In My Dreams

CHAPTER 25

(Wake Up Buddy)

Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! The steady thump of a large fist on the hotel door broke through Urs slumber. This time he was sure that he had heard knocking. He was groggy and a bit stiff too. He reached for Jerusa, wondering what was going on but she wasn’t there.

Perhaps she had gone out for a walk. He peered through the peep hole and saw David Miller, one eye magnified, trying to look in. He opened the door.

“David, what are you doing here? And why all the noise?”

“I’m here for you man, you’re late for the sound check. You’ve never done that before.”


“Uh sorry. I must have forgotten the time. I’ve been spending so much time with Jerusa, probably too much. I’ll have to get my focus back for Il Divo. I feel as if I’ve been neglecting it and you guys too.”

“Jerusa, that’s a different name. Who’s Jerusa? Someone you met last night?”

“Come on Dave, she’s my girlfriend. I know we haven’t spent much time with you guys but surely you remember who I’m talking about.”

“No honestly I don’t. Your last girlfriend was Constanza. You broke off with her months ago. Since then we’ve seen you every day, you never spoke of a girlfriend.” David looked at Urs closely, concerned. “Are you sure that you’re all right?”

“But … We’ve been on hiatus haven’t we? How could you have seen me every day? We finished up the 2010 tour and took a break. Jerusa and I have been traveling. ”


“Guy you are crazy. We didn’t finish the tour. We’re in the middle of it. We did one night in Paris and tonight is the second night. Have you been drinking?” David took an even closer look at Urs. “Your eyes are red you know.”

“No, I haven’t been drinking, have you? I know that the tour ended, we did the gig for the WD foundation and …”

David just looked at him. It was clear to Urs that David was confused.

“Come on man, I’ll show you her things. Come, look in the closet. She travels with me everywhere.” He threw open the closet dramatically and the bright afternoon sunlight slanting through the window showed only his things, swinging loosely from the pole. His shoes lined neatly below.

He sat down on the bed trying to think. Had she abandoned him again, without even saying goodbye? “You’ll have to do it without me. I’ve got to figure out where she’s gone. Tell Carlos and Seb to cover for me, and you too David and I’ll make it for tonight I promise, I won’t let you down but I’ve got to find her.”
“Look.” David looked at his watch and decided that he couldn’t leave this confused man alone just now. “Think about it. We came into town Friday, we performed Saturday, we have another performance tonight, Sunday and we leave early Monday morning. You had no girlfriend with you Friday, or on Saturday and not today. If you met someone last night she’s gone. She’s not here.”

“I didn’t meet her last night. I remember her David. She’s been with me for months. I can’t be losing my mind can I? Wait, I’ll check the bathroom surely she left something.

But there was nothing, no products, no toothbrush, nothing. None of her hair was in his brush. They both had brown hair but hers was much longer.

He checked the hamper. No towels but his own.

Urs was exasperated. What was going on? “Look David. My girl and I have been together for most of the past year. We went to a psychiatrist in The Hague together just last month. Her name is Dr. Ophelia Sparks.

"Don’t you remember just last week I was telling all of you guys about her teaching Jerusa and me about surrender. Carlos said that he’d try it.” David glommed onto the bit of information and went to Urs laptop. “The psych doctor, she lives in The Hague?”

Urs hurried over to see. “Yes, that’s her. The sight was an archived site, in black and white but clear enough for Urs to see that it was she. “That’s her David. Now you can see, how else would I know about her?”

“She’s dead Urs. She died before you were born.”

“No! I don’t believe it!”
**
Days passed and finally he had no choice but to believe it had never really happened. There were other telling truths. The music that they had jointly listened to on that last day, how had they listened? There was no instrument in the hotel room. No MP3, nothing. Il Divo was not played on the TV or radio.

The newspapers that he now looked at during breakfast showed a horrible continuation of days that began the day after he had first seen Jerusa.

Weeks later he had come to understand intellectually, that what he experienced was a strange form of lucid dreaming. The word in itself meant nothing to him; it had been a dream within a dream. It was just that the latter inner dream had just seemed so real. He had lived a year of his life in one night.

Coming to grips with this took all that he had. He toyed with the idea that he had lost his mind. That he was secretly crazy and just didn’t know it.

But he couldn’t fool himself. He was not crazy. Still, he was not quite sane either. He went into a frenzy of grief. He couldn’t believe that it had all seemed so real. He bargained, ‘let her come back and I’ll pray. Let her come back and I’ll ‘ … he couldn’t really bargain because he didn’t understand what had happened, he didn’t know what the universe wanted from him.

He became angry. ‘Gott damn it! Why me?' What had he done to deserve to lose her twice? Hard on that thought was the even more chilling thought that perhaps it had been more than twice that he had lost her. Perhaps he could only remember two times.

He realized that he didn’t know reality from delusion, actuality from fantasy and yet, some of it was real. Karl had existed. He was the sole survivor of both dreams. If he existed, could not Jerusa be in existence too?

Finally after a six month period {that felt like six years} in which he sorely vexed the other three singers with his increased moodiness, getting on them for being themselves, giving them hard looks for just laughing, he came to see that he was being a pain in the ass.

At long last he who had never opened up to anyone opened up to them, his brothers of the vocal band.

“You say that it was all a dream, a fantastic dream?” Carlos had asked, not at all familiar with anything remotely esoteric but willing to listen. “But how could you not know that you were dreaming. Hey, what if we are all dreaming, if this Il Divo thing is one big dream?”

But even though they had a time adjusting to the new Urs, they were willing to help all that they could. Because he believed that she lived, he set them to scanning their audience for a slight woman with beautiful blue eyes and brown hair.

He was fully aware that she might look a bit different; in fact her name most likely would not be Jerusa.

“I know that she is in the world somewhere. The dream was just a message to me, a message to let me know that she’s here. I can find her, I know that I can.”

He did not return to his former obsessive behavior. His showers, the gym, although he kept them up, he was less ritualistic with them, finally understanding that they were but a symptom of something larger, some hang up from a previous existence.

He couldn’t say that he believed in reincarnation, not exactly. He still thought himself the exception. That somehow his life as Ulrich had gotten mixed up with his life as Urs.

On his days off, looking for her, he haunted the places where he and Jerusa had travelled. All of them were there just as they had always been. But he realized that they had stayed relatively to themselves. They had not met one single person who would have any reason to remember them.
At the Oktober Fest the couple from America, they had been strangers and strangers they had stayed. The cab drivers who had given them rides, the train rides; the cars they had rented. No new acquaintances had been made. They had been totally into themselves.

Dr. Waldinger. He’d know them.

But he didn’t know them.

Oh he knew about PGAD. But he had had no patient registered under the name of Jerusa Nichols.

Ama – was there but she didn’t remember Jerusa, nor did she remember him.

Finally he checked at the Waris Dirie Foundation. Yes, they had prevented several young women from being cut. But they had done it through investigation not through any connection that they had with a woman named Jerusa Nichols.

It had all been a fabrication of his mind. But how could his mind make up things that he didn’t know; things of which he was not consciously aware? He had no answer for that.

Receiving no answer he was forced to look in another direction. What had he learned?

He learned that there were lessons from the dream that he could heed.

He felt regret that in the dream he had rejected her love. He’d take a chance on love with her when he found her and not waste time analyzing it to death.

He was sorry that he had held grudges. He’d be a better partner when he found her.

He had learned to never give up. He remembered in the dream she had called him to her psychically. They had had this connection. Just as she had called him from his hotel room to hers, she’d do it again. He only had to be patient.

Her work with WD had taught him empathy he thought. When he took her on the ‘ostalgia’ trip there had been a deepening in his realization that there were many ways that he could give back to the world. He only had to become aware and to do it.

‘Oh Jerusa where are you?’ he cried out in agony.

The Universe remained silent.

At the end of the first period he gave in to the emotions of despair that had threatened him since the day that he had awakened. He felt the frustration that bubbled as anxiety in his bones. He felt the anger boil in his blood. He felt the disappointment crawling under his skin. He felt the bitterness at the back of his throat. He felt the defeat and its battle to exist within and finally he knew that he would either have to conquer the negativity or it would defeat him.
He railed against those feelings, staying out all hours of the night; Seb and Carlos the famous nightlife duo became a trio as Urs leaned to outdo even those two, and to enjoy it too.

Eventually, he calmed down. Outwardly. During the second period he learned control. He didn’t try to change the feelings that he still harbored. He grew less contentious. He accepted that only he had experienced what he had and he could not explain it in words.

The third period he learned not to deny the validity of the feelings. He learned not to deny that he had them.

The fourth period he learned justification in that he could not act out to eradicate them.

The fifth period he learned acceptance. He learned to let the dream be what it was, a guidepost that would lead him to the inner peace that he truly desired.

He learned to allow the forces to guide him on the path that he walked. He considered it a part of an epic journey similar to the journeys of Odysseus and Beowulf. Only if he made his journey well would the forces lead him home. He thought in the end he could become the man that he chose to be.

Finally he learned to surrender and in surrendering, he came to accept that he’d never find her.

He released the guys from their vigil for the blue eyed brunette.

“It’s over guys.” He had emerged on the other side, the last vestiges of his boyhood gone. He was now completely adult with few remnants of the man that he had been. The ordeal had left him a bit older, more somber; even less talkative. It was what it was. He stretched his voice to its limits and reached new heights with the band. He dated but occasionally.

He still had a sexual need for a woman now and then but not often. He wanted her. He always made it clear to any woman he met that he had nothing to offer. He could offer neither a short or long term relationship. He belonged to Jerusa.

It was to this new chastened Urs that she appeared.

He was at one of the boring celebrity dinners that now seemed interminably long. They were launching their eighth CD, and its’ accompanying DVD. They had mastered their craft and they managed to chug them out easily but in a very mechanical and routine fashion for years now. He wouldn’t exactly say that the wonder was gone; he would only admit to an ennui that never ceased. Carlos had his adoring fans, Seb his humility before the fans, David his fascination with new technology, and Urs alone had seemed to leave behind the man that he used to be and had not picked up another one.

He was a bit lost.

He hadn’t ridden a motorbike since he didn’t know when; if he strummed his guitar it left him low. The fans, while he couldn’t say he actively disliked them, he could not draw energy from them. They drained him.

But in compensation for all that he imagined he had lost, he had merged fully into the world of celebrity chic. It was a world of starched linens and shirts and expensive suits, and ties. Of hair products, of facials and manicures and pedicures and massages and of hedonism to a level that he wouldn’t have thought he’d enjoy.

He had a woman looking forward to his arrival in practically every town he visited.

But now it was April again and once more he was back in Paris, Paris, the city of his dour memories; Paris where the dream of Jerusa began and ended.

He didn’t love Monica his date for tonight but she was on his arm and was as pretty and succulent as a peach. He had just turned to smile down at her when he heard the laugh. It was Jerusa’s laugh, lower pitched, more controlled, it pierced his heart. When he turned he saw no one who even faintly reminded him of her. That’s when he heard it again.

CHAPTER 26

(You Are Jerusa?)

Had he really heard Jerusa’s laughter? His Jerusa’s voice?

Ah … His overactive imagination again. He knew that this thing, if he did not conquer it, defeat it, would drive him mad. He had called the guys of Il Divo off. Had released them from searching for her every where they went, now he had to release himself from being ever vigilant. He had to let go of hearing her voice in every woman’s voice, from searching each woman’s face for her eyes.

He took a deep breath, and with that breath took on new resolve. He could do this. He was strong. He felt himself calming down once more accepting the inevitable.

But calmness was not to be his for he heard the laugh a third time. It didn’t tinkle, it resonated. It pierced his heart. She was here! He had not imagined it!

And so he began to search for her. He looked towards the general direction in which he’d heard that longed-for sound. People, couples mostly, but a few lone females stood chatting; none even remotely resembled her.

He looked beyond that small grouping to those who were farther away and slowly made his way in that direction. Non who saw him would have been aware of his search. He looked composed and unruffled, amused even as he sipped his drink and meandered in the direction that he wanted to go.

Near the wall he saw two females talking, one was just Jerusa’s height and size. His whole body sagged when he grew close enough to see that she was not Jerusa.

He heard the sound again, this time behind him. He wanted to scream out her name. He was like a man in a house of mirrors looking first one way and then another trying to pin Jerusa’s laugh to a particular woman.

Instead of house of mirrors his fantasy turned to Cinderella and the prince. Perhaps if he locked the door and refused to allow any of the females to leave until she had laughed for him. Then everyone would know that yes, Buhler is crazy.

