.

They had met in a little coffee shop in Paris on Thursday a little after one. Even though it was only early afternoon, employees at the Buddha Bar, an upscale watering hole across the street were busy at work getting the place ready for tonight’s clientele. This noisy activity going on and observable through the windows provided a much needed distraction while the two women became reacquainted with each other.

When they got down to business Van found that Gay’s first thought had been that Vanessa had come to her to just get information about what Urs’ activities were with other women. Gay knew that Urs and Van were history and that he was seeing Alana Roberts.

“I knew it and I didn’t tell you. At the time I felt that I should mind my own business. I just didn’t know if you wanted to confront the issue. I thought that perhaps you were trying to ignore the situation, hoping that it would go away, and I didn’t want to make you feel as if you had to take some action, to do something, you know?”


“As I said, she was chasing him before you two actually broke off. I should have at least picked up the phone and told you privately and knowing you as I am now coming to know you, I would make that call to you in a heart’s beat. But it’s too late now, I guess.”

Gay was a tiny woman, blond dyed a whiter shade than Van’s gold. She was very slim and pretty. She spoke French but it was heavily accented with her native Spanish.

Van was honest with Gay. “I played right into their hands. As his fame grew I started *****ing at him,” Vanessa had admitted and Gay had nodded in perfect understanding and responded, “Yes, and she was there to agree with him that yes, you were in fact a b***h. You say he broke it off over the phone, well I imagine that knowing she was waiting in the wings gave him the impetus to go ahead and call it quits. And now you want him back you say? Does he want you as well, or is he still too ‘in love’ with her?”

Van thought for a minute before answering. “There was a mishap at the train station and I was injured. He voluntarily came and spent two weeks living with me to help me out since both my parents still work. So, yes, I’d say he’s interested. Whether he is interested enough in me to drop her, I don‘t know.”

“How do you know it’s interest in you? Perhaps he thought that he owed it to you.” Gay was frank with her questions.

“Maybe there was a bit of that too, I don’t know. But he definitely said it. He said that he wanted me back. He told me that he still loved me. We also slept together.”

“Then why are we meeting about this today; why are you not with him?”

“I don’t completely understand myself. I only know that I couldn’t go back to him then and I won’t go back with him until I learn to understand better what it is like living with someone who‘s an performer. That is one of the reasons why I wanted to meet with you, to get your perspective on being married to an entertainer.”

“They’re not just entertainers they are male first and foremost. It is not an easy thing. And I suspect it will get harder as time goes on. The life of male entertainers is about two things, performing and women trying to meet them”. Gay thought for a minute and added, “I was going to add a third thing too but I don’t think we have to worry about them having trouble avoiding drugs and alcohol. Hopefully, they are too smart to add those.

“Now your Urs is a nice guy but as I said, ‘guy is the operative word. He is a man. Women try to run guys aground. He won’t be able to escape them even if he tries, and I am sorry to say, men don’t always try. As things now stand, some of the most beautiful, the most accomplished women from anywhere in the world will be making themselves accessible to our guys.”

Van’s heart sank anew. These thoughts were nothing new to her but to hear them put into words was disheartening. Gay’s view of the situation was quite disturbing.

“So what do we do, just let them run amuck and be with these women while we sit at home?”

Since Gay was Spanish, she was comfortable talking about their culture. “It’s possible that is what you will choose to do. Spanish men have a saying. Never ever lie to your mother, never tell your wife the truth, and don’t let your wife and your girlfriend meet each other. That’s why when you see my Carlos talk some of the BS that he talks on stage not all of it is BS, some of it, a small bit I’m sure, is true. He is doing this to stroke his ego”

“How do you tolerate that Latin lover stuff? Do you ever just want to tell him to zip it and just sing? That’s what I had problems with. I love Urs so much but I don’t know if I can live with him if he doesn’t love me.”

“Carlos loves me. And I didn’t say that Urs wouldn’t love you again. He will love you very much, especially if you learn how to handle him. You must realize it is the other women who come on to him who he will not love. But men have this strange sexual curiosity. Not just the entertainer, the everyday working man has it too. My dad did, my brother does. They always wonder how it would be if they could sleep with this woman or that type girl and so forth. But you must never confuse that curiosity with love. That is just the way they are and most of the time, their love for you keeps this curiosity in check.

"If you do marry Urs and the marriage lasts to become a long one, occasionally there will be women who he will fall in love with too. That is probably what we women call the infatuation.” Van leaned in close because like her husband, Gay tended to speak quite fast and as she warmed to the subject her accent became heavier. “The difference between the two kinds of threats to you is that is that the first is just built on plain old curiosity and that inquisitiveness could possibly lead to one night stands, especially if he feels that you no longer have a rapport with him and have lost your marital connection.”

“Lost a marital connection? Do you mean if we don’t talk much or if we...”

“I mean if you allow anything to come before your relationship with him. It could be your job, your children, even your aging parents. Who knows? Men can be tolerant of these situations for a while but they are not known for their ability to endure situations that are distressing to them especially if they feel that that situation is taking away your concern for him as first place in your life.”

"So the lesson for us women is to do all that we can to keep the bond strong, you know with private jokes that only you and he understand, giving him the sense that you have his back, that you won’t let anything hurt him, that you will protect him from intangible things. He will be your physical strength but he will know that men are lacking in just about all of the subtler emotions and so will rely on you help guide him through that morass.

"Even so, even if you do all of those things, you still might experience the second kind of slip up from him, the one that is not based just on curiosity but on fascination and fantasy. With the second kind, the infatuation, meet someone and new feelings will hit him like a sunrise. He will really believe that he is in love because she is new to him and seems perfect to him and he hasn’t had time to find out that she is human and has flaws too. They are in the honeymoon of the relationship. And all of it is pure fantasy.”

“So you are saying that the first kind, built on curiosity, won’t go anywhere because he knows that it isn’t love. But the second might?”

“The second kind won’t go anywhere either unless you make it go somewhere. I think first duty of the wife to her husband is to decide which kind of threat it is. If it is the kind where he is on tour with nothing to do and he goes down to the lobby and sees a woman from the orchestra pass by, say a first violinist and she smiles and then flirts a bit and when he smiles back and she becomes animated around him as if his words are made of gold, he will be curious and might try it. He will know he’s not in love, she probably won’t know he’s not, but he is just waiting, continuing with her until his curiosity raises its head again and he’ll sample someone else.

“Your job as a wife will be to squash it before the curiosity can take hold in his mind.” And Gay started to laugh and she laughed so hard that she could no longer continue with what she was saying.

“What’s so funny?” Van asked, smiling too at Gay’s obvious funny bone.


“Have you seen the ‘Dog Whisperer’ on the television?” That is just what he does when he trains his animals. They are so one tracked in their minds until he has to snap his finger or say shush to get them out of whatever has caught their attention to put their attention back on what he wants it to be on. That is what wife will have to do.”

“I will have to be a trainer?” And Van smiled at the picture that presented.

“Yes. You will snap your finger and bring him to heel. But you will do that only if you assess the situation and find that it is the passing fancy, the nine lived curiosity of the jungle cat. If it is of the second kind you do not want to do that at all.”

“Why wouldn’t I want to try to force him to do the right thing?” Van asked sincerely puzzled to think she’d stand by and do nothing.

“When is the last time you made Urs do something that he didn’t want to do?”

Van looked at her steadily. “I made him come back to me and ask if we could go back together.”

“You didn’t make him do that. It is what he wanted to do. Had he not wanted to do that you could have stood on his bed in nothing but a matador’s cape and he would have ignored you. No the thing is that it might not be so easy to squash because he will truly believe that he loves her more than he loves you. Remember she is a fantasy. Your duty as a wife will be to let it be. Like the three monkeys, see nothing, hear nothing …I forget the third nothing.”

“I think it’s probably ‘say’ nothing.” Van said drily.