“Urs, there you are darling. I’ve been looking all over for you. You just walked off. Is something wrong?”

It was his date Monica. This was one time that her company was not welcome. Yet he would not leave to escort her home. Finding this woman, his Jerusa, was too important to him. He prepared to make the excuses that would leave him free to roam when he heard that longed for laugh, this time it was right behind him, over his left shoulder.

He turned. He finally pinpointed the sound and the figure from whence it came. But it was coming from an impossible source. Then his eyes widened in disbelief when he saw the eyes. They were Jerusa’s eyes that looked steadily towards him but they were in the face of … a man!

In his mind Urs admitted that he was jolted. He had imagined her coming to him married, or much too young, as a child perhaps, in any way that she could to elude him, to torment him. He had never considered she’d appear as a man.

He felt his eyes tear up. He looked at the ceiling so that no one would notice.

Absently he stood stunned, conscious of the musical sound of laughter swirling around him. Aware that Monica had spotted an old acquaintance across the room and had hurried off to hug and kiss as females will do.

‘Just how important is it after all?’ he asked himself. The answer was immediate. ‘It is only important to my future happiness. My emotional well being hinges on it’.

‘I could never be interested in her like she is, I am not gay’ his rational mind protested. ‘Perhaps neither is he. What could it hurt to meet him?’ Urs dropped his head and knew that he had a choice. He could walk away and pretend that the disguise that she now wore had worked. Or he could start up a conversation that would perhaps lead to nowhere. Or perhaps he could have Jerusa, an altered Jerusa, in this life, for the rest of his days.

His heart was pounding as he caught David’s eye. His friend who knew his agony; and David sensing something had changed navigated the sea of chattering people and wandered in his direction.

“What?”

“She’s here. “Right there.” And Urs whispered and nodded in the direction of the youngish man.

David’s eyes passed the man but seeing no one else returned “Oh no! Urs have you lost your mind?”

“Shhhh not so loud. I’m finding it.”

“That can’t be your – “

“Soulmate?” Urs provided when David could not speak the term ‘woman’ because it no longer fit.

Urs found that over the pounding of his heart he was able to speak normally. “But it is. I can see her in his expression. Even the smile is the same. The eyes are the same, the hair is the same, and the lithe slenderness is the same.”

“What will you do?”

“I’ll have a conversation, no more.” Urs spoke mildly belying the wild excitement that he felt to have her near him once more.

“Do you think that that guy over there will know or care about the ****amamie story that you’ve concocted?”

“In my dream she knew me. She had dreamed of me all of her life.”

He excused himself from David and roamed in the bloke’s direction. Before Urs could speak the fellow turned and faced him. Urs narrowed his eyes and took in catalogued the man’s features. He might have known that Jerusa in any disguise would be beautiful to him. She was no less so as a man.

Younger than Urs still, he’d bet that to his thirty nine she was now thirty two. Seven years thereabouts had always separated them. He could now see that life was a great circle with the same seasons, same ages, same personalities repeated over and over with minor non-important changes. The substance of life stayed the same.

“Hello Urs.”

The inflection was Jerusa’s but at a much lower pitch of course. Urs didn’t speak but nodded, and kept his eyes directly on those blue beacons. “Do you know me?”

“No I don’t. At least not personally. But then you are quite well known. Should I know you? I merely called you Urs because of the publicity and all. As I said, you are very well known.”

His voice was cultured with a bit of a twang to it, as Jerusa’s had had.

Urs continued his inspection while he spoke. “You will be surprised then that I know some things about you. For instance, I’d bet that your name begins with J. Am I right?”

He smiled at Urs, an artless smile that she used to give. “Are you psychic?” He kidded. “You’re right. I’m Jonah Nicks.”


Yes that made perfect sense. Johanna Nickles, Jerusa Nichols, Jonah Nicks. ‘You’re thirty-two or there about.”

Again Jonah nodded.

“And you’ve dreamed about me.”

Welcoming smile disappearing, the fellow blushed furiously, evidently hoping that no one would ever know that little secret. It reminded Urs of how Jerusa had blushed when he‘d nodded hello to her in the coffee shop. He had been flattered thinking it was because of his celebrity but no, it had been because of her dreams of him, of Ulrich throughout her life.

“Are you psychic?” This time he asked that question seriously. “How do you know about that? Not one of my finer moments I’m afraid.”

After the initial blush, Jonah spoke with confidence and he didn’t lie. Honesty was a trait that Urs valued very much.

Good. This fellow was more formidable than Jerusa and perhaps more confident too.

Urs suspected that he was like him, attracted in spite of his wishes not to be. But he had made love to a man for Jerusa’s sake; he supposed he could do so with Jerusa as a man, if he must.

“When this ends, have a drink with me – and my girlfriend.” Urs asked politely.

Who knew where this would lead? Urs had just learned the final lesson of his drama with Jerusa, that life is more than form. That love is of the soul not the body although it is expressed through the physical. He loved Jonah already and knew that though this fellow would deny it now, Jonah loved him too.

Whether or not it would go further than that who knew? He would always be in his life. For now that was enough.

Not caring who saw or commented, Urs extended his hand and Jonah shook it. It was not soft and feminine as Jerusa’s had been but the shape was similar. Larger, rougher but still recognizable.

He realized that a handshake was not enough so he did a thing that would have been completely unthinkable in the old Urs, the cautious, un-chastened Urs. He leaned in and kissed Jonah lightly on his lips. It was a mere brushing of the lips but nevertheless it qualified as a kiss, of sorts.

Jonah did not pull away.


THE END of Part I

CHAPTER 27

(Urs)

In life there are always choices. Over the next two weeks while traveling in Scotland, I considered mine. I had hedged my bet so that I would have the choice of never seeing Jonah again or contacting him. I had gotten a staffer to get Jonah Nicks direction. I had not given him mine.

Still, my personality required that I give a thorough examination of all foreseeable possibilities that this completely new direction in life could take, if I allow it.

Throughout my self-examination, David served as my confidant. David was my conscience too.


“This will ruin your career with Il Divo Urs,” David had declared. The world is not ready for a gay Divo.”

“I’m not gay. I only said hello to him.”

“But you are preparing to do more. I can see it in your eyes.”

“I have never cared what people thought of me. It is my life, I have to live it as I see fit.”

“Cannot you just see fit to let this go? I mean, you have lived with the loss of your Jerusa for almost a year now, it seems to me that you have made it over the roughest places.”

“If I asked you to forget your wife, could you?”

“This man is not your wife.”

“I know that, nor will he ever be, but by God he is the closest thing to it on this earth. He is very much like Jerusa, but – I would compare them to twins who are of the opposite sex, that is what they are to each other.

“He is not as soft of heart, I know that. But then she was too soft. She cared too much for what people thought. She was worried that she could not hold up her part of the bargain in our relationship, that she would be a drain on me in every way possible, financially at first, but later the thought of intellect entered it too. She thought that because I spoke languages that made me smarter than she. I couldn’t convince her that it was not so, that language is just a learned skill, like spelling. It has nothing to do with intelligence.”

“I wouldn’t know. I’ve been trying to master Japanese for ten years and haven’t accomplished it yet.”

“Yet you are very intelligent. You know many things that I will never know.”

“Is the man that you’re attracted to gay, Urs? Does he have any idea that you have fixated on him?”

“Of course he does. Just as you could read my intent in my eyes, I could see it in his; even now he is probably wondering why I haven’t followed up. But as to whether or not he is gay, I can’t say. I only know that I am not.”

David had looked heavenward as if to ask for help. He knew nothing about it but I know that he thought I was just being stubborn and acting with a one track mind. David didn’t understand. He had not experienced my dream. Jerusa has come to me.

When we returned to the UK, I let myself into my modern apartment. We had long ago left our old flats, the one that I had occupied with Jerusa in my dream. At first I hadn’t wanted to move. It had been my last solid link to her, but then I realized that there was no solid link, it had been a figment of my imagination, it had never been real; she had never been there.


The housekeeper, Mrs. Ross, had stocked my refrigerator and left me cooked food in there. Before eating I undressed, showered and dressed in a dark navy silk dressing robe, another affectation of luxury that I had picked up over the months that I had been alone.

I examined my body. I am used to it and have to take special notice to make myself aware of it. I wonder how I will look to Jonah. I have not gained weight. I still worked out and am in good shape, but I am not as fanatical about working out as I was earlier in my life, still, I am almost forty. I think I could pass for thirty-seven though I’ll never have the slender build of Jerusa/Jonah. I realize had I been born a woman, {I can hardly imagine such a thing} I would have been more on the stocky side than slight.

I took my time eating my dinner, stalling I suspect, until finally I could put it off no longer. I finished, washed my plate and picked up the phone.

**


(Jonah)



I heard the phone ring and before I even thought about it I almost answer “Jonah Nicks here” but at the last minute I halted my thumb from pressing the receive button. I felt an unfamiliar feeling of relief mixed with anger. It has taken Urs long enough to call.

After seeing him at the Fairview, I had thought he would call the very next day. Our meeting had been just that intense. At least for me it had been powerful; I don’t know what Urs was feeling. I get the feeling that he is very good at covering his true emotions. Maybe I had a bad take on the whole thing. He did, after all invite me to have a drink with him – and his girlfriend.

I don’t think one can ever be sure about these celebrity types. They become so jaded until they don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. That guy probably lives in a world where it is normal to kiss a virtual stranger on the lips and throw affection around loosely.

What I don’t understand is my reaction to him. I mean I had no idea that he was going to kiss me. My eyes must have looked like a raccoon’s from up close. I should have punched him. That would have shown him not to mess with me.

Why didn’t I? That is the question. And how did he know about my dreams. I could feel the heat all over my face when he asked me that. He saw the blush too and even smiled, or smirked at that.

Maybe the guy really is a vampire with that pale skin and slanted eyes; a f**cking vampire who reads minds.

I left off thinking about Urs Buhler long enough to finish up my day. I had one more interview and I managed to stay on message and ask the questions that would bring the information that I hoped to get. When I finished, I got the thumbs up from the producer, a youngish heavy set woman with dreads, and headed out of the studio for the day.

The day was windy and chilly. Leaves found their way to the gutters and rested only to take off again for parts unknown. On my way to the parking garage I raised my coat collar to ward off the chill but I feel warm in spite of the weather. I recognized my excitement comes because I am going to call him back. In the parking garage I sit for a minute and think and calm down. I might as well see what he wants. It could be good for my career.

“Urs, this is Jonah Nicks, you don’t mind if I call you Urs do you? I was tied up a few minutes ago when you called. What can I do for you?”

“Do you remember that we met a couple of weeks ago in Paris? I was just following up, I’ve been out of the country and this is the first chance I’ve had to call.”

“Well, you have me now.” I laugh a bit nervously I think so I immediately stop laughing and wait to see what’s up.

“I am wondering if you’d like to maybe meet with me for a drink sometime.”

“And the purpose of meeting would be? You mentioned coming along with you and your girlfriend.”

“Or not. You and I could meet alone.”

“Look Urs, I don’t know what your game is but I don’t date men.”

“I’m not asking you to date men. I’m asking you to come out with me, just to talk, have a few drinks, I am harmless I assure you. I only want to have a conversation with you.”

In spite of his attempts to set my mind at rest, I was still suspicious. And I was wary, not because of him but because of my reaction deep down within. I could call it business, a career opportunity or anything else that I want but I know that deep down within where the truth lies, I wanted to meet with him. And have that conversation. He is attractive to me.

“Ok,” I looked at my watch. “I’m not doing anything tonight. I could meet you at ‘Stringfellow’s’.”

“The one on Saint Martin’s Lane or on Wardour? Never mind, not a good idea, too many distractions if you get my drift.”

So the women would distract him. Truth to tell they would distract me too. “There’s the Alphabet, or the Trafalgar.”

“Alphabet’s too crowded. There’ll be lots of young drunk people there. Let’s try Trafalgar.”

“You got it. Meet in an hour?”

After I rang off I went home, showered and got ready for my ‘date’ with Urs. I decided that I’d better eat a bite so I made myself a salami sandwich which I gobbled down. I was only about ten minutes late when I arrived.

I had expected to find Urs sitting in a corner at the back of the room but instead he surprised me and is sitting in one of the large red lounge chairs that form a small enclave of a conversation pit. Although I don’t know how I knew this, I could tell that he was impatient with me for making him wait, or perhaps he is annoyed just because I am late.