“That’s right. If you don’t see it or talk about it, it will eventually die down. Give him no opposition against which to fight. After an indefinite period of time he will start to grow tired because he will discover that she is just as flawed as his wife, maybe more so. Or it could happen that by then the woman will be pressuring him to leave you, his wife. Then he will be grateful if you step in and get him out of something that he is tired of anyway.

"But you have to time it just right. Interfere too soon and he will get on his high horse and say that you are trying to keep him from the love of his life. He will say things that hurt you, you will say things that will hurt him and because of the hurt you can’t find your way back to each other. You divorce him, or he divorces you and he attaches to the other woman and she gets the money, not you.”

Van had learned that haranguing a man was not the way but she was having difficulty accepting Gay’s philosophy too. “How can a woman not say anything? He is going out, or how ever they do it, you know it and you still remain kind and loving when you really want to run over him with a Mac truck?”

“Yes it is important that during this time you kill him with kindness. It is surprising what one can do when one can see the big picture. He’s not doing it to you specifically, that is just his nature. He would do it to any woman with whom he involves himself over a lifetime. Men like new … experiences. They like to have their ego stroked, a new woman fawning over them, telling them how great they are when we both know they’re just human beings. No more, no less.”

“Wow, you have given me a lot to think about. And you know, it sounds pretty accurate from what I’ve experienced with him so far. I played right into her hands; I can’t believe I did that.”

“If you plan to take him back, you had better get an idea of what you will do after you get him. You don’t want to repeat the same mistake all over again do you?”

“What did you do with Carlos? I know that you and he had a long term relationship before you married so what did you do to get him to marry you?”

“I would say that you have to ask for what you want. However, and there’s always a however, if you are going to give him an ultimatum, make sure that he loves you. If you say, ‘we can’t be together unless you marry me’. Then be prepared to be left if he just won’t do it. I gave my Carlos an ultimatum and he stepped up to the plate after we had lived together for nine years. The wedding itself was a surprise but the concept was not. He knew that to keep me he had to marry me, and he did.”

“Well, Urs and I lived together for five. And then he left me.”

“But he’s trying to come back. So, let him. Even if you haven’t quite decided if you can take it or not, give him a little something to hope for until you do decide.”

“You mean like, sleep with him?”

“Yes. I mean sleep with him. If you don’t you are giving her all of the bases. Then as soon as you know that you are ready to go for him, demand marriage. Being his wife as opposed to his girlfriend makes all of the difference in the world. He can still get a divorce but men usually don’t, especially if you give him all of the intimacy that he can stand and you don’t criticize and scold him too much. Oh and as long as you don‘t throw away his money.” She paused and thought for a moment. “And then, if he does find himself drawn into some new latest and greatest and best woman that he’s ever seen, do like we talked about. Determine what kind it is. Curiosity or infatuation and then act accordingly.”

“If it’s just curiosity break it up before it gains any legs. If it’s a case of infatuation, wait until it runs its course and when it starts to wane, break it up.”

“Very good, I too am beginning to understand more clearly from just talking this over with you.” Gay said. “And remember, not all men are like this, just a large preponderance of them, so your guy might prove to be a honest and faithful husband and if he isn’t you can do something about the curiosity aspect of it. You can be there to prevent it from happening. Carlos and I have a pact. We get together at least once a month. If he can’t come to me I go to him. I admit that I prefer to go to him so that I can scout out the competition. There are always a few women in the organization, those who are around them all of the time; I call them the camp followers with job descriptions. They happen to work but their main goal is to catch a rich husband even if they have to take another woman‘s man. If she knows that the wife will show up periodically, she will tone it down, and so will he. That means that you will always have to put more emphasis on being a wife than being a mother.”

“Are you and Carlos going to have children?”

“But of course. But there is no greater gift that I will be able to give to our children than to keep their father with them and not off having other children with some other women. So, all of the times that I leave them with relatives will be for their own good too.” She laughed with her characteristic light tinkle.

Van added. “People try to say that it doesn’t matter whether the children have one parent or two but it takes both. Is there anything else, have we missed anything?”

“Nothing major I think. You will need to search for a job that will allow you to travel - either that or not work at all. That can go either way. I chose to have a career but as soon as my contract ended this time, I went into a new direction. Getting into music DVD’s gives me lots of free time but also gives me a sense of self worth that sitting at home would not do. You will have to decide what is right for you.”

“I have remembered one other thing that I want your opinion on. What about Alana Roberts? Even if I am able to bring him back to me, how will I ever trust her again? She will still be around him at every performance, still in his face. I can learn to ignore lots but having her there will be difficult for me to ignore.”

“I think you and I both agree she has to go. Once an employee has an affair with the artist, well, you as the wife will have the opportunity to voice your opinion, your righteous indignation so to speak. Sony BMG will have to give her another position of course so that she doesn’t lose salary and, to avoid a law suit. But they can do that to keep Urs happy. Your job will be to convince him that he needs to get her away from him in order to keep you happy. “

Chapter 9
Watch Out World, Here I come
2006-2007

The meeting with Irma earlier on that same day had been of a different sort. Because she was Urs’ sister as well as her friend she had only wanted to put her friend’s loyalty on the spot. She had merely wanted to know if Alana had showed up in Switzerland now that Urs was there and visiting his parents. Her purpose of asking was to try to determine Urs degree of sincerity with her. If he had asked Van to allow them to go back together and then taken his girlfriend on vacation; that would have been too much, no matter what Gay’s liberal thoughts on men were.
Irma had told her no, she had never met her. Vanessa had also mentioned that she and Urs had hit it off and that sometime she was going to want him back and to not be surprised if she hears that he has stopped by because she was going to call on him whenever he was near enough to come to her.

“Are you saying that you are going to make yourself my brother’s w***e?” Irma was quite fond of Van and didn’t like the idea at all.

“I have always been that have I not? What would you have called me when we lived together?”

“Oh Vanessa, that was different. He wasn’t seeing anyone else then, just you. Now … I don’t know, I think you might be in for a lot of heartache. What if he just uses you and then marries her?”

“You said that he’s said that he’d never get married.”

“Yes, but what if she traps him, with a baby. You are taking a big risk and I don’t want you to be hurt. We’ve been friends for too long. Oh I could bop him over his head for doing this to you.”

Van had surprised herself by laughing. “He’s not doing anything that I’m not letting him do. It will be what it will be. I’ve got to go. I have a one o’clock meeting. I’ll keep in touch.” They had kissed each other on each cheek and left.

When Vanessa returned to work at the end of the week she immediately set about finding some sort of volunteer work that she could do to help pass the time while she found her center. There was one task that the volunteer center recommended that she thought she could accomplish and still work and keep her stamina up.

Every day, there are elderly people, sick, feeble, who are quite frail but still struggling to keep their independence by living in their own homes. Occasionally there would be a husband and wife living together but most of them were seniors alone. Vanessa’s job would be to make a call to them on the phone, see if they made it through the night without mishap, ask if they needed anything and relay that information to the appropriate social worker. If the elderly person didn’t answer, Van was to make calls to the local hospitals to see if the person in question had been admitted.

The patron’s part was to notify the organization if they would be out of the house at say, doctor’s appointment, grocery shopping or any other situation in which they would not be answering their phone.

And so, each day, she’d go in to work early and before she started on her regular job as meeting planner, Val would complete her list of about fifty households, sign off and email it to Bertha Logan, the social worker for this area. She was quite good at it too in that she wouldn’t stop until all of her seniors were accounted for.

She found that there were quite a few people all over the city doing this task. It was a simple task but one in which she felt she was doing something good other than just thinking about Urs and his life and her situation. Also it helped put things in perspective.

Six months later Vanessa had left her old job and taken a position at the Philanthropic Association de Sud, located in Paris. She still needed to commute but now her hours were her own. In this position she was much more involved in the resources that were available for the elderly and she was able to help several people on a day-to-day basis. It was a very rewarding use of her time.

It was in this capacity that she met Lady Hildegard Pettigrew, an Englishwoman who earlier in life had chosen to live in Paris with her lover, and had grown old there. She was without other relatives and she and Vanessa became friends.

As Hildegard grew frailer her spirit soared. Sometime Vanessa, not wanting to go back to her empty home, would forgo getting the train up to Lille and would spend the night in Lady Hildegard’s luxurious apartment. Hildegard found Van to be great company and they would often spend hours after Van left her job just chatting.

They became good friends in spite of their age differences. Van found that Hilda liked to reminisce about her younger days when she had been, as she put it, quite the firecracker. In the course of these conversations Vanessa finally told Hildegard about her love for an entertainer but that she was trying to stay away from him at least until she felt that she could have as much meaning to her life as he had to him. She could not live through him.

That was one concept that Lady Hildegard could understand. She thought that women should never be completely beholden to any man, no matter how well off he is. She had questioned Vanessa carefully about her education and found that she had completed University, but had never used that knowledge in her work life. Vanessa had joked that she had majored in ’basket weaving’ but Lady Hildegard had interrupted her.

“Ah ha my dear, you have the degree. That is all that matters. The degree says that you can do the job and you have to believe that you can do it. I am going to recommend you for a position. A new position is coming up as Regent in one of my foundations. If you are selected, you would be responsible for making decisions about how the philanthropic money is budgeted. That is where the power is. I think that you will do well, if you believe that you can do it.”

It was in this conversation that Van found that Lady Hildegard was enormously wealthy and involved in philanthropy at a high level. At her suggestion Vanessa had applied and was surprised when she got the position. It placed her into the six figures category. It was a low six figures but there nevertheless.

After that she frequently stopped by to ask Lady Hildegard’s opinion and the Lady mentored her; teaching her the ins and outs of finance on a large scale. She was a great resource, having lived all of her life with great wealth and she still handled it mostly herself, only depending now and then on the advice of her accountants.

Hildegard was proud of Van but she also reveled at becoming involved in a young person’s life again. In this way Hildegard felt that she too was more alive, in spite of her failing health.

Vanessa cried when one day she went into work and heard Hildegard had passed away in her sleep during the night. She had lost a great friend, one who in a way had become like a grandmother to her. She attended the funeral that was carried out according to Lady Hildegard’s specific pre-death wishes and knew that she would truly miss the Lady and her surety, her courage and all around spunk.

Soon Van had settled back into her routine, grateful that Lady Hildegard had gotten her into a position that she loved, making a salary that would leave her comfortable no matter what the future held. She was astounded when she received a message to attend the reading of Lady Hildegard’s will. She was floored when she attended and found that the Lady had left a very great sum of money to establish a Centre for Charitable Giving in an area outside Paris and that Vanessa Bruges was to be its chief administrator. The plans for the building had been drawn up by an architect but Vanessa was to have administrative veto. In the body of the will, Lady Hildegard had explained her reasoning. “Vanessa is like a daughter to me. She was there when there was no one else. Any pre arrangements are done to aid and assist her and are not to hinder her in the accomplishment of this goal.”

The center’s charter was straightforward.

To consolidate giving into one entity, to provide one place for the distribution of grants and largesse, to improve the lives of the peoples of the world

Although located in France, it was established so that reputable groups anywhere in the world could apply for some assistance. It seemed that the intent was to help people who had been involved in moderate to major disasters around the world. But there would also to be a small grants section to help individuals, especially the elderly and the very young. Lady Hildegard had thought that by consolidating the giving under one roof, philanthropic minded people from all corners of the globe would give if they felt it was legitimate and the funds were used appropriately. Hildegard’s first recommendation to Vanessa was that she hire an accounting firm to keep records, and she recommended one that she had used over the years.

To say that Vanessa was blown away would be an understatement. It didn’t’ take long for her to realize that Lady Hildegard had brought her along, mentored her, with these plans in mind all of the time.

Finally, in the will, there was to be a built in salary of a million per year for the Administrator that would be adequate but not too extravagant. The executor ended this part of the reading by handing Vanessa a packet of instructions involving the business that Vanessa would pour over later. There seemed to be detailed instructions regarding three separate arms of the corporation, that of Receiving, Dispersion and Public Interface.

The executor then continued with the personal portion of Lady Hildegard’s will. Privately, she left Vanessa several million just because she loved her and wanted her to be independent of others and should she so chose, even the responsibility of carrying out the plans for the Center. She ended by charging Vanessa to live life to the fullest and to have no fear. (In emulation of how Lady Hildegard Pettigrew had lived her own life)

Vanessa went home and secluded herself for a full week. The first two days it would be safe to say that she was in shock. As Van paced and thought, Printemps uncharacteristically paced with her as if she somehow sensed Van’s unrest.

After that Van gathered her wits about her and made the decision that if Lady Hildegard Pettigrew had faith in her, she must live up to that by having faith in herself. She could not help but wonder how this had happened. How, once she opened herself up to change, change had come to her in full force, but in small manageable portions. She couldn’t voice her thoughts but Printemps seemed relieved that her mistress had settled down and could now concentrate on taking care of her.

After that Van spent weeks sitting in the sunlight that poured into the window seat pouring over all of the various papers and recommendations. Even with her new found confidence she sometimes wondered if she could do it. She came to the conclusion that this enormous task would have to be accomplished the way that everything worthwhile in life is accomplished, one day at a time with honesty and courage. And a flash of insight at that specific moment let her know that if she married Urs, the same two virtues would be primary. She would have to take marriage and all that it brought one day at a time. But that would come later. For now she had to get to work.

She started by hiring a headhunter to go about a world-wide search for the best and the brightest five. She wanted… no needed her freedom and to have that, she had to have capable people, people of capacity in her head positions. She needed One to head up each of the three major components of the Center which were, Receiving, Dispersion and Public Interface. She needed also a head for the administrative staff, and someone who could oversee the building and maintenance of the actual center.

A month later she was knee deep in interviews for these positions. Six months later everything was en train.


Six months later she was ready for the groundbreaking ceremony and the unveiling of the project to the world at large. Her CEO for Public Interface had promptly hired a social secretary and the three of them poured over the plans for the actual ceremony. Dignitaries from the world stage were invited. They had decided to name the building that would soon be underway The Hildegard Pettigrew Trust. Unique gifts of tiny vials of earth encased in a tiny facsimile of a globe being pierced by lightning with the slogan “Bringing Light to the World”. (She had actually had to convince a Christian delegation from the USA that this slogan in no way implied that they were trying to usurp Christ’s role; and that this endeavor was one of His many tools. Surprisingly, she had managed to bring them around to her point of view.)

Reporters would be invited as well as a few of the Hollywood crowd as they too had money; physicians, technological guru’s such as Bill Gates, etc. The speeches were to be kept to a minimum. Vanessa herself was to present the charter and then turn it over to each department head to explain its particular and unique function. The social secretary recommended that they try to get Luciano Pavarotti to sing one or two songs and that they end the evening with a ****tail party and receive pledges in an informal manner.

Vanessa shopped specifically with this day in mind. She purchased a crème silk suit whose fabric was composed of two inch wide vertical bands of tone-on-tone stripes. This evening suit was very subtle but loaded with understated elegance. She chose matching shoes, very high heels as was her style. She had her hair trimmed into an asymmetrical cut, left it semi curly and on the appointed day had someone come early to do her makeup. There was nothing like a professional person who knew what they were doing to bring out the best of one’s features. Vanessa thought briefly that she needed an Alana in her life.