He stood when I approached and we shook hands. Talk about electricity. I almost snatched my hand back but managed not to indicate the thrilling shock that I felt.

We took our seats and it is a few minutes, what with ordering and all before we got a chance to talk. One thing I remember is that he asked me what I wanted to drink then stood, ready to go to the bar and get it without waiting for the waitress to approach, but I got up too. I certainly knew how to go to a bar and order my own drink.

Our eyes clash and he gives a tiny smile. I wonder if he really thinks that I am that girl.

When we settled down, Urs asks me right off “So what do you remember?”

“What do I remember about what? The other night when we met? – No? Then I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“So then, if you remember nothing, tell me about the dream or dreams.”

Man. He knew how to get to the heart things. I was not proud about it and I wasn’t going to tell him all of it but I could skirt around the edges I guess.

“I’ll tell you but first tell me how you know I’ve had dreams about – Il Divo.”

“Dreams about Il Divo, not me in particular?”

“No. Why would I dream of you?”

“Tell me. What?”


“Well let’s see. It was about the time of your fourth major album; ‘The Promise’ there was this song. Beautiful music, it began to run through my mind, in my sleep you see and it sort of haunted me. It kept repeating itself over and over even while I was awake.”

“’With you I’m born again’ Urs said flatly.

“How do you know this? Is it haunting others too?”

“You said ‘is it’ not ‘did it’, so it continues still, hasn’t stopped?

“And when you hear this melody, the melody that you can’t forget, what are you doing?” He sees that I hesitate. “Come on man, can’t you see that this is important to me?” he says.

“It might be important to you but it’s damn embarrassing to me. I have never ever had thoughts about any man and certainly not you.”

“What are we doing in the dream?”

“”Nothing. We’re doing nothing..” His eyes pierce me and I cannot lie. “We, you and I are lying on a bed that’s all.”

“So you did lie. I am involved. Are we laying there listening to music?”

“Yes.” I feel myself flushing again. I hated to lie but what guy will admit to dreaming about another guy?”

“You’re lying. That’s not all.”

“We may have kissed a time or two.”

“We did kiss. For exactly ten minutes. I dreamed it too. How do you look in your dream?”

That caught me off guard. I don’t know how I looked. I have always supposed that I looked just as I do, about five ten, dark hair, blue eyes, slender, just a regular guy. Women say I have pleasing features. They like my dimple.

Finally I answer him. My voice is low, almost a whisper. “I have to say that I don’t really know how I looked. I was dreaming it from the vantage point of my own interior self; it was not a God’s eye view where I see everything in the room.”

I turned my consciousness inward to see what I had seen and even though it is painful to tell, I force myself to relate what I saw in the dream to him. “From my view, I see your chest Urs, my head is on it, your jaw, I kiss it; your hands on my neck feel large and powerful. I would say that I am smaller than I am now.” That surprises me. I had never considered that.

Urs looked as if he’d like to cry, were he not a man sitting here with a man, so I decided to help him as much as I could.

“Yes, I am smaller, definitely. My hands are manicured; the nails are ovals I can feel my hair lying on my breasts.” ‘Oh ****! My breasts?’ “I had breasts” I marvel. “I remember because I make you take your hands away from them. ‘Ten minutes not up yet Urs.’ That’s what I said to you.” I felt fascinated horror. I could remember being a girl, if only for a minute.

“Honest, this is the first time I considered that. I’ve never been a woman. Not even when I was a kid.”

It sounded convoluted but He seemed to understand what I was trying to say.

“It’s all right Jonah. In that dream it’s your mind that was female, not your body. You are in a completely different body. Oh some of it looks the same, the eyes for instance, and the hair, even the voice to a certain degree. I’ll bet that you have a strawberry birthmark on your back. But you’re not her, not exactly. You have your own personality too, overlaid on top of her.”

What the hell was he talking about? “So what’s the scoop? How do you know this … information, what do you know that I don’t?”

And so Urs told me this strange tale that began for him last year in Paris when he dreamed of Johanna, and within that dream he dreamed of Jerusa and she became his love.

“But I am not that woman Urs. My name is Jonah Nicks and I don’t know you and even if we became friends, we could never be more than that. I like women and so do you, or so you say.”

“I am coming to realize that Jonah. You are similar to her though. I wish you could have known her. She had your cheeky ways, she was brave, she had some problems of course, we all do but she mastered them one by one. She even worked for the Waris Dirie Foundation. She wrote a script for a series of film clips to discourage FGM. I’m sorry” he mused, “you probably don’t even know what FGM is do you?”

But I had suddenly stopped listening. Of course I know what FGM is. Right now, in real time I am working on a series of films, doing interviews, setting the scenes for one of four films that were discovered hidden away at The Foundation. How weird was that?
I’m afraid I cut Urs off in mid sentence. “Would you recognize her material if you saw it?”

“Her material doesn’t exist. It was fabricated in this one very lucid dream that I had.”

“I don’t know about that I only know that The Foundation found some old story boards that had been misplaced and they resurrected them and contracted the project out to me. I am working with them now. Today I conducted my last interview before the film goes into production.”

Urs looks at me with narrowed eyes. “It makes perfect sense. Why wouldn’t she want to continue her work? You would be the perfect person to complete it since you are Jerusa.”

CHAPTER 28

(Urs)

I decided not to see Jonah again but for one last visit and that was to his office to see Jerusa’s unfinished work that he had commenced. Don’t ask me how that was possible, how he could continue work that had been a fabrication in a dream. I only knew that I had to see if it was the same material that I'd seen in my dream. I suspect that it will be.
Two evenings later, just before his consulting business was to close I dropped by at Jonah’s invitation to see what he had.

I had expected to be recognized when I walked into the office, there were lots of pretty women there and they perked up and so did I. In spite of the fact that I am weary of fans, I still get a thrill from flirting just a bit.

Jonah remarked that I was taking his best girls from him. And I said that I was taking them for only for a few minutes. He could have them back after I left his office. All that was said right before we got down to the business of looking at the various vignettes that had been developed. He had, of course, computerized them but I was interested in the originals.

In the few minutes that he was gone to pull the originals I sat and observed his office. It was sleek and modern, all glass and steel. I thought that his business looked quite prosperous. I suspected that since Jerusa had felt lacking in finances this would be an important aspect of Jonah’s life now.

I did notice that he had a thing for frogs. There were several small green ceramic bug eyed frogs; there was even one in the green plant that graced his desk. The plant had probably been placed there by one of the ladies in the office. I could see her trimming it, watering it, and making sure that it grew while Jonah plowed on, almost oblivious to it. Jerusa had owned a frog charm bracelet. She too had had a thing for cute frogs.


“See this Urs. The file had been hidden away in a desk, but it was perfectly up to date so we decided to use the material.”

I looked at it carefully. The handwriting, precise and neat across the bottom of the folder, was Jerusa’s. “It is her handwriting,” I said, and pointed to her distinctive way of crossing her T’’s.

“No Urs that is my handwriting. The author’s is inside. See?”

I could see that for the first time he was comparing the two scripts, they are identical. Perhaps his was a bit bolder and newer but in essence, even a handwriting expert would have considered them the same.

Jonah looked at me in dismay. I could clearly see that he didn't like the idea of having been a female. I turned my face away to hide my smile.

For the next half-hour I slowly pondered each frame. I felt as if I were getting into her mind. I could see her laboring over each one, tongue between her teeth as she tried to get just the idea that she wanted to convey down on paper. She was so real to me. She had existed. She and I had been together but in what time frame? Had I projected her into my current dream when she had only existed in a past that I cannot remember? I felt a sudden sadness and sense of loss. It was time for me to get out of here. I stood and thanked Jonah for taking the time.

“Urs, you look devastated. Would it help to go for a drink?”

I looked at him. When he showed concern for me he was even more like Jerusa. Somehow I felt comforted, just a bit. “I suppose I can.”

We went back to Trafalgar, they are remodeling even while they keep it open to the public. They were in transition from the old wooden tables, garish fruit machines and moody locals to low-level sofas, wooden stools, and white banquettes. They’d brought the original brickwork walls back to life with acid wash. The fire was tastefully lit; even though it was not really chilly, it provided a sense of well being and a measure of comfort.

This time instead of going to a conversation pit, I led the way to the massive wooden horseshoe bar and decided that tonight instead of my usual scotch-on-the-rocks I’d have one of their trademark weird beverages. I ordered the Grinbergen and Jonah ordered Fruli strawberry beer which is a mixture of 40% strawberry juice and 60% beer.

We sat and sipped. I morose, Jonah concerned.

We decided that dinner would be nice. I looked over the menu, which was promising. There were the traditional roasts, baked flat bread with salami and pepperoni all the way up to marinated ginger duck with roasted sweet potatoes and spinach.

The food did not live up to the promise. It reached us slightly chilly and overly cooked.

But, having sipped my drink and eaten my fill I was now revived. This was an old pain and I had learned to deal with it.

“I’ve been thinking Urs. There’s no reason why we can’t be friends.”


“Friends … as in what?”

“We could get to know each other better, find out what each of us likes to do, perhaps go out together.”

“You forget that I already know you. You are my Jerusa with testosterone. Not quite as biddable and a lot more contentious but basically the same.”

“Well I don’t know you. I think that you would make a great friend. We could double date.”

“Grown men don’t double date. Why would I want to do that?”

“Look. I’m just trying to be nice. You seem so sad, I thought that since you – since I remind you of her, you might like to be around me a bit that’s all.”


The fight went out of me. It might work. Perhaps these feelings that I have for him will go away if we are around each other more. “Ok. We’ll double date. Do you have a girlfriend?”

“Yes. I have several.” Jonah told me.

“If you have several, then you have none. I’ve been invited to the premiere of a movie next week. Call one of your sweethearts and we’ll make a to-do of it. How’s that?”

“Will the other Divo’s be there?”

“Yes. But we won’t have to be together. We won’t be on duty that night. I’ll rent a limo. Come to my place and we’ll pick the females up.”

A week later Jonah showed up at my place, I’d trusted him with the address. He was surprised to find that even though we met in Paris, we both live in London.


He looked smart in his tux. He’s not very large but he is quite handsome I think. We picked up the ladies and ended up going out to dinner first, this time to an upscale restaurant.

We started with an appetizer of yellow and orange tomato soup served in a martini glass with Kahlua-pork finger sandwiches, then moved on to olive-oil-poached strip loin, coated with just the right veneer of black-bean-and garlic foie-gras puree. A whole-vine ripened tomato salad topped it off.

Throughout the dinner the women were getting to know each other. Monica, who once more is my date, was grilling Anita, Jonah’s date about fashion designers. They were kicking back and forth their favorite and less favorite; each seemed bent on outdoing the other and neither was winning.

After dinner we piled back into the limo and were off to the premiere. The movie was less than stellar but it was acceptable. I am not a big movie buff. I much prefer to be active in my leisure time. But the women and Jonah enjoyed it. They also enjoyed pointing out the various movie stars that were dressed to the nines too. We had several drinks and then it was time to go home.

After a few drinks Monica was a changed woman. This night she decided to play grab ass with me and we were laughing away, I trying to fend her off and she coming on like zero to sixty. I just happened to look up {I was a bit drunk too you must realize} and if looks could kill, Jonah would be a murderer. It had a singularly dampening effect on my libido. His Jerusa-like eyes bore into mine.

I realized that he was quite angry, and I thought his anger was directed towards me. ‘What have I done now?’

I didn’t say a word. I got the feeling that this Jerusa with testosterone just might physically fight me. Not that I am afraid of that but… while men do not fight women, it would be an entirely different story if he came at me. Like him or not, I will not take a beating like a little kid. And, he has absolutely nothing to be angry about!



He is the one that suggested that we go out together. He suggested that we take dates, didn’t he? And to what purpose; so that he could become angry if I touch mine?

I said nothing more. I directed the limo driver to take me to my place first where Monica and I got out and left those two to go wherever they would.

Monica and I spent the night together and the next morning she got a cab home and I rolled over and went back to sleep. This is what we’ve done for years with no strings.

In the back of my mind I was coming to realize that David was right when he told me this is crazy. Once I was fully awake, I made myself a cup of coffee and called Dave. Perhaps he’d have some good advice for me; I seemed to be in need of it.

Later on that day David came by and he wanted to play a computer game. I wanted to talk.