She had not called Urs. Neither had she talked with him since the day that he had left to go to Switzerland. He had asked her to call if she needed him, presumably that was extended towards all of her needs, sex included, but she had decided not to go there with him, at least not yet. The truth was she was not around him enough to know exactly what kind of relationship he had with his new love. She hoped to give it time to burn down and she didn’t think that giving him access to her person would be helpful. Would that not have the effect of making him accustomed to having two women at the same time? She had wrestled with this thought and decided that she would do nothing.

She had no idea just where he was presently but she had vowed to herself that as soon as this project was underway and she had a bit of free time, she would begin reeling him in. Just how she would do this she couldn’t say but she was a Frenchwoman and Frenchwomen were known worldwide for their allure. Surely she could put some of that age old intuitive knowledge to work for her.

As it turned out, she didn’t have to wait any longer. To their sorrow, Luciano Pavarotti died a few days before the grand opening. That left Marnie, the social secretary scrambling to find a replacement of sufficient caliber, talent and overall appropriateness to replace him. She had called an emergency meeting and Vanessa listened while Marnie recommended that IL Divo would be a good choice and they just happened to be free on that date. They did not have the reputation of a Pavarotti yet, but, they were the natural artistic children of Pavarotti in that they were carrying on his work of combining the opera and the pop. Vanessa had remained impassive. It seemed that fate was arranging her life to fit its plan for her.

It had been a full year since she had seen her love. At thirty six he was at the height of his physical beauty and she could see that gradually fame was changing him. More polished than he had been when they lived together. He was more impatient too. She knew that the attention of the fans could be overwhelming, especially to him, one who needed his solitude.

On the day of the opening ceremony she did not approach IL Divo. She doubted that they knew she was even there. She allowed the program to go along on its planned course; she acted as if he were not under the same roof as she and she didn’t think that he noticed her before she arose on cue when her turn came, just after Il Divo had completed one song. She made her way to the mike and gave her prepared speech deviating only to welcome Il Divo and state that she was very pleased to see that they were well and in good form. The audience had chuckled at that because they were quite handsome as a group and she was a beautiful woman showing her appreciation of them while at the same time, their eyes were giving her compliments that were off the charts.

She had not known the girlfriend was there until she made her appearance later during the ****tail party. Vanessa had finally stilled herself from her job as chief mingler so that Urs could catch up with her and as soon as she stayed in one position, he had approached her floored at what she had accomplished in a year.

“I couldn’t believe it when you stepped forward as the Administrator of this multi-million corporation. It is no wonder that I haven’t heard from you. You have been busy babe.” He spoke easily, just as if they had seen each other yesterday. As he reached over to point to her name on his program he allowed his finger to drift under the sleeve of her jacket and rub her skin at the pulse point.

Encouraged that he was still interested, she answered him softly so that he had to lean in to hear her words in the crowded room. She was aware of the exact moment he smelled her new perfume for his nose flared and he took a deep breath. She ignored that reaction and was just starting to fill him in on some of the astounding opportunities that she had received when out of nowhere she saw Alana. She still recognized her from the video clip on You Tube. She would remember that face forever.

Van thought she and Alana looked amazingly alike. It was immediately obvious to Vanessa that Alana had no idea who she was and Urs could not have warned her because he had not known that she was the President of the Corporation, not until she was introduced as such. She supposed from Alana’s point of view, she saw a very attractive and sophisticated woman talking to her man and she was coming to intercept and interrupt the conversation.

As Alana approached, Van watched her thinking, a bit pettily, but unrepentantly, Alana is wearing a provincial rag of a dress. None of her thoughts showed as Vanessa turned graciously to include Alana in the conversation.

She didn’t know what languages Alana spoke. Van and Urs had been speaking in Dutch. That was the language they had grown accustomed to communicating in over the years, due mainly to the fact that his native language was Swiss-German and hers was French. That was before he learned most of his proficiency in French from her. When they had been in the Netherlands together, they had both spoken Dutch because that was what their friends spoke.

Vanessa continued in that language long enough to determine that Alana couldn’t understand a word of what they were saying.

Urs became aware of Lani’s presence when Vanessa smoothly switched to French on him. He had looked at her over his shoulder and moved a little to the left so that Alana could enter into the conversation. She did not however speak French so Van switched to English. She then received an answering light in the other woman’s eyes.

Vanessa was unsure whether she wanted to be nice or nasty. She decided to err on the side of being nice, initially. “Urs is this Miss Roberts? You didn’t tell me that we are very much alike. That’s quite interesting.”

Alana was confused but was trying not to show it.

“Vanessa, be nice now,” Urs chided her and that was when Alana recognized her. They had never met before but surely she had heard of Vanessa during the months before Van and Urs broke up and afterwards too.

“Alana Roberts, I’d like to introduce Vanessa Bruges,” was all he said, and then the dog looked off.

Vanessa smiled and continued, “Are you free tomorrow night? I’d like to invite you to dinner” Van continued cordially.

Alana, unsure if the invitation included her or not, as Van had intended, pitched in and answered for both of them. “Oh we’re returning to the UK tonight.”

Uh Uh, That’s a mistake, Val thought, now he will surely come just to show me that you are not the boss of him. None of these thoughts showed on her face as she ignored Alana’s response and looked at Urs.

“Why yes.” He answered, but he did look more closely at Vanessa to see if she was inviting just him alone or if it included both of them. When he had said “yes” Alana had looked at him surprised and perturbed. ’Yes,’ Val thought, ‘see the handwriting on the wall. This is war.’

Vanessa had then turned to Alana and asked sweetly, she thought, but not too sweetly, “Is six good for you Miss Roberts?”

She had excused herself then so that she could circulate among the guests and do what this whole affair was intended to do, let the public know that if they wanted to give, this was the place to do it. In her rounds she ran into Carlos and she was pleased to see that Gay was with him. They had greeted her like an old friend she was sure that Gay had given Carlos a watered down version of their conversation. She prayed that Carlos hadn’t mentioned it to Urs but there was nothing that she could do about that now.

She considered the evening a success as far as the gifting went. Whether it would prove fruitful towards her quest for her man would remain to be seen.

Chapter 10
In with the old, out with the new
2007




The next day, Urs and Alana arrived promptly at six. He was like that, punctual almost to a fault. Vanessa wondered why Alana had consented to come to the house that Urs had lived in with her. But, she realized of a sudden that Alana had not known this until they walked in, Urs took Alana’s wrap and Van very casually asked him to place it on her bed. When he headed off Alana’s eyes met hers and Val widened her eyes as if to say ‘what?’

“He lived here with you didn’t he?” was all she said. In response Vanessa had nodded straight faced, “For several years, yes, before that we lived in an apartment in The Netherlands.”

For the rest of the evening Vanessa made sure that Urs played host to her hostess. It made perfect sense, he knew where everything was located, and why pretend that he didn’t? For instance, he knew where the wine was stored for the before-dinner drink. He helped her clear the table after dinner. He knew how to make the coffee to go with dessert. While he was in the kitchen making the coffee, Van came in to cut the pie and pile on the whipped cream.
“I know what you are doing you know.” He said in a low pitched voice. “You are killing Alana with kindness while you demonstrate that you and I used to have a life together.”

“Do you want me to stop? If you do, I will, you know. It’s been a year, Urs; I have become quite dispassionate where you are concerned.” She met his gaze and held it.

“You are lying and you know that you are lying. You and I could never be neutral towards each other. You love me and I love you, the question is do you still love me enough to come back to me and stop playing these silly games about finding yourself. It looks to me as if you have done just that.

“And if I do say yes, what then?”
“I would drop her tonight.” he said resolutely.
“Don’t be rash, come over without her and talk to me first. It is possible that you will change your mind when you hear my terms.”

“Your terms?”

“Yes, my terms.” she said just as resolutely as he had done seconds before.

“It will take me an hour to take Alana back into town and an hour to get back here. Will you stay up for me?”

She looked at her watch, it was now nine o’clock. “I make my own hours and go in to work when I decide; if you like you can come back tomorrow.” There was no need to appear too anxious, after all, he had broken off with her, dropped her for that woman in there, that Alana, right when she needed him most.

“I’d rather come back tonight. I’ll use my key so don’t be afraid when I let myself in.” He left the kitchen forgetting about the dessert and leaving the coffee perking, went and picked up Alana’s wrap off Vanessa’s bed and said, “Let’s go.

Vanessa didn’t make eye contact with either of them; she followed behind them to the door as he hustled his girlfriend out and shut behind them before they reached their car. At the beginning of the evening Van had found her rival to be perky, cheerful and in good humor. She was neither of those now. Perhaps she felt the attraction, the pull that existed between her lover and his ex. Perhaps she even intuitively knew that the night was not over for them because she heard Alana haranguing him similarly to how she used to berate him a little over a year ago. Vanessa’s last thought before she went in to shower yet again was that this was not the way to keep any man. A woman had to use subtlety and refinement. Even so, one could always get the job done, just not in a crude and obvious way.

She perfumed her body lightly and put on a lovely lace paneled white robe that opened down the front. It had wide swaths of lace interspersed with transparent fabric, it revealed while it concealed. Then she crawled into bed. She had decided that she did not want to wait for his return tonight, just in case his girl had more of a hold on him than Van had estimated. It was altogether possible that if Alana suspected that his intent was to drop her off at their room and leave again, perhaps she would be successful in enticing him to stay with her tonight or, barring that, counterfeiting illness so that he would have to stay.

When she heard his key in the lock, she took a quick look at the bedside clock; midnight. He had managed to get away but it had taken him longer to get away than he had anticipated. He had, however, made it. Now the next undertaking was to see if they could deal.

She listened while he made his way through the house, dark now but still familiar enough for him to make his way in with just the ambient light from outside. He moved almost soundlessly. Had she not been expecting him she would have missed his entry. Thinking that she was asleep he said nothing but immediately began to undress. She gave no indication that she was awake but let him slide into bed where he snuggled up to her back and gently pulled her into his arms.

Oh God. It felt so good. She had not been held by any man for over a year and this man was the one she craved. She longed to just roll over and let him work his magic on her body but, she had to be stronger than that.

Gay had advised, and she had agreed with her. A woman had to ask for what she wanted. So she disengaged his arms from around her body. When he felt her moving his arms away, he held them up, ‘hold-up’ style to allow her to do what she wanted to do.

“What?” was all he said.

“We need to talk.” she scent wafted upwards as she rustled the covers, so far, she loved her new perfume.

“We can talk later. I am dying for you.”

“Shall I get you some wine, or perhaps some coffee, before you expire?”

“Very funny Van; In case you don’t remember, that was a metaphor.”

“Oh I remember all right. I also have a few metaphors of my own, how about ball and chain, hooked, even attached, or how about leg shackled. I know that leg shackled went out over a century ago but think of the graphic imagery. One cannot help but know what that means.”

“It means marriage” That’s your price?”

“That’s my price. If you want me back in your life, in your bed; you will have to marry me and be my husband.” There she’d said it. No beating around the bush.

“Why do you say both? Marry you and be your husband. Aren’t they one and the same?”

“No they’re not. To marry means one thing. To be a husband means another thing and they are not the same thing.”

“Explain that one to me. I don’t get it.”

“Did you know that I met with Gay about a year ago? Did Carlos tell you?”

“No, He didn’t. Why tell me that you met with her? Does it have some significance in this conversation that we are having?”

Yes it does. Listen. Gay told me an old Spanish, or probably European, or perhaps even a worldwide philosophy that men have. It goes something like this: “Never lie to your mother.” and he started repeating it with her, evidence that he had heard it many times. “Never tell the truth to your wife, and never let the wife and girlfriend meet. (Van said girlfriend and he said mistress)
“That is the philosophy of a man who is married but is not a husband, pure and simple.”

“I’ve already blown that one, I have lied to my mother on occasion.” and he laughed because he thought it funny.

“Be serious. Marriage is two things. It is the day to day carrying out the business of marriage, and she lowered her voice to sound like a male. “Honey would you pick up my laundry? Honey what’s for dinner? Honey what bills are left to be paid, or why didn’t you pay that bill on time. Or even, “Are you going to get up and change his diaper? That is the business of marriage. But there is also the relationship of marriage, the romance, the allure, the sexual tension. That too is what marriage is.”


He sat on the side of the bed. She sat on the other side; they could see each other clearly with moonlight streaming in the window.

He spoke first, “I don’t know if Il Divo is at a place where I can consider marriage. How about we live together for a year and then consider marriage? Can you give me a year?

She acted as if she was giving this proposal of his serious consideration and then said “Nope time’s up.”

“Damn it Val, when did you come up with all of this crap? And why?”

“I came up with it when I realized that you would move back in here with me, be my boyfriend and then screw your girlfriend when you were on the road that’s when I came up with it.“

“I wouldn’t do that and you know it. But even if I would, being married to you wouldn’t change that.”

“I’m waiting for you answer. I am not prepared to ****er and bargain with you. That is my uiltima…I mean request.”

“There you see, you let it slip. That is your ultimatum.”

“OK ultimatum.”

She sat and waited patiently while he considered what she had asked. When he picked up his pants and put them on she thought he was leaving. Instead he walked into the kitchen and brought back two glasses of cold water. “Fooled you didn’t I?” Sometimes his sense of humor was not funny. “OK, you win. We’ll get married but we have to do it soon. I don’t have a lot of time left before its back to the grind.” He drank a long draught of water and she watched his beautiful throat move with each healthy swallow. “Now can we get in bed and make love?”

“Of course not. I have other terms that we have to work out before we can do that.”

“This is sexual blackmail. That is a crime woman.”

“So arrest me.”

“I’ve a good mind to do that. Handcuff you to the bed and sc**w you senseless until you are begging me to stay no matter what.”

“Hmmm. That sounds interesting, but back to business, business before pleasure.”

“What else?”

“This concerns the romantic part of marriage, not the business part. You will have to be committed to the marriage. You cannot just blow me off with, ‘I was lonesome, or some other lie. If you do, I will make you sorry.”

“Are you going to be equally committed?”

“I already am. I haven’t slept with a man in over a year and that man was you. So don’t even go there with me.”

OK, sincerely, I will be committed to you, only to you no one else. I will protect our marriage and I’ll tell you a secret, I was going to ask you to be my wife later tonight anyway, I was just going to wait until we had made love. Now can we?”

“Almost, but we have to agree to meet at least monthly. If you cannot come to me, I’ll come to you. Where ever in the world you are.”

“Hmmm. That sound like Gay’s and Carlos’ arrangement. Did she tell you about that when you two met?”

“Yes. She did.

“It will be nice having my family with me. I will look forward to your coming to me. You know Van, it’s not that men set out to do wrong. It’s just that we are weak, sometimes. And being on the road is very grueling. We might go out and have a solitary dinner, and then after, there’s nothing to do until the show the next evening so there’s practically twenty four hours to while away. Then, you might see a friendly face, one of the females in the band, or the whatever, and we start up a conversation and it goes on until the wee hours of the morning we’re drinking wine or something and before you know it, it’s happened and it doesn’t mean anything, doesn’t have any more significance than watching a TV show but we know it’s wrong so we lie and tell the women in our lives that nothing happened and then when she finds out that it happened she is ready to break up or get a divorce.”

“From the man’s point of view, she’s ready to get a divorce about a very small thing, am I right?” When he nodded she continued. “That is incomprehensible to me because I am a woman. I would have to care something about any man that I chose to sleep with. And it would be specific. I would not be because one of the men in the band wandered by and we started up a conversation and then ended up in the sack. I don’t think you are being honest with yourself. I’ve seen some pretty grandmotherly like women in the band, I am sure that your lust would not include those ladies would it?” “No. I didn’t think so. So it has to be a bit more than just availability and loneliness, there has to be attraction too. Most likely, if you will examine your inner self, you would have noticed this person at some time in the past and that opened the door for you to allow yourself to slip. You are strong enough not to approach her for sex but weak enough to allow it to happen if the opportunity presents itself.”