We ended up sitting there flicking our wrists and ducking our heads as we played and talked.

“And you say that that guy Jonah wants to be your friend?”

“We didn’t hit it off. But yes. He is Jerusa but he is also a ‘he’ which means that he - I don’t know, it’s just different.”

“Of course it’s different. Men are a lot different from women. I mean a lot.”

“I can see that. But so many things are the same. The sound of his voice; the way he looks, even the handwriting. It’s all the same David. And he likes women as do I, but I think he likes me too. He was so angry with me last night for being affectionate with Monica, even after he suggested that he and I be just friends. I don’t think he can be my friend. He is too covetous of me. He watched me like a hawk. “

“Can you be his friend? Do you even want to be his friend?”

“Frankly no. I have you three guys, I have my brother. I have lots of male friends; I don’t need any more especially not jealous ones. Yet I’ve looked for so long, I hate to just let him drift out of my life. Does that make any sense to you at all David?”

“Unfortunately it makes a lot of sense. But still, I wouldn’t try to go out with him and women too if I were you. Any relationship takes time. Take your time, if you just… I mean don’t do anything – you know what I mean. Just go out for a drink or maybe go for a run together and see how it goes.”

“I hadn’t thought past that anyway. Not to the… you know; the love part.”

“Yeah. That’s good. It would be too bad if you ruined your reputation for nothing then found out that you’re not gay and still everybody thinks that you are.”

This time I didn’t protest by saying that I’m not gay. I don’t know what I am. This is all new to me.

But I did take David’s advice about giving the relationship time to develop. After a few days when Jonah called me, I guess he had had enough time to get over his anger, I didn’t ask about it and he didn’t mention it either.

“So Urs, what have you been doing?”

“We need to talk. Come by after work.” I disliked being high handed with Jonah but I have a temper too. Even though I didn’t mention his treatment of the other night, I still was teed off. It was wrong of him to give me looks that could kill and then try to play it off as if nothing has changed. Tonight he is going to tell me if he wants something more than casual friendship or nothing. After his display of jealousy I know that there can be no in between.

CHAPTER 29

To keep myself busy I decided to make dinner while I waited for Jonah. Besides, the chopping and banging was therapeutic. As I worked I reflected that there are a few perks that come with being in a relationship with a man. He is just as self assertive as I. I don’t have to worry about running across town to pick him up or bring him home if it’s late at night. Not much of a benefit but let’s face it, at this point in my life I needed to remind myself why I was putting myself through all of this drama.

The inviting aroma of the food stopped him cold when he walked in.

“What’s that?”

“The cook comes weekly. I make do towards the end of the week. You didn’t know that I’m a passable cook did you?”

“Did you make enough for me?”

I had made some really hearty soup and a salad chocked full of goodies; that along with bread from the corner market kept us eating for the next half hour. For drinks I had beer, water, tea and SoBe, a fruit juice blend which I now drink occasionally and coincidentally had been Jerusa’s favorite.

Jonah looked in my fridge and pulled out a SoBe.

Later he lounged on my sofa and I on the floor, on a bean bag that’s old but I can’t bring myself to part with, and we drank wine.

I knew that he would be less reserved after a few drinks, so my goal was to give him time to get a buzz and then, perhaps we could talk some sense.

I began the conversation by being direct and asking what was on my mind. “Tell me what you’re thinking Jonah. I want to know why you were angry with me the other night.”

Jonah was equally direct. “I’m still angry with you damn it! That Monica is a piece of ****. You deserve better than that.”

“Monica’s all right. We go way back. I’ve known her for a long time.”

“Still, that doesn’t make her a nice person.”

“What do you care whether she is a nice person or not? You don’t have to deal with her. Leave her to me.”

“I’m just saying. I think it was rude of you to make love to her in front of us.”

“I’ve been known to be rude but not that night. We didn’t make love; not in front of you and your girl anyway.”

“See, I knew that you did; after, I mean. I want you to leave her alone.”


“You want me to leave her alone because you think she’s - “

“It’s not about her. It’s about you. I want you to leave her alone because I want you too, that’s all.”

“But why?”

“I don’t know why. I just know that I do.”

We talked at cross purposes for a few more minutes; it really was the fault of one little word. He said, ‘I want you too’. And I heard ‘I want you to’.

But I finally got it. He was saying that I should leave Monica; just drop her. Then, right after that pronouncement, he extended his request, no his demand, to all women. Just stop seeing them all he told me.

And with that requirement our relationship became a very different proposition.

It was one condition that I didn’t even want to address from his side; in other words, I could have said, ‘what about you?’ or ‘perhaps I will if you will’. I was still dealing with my side of the fence. I would have to be really weird to give up women. That would mean that I really am gay. That restriction was not even a consideration.

So I promised him nothing. Not even when he tried to explain. And his explanation was classic Jerusa 101.

“You should have known that it would hurt me to see you interested in her. You probably did it deliberately just to make me tell you to leave her alone.”

I was amazed. He credits me with so much more cunning than I actually have. “If you remember correctly Jonah, you were the one who said, ‘I think that you would make a great friend. We could double date’. And then you went and turned on me and wanted to kick my ass just because I tried to be what you wanted, a friend.”

“I’m confused ok? Are you too perfect to understand uncertainty? I think one thing about you and then something else comes up that I recognize are my real thoughts. Do you want me to apologize to you for being confused about my emotions and be on my way?”

“You’re drunk. There’s a second bedroom. Sleep it off. We’ll talk more when you’re sober.”

Sometime during the night he left. When I woke up the next morning, the bed was neatly made, his Jerusa self knows that I like neat, and there was no trace of him.

Later when David came over we started up our never ending conversation.

“What I don’t understand David, is why must I change my concept of who I am at my age? I have always been a heterosexual man, and now you are trying to tell me that I am bisexual. It just doesn’t make sense. I have not had a relationship with Jonah, voila, nothing has changed.”

David fancied himself a junior philosopher. “But things have changed Urs. Life is about potential. You have not acted on these new impulses but that does not mean that they are not there. The very second that those impulses appeared, that is when the definition of who you are changed.”

“So you are saying that every person on earth, if they have had thoughts about their same sex, is gay, or if they’ve had thoughts about both sexes is bi?”

“Not just thoughts, it has to be you know; thoughts of a certain kind.”

“About sex.”

“Not just sex. Not even sex. It can be thoughts of admiration.”

“Just say for instance if I admire Carlos’s hair, then I’m a bisexual?”

“Not necessarily. If you admire it with envy, let’s say that you wish you had hair like his, that’s not the kind of admiration that I’m talking about. But, if you like his hair, and like the thought touching his curl or of you running your fingers through it because it is so lovely then, that’s suspect.”

“But I have never had those thoughts. I’ve had no thoughts at all except about Jonah and that is only because _”

“I know, because he used to be Jerusa … in your mind. But Urs, can you not see that he is no longer a she. He is a he and he will always be a he and that is what makes you bisexual, you are falling in love with a ‘he’.”

He took my laptop and went to a site. “Look at this. I found it last night. It’s something called the Heterosexual-Homosexual Scale, it is used to evaluate sexual preferences.



“All of the people in the world are on a continuum. We like order and predictability so we like to look at it as if we are all the same but we aren’t. Not even us heterosexuals.”

“See you’re doing it. You’re being superior. ‘Even we heterosexuals’ and that my buddy includes me too.”

“Whatever. Now, look. The scale is from zero to six. Zero is reserved for anyone who is completely heterosexual. They’ve never had any conflicting desires, never even given the thought of intimacy with their own sex any thought.

“Number one is predominantly heterosexual which means that they are incidentally homosexual. That’s probably you Urs. You wouldn’t but you might just with this one person.

“Number two is predominantly heterosexual but with some homosexual history. These folk would probably self label themselves as adventuresome.

“Number three is equally heterosexual and homosexual. These folk are the people that if one of them reaches down the front of your pants, they’re not disappointed no matter what they find.”

David thought this was funny. Me, I was not laughing today. This was not funny. He continued.

“Four is predominantly homosexual but with some heterosexual history for instance when they are young and fighting the truth.

“Five is predominantly homosexual.

“Six is entirely homosexual.

"So according you the scale, you’re a zero and I’m a one? That’s not too bad is it?”

“None of it is bad. It is just what is. Most people fall into broad gradations of bisexuality and only a minority of the population are defined as purely heterosexual or homosexual. And I think I’m probably a one like you if you want the truth. Haven’t acted on anything but still, the thoughts have been there.”

“And so, if Jonah and I move towards a relationship does that jump me from a one to a three, one of those who are equally … I mean anything goes?”

“I don’t think so. I mean, bisexuals are like anybody else. They have their preferences; it’ll just mean that your preference is one person who happens to be Jonah. It’s like this Urs. A pure hetero might like women who are both blond and brunette. But if I fall in love with a blond, that doesn’t mean that I feel deprived if I don’t have a brunette in my life too. We just love who we love.”

“He has asked me to leave all women alone. But he’s just like me. He prefers women. What if he decides that women are what he really wants?”

“It’s not like heterosexuals don’t change their minds Urs. This year you are madly in love with one person and a year later it is someone else. It’s just a preference. If he loves you, it won’t make a damn bit of difference what’s out there. A person’s character is the same no matter their sexual preference. Being bi or gay doesn’t make you a liar and it won’t make you tell the truth. It’s all about how honest he will be with you. I don’t think there are any guarantees, man.”

“But you must admit, if and this remains a big big if, if we are seen together in public, or if we move in together, it’s not easy to go back. If I let the world know that I love him, and he decided that he wants a woman, then I am left stranded. I don’t think I will want another man, not ever, and any woman that I might want will be suspicious of me.”

“But it can be done. Think about David Bowie, at one time he publically professed himself to be bisexual but he later retracted it and now he has a wife. Everyone has to control themselves to stay in a relationship. I can’t just jump in bed with every woman that appeals to me. My wife would leave me. It is the same for bisexuals, they just commit to the one person that they love and that person has to trust. It’s no different.”

Somehow his words were soothing to me. Then another thought entered my head.

“What do you think the organization will say? Be honest with me David.”

“I think you should keep a low profile. You’ve never been out there; you’ve always kept your business to yourself. Of course, Seb and Carlos might not understand; neither will the majority of our fans, especially not your own personal fans. I think you might consider that if word gets out you’ll have to retire.

“But on the other hand, think of how you’ve been for a long time now, always looking for her, having us look for her, worrying yourself to death over her, they might understand that. I know that Seb and Carlos will. They might not like it but they would understand. We all would be glad to see you to happy.”

“Jonah’s defensive and difficult David. I don’t know if I would be happy or not.”

“From what you’ve told me about Jerusa, she was difficult too. The health problems, the insecurity but yet you were willing to deal with them in order to be with her weren’t you?”

“Yes, but she had other attributes.” I managed to smile at that thought even though my head is swimming with indecision.

I decided to wait; after all, I do have time.

On Wednesday I called Jonah to see if he wanted to go rock climbing after he got off from work. I decided that if we were going to even consider becoming a couple, he’d better get to know the real me. Bars and drinking are ok occasionally, but I am not that fond of them. I much prefer the outdoor life.

This rock climbing is not outdoor though, it’s just a wall at the gym. Still we had fun. Not one time did any conversation about women, or insecurities or even ‘us’ come up. We just enjoyed the evening.

A few days later we went for a bike ride. I remember teaching Jerusa how to ride pillion. She was pretty good and quite brave until she found that the vibrations triggered her PGAD. Jonah rides his bike as aggressively as I ride mine which is how it should be. I would not want him to act like a woman. That would be too much for me to handle.

We rode far and wide. We even took an overnight trip or two. We always take separate rooms and treat each other like brothers. I understand and think Jonah does too that this is a trial period for us. Can we get along? Do we even want to?

I felt reassured by the fact that this is not predominantly about sex because if that was all it was, we would have had it by now and probably have gone our separate ways.

At just about the three month marker of our association we decided that we would pursue a relationship. But how would it work?

CHAPTER 30

(Jonah)

Urs is such a cautious person. He attributes this to his Swiss upbringing. I think it is just his nature, and he’d be like this no matter where he grew up.

But I understand. Me, I don’t have much to lose. I haven’t been in the UK that long. No one knows me except a few contractors and the folk in the office. I would have the freedom of melting back into the great heterosexual default position if this did not work out.

Urs would have a more difficult time of it. He loves singing. He especially loves the idea of Il Divo, introducing, flirting around the edges of the opera in order to bring the masses closer to enjoyment of the ‘Nessum dorma like’ tunes that mark true opera.


Personally, I much prefer Il Divo. It has grown on me since I have come to love one of its singers.

It was a gradual thing in one sense. I mean, I knew it at the onset, when I first looked into his eyes, when our hands touched and when he kissed me. But I resisted. I had not the memory of me that he has.

Yes, I have come to believe that there is such a thing as reincarnation and that I am a victim. But looking at it in another way, not as a victim, then I am the benefactor of it. It was just too much of a coincidence, from the physical markings to the emotional baggage to the very personality that I possess. All of these things Urs could predict. Urs had experienced it all, but in Jerusa.

He told me that if I were to take away my male hormones, I’d be Jerusa. I sometimes wonder if he wishes I’d undergo a sex change. I think he knows that I’d never do that, and I don’t think he’d ask it of me.


We both are fully aware that the brain is about 95% of one’s sexuality. I could cut off my ****, take estrogen, allow my hair to grow and I’d still be a man.

I am not one of those folk who, from the time they were little tykes felt as if they were in the wrong body. I am comfortable in my body, I even rather like it. And even more important, I love looking at women’s breasts and other of their parts too if the truth be told. But I have absolutely no desire to have tits for myself. Why, I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea of what to do with them and they’d get in the way when I worked out. I can’t imagine running with something bouncing on my chest. I think I’d better stop thinking about breasts, I’m making myself excited.

Back to Urs. I know that he is conflicted. He hasn’t called me for a while but that’s ok. He’s making up his mind about us. We’ve been out together a lot. His second bedroom has become like home to me.

The last time I was over Monica showed up early that morning before I had rolled out. Urs had been home and he had ushered her in cordially and I could hear them talking through the walls. My door was closed, she had no idea that I was there. I really had to restrain myself from just walking into the room, nude you know, just to show her the handwriting on the wall but I didn’t. I stayed in bed and even managed to fall back to sleep.

If that bed of his had begun to squeak, I really didn’t want to know.

He talked about trust. He said that David, his straight friend has said that any relationship, no matter between who, must be based on trust. Urs has said that he and Monica are through with each other in a sexual way and I have to believe that. Just as he believed me, I think, when I told him that all of my numerous girlfriends are now just that, friends.

Anyway, I only dozed for about ten minutes when Urs tapped on my door and said, “You can come out, she’s gone.”

I didn’t even have to ask what she wanted, he told me freely. She had left something here on the last night she was here, after the premiere and she picked it up.

I can’t believe that there is no game playing, no one-up-mans ship. I regret that I have been such a game player with the women. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Just because one can pull the wool over a person’s eyes doesn’t mean that they should.

This I have learned from Urs. He is a man of integrity. I vow that will try to be that also.

I am so in love with him. I cannot believe the depth of my love. At first, I had no memory but I believe that some things are known unconsciously. I have unconscious memory of him. He has told me both of Ulrich and Johanna and of he and Jerusa and I believe him.

A couple of weeks ago out of the blue I mentioned that I should buy one of those little stripped huts so that we could sunbathe.

“What stripped hut Jonah?”

“You know, the one at the beach, over in Germany. The nude beach.”

“I didn’t know you had been there.”

“I haven’t but I remember it. You were there with her. I dreamed about it last night. We were running to the water. She pulled on your towel and tried to trip you.”

“How did you know it was Germany? Dreams don’t usually announce their location you know.”

“This one did. There was a sign when we walked along the road, after we got off the train.”

Urs had been shaving and watching himself intently in the bathroom mirror. He had cut his eyes over at me and had given me one of his dimpled smiles. I remember I stayed there at the door and watched him looking at himself. Once more he was in nothing but a towel and my first thought was to yank it away but … had I been a woman I would have but before I can do that, we will have to reach an understanding. That is just the way it is.

David came by. He likes Urs. His fondness for Urs is obvious. I’m not so sure that he likes me but he is cordial enough. I don’t think he knows quite what to make of me. He can’t decide whether to act normal or if he should make some changes in his approach to me. Even though we are not far apart in age he is still a big kid. Still, we were both born in the states and I am sure that we can find something in common.

He and I played chess while Urs strummed his guitar. David’s a smart one but I’m just as smart. It was a good game. Then we decided to play a video game, David and I while Urs ordered Chinese in. After we reinforced ourselves with food the fight was on with all of the usual wolfing that guys, especially American’s can do. It was loud and brutal and we loved it. We were prepared to continue but after a beer or two Urs threw both of us out. He said that he needed to be alone.

Now, I haven’t heard from him in awhile.

Whenever my phone rang my heart jumped. So far all of the calls have been routine.

I decided to push the envelope.

My sister loves Il Divo. She even has a crush on Urs. I decided to invite her over from the states to attend a concert with me. My reasoning was simple. Since Urs won’t call me or see me, I’ll have to go to see him. I think I will be able to tell what he’s thinking by the way he reacts when he sees me in the audience. Of course, that depends upon getting up-front seats.

Il Divo will be appearing at the Zenith concert hall in Paris so I pulled a few strings to get some overpriced tickets and called my sister and told her to head this way.

Can you imagine that I am a bit jealous of my own sister? She looks a lot like me in fact I suspect that she looks like Jerusa too. If this is so, what will keep my Urs from thinking that he has found his Jerusa in my sister?

So on that night a few evenings later we traveled to Paris by tube, got a cab to the venue and before we knew it we are sitting down in a very good spot.

I had told my sister as much as I could safely reveal about my relationship with Urs Buhler. She knew that we had met. She thinks that it is in relation to the Dirie project and she wondered if she would get to meet him. I tried to lower her expectations by telling her that there is no reason that the man would in any way acknowledge me since we are merely casual business partners, but still, she was hopeful and quite frankly, so was I.

When the Divo four appeared on stage, Urs acknowledged me by nodding in my direction and that sent my sister into near hysterics. She waved and flirted outrageously until I placed my hand on her shoulder to remind her that she is being a bit loud and I suspect disruptive.

Urs had no idea who she was, I’m sure he wondered why I’d brought this woman with me but he smiled throughout amused by her antics.

Before the concert ended, the usher invited us both back stage. Ah - the trip has been a success.

Backstage I introduced Urs to Rosemary and he looked at her and smiled. “You remind me very much of a girl I once knew” he said in his precise German accented English.

“I hope she was someone that you liked Mr. Buhler.”

“I was quite fond of her yes.” I could see that my sister does not have the emotional connection for Urs that Jerusa and I have. He appreciated her beauty but is no more attracted to her than he is to hundreds, thousands, of women who are around the band.

Nevertheless he took her hand and motioned for me to follow him and he introduced us to every band member and crew member who was backstage. He was all that is gracious but I could see that he looked at me with affection and I returned his smiles.

“Are you going back to the UK tonight?” he asked. He then invited my sister and me to stay over at their hotel and ride back with the band tomorrow. It didn’t take Rosemary and I long to agree that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

He called ahead and had one of the staff people reserve two more rooms and we were set.

Once we were back at the hotel Urs invited us to go down to the hospitality room and mingle a bit but my sister declined only to ask if she could speak privately with me.

Once we were alone she let loose. She was livid. Even though she is younger than I she sounded just like our mother. “What is going on with you Jonah? Do you think that I am a complete fool? It is you that he is interested in. You could have told me. I feel like an idiot for waving and throwing kisses. He couldn’t care less about that; I had no idea that he was gay. And you didn’t used to be either. What’s going on?”

I managed to withstand the onslaught until she wound down. Most of all I think she is embarrassed because of her infatuation with him.

“Look, I don‘t even understand it myself. How could I explain it to you Rosemary?”

She was still distraught, I think she’s now concerned that I will be hurt. And yes, there’s disappointment too.

My phone rang and it was Urs, wondering where I was and I slipped outside the room and told him that I was trying to take care of my sister.

“What’s wrong with her Jonah” I heard him ask.

“She has guessed that you are interested in me and she’s upset about it.”

He asked which room we were placed in and a few minutes later he was there.

We never did make it down for the after party. Instead we sat in my sister’s room and talked.

I was surprised that Urs didn’t even mention any of the dream stuff. Later he told me that it doesn’t matter, nobody who hasn’t experienced it would believe it anyway and it changes nothing. Instead he and I and Rosemary talked about life in general.

She asked him about his family, things that I should have known but have never cared to find out.

She was shocked to hear him say that what he felt for women, for his fans was not a subterfuge. “I’ve always had a woman in my life. And I’ve always loved them. This is the anomaly." And then he personalized that statement. “Loving your brother is the anomaly. But nevertheless, I know that I was so glad to see him tonight. I can’t deny it any longer.”

Rosemary had protested “But you two are making it so hard. Nobody wants to see a loved one hurt. And, that means that Jonah will never have children. I’ll never be an Aunt."

That was true and neither Urs nor I had an answer that she would accept.

The next day we returned to the UK and a day after that Rosemary headed back to the states. I think she took the attitude that I was hell bent on my own destruction but that she loved me anyway.

She promised not to tell our parents. She’ll leave that up to me… then she reconsidered and added, ‘you two’ meaning Urs and I.

After seeing her off, I ended up going home to Urs'. It was time to make some decisions.
**

CHAPTER 31

(Urs)

When Jonah showed up at my apartment I was beginning to get the feeling that this transaction that we were making was more synonymous with a business deal than a love affair. But I realized that this was probably the most prudent way to do it. I mean, since there will be no prewritten rules, no vows made, we must make our own structure.

As soon as he walked in the door this was the thought that I passed on to him right away, so that there would be no misunderstanding.

“I thought the structure would come out of our love for each other Urs,” he had said, ever the hopeless romantic.

“How many people do you know who have pledged undying love for each other but yet end up worst enemies? Besides, if we have no rules that we agree on, how will either of us know if we have broken one or not?”

“I know that Urs, it’s just that throughout this thing, you have cared more about rules than you have about sex. Are you sure about us?”

"I’m sure.” I told him. And I was, mostly. “There are many kinds of love Jonah. I would say that emotional love … ah… perhaps you would label it romantic love, is the dominant factor in our relationship.”

“But not sexual desire?”

“I’ve tried to give it time to develop. I’ve never lied to you. I desire women’s bodies but I love you. We’ll have to work it out. I think it will work, in time. Isn’t that how you feel about me?”

“Hell no. I love your body. I want to sleep with you.”

I had looked at Jonah steadily, and then I had to smile. “That’s just because Jerusa is coming through you. She liked my body too. But I can’t promise you that I will even know just how it’s done.”

“It can’t be that difficult, not if we do what feels right.”

“No, that’s not good enough for me. We need to know what we’re doing. Some things that I’ve heard about are off limits.”

“You’re crazy, you know that? Women never say ‘I’ll do this but I won’t do that.”

“They might not say it but they just won’t, they pretend they don’t understand. Besides, I’m not a woman. Women are more easily led.”

“And you’re not Urs? Is that what you are telling me, that you have to be the boss, be the one on top so to speak?”

“Maybe. So let’s get down to business. Are you going to move in with me?”

“Are you asking me to?”

“Yes.”

“One bedroom or two?”

“How about it if we start with two bedrooms with the goal of working towards one? Also we both should have a thorough health check.”

I definitely didn’t want to get myself into something that I couldn’t get out of. I had to think long and hard before even asking Jonah to move in here. But I supposed one could be too cautious. I could see that he had a question for me so I shut up so that he could get a word in.

“Why a health check? You’re not thinking that something is wrong with me are you?”

“Of course not. Still, we should be sure, not just you but me too.”

“Are we going to be monogamous?”

“Definitely; and honest about it too.”

“What does that mean Urs?”

“It means that if you slip, or even almost slip, you’ll be honest about it.” I found that I was willing to be more liberal with Jonah than I would have been with Jerusa. That was probably sexist of me but I think it is more difficult for a man.

“And you too?”

“I won’t slip. I’m very disciplined. But yes, the answer is yes.”

“What about family?”

“Family?”

“Yeah, there will be some of our family who won’t like it.”

“You can bet on it. And there’ll be friends too who won’t like it. But I guess we’ll have to stand together. We’ll protect each other. I’ll take care of mine, and you’ll take care of yours. No jokes, no insults, no jamming.”

He looked at me uncertainly and I explained. “No jamming as in getting your back against the wall – with questions. Fortunately we don’t depend upon them for a living.”

“Oh. What about kids?”