“When you say it like that, I suppose you are right.”

“Then the challenge will not be that I will be coming to visit you soon. The challenge is that you recognize temptation when it occurs and put whatever thought arose at the sight of this person out of your mind before the idea has time to develop into full blown ‘wish I could check that out,’ this she said with her voice lowered in imitation of how a man talks. Your lower mind and your penis will always cause you to want more, more, and more but, you must be aware of how they work in collaboration with each other and put a leash on both of them. Impose the will of your higher mind on both of them.”

“Where did you learn all of this stuff? You sound like a psychologist.”

“It was just some seminar that I attended about ’Social Intelligence’. Actually it was very good. It helped me understand my brain, as a female as well as the brain of men. We are really quite different you know.”

“So your seminar says if I see a woman to whom I am attracted, I should quickly put her out of my mind. Do you want me to be honest with you, you won’t become angry?” She nodded and he continued. “A man thinks about sex just about every ten minutes when he is awake. And he sees a woman about whom he has…a kind of sexual interest just about as often. So am I to go around ignoring these thoughts?”

It was surprising just how accurate she and Gay had been in their conversation. “You are to ignore these thoughts, or divert them or whatever you do when they are directed towards a woman who is too close to you for comfort, for instance in the band or is someone who is around you more than once in a while in a very casual way. Because believe me if I see you smiling…no you can smile but you don’t have to touch. If I see you pinching the cheek of any woman in your organization except the grandmotherly type, I will slap both the cheeks of your face and your behind.”

“Woo wee. I just might like you spanking my behind but better yet, I‘ll spank yours. We’ll have to try that sometime like now for instance.”

Wait, before you pounce, there is just one more thing. The lady who you are seeing now has to go.”

“I promise you that I will break up with her very soon, but I will also have to let her down easy because she is a nice person and I owe her my respect.”

“You break off with her in any way you think best but I don’t mean go… as in the woman that you sleep with. I mean she had to leave Sony.”

“You will threaten her job just because of this?”

“It’s no ’just’”. I want her to never have an opportunity to put her hands on your face or in your hair again. She is not blameless in this. You can defend her with your last breath but I don’t believe for a minute that she didn’t know that you were in a relationship with me. You told everyone that you had a girlfriend and what did she do? She put herself in your face. You might think that you came on to her but she made you notice her when we would have probably worked out our differences if she had kept her pretty blond head out of our business. So yes, she has to go. Find a way to make it happen before we marry; send her to the Australian liaison, didn’t Sebastien find his girlfriend there? They should have a position open then. I want her where the times that you see her again will be few and far between.”

“Consider it done.” Was all that he said.

Chapter 11
THE MAGIC OF THE NIGHT
2007

It was a magical night for the two lovers who had been apart for so long. It was enchanting to all of their five senses. And in truth, Vanessa took him into her bed on sheer faith. She was not sure that he would in fact give his lover her walking papers. She was not sure that he would procure a license and arrange a marriage for them. She was only sure that in spite of the male human’s strange ability to compartmentalize their lives, this man loved her and that he was a man of his word.

She set about reacquainting herself with his body, firm, hard and strong. She would love him until he was a tottering old man barely on his feet, if it came to that. She prayed God that it would for it meant that they would have had a long life together.

She had to reacquaint herself with the way he smelled. Like rich Bordeaux with an underlying tang. She had to reacquaint herself with the way he sighed when he was happy. How he took a deep breath when she moved him with her kisses, her caresses, her body against his. She was all over him and he seemed to love it. Finally she had explored enough, he settled her with his weight. And they rested for a moment before continuing.

“You should have been here all of the time.” she had whispered to him then. “You should never have left.”

“You never left my heart Val. That is the truth. You were with me every day, every moment. I tried to replicate you but although the resemblance was there, you noticed it, it was nothing like you. No comparison. The guys used to tease me. Why don’t you just go back to Vanessa, you went and got another that looks just like her so you might as well have the real deal. At first I was too stubborn and then, when I overcame my pride you wouldn’t have me.”

“I have you now and I’ll never let go unless you want out. If you ever do, there’ll be no strings attached. I love you”

“And I love you” he had whispered.

Preliminaries out of the way Urs reflected they could then get on to the very strenuous undertaking of lovemaking. It just had not seemed right to him that either of them begin after so long apart without reaffirming that they were together because they loved each other and for no other reason. Urs knew that this is the way one might treat a prostitute, get it on without words because she needed no words, just hard cash, but this woman was his love, and he wanted her to know that and to feel loved.

He had always loved her. Had never really stopped but he found that his affection for her had returned also.

Years ago at the time of the height of their arguments, he had come not to like her very much. Now it had come flooding back because she had held up a mirror to her behavior and had not liked what she had seen.

True, talk was cheap but he vowed that he would remember all of the romantic touches that meant so much to women. He would remember the flowers, the candles, the words of love. He was rusty because he hadn’t had to woo a woman in a long time, but, this mattered to him and he wanted her happy and he wanted her with him. She was loyal to him and he appreciated that loyalty. She was faithful to him and he demanded that she be. His ego would not accept that his woman wanted any man but him. He would get the special license tomorrow and in three days, she would be his.

He came back to reality with a jolt as she placed her head on his stomach. That move was guaranteed to get a man’s attention every time.
“Did you wear a condom with her?” Vanessa asked, not really wanting to think about them together but needing to know.

“Always; I wasn‘t taking any chance on having babies with her.”

“Good, I wasn’t going to do this if you had done it without one.” and she proceeded to turn him on with her mouth, it felt as if it had been a whole year for him too. He wanted to return the favor so he placed her on her back in one flip and pulled her legs apart, gently. She was restless and couldn’t settle into it. In a burst of awareness he knew want her problem was.

“No Val, I didn’t do this with her. I never did. Not ever. She did me, I’ll admit but I couldn’t.”

“Why not”? She had had to sit up to look at his face.

“Because, I had not the desire to do this with her that’s why.” When she continued looking at him he smiled, and added, “A singer doesn’t go putting his mouth everywhere. I could end up with herpes sores on my mouth and that’s hard to deal with, both because it looks bad and because it hurts the lips to sing.”

She smiled at him, understanding him completely. “Ah, that’s the real reason. You didn’t trust that she wouldn’t give you some dreaded cootie thing.”

“Could be, Could be that is certainly a part of it. But if one really wants to do that there are ways around it too, I just didn’t want to that’s all. Lie back and let me love you. It’s been a long time and I enjoy pleasing you. But as I remember it you like to pull my hair so…”

“Oh don’t say it, don’t tell me how I carry on.” She laughed. Ever since that first time when she had pretended and he had put a stop to it he had teased her about the ’ruckus’ as he called it that she made. Tonight proved to be no different; after all when it had been a whole year since your man has made love to you, it’s quite difficult to remain silent in the face of such bliss.

Chapter 12
2012

As Vanessa sat nursing her baby and running her hand over her soft light curly hair, Pia started to hum in a sing song tuneless purr that expressed her appreciation for her mother’s attentions, both the nourishment and the head massage.

“You need a makeup lady too to give you some attention don’t you Pia?” and the six month old had smiled around her mother’s nipple in response to her voice and then continued with the task at hand.

Two weeks ago Vanessa had run into her nemesis Alana Roberts. Alana was now married to one of the violinists in the band. Vanessa knew that initially she’d been reassigned to a liaison office in Scotland. After two years there, and true to the way human nature was most had forgotten just why she was there, she reapplied for the main office in the UK and got the job, not as makeup artist but working with the public appearance of the orchestra members.