I almost dropped my tea. “You mean with a surrogate?”

“Yes that’s what I mean. I guess I had always thought that I’d have a kid or two. Don’t you want them?”

“Not really.”

“Good. Then neither do I. I had just always thought they were destined to be. What happens if we can’t get the sex piece worked out?”

“You tell me. You’re the one who gets jealous if I … we’ll make it work.”

I didn’t mention that I have a very vivid imagination. Perhaps he does too. It’s possible that we’ll be two men pretending to make love to two women.

We did a bit more talking, about finances for instance. We worked out an equitable percentage based on our relative salaries. About food, we’d keep the cook if she’d stay then take turns cooking or eat out on her days off. About chores, we’d hire a housekeeper.

At some point there comes a times when there’s nothing else to be said. We decided that we’d handle everything else as it comes up.
I found that I was feeling better than I thought I would about this. Both Jonah and I have fairly high emotional IQs. The thing that I asked myself one last time before I committed to this was what impact would I have on my partner? Could I be a real partner in this relationship? To do that would take real maturity and I knew that maturity had nothing to do with age.

Jonah agreed that tonight he would spend the night here ‘with’ me and that sealed our bargain. Even though he had been a guest in the second bedroom many times this would be his first since we completed our agreement. Tonight the rubber would meet the road.
**

We made it through our first night together. It was not my way to rehash our first experience as two men making love. But it went well if I must say so. Some things don’t take a great deal of thought. At some point the body took over and thought was no longer necessary. I found that to act and react was enough.

My overall impression was that men and women were very much alike. At least that was what I told David when he asked how it went. In my world there were some things that one shouldn’t talk about but David is a freer soul and after all, he is my friend. At first I reproached him by saying if it was my wife and I he wouldn’t ask such questions.

“Oh I most definitely would, that is if I had never been with a woman before and you had, I would ask you what it was like. Why don’t you want to tell me?”

In answer I hit him on the shoulder.

“Ouch! You don‘t have to get rough you know.”

“That’s what I am telling you. It is quite a bit rougher than with a woman. Women are soft and gentle. That guy’s got muscles and so do I. But seriously, I’m not comfortable talking about this with you but feel free to ask when you come over and Jonah is around. It’s fine with me if he confides in you.”


After Jonah and I finished our talk and worked out the deal we decided to seal it with a kiss so to speak. I’ll admit that I was nervous and so was he. So, after dinner, he went in to take a shower and I can’t stand being edgy so I went into his room, lowered the lights a bit and waited in his bed for him to come out.

It seemed to take him forever. I could hear him singing, a little off key. This was not surprising because Jerusa had no voice for song either. She had a beautiful speaking voice but nah, it was better when she didn’t sing.

Finally the water stopped and only a bit later he walked out. His step faltered a bit when he spied me lying with my arms raised, hands behind my head and nothing on but a smile.

I tried not to have a judgmental eye, to compare this body of Jonah’s with Jerusa’s and I managed to appreciate him for what he is. Slender, and toned in all the right places.


I was reminded that he said he wants me and I could see this was true because his flag pole immediately rose. Sadly mine was only at half mast. I bent my knees so that he couldn’t see this.

I was also reminded of the nature of sacrifice, that when something meant enough, the lower would give way to the higher. It had ever been true on earth; that was one of the basic rules. If one wanted to lose weight, one must eat prudently, if one wanted to be knowledgeable, one must put effort into getting an education.

While it is unfortunate that neither dieting nor studying is enjoyable I think most would say that the results are well worth it. To me, it was worth having sex with Jonah to have a romance with Jerusa. It was just that simple.

If these words don’t make sense to you it is because I failed to convey to you just how much he is like her. It is inconceivable that one can be a man, and still have all the qualities that I loved in her just a hair’s breath away. But Jonah does have those qualities. I loved her fiercely and I loved her as Jonah no less.

I knew that I was fortunate that he loved me too although he had not the memories that I possessed.

I turned out the low light and plunged the room into darkness and we lay there for a few moments, hidden and warm. At just that moment I remembered the night that Jerusa and I were in bed, both nude, our heavy bathrobes discarded. We had not yet slept together and we ended up in each other’s arms. I had been well on my way to making love with her and I had been asleep too. She had put an end to that and quickly too.

‘Oh memories.’ I sigh and reach for Jonah.

Another benefit to what we did was that because I know my body so well, I knew just how to please him. Men are much more direct and less complicated when compared to women. I knew that he wouldn’t need cajoling and awakening nor would he want sweet talk.

I slipped a condom on him and then on myself and took him into my mouth. He was wonderfully responsive. I didn’t worry about whether I was being too rough or too gentle; after all, I had brought myself to climax unfailingly for many years now and knew just the right tempo, cadence and progression.

There was no need for words, no room for talk, just muffled groans and sighs. I knew when he had had enough, there was no need to rush and spill too soon. I brought myself up and lay fully on him, our crotches melded when we ground our bodies together. With the strength of my arms I held his above his head and we kissed, softly at first but softness has no place here, at least not for long.

He forced his hands free and pulled me to him. He gripped my head and kissed me intensely and I knew that he was ready. I took him in my hands and established a steady up and down rhythm and perhaps only another minute passed and he came with a long low groan. Me, I needed nothing, I was already there.

The silence that followed was peaceful. His head was on my chest and I smoothed his hair idly. I had no thoughts of shame, or censorship. I felt rather proud. I have done something that I would have sworn I’d never do. It was quite liberating.

I felt quite positive that we would grow even better at this and go on to even greater exploits but for now, this was enough.
**

CHAPTER 32

Jonah

Last night with Urs was wonderful. He is an amazing lover. After last night, I could say that I love him even more but that would be an untruth. I could not love him more but I do appreciate the complexity of the way he has overcome his hesitancy. If I had not known of them previously, last night would not have revealed them to me.

I did not tell him but there is a bit more that I have learned about his relationship with Jerusa, I am learning more and more through snippets of voyeurism into their dream world.

I learned that the peach, yes the peach fruit was a symbol of their pledge to each other. I did not think it presumptuous of me to adopt that as our symbol too.



Early the following morning while he still slept in my bed, I went out and got a couple of perfect peaches to add to the sumptuous breakfast that I would cook.

To say that he was taken aback that I could cook and touched by the peach would be an understatement.

“Did you learn of these in your dreams Jonah?” he asked me as he affectionately caressed my cheek.

“I did. And since you say that I am Jerusa and Jonah, I thought it fitting that we keep the tradition going. For the record Urs, I have no regrets. We have yet to face the public, things might get difficult but given the same options, I would do it again.”

“That is good to know but somehow I knew that you would feel just this way. As do I. We could have chosen darkness and decided to spend our lives apart just because some would not approve but we did not. We must remember that no one – no one on earth has the right to tell us how we live our lives. They can only determine how they will live theirs.”

“I know that the world is changing Urs, but it has not completed its transformation. This honeymoon period won’t last for us. We will get folk who smile in our faces and laugh behind our backs, others will pass by in barracuda like silence of disapproval. You will have to be strong and remember why we decided to be together; that it is for us and not for them.”

I think he was reassured by my steadfastness. But he is my rock.

That weekend we attended another publicity function together, this time without women, just the two of us. I must say that we really looked good together even if those around us were not aware that we were together. We had vowed that there would be no public displays of affection, simply because there were never any for either of us before. We were both very prudent people and there was no reason to change now.

So, when we walked into the venue, eyes turned our way.

And in public places, when he wore an Armani, I too had several. And because I had bright blue eyes, I usually wore something, a shirt, or tie that showed them to good effect.

We didn’t discuss a civil union. There was no need. If I had to categorize it I would say that he was the husband. But I was definitely not the wife. We were partners but he probably had a personality that was a bit more dominant than mine. I teased him and said that is because Jerusa was so recently in my past. Urs’ past life of being female was probably a bit further away than mine.

Anyway, at the recent publicity event, Urs introduced me to everyone in the organization. To a one they were cordial. I did not worry about things that might be hidden behind their eyes or become concerned about questions that might have arisen.



Urs did his bit with the Divos and after he came and sat with me but we did not do any smiling, looking into each other’s eyes or any of those things. There was no need to invite difficulties.

He said that when he told the Il Divo Organization about the two of us they were surprised; mucho big time surprised and they requested that we keep a low profile. He thought that was ridiculous and told them so.

“Jonah, I asked them if in their estimation I had ever been a show-off?” They had replied … no ... but they then had not seen his roommate. I often wonder if they expected someone flamboyant to show up with him. I cannot help but think they were relieved when they saw me. After all, with them, it’s all about how perception affects earning potential.

We had a number of things that we planned to do. First of all we decided to purchase a home. We had our eyes on a very large three storied building not too far from the city. The thing was that I had made up my mind to make the leap and start to write, direct, and produce environmental films and other films that are done for good causes.

The plan was that we would live in the home and the third floor we would renovate into a studio for me. It would have a small office, a lounge area and an area where film could be shown and tons of storage.

Knowing that I as Jerusa wrote the script for the film that I now worked on had given me confidence to expand my skills. She was a darn good writer. I hoped that I could do even better.

The next thing that we would do was develop a community of friends. It’s true that we only needed each other but with time that would change. We would want supportive friends around us and family who wished us well.

I made a suggestion to Urs. “Why don’t we invite David, Sebastien and Carlos and their spouses over to spend the evening with us?”

He nixed this. He thought that such a move would force them to make a decision about whether they would accept us or not.

“It’s probably better Jonah if we wait. Bide our time and see how they respond and then invite probably David and Kay first and the others later. After all, although we do get along well, the basis of our association is not friendship, it is financial. Let’s not strain that relationship. As time goes on, I will get a feel for how the wind blows.”
**

CHAPTER 33

Jonah

After that night when we went out as a couple I knew that my world had changed in some fundamental way but in a way that was more difficult to define, for the change that I felt was not about finances, power or recognition. I was loved and I love. He cared enough about me to risk all.

I knew that even though the world was changing, it still had a way to go.

One of my boyhood friends from America had a conference in London that week and he called.

We had not seen each other much over the last two years since I moved to the UK. He had been busy getting his law practice off the ground. Anyway, when I received his call I got his arrival time and flight number and promised to pick him up at Heathrow.

Before I went, I told Urs about him; I said that we had literally grown up down the street from each other in the little Arkansas town of Conway and despite the fact that he is African American and I am not, we had hit it off from the first day that his father moved into the neighborhood.

Throughout elementary, junior high and high school, we were sounding boards for each other. Now, I wondered how I was going to tell Bobby Gregory that my partner is a man. I would never try to hide it. That thought never occurred to me. And if Bobby took well to Urs and our situation, I certainly would want him to stay over at least one night with us. The guy used to be like a brother to me.

“Would you mind if he stayed over?” I thought it only fair that I ask. I would want to approve any person who stayed with us and after all, Urs doesn’t know Bobby.

Urs was fine with it and so at the appointed time I headed out to Heathrow.

I should mention that Bobby was and always has been sort of a drama king. He liked to spout off about slavery and oppression and working in the cotton fields when I very well know that the closest he had come to picking cotton was taking the cotton ball out of a medicine prescription. So, I knew that any conversation that Urs and I had with him had the potential to get into a competition about civil rights vs. gay rights, once Bobby recovered from the fact that I had defected to the enemy so to speak.

He surprised me as much as I surprised him. After we said hello and went through our fist pumping ritual, we headed off to the parking lot since he had no luggage other than his carry all.

“So Bobby, how are things going with you?”

“You will be surprised that I have decided to get married. I asked Lisa to marry me and she said yes.”

“But what happened to Christine? You’ve only been with her for half of your life. What happened to the two of you?”

“Nothing happened. I just fell in love. I always liked Christine and thought I was in love but when the real thing hit me, I had to grab it. I’m hoping that you’ll be in the wedding as my best man.”

I decided that I had better come clean with Bobby before we discuss the best man bit further. After all, that invitation would be a hard thing to retract without causing hard feelings.

“Bobby, I have something to tell you my friend.” We had just reached my car and it took us a moment to get situated inside. But then I continued. “I have fallen in love too. In fact I now live with my partner.”

He slapped me on the back. “Not you, the ‘mean mis-treater’ no, you didn’t fall too did you? Who’s going to hold up the tradition? Who’s going to keep the wemmenz happy? What’s she like?”

“First of all, it’s a he not a she. He’s a singer.”

The silence spilled over and engulfed the easy camaraderie that we’d shared for most of our lives. Then because he couldn't accept what I’d just told him at face value he tried to play it off. “You had me there for a minute man, you always did like to kid around, I should have known that you were pulling my leg.”

“This time I’m not kidding.”

Bobby looked at me and I saw that he was struggling to bring his perception of me into this new reality. “But you’ve never been gay before – have you? You never showed any signs to me did you?” he said this with a sort of wonder or perhaps awe in his voice. “I mean, this is some scary ****! What happened? You just woke up one morning and over your morning cup of coffee you decided that you wanted to sleep with the garbage man, was it like that?”


I had to laugh out loud at his question. My laughter seemed to reassure him that I haven’t become some pedophile monster or something of that nature.

“Believe me Bobby, I – we – thought long and hard about it. And wonder of wonders it doesn’t extend to anybody else. Just to him. So you don’t have to worry about me coming on to you.”

“That’s a relief. I’m just kidding Jonah. I never thought that you would. You sound the same, you look the same. But man, I voted yes on Prop 8. If I had known that I actually knew somebody I probably would have done it differently. I wouldn’t want you to think that I have anything against you.”

Proposition eight is the California proposition to restrict gays from marrying. Voting yes on eight meant that Bobby thought that Urs and I shouldn’t be allowed to marry.

“It’s all right Bobby. I don’t think that Urs and I will ever go so far as to want to marry.” I then changed the subject; I asked him how he liked living in California.

After that we talked about his law practice, his family and just rehashed old times. When we reached the city I asked him if he wanted to stop by the house and meet my partner before continuing on to his hotel. “Of course, you could stay with us for the couple of days that you will be here. It will be fine with us but I’ll understand if you’d rather not.”

When I asked him if he wanted to meet Urs, the feeling of strangeness between us returned. “What about your … partner? Will he want to meet me? He doesn’t know me from Adam.”

“True but he knows that you are a friend of mine, that’s enough.”

“He won’t be jealous will he? Perhaps think that you and I have a past?”

“No. Not at all.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m positive.”

And so Bobby ended up spending two evenings and nights in our home.

He’d ride into town with me as I went in to work. He’d go on to his conference and then hang around until I got off and come home with me. On the second day Urs had to be in town for a four hour taped appearance on GMAC and he brought Bobby back with him. They spent the afternoon alone together.

They got along well. It took Bobby a bit of time to get used to Urs reserve because he doesn’t particularly engage in conversation about things that hold no interest for him but once they crossed that hurtle, things were fine.

I think Bobby was expecting a man who was less masculine especially when he heard that my partner was not only a singer but a former opera guy. And adding to this assumption was his knowledge of me. I am not at all feminine.

He was taken aback and I think pleased that this was not the case. Urs is Urs. He is strong both physically and mentally and not at all emotionally needy or dependant on anyone’s approval. On a routine basis I still was surprised that he loved me.

During Bobby’s stay with us Bob learned that Urs wasn’t particularly into video games so, when we had our championship matches, Urs would strum his guitar, heavy metal mostly although Bobby tried to get him interested in playing a blues tune or two.

While Urs played, Bobby and I and later David tried to kick each other’s butts. David was way beyond our level and although we tried to keep up, it didn’t take long for Bobby to realize that the guy was way out of our league.

Now at the poker table with Urs, it was another matter. He had the face for it. Even I, who knew him best of all could not tell whether he bluffed or not and the guy gave away no clues. He cleaned us out but not without a good bit of ‘civilized’ trash talking.

We drank beer and got a little high. When it was time to turn in Bobby let his tongue get even looser and said he had actually forgotten that we were a couple until he saw that there were three of us and only two beds. He laughed about it and said that he didn’t feel awkward at all, even though all of his life he had been real leery of gays.

I let the remark go after all, I had been wary of them too.

On his last night in London Bobby thanked us for putting him up. “I’ve saved a lot of money staying here with you guys and I’d like to take you out bar hopping but I’m afraid you’ll have to tell me where the bars are that you like to frequent”. He had offered this apologetically and his brown skin pinked a bit as he remembered some of the things that he’d said while under the influence.

“We like the same bars that you like Bobby.”


“I doubt it man. I like to look at the ladies. You know the ones that dance without the tops.”

I had looked at Urs and he smiled at me. “We like them too. We like to look at the ladies.” I clarified.

“Man you guys are freaks. Why would you, a couple of gay guys want to look at women?”

I shrugged. “I told you. We don’t like men. We only like each other, so, who else are we going to look at if not women?”

Bobby shook his head in disbelief but we headed out and ended up hanging out, eating greasy chicken wings with sauce and drinking beer and of course, watching the lovelies dance.

When Urs wandered into the back for a lap dance, Bobby and I followed and soon we were too caught up in the moment to care what the other was doing. All in all it was a fun night.

The next morning I got my friend Bobby off to the airport and promised to look him up when I came home to the states.

“You never did say if you’d be my best man did you?”

“I didn’t know if you’d still want me.”

“I do. You’re my buddy. Noting can change that and bring Urs too if you want to. He’s cool.”

After Bobby boarded I thought about the invitation and knew that neither Urs nor I would visit him together, not as a couple. He was the product of another life.

I could picture the church wedding, replete with big hats and ladies singing and praising God, many of whom would say that Urs and I had gone to the Devil. No, it would be best if we stayed away from that group, and if I went to be his best man, and on the chance that Urs went with me, we‘d go as acquaintances who happened to be in the city at the same time. I’d swear Bobby to secrecy.

That evening when I got home from work Urs was waiting. He wanted to talk to me about, as he put it, ‘something important’.

Our song ‘With You I’m Born Again’ was playing so I knew that what he had to say was serious.

I couldn’t imagine what it could be. Unless, he has decided that being with me is too much of a strain on him. After all, we have never really come out to the world. We moved in together and left it at that. I know that his band mates know, but they have never acknowledged our relationship. It has not mattered to me, but then I don’t have to be around them on a regular basis.

Neither had I told the folk in my office. I supposed I had been waiting for Urs to agree that it was time. He had so much more to lose than I so I had followed his lead on this as I do in most situations.


Now this, coming so soon after Bobby’s visit, I couldn’t help but think that Urs was not quite comfortable with this new role.

I went over an joined him on the sofa but only after I saw if he wanted a drink of tea , coffee or water. We didn’t routinely drink spirits during the week, or when we were not in the company of others.

He declined and I sat and waited to see what he had to say.

“How did you feel about last night?” His voice was so soft. I had trouble understanding his words, and once they were comprehended, I could not fathom what he was asking me.

“I thought it entertaining. It was good to get out.”

“And what about your lap dance, did you enjoy that too?”

If he was jealous, we were on the verge of having our first argument. After all, he started it. Had he not gone in the back room with the woman, I never would have. Surely he knew that.

“I didn’t do it to hurt you; after all, you seemed to be enjoying yourself too. I never thought that you were the only one free to act on your impulses.”

“Ah. So it was an impulse. Did you enjoy your impulse? Be honest with me Jonah.”

“I am always honest. That was one of the things that we agreed on. Yes. I did. I enjoyed every minute of it.” Perhaps this was said a bit belligerently.

I thought he sighed. I’m not completely sure why but suddenly I felt that this was the end for us. Why? Because I admitted that I still was attracted to women? This he already knew. I wondered if he knew that this had nothing to do with him per se. I wondered if he realized that I still love him. But last night taught me one thing about myself. I don’t know how to deal with this strange phenomenon of loving a man but still being attracted, terribly and unrelentingly attracted to women.
**

Chapter 34

Urs

“I suppose it is not surprising that there’d still be an attraction to women. After all, we’ve made an enormous change in lifestyle. It is only reasonable that we should have brought remnants of the old life into this one. The question is, what are we going to do about it?”

“We? Is it you too?” Jonah asks me.

“Hell yes. I long for a woman” I tell Jonah. “I dream about her softness, of sinking into her heat. I miss it soooo much.”

“I have dreams too. Perhaps they will go away. If they don’t Urs, what are we going to do?”

“What can we do?” I find that I want Jonah to suggest options for us. I know in my mind what I am hoping for, that we can back away from this intimate relationship in a way that he will not be hurt or have no feelings of rejection. I am not surprised when he answers me in the simplest way possible.

“We could buy each other a treat; a night with a woman. If we are both above board with it, it’s not like we’re cheating.”

I can’t help but smile at his naive suggestion. I need a woman in so many ways that I can’t remember them. I didn’t know how much I did have these needs until I no longer satisfied them.

A woman has a mothering quality about her; at least many of them do above and beyond the sex. She also has a softness that I crave. A certain way of thinking that men don’t ordinarily do but will do willingly once a woman brings him around to her way of thinking.

Somehow I can’t help thinking that Jonah and I have been hoisted on our own petard. We were attracted to each other and before determining if this was for always, or temporary, we acted on it.

I know that this is mainly my fault. Had I not approached him, he would have stayed in his own world, married and had a passel of children but no, I had to awaken him to the fact that he could love, that he could love me. And now, I must determine how deeply that love goes.

“We can. Yes, if you are being honest with me and you will not be jealous or hurt, let’s do it. This evening perhaps?”

“And after? We’ll talk again?”

“Yes. We’ll talk and decide where we want to go with this.”

Finding willing women wasn’t hard if one had the money. And we have it.
**

After Jonah and I decided that we would delight in women once more, I engaged Jonah in conversation trying to determine there was no rancor on his side at the decision we had made. I also worked hard to convince him that I felt the same way.

I am a man who deals primarily with life through introspection, I don’t think what we did introducing sex into our relationship was wrong for us but I felt the need to condense what the last six months with Jonah had taught me.

I came to the conclusion that love and sex are two very different emotional connections and that while they could co-exist independent one of the other, the pairing of them both enhanced the relationship so much more.

I tried to imagine how I would feel about Jonah and how Jonah would feel about me when we brought casual sexual relationships with women into the mix. I suspected that our feelings for each other would not be affected.

And either because the subject was on my mind or perhaps in reinforcement to my thoughts that the universe controlled my fate, that very night I had another prophetic dream. I dreamed of a woman, her face was in no way clear but she had red gold hair of an unusual color, and her eyes were a bright light golden brown. She was about as far from Jerusa in looks as she could get.

Where Jerusa had been a tall and willowy brunette with bright blue eyes, this woman was shorter and quite curvy, starting with a substantial rack, uh, breasts, and nice hips.

She had been striking enough that I remembered her clearly even though unlike the sustained dream that I had with Jerusa, when I had not realized that I was dreaming, throughout, I was conscious that I was in the middle of the dream.

The strawberry blond woman had popped into the picture showing me a cute smile that contained a goodly amount of teasing qualities. Her lightness invaded my sober side, her humor overrode my seriousness.

There was no memory of specifics just a recollection that I was very attracted to her and the inner knowing that we’d meet when the time was right.

And so, secure in the knowledge that she was out there and fate would bring us together if it was meant to be, Jonah and I began our treks to a local brothel, just killing time and easing the ache in the way that only a woman could.

The new woman that I dreamed about and I were to meet sooner than I knew.

As we did most of the time, on this particular night Jonah and I traveled separately, each to his own favorite haunt. Once there, I did what any starving person would do, I sought out the diversion of choice. When I saw her, my heart sank.

I had suspected that I was being driven forward by fate now I knew it. The woman whose time I had chosen to buy was the woman of my latest dream. It was all there. At least in as much detail as could be determined from an ordinary, non-lucid dream. The eyes were the same with their almost whiskey-like color. And who could forget that red-gold hair?

Now face to face I could see more of the details that had eluded me in the dream.

She was a short, slender pixie-like woman whose eyes had not yet hardened with avarice. Tonight, unlike the teasing humor her eyes had shown in my dream, they were showing impatience with me at the way that I stood there in indecision. After all she was a working girl and her time was valuable.

Why would fate do this to me? Why would it send me a woman of the evening? What life lesson was I to learn from this woman?



From Johanna I learned to be protective, from Jerusa I learned forbearance, and from Jonah that romantic love surpassed physical form.

I could only learn humiliation by bringing this woman into my life.

NO! I cannot bear this’ I silently railed at the universe.

But I had learned an even greater lesson and that was that the more one runs away, the harder the lesson becomes the next time it is presented.

I dared not refuse.

And so feeling that I really had no choice, that I was akin to the man who fled India to escape death and found that death was waiting for him in LA, I chose to lay with her. Perhaps I was wrong and she was not my dream woman. After all, she resembled my lady of the dream, but she was not exactly the same woman.