She had been responsible for seeing that all of the members were dressed in a dignified manner and that their hair and makeup was presentable. She did not have any direct contact whatsoever with the Il Divo guys. But she was around and about and clearly not exactly banished to oblivion and she was no longer a threat. The negative energy between the two women had dissipated.

Initially when they literally almost ran into each other at one of the hotels where the Il Divo crew were staying during a gig, Alana had looked away unable or unwilling to make eye contact. She had then stopped, reconsidered it seemed and spoken to Vanessa.

“I never meant to hurt you, you know. I thought you didn’t deserve him. I knew that he was with you but at the time that is how I justified going after him. I guess I am trying to apologize for that. When I see him now, and that is not often, we are like two strangers.”

Vanessa had sighed. “You were right. I needed to grow up and I did. I should thank you but somehow I can’t. I do understand. We can never be friends but we don’t have to be enemies.”

Both women had then gone on about their business.

Vanessa had later told her husband about the encounter.

“Yeah. She married Geoff Cummings one of the first chair violinists. I suppose he’s a happy man because that girl could suck a penny off of the bottom of a pool.”

Val was not even hurt by this remark. She would have had more concern if he couldn’t joke about her. He continued. “He left his wife of fifteen years for her you know.”

That Vanessa hadn’t known.

“He just lost all perspective. He got out there and couldn’t get back. Gossip is that Alana was giving him head under the baby grand and someone took a picture and sent it to his wife. She divorced him.”

“Do you blame her?”

“That my darling wife is not our problem. But for the record, he was married to a puritan sort, one of those religious ladies who think that it is a sin to do anything but, you know, under the covers, missionary style and so forth. He probably had never had it done to him before and he as I said, lost all sense of judgment. So he married her and I hear that they are happy. At least she doesn’t look at me anymore. For that I am happy.

“What do you mean? In the sack? Of course not. Nobody is better than you. Now that I’ve taught you all you need to know.” he joked.

“I don’t mean generally. I mean at, you know, you said that she could suck the penny off the pool or something like that. That sounds really good.”

“Yeah, I think some women would say that their vibrator is good too but they don’t go around falling in love with it. Do they?”

“Yes, you’re right, but a vibrator is an inanimate thing. And she is not.”

“Yes she is real, and she was just a woman who was very experienced. That’s all. That’s just technique not character or individuality.

“The first thing a man thinks about when he runs into a woman like that, after he is satisfied of course, is to wonder how many other poor Joes she has done. And then the thought that comes right behind that is that there must have been a lot. It is a turnoff really. At least it was for me and any thoughts about anything in the future beyond a temporary diversion. But you are just as good or better if you must make me do a comparison. And, additionally, I know where you learned your skills. That makes all the difference in the world.

“What did you say to her to get her to move to Scotland?”

“When I joined the group and announced that you and I had gotten married the manager announced that he was going to transfer Alana Roberts if I had no objections. Of course I was delighted. They all have too much of a vested interest in Il Divo to let it be threatened by something as insignificant as a romantic liaison. As long as I was a single man, I could do what I liked. But marrying you changed all of that. Even if I wanted to, and I don’t, it would be a major scandal if I even looked at one of those women; you could cause such uproar until we could never recover our reputations as an upstanding organization. Wives have a lot of power you see.”

Vanessa came out of her musings and saw that her daughter was asleep so she took her down the hall to her grandmother’s room. Urs mother had made the trip here just so that Van and Urs could celebrate his birthday with the children, and then again without them.

Earlier this afternoon she and Urs had taken the children out to Disneyland. The little one had looked for a short while and then chose to nap in her carriage throughout the experience. Their son, four year old Christophe had gone on the kiddy rides, including the tea cups and laughed the whole time. He had required that his daddy ride with him and Urs had wondered if he could squeeze into the ride but had no problem until it was time to get out. Van and Pia had stood on the sidelines and took lots of pictures. Fortunately Urs’ cap, worn low on his forehead, shielded him from recognition by the public.

They returned early to the Hotel because Il Divo was performing that evening. Van had chosen not to go but to spend the time with the children before taking her son and later her daughter to their grandmother.

Now she was free to wait for her husband. She knew in spite of it being his birthday, he wouldn’t want to go out this evening. He would be wired though as he usually was after an evening of performing. He said that music and performing got his adrenalin going. And he would be wired until the wee hours of the morning. She planned a private celebration just for the two of them.

When he came home she found that she had been right. She had ordered their dinner up to the dining suite and filled their bedroom with candle light. He had eaten sparingly as she had known he would. And thanked her for the warm soothing bath that she had drawn for him.

At forty-one he was more beautiful than ever. A slight gray hair was managing to peek in at his temples but he was keeping his perfect weight and his body was firm and fit. He was still a young man. She had weathered the ravages that two children can bring to one’s body. But it had required work. She worked out at the gym as vigorously as he did.

When he exited the bath he found her in the bedroom looking ethereal in the candlelight.

“How are we doing? Is everything all right with you?”

Val smiled. She knew exactly why he asked that question. Three days ago when she had flown over from Paris with the children and her mother-in-law, she had left them in their rooms to go and find her husband. She had run upon him and Sebastien leaning against a wall in the auditorium watching a beautiful dancer, a girl who had a terrific figure molded by years through the discipline of the dance. Vanessa had stood out of sight and watched as both men had watched as she moved across the stage very graceful and very sexy. They hadn’t talked much because they were too busy watching her but they did talk a bit, an occasional comment that caused neither of them to take their eyes from the girl.
Sebastien saw Vanessa first. She thought he said ’busted’ right before he used his elbow to bring Urs to attention. Before that, both of them had been sort of slumped with the wall at their backs; they both straightened a sure sign that they were up to no good. Vanessa had walked over to them and her husband took her in his arms and raised her off of her feet with a big hug. “You made it.” Was all he said but she knew and felt that he was glad to see her.

Val had then turned to look at the dancer herself “Who’s that? She is gorgeous isn’t she?”

Neither man had agreed nor disagreed. They were silent on the subject probably thinking that in a case like this, silence is golden.

“She’s going to appear on stage with us Friday evening and she is practicing her moves. Her name is Rosamund and he rolled the ’’R’ in her name so prettily. It almost made Van wish that her name started with an R, but then Vanessa on his lips was said prettily also. “She wants to meet with you tonight if you feel like it.”

“She wants to meet with me? Whatever for?”

“Not just you, she wants to meet all of the wives. I don’t know what she wants. You’ll have to ask her. Go to the Briarwood room at around six if you want to find out.”

She and Urs had then left Seb waiting for his wife Rosemarie to arrive; they went back to their room so that Urs could become reacquainted with his family.

True to their promise to each other, she had seen him but a month ago. But she had not brought the children. Her daughter had had to live off expressed milk and Van had had to cut her visit to three days. But three days are better than no days.

He was astounded at how little Pia had grown in two months but she had had to become reacquainted with her father. At first her baby smiles to him were tentative but it didn’t take long for them to become full all out chortles. Christophe was fine. He had run to him loudly telling him how much he had been swimming since Urs had taught him on their last visit.

“He’s really quite good; Van had supplemented Christophe’s report.
“He’s like his papi …good.” Urs had responded as he had looked at her with knowing eyes and she had blushed for God’s sake.

She had left him talking to his mom and went down to the Briarwood room to meet with the exotic Rosamund. Waiting there she found Gay, Rose, Sara all of the other Il Divo wives. Rosamund walked in just as the others were getting reacquainted. They saw each other often and had become, like the guys, friends of a sort. Val would always prefer Gay but she liked the others also.

Rosamund joined right in by giving each of them a handshake that turned into a quick hug for each of them.

“I wanted you to get to know me. Your husbands have already been singing your praises to me and they also said that you are the most understanding wives and that you are not jealous and all of that foolishness. I happen to be a wife myself and my husband would say the same of me, but he is wrong, I allow him to think that so that he feels like he has his freedom. He doesn’t know that I watch him like a hawk.” She had laughed at that and the others had laughed with her fully understanding her so far.

“So that is why I am here to meet you, to let you know that I respect you and your position in these guys lives. I will be, I have been paid to perform a very seductive dance on stage with them, it will all be done in good taste but seductive nonetheless.

"I want to ask you to remember that this is just a job for me and it is just a job for them. My husband will be in the audience and I am hoping that you will be there also.”

The women had stayed with her for about another hour just talking about life on the road from a woman’s perspective. Rose, as she had asked her to call her, thought that like most things, it is a bit harder for a woman.

“It’s just because my spouse being a man, doesn’t want to feel like he is following me…and living off my money, when in fact, I make so much that it doesn’t matter. I would love for him to leave his job and be my manager.”

“That seems like an ideal solution. Carlos is my manager.” Gay had said.

“Well, the difference is that Carlos is famous in his own right. So, his ego isn’t threatened by helping you. But my husband is an attorney and he says that he doesn’t know the first thing about being a manger of an entertainer. Perhaps I will see if he will talk to your Carlos before we leave here. If he has the skills to be an attorney, perhaps he could do both. And take fewer cases and be with me more.”

After Rose left the four wives went out to have dinner. Let Urs deal with his children alone for a while but in the end she left before they did, she was still tethered to her baby because she had to feed her.


The Friday night dance had proved seductive indeed. It was cleverly constructed to reveal some aspect of each Divo’s personality.

Carlos was known as the hot-blooded Latin lover and her dance, lasting for all of three minutes was centered only around Carlos, was full of frenetic energy as well as moves that a matador might make. It was very exciting.

David was next. He was known as the cowboy because of his upbringing in Colorado. Her dance that centered around him was a combination of cowboy dances; she even placed a ten gallon hat on her head. For David the dance was energetic but not seductive at all.

Sebastien received a very French/Latin Tango, rose in mouth, and graceful moves.

She saved the best and the last for Urs. She gave recognition to his more complex and complicated personality. This she demonstrated by trying at least three different approaches to his person as he stood singing. With each, she drew nearer to him and he remained unmoved and seemed not to even notice her. Finally, as the tune was winding to a close she approached him from behind, placed her arm around his waist and her head on his back and placed one shapely leg out to the side in a pose of surrender. The audience roared. Even Urs had to laugh and Vanessa in the audience thought it a perfect depiction of the dominant side of his personality.

Chapter 13

Now, he had returned from that performance finished his bath and as he approached her in their bedroom, she appeared ethereal in the candle light. He was inquiring if she had felt threatened by anything that had occurred on this trip. She knew that that question included catching him watching the dancer as well as the actual dance.

“She had replied truthfully. “I’m OK. Come to me and I’ll show you. That was an amazing dance. It’s also astounding that she had each of your personalities down to a tee.”

“Probably read our autobiography. It’s not hard to tell that we are very different guys in personality and well as in looks. I don’t know where she got that piece that they developed for me though. I’m not standoffish am I? I’m not hard to approach. I am the soul of congeniality.”

“True, you are that too but you must admit, you are a piece of work when you don’t get enough rest or when you have been away from us for too long. You become moody, grumpy, and downright mean tempered.”

“I’m never that way with you.”

“You are not.” She agreed

She had learned long ago that he really did love her. Admiring other women did not disturb her. He loved her. Irma reminded her regularly that she, out of all his women was the only one that he had come back to after they had broken up. She was the only one that he had not forgotten when she was away from him for a year. “He would have moved on Van, admit it” Irma had commented. You two have something special. “
And special it was. Alana had been something that he had done thinking to pattern himself after Sebastien and get himself a girl who would understand his travels and would be with him on the road and to boot she looked like Van. Vanessa thought that he had been trying to find a more suitable version of herself; instead that is not what he found. He had learned that she could not be replaced and she had learned that she could make herself into that more perfect edition.

From the day that they were wed in the back garden of his mother’s Willisau home under a wreath of greenery and flowers, both of them worked hard to preserve what they had. In two years when their son started school, they would have to make adjustments. Van was confident that the two of them could put their heads together and come up with something that would work for their marriage as well as for their son.

Right now, Urs was busy following her order to join her in bed. He climbed in, making the bed sway to him with his weight and pulled her to him and took her in his arms. She relaxed into him and they lay together hip to hip for a long moment. He was the type of man who needed his woman not only to be there for his physical needs but he needed someone with whom he could talk about his thoughts, ideas, dreams or just bounce things off. She knew by the way that he gently squeezed her, from shoulder to hip and then thigh that he would begin when he was ready. Whether it was to be lovemaking or conversation she couldn’t yet tell. Perhaps both.

She waited.

“I’ve been thinking Vanessa,” he began. “I think I can tolerate this business for about another two years. I’ve already given it eight years of my life, I had counted on ten and then I want to take my life back.”

This was no surprise to Vanessa. She knew that he was in some ways like a fish out of water. He was basically a man who loved a simple life but fate had decreed otherwise. She wasn’t sure that he could reverse things however.

“What about the other three guys, are they too ready to call it quits in two years?”

“Yeah, we’ve been talking and all of us talking about doing a number of ventures, some together, some apart. There are so many ways that we can use our name recognition, it seems a shame not to capitalize on that in some way.”

“What do you have in mind? It sounds as if you have given it a good deal of thought.”

“Just recently, just recently. I still think that performing on stage is the best, the biggest high that one can get but, lately I’ve began to wish that we could just sing to the rafters. I would be just as happy with no audience and yet, the audiences and the venues keep getting larger and larger. We started in small concert halls and now we have moved to arenas and we only book the largest ones of those.”

He turned on his side to face her. “I would, I think my love, like to teach music. I love that atmosphere - the students, the learning, the aspirations. I would want to form some type of liaison with your charitable giving enterprise and open centers of performing arts in several places. Perhaps one right here in Los Angeles, and then another in the Far East. You and I together can make a real difference in a number of motivated children’s lives.”

She was becoming excited just listening to him. “We wouldn’t have to restrict it to just singing but include instruments and the dance. And listen to this Urs, we would be perfectly poised to know which of these children had real talent and those few, we could develop a small center in Europe for them to further their studies.”

“Yes. Those are the ones that we could work with. I mean the Il Divo guys and any other talented person who wanted to give back to the world. I could also be around to get to know my children and to help you with them."

And so they had talked on into the night for another two hours while he unwound from his performance. Finally he had asked her “Are you sleepy?”

“I could go to sleep unless you want to talk some more. If you do, I can stay awake.”

“Neither. And he pulled her closer still and captured her entire body with his and she placed her arms around his muscled back and sighed. They had made love so many times together that it didn’t take a lot of planning, almost no words, unless they just wanted to talk. They knew each other. He knew her responses and she knew his. It was almost like one body and since they both were creatures of habit and had so much unpredictability in other areas of their lives, this was one area that was stable, unpredictable unless they wanted it to be. So there was no need to swing from the chandelier, no need for games, at least not tonight. Perhaps tomorrow though, who knew what that would bring?

She fit her slender body to his and he bent his back to accommodate her. They were in heaven cocooned together.

Later, before sleeping Urs listened to Vanessa’s even breathing and thought of how far they had come. How perilous the journey. At any point they could have missed this happiness that they had. If after their first time together he had not known she was faking it, they could have formed a pattern of deception that would he was sure have bled over into other aspects of their lives; instead this woman had learned to trust him.

Another dangerous time in their relationship had been when he had in essence demanded that she change or he was out of there. She had pulled it off and beautifully too. She was strong, yet she was soft. She was the mother of his children, yet she was also his wife. He never felt alone, he knew that she was at his side. He thanked whatever we call God for making it possible for him to spend his life with her.

Tabby cat Printemps II lay dozing on her pillow by the fire. All was well.

THE END