This female, Robin, as she identified herself was coolly businesslike, having no idea that perhaps we were fated to come together in life.

And even though I smiled and tried to make friends first, she remained professional and was not about to allow me to see even a glimmer of her real self.

It started as a simple transaction, she, inquiring as to what I preferred and I, indicating that I sought relief, and needed nothing exotic.

She provided house condoms, saying only that hers had been checked. Too many customers were interested in passing on aids in their hatred for working girls.

That business taken care of we were ready. I pulled her into my arms and kissed her. She was soft and sweet and smelled faintly of soap and vanilla, a favorite of mine.

It took a bit of time but with care and concerted attention, I was able to show her, with my actions and not words that I was prepared to stay with her until she was satisfied too. “Believe me Robin” I said to her, "my pleasure will be magnified so much if you enjoy what we are doing too.”

And so finally, she returned my kisses with spontaneity and an artlessness that she confided that she had not known in years, in fact, had not shown since before she came into this business.

When I finally mounted her she was as wet and ready as any woman had ever been with me and I praised her, calling her precious and rare. At that moment I meant every word of it. I was very grateful for her attentions, it had been so long.

We parted in sympathy with each other. She even invited me back soon and I felt that she was sincere. I neither accepted nor did I decline.

If it was meant to be, I would not be able to avoid her.

Jonah was home when I returned and I walked in, a bit apprehensively, wondering how Jonah’s experiences had gone and if he was sorry that we had decided to take the route of going back to females.

We had said that we would try it and then talk, presumably as to where we wanted to go from here.

I did not go over and kiss Jonah as it had become my habit to do. Instead, I eyed him gingerly trying to read his expression as to what he was feeling.

“Well Urs, are you hetero again?” Jonah asked his voice held no rancor.


“I am only if you are too. Just because I love sex with women doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. You know that.”

“I feel the same way about you. I’ve been thinking. It might be nice to have a girlfriend again.”

“Really? You mean a steady, constant, perhaps live-in girlfriend?”

“Yes. But I won’t, not if it means I can’t have you.”

I laughed at his ‘I want it all’ attitude.

Me, I suppose I feel just as I would if had he been Jerusa. I think the thing that kept me absolutely faithful to her was the knowledge that if I took up with another woman it would hurt her and she would leave me. I was never faithful to her just because I find it impossible to sleep with other women. A man can always do that if he wants to and still be very much in love with his love.


“Perhaps there is no alternative but to have it one way or the other Jonah. We can hardly have girlfriends and then cheat on them with each other. That is too kinky for me. If we decide to go that route, find girlfriends I mean, you and I can’t ever play again. It would be so unfair to the women.

“In fact, if you are serious, really serious and if I do move ahead and get a woman of my own, I will certainly tell her about our relationship. ”

“You’ll never get one then. Will you insist that I tell mine too?”

“You are an adult Jonah. You have to follow your own conscience, but I daresay if you do not tell her, you and I will have to remove ourselves from each other’s company. I was hoping that we could remain in each other’s lives. I don’t want to lose you.”

“Oh, well, losing you is not an option for me either. Any woman that comes into my life will have to understand that I love you.”


As always, I was touched with Jonah’s declaration. But I also knew that love comes in many forms. I feel a need to clarify how he sees us going on. “Like a brother.”

“No, not like a brother but rather like something else different, something that I can’t characterize. Perhaps like a lover with whom I’ll give my word that I’ll never make love. You never were too keen on that part of our relationship were you Urs? I always felt like it was expected of us and we did it, but it was never anything that you were comfortable with – admit it.”

“I’ll admit no such thing. But I will say this. Once we made a clean breast of it and confessed that anal sex was not something that we were willing to engage in, it became like a couple just starting out when all-the-way-sex was not a part of their repertoire. Like fooling around really, there must be a name for it but it escapes me now. There was nothing to sink into. Only a woman can supply that particular kind of relief."

“So do we have to move apart?”

I sensed that Jonah didn’t want that. In spite of his façade of cheerfulness, he sounded bereft. “God I hope not. We’ll need to find women who understand our unique situation.”

“And how do we do that? Where do we look?” He sounded doubtful that this would work.

“I have learned in my dream with Jerusa that one has to surrender to the plans that the universe has. We need do nothing. If it is meant to be, the door will open and she will walk in.”

“She’ll walk in for you, what about me?”

“It’s the same for you. You only have to let it happen. That is the true nature of faith that no matter what comes, even if it is unpleasant, it will be to your benefit.”

And so we continued our treks to the clubs. The next time, only a week later we went to “The Viper” together. I thought I would like to visit Robin again and Jonah was game to meet some of the club’s first class beauties.

This time before seeking intimate company, we lingered in the lounge. We sat at a small table and ordered drinks brought by a striking waitress.

When we looked at her in appreciation she responded with a smile. As we looked around, I could see that all of the women here were extraordinarily attractive.

My attention was captured by a group of dancers, a branch of the ‘Pussy-Cat dancers” all young, in their early twenties, all quite energetic and frenetic even.

Jonah and I exchanged a look, not our cup of tea exactly but, still, entertaining enough that we stayed around and watched.

A short intermission later we were still there to witness an old-fashioned stripper enter the stage with all of the mystery and allure of days gone by.

Both of us sat up straighter. I was captivated because it was she! It was the woman of my dream. Jonah watched too because she was so appealing. And here we sat practically drooling while she went through her routine.

End of Part Two

Chapter 35

The Stripper

I, Gay River Hudson have never had trouble forming an opinion and while I carried out the intricacies of my routine, I couldn’t help notice and have some definite ideas about the two handsome men sitting together in the semi darkness of the lounge.

I thought they sought the anonymity of the dim lighting, they stayed far away from the stage, and they made none of the overt moves that to me had come to mean they’d be difficult to handle later on. I thought they were unused to patronizing establishments such as this. They were certainly not our regulars.

And still, in spite of their expensive suits, handsome faces and masculine looks, I was getting the impression that they were a couple. If they were, what a waste! It’s not so much that they were doing anything evident. Most wouldn’t notice it but in some ways my intuition is strong. I could almost feel the vibes that passed back and forth between those two.

But no, perhaps I was wrong. Even though my intuition is usually good, I have been known to be mistaken. The one with the more robust body had just made an inquiry and I would bet my boobs that he had just asked about buying some private time with me for the evening.

For the thousandth time I was glad that the dancers were off limits. It’s not that I wouldn’t have enjoyed an evening with him, but it could go nowhere, so why should have I allowed myself to be used?

It seemed that the two gentlemen were unaware of how this particular establishment worked. The waitresses and the dancers were strictly off limits. Just because working girls were on the premises, it did not mean that everyone here could be bought.

What most of the gentlemen didn’t know was that each female who worked in this club chose her own position and the accompanying salary that it brought. The waitresses made the lowest, the dancers the intermediate and those who chose to sell their bodies made more; it was only fair that they could earn more since their work was the most difficult, dangerous and unpleasant.

I could tell when the men learned that I was not for sale. I thought that after they were made aware of that, they would move on to the back and choose one with whom they could buy time. Instead they stayed.

I finished my number and then went into the back to get out of this costume and into a dress.

Once backstage I ran into my sister Robin, who does choose to sleep with the customers. Robin was taking a break and during a spare moment she had peeped out into the club to see if she had any prospects out there.


“Ah Gay, things are looking up tonight.” She had seen that one of her patrons, one that she had particularly enjoyed before was in the house. By Robin’s description of him, I had no trouble coming to the conclusion that Robin’s lover and the guy that I called “Mr. Shoulders”, the one who had watched me dance, were one and the same.

I had no worries about telling my sister that he had been interested in me too. That was just the way it was. The women of the club were used to having a guy choose her one evening and then on the next evening he’d choose another girl. That was just the way men were and the way the business worked.

“There are two of them Rob, both handsome, and they both watched me dance and now they are in shooting craps, I think they both offered for me but you know Harry set them straight. It’ll be up to you now. Good luck because they look prosperous.”

“Yes. When he was here last, he left a sizable tip.”

When I reentered the public section of the club I saw both men over at the craps table and I wandered over. I was curious to see if they would start up a conversation with me now that they knew talk was all they would get of me.

It took only a few seconds for them to notice that I was back. The slender one was shooting his dice and he pulled me to him with just the power of his eyes which were very blue, even in the dimness, and quite expressive. He then reached out the hand that held his die and asked me politely to blow on it for luck, which I did. He then held that same hand out to the one with the broad shoulders for him to blow on them too but that guy gave him a wry look and refused.

I laughed and both men laughed with me. I wondered briefly if they shared a private joke that the two of them were in on but of which I am unaware. I suspected that they did.

I watched for a few moments until Mr. Shoulders blocked my view and with a singularly practiced move isolated me from the table and monopolized my attention.


“I’ve watched you all evening. You’re a very good dancer.”


“I noticed both you and your blue eyed buddy. Did they tell you that I’m not for sale?”

“Perhaps if the price offered is right we could make a deal, a side bet so to speak?”

“Not for any price. I am not for sale. You are wasting your time.”

“Let me be the determiner of how I want to spend my time. Am I annoying you?”

“You are if you don’t stop haranguing me about going to the back with you. I have a sister who works here. She looks very like me. Perhaps you’d like to interact with her?”

“Interact? That’s an odd word for it. Do you mean pay her to f**k me?”

“You don’t have to make it sound so dirty.”

“I suppose not. I’ll start over. Your sister would be the lovely Robin? She and I have met each other.”

My eyes widened because I did not expect that he would tell me about sleeping with my sister.

“Yes, she is very like you in fact, I thought she was you, at first, until I saw you.”

“What does that mean? You thought she was me until you met me. Has my reputation gone before me?”

“No. Not yet. You are a good dancer but not that good. I dreamed of you. Your face wasn’t clear but I got the same distinct tingle when we met that I felt in the dream. I did not feel it with Robin. Besides in the dream I got the feeling that your name was Merry.”

“Mary? Well you dreamed wrong. I’m not Mary.”

“I said Merry, as in Merry Christmas. May I ask, what is your name?”

“Gay.”

He nodded and looked smug as if to say ‘same thing’.

“So now you’re telling me that you’re psychic? What’s your name Swami Moon? You spent time with her? You slept with my sister?”

“I have said that I did. It was an accident. I thought she was you. Does that bother you?”

“Liar. Why should it bother me? I just met you. I have no attachment to you.”

“I hope that you will. I hope that little detail won’t keep you from forming an attachment. I would like to meet you tomorrow. Perhaps take you to lunch. Are you up for that?”

We had not gotten off to a good start. The information about my sister was more off putting than I was willing to let on. “What’s the catch? Why would you want to do that? Are you hoping that I am short on will power, or that I am money hungry? I am neither.”

“Isn’t it possible that I have taken a liking to you, especially since you made an appearance in one of my dreams?”

“No. It’s impossible. Men in suits like yours don’t pick up dancers in a gentlemen’s club. At least you don’t for any constructive purpose.”

“Try me.”

I paused and tried to figure out if this was a double entendre. Of course it was. “I will go to lunch with you but I will drive myself there and take myself home. I will also pay for my food.”

“Done. Do you like Italian? Good. Meet me at La Lanterna on Mill Street. Is 1 pm good for you?”

I nodded slowly, not sure that this was wise but still …

“Then I’ll see you there tomorrow.”

Date made, he left me to my own devices and went back to his companion. I couldn’t help but wonder what was said for when he rejoined him, they both looked back at me and then away.
**

Before my lunch date I agonized over what to wear. Quite frankly, I had had no dates since I came to the UK from the military hospital in the states. Before that, I was a denizen in a dusty Texas town and I’m afraid that I still wear mostly jeans and t-shirts when I am not at the club.
So I borrowed an outfit from my sister Robin. I am taller than she but then the skirt is long and flowing. I knew that if I was going to go out on a date again, no matter with whom, I’d have to go shopping.

I suspected that I was dressed all wrong for the occasion the minute that I showed up at the agreed upon meeting place. Still I wasn’t sure just what I should have worn instead.

La Lanterna was light and airy. There was no hint or smell of the nightclub about it. It was the sort of restaurant that one would take a respectable girl to. I had thought that since he was dressed in a very nice suit last night, he’d be in something similar today. Not. He was in casual slacks and a shirt open at the neck, revealing a sprinkling of dark chest hair. I came dressed as what I am, an exotic dancer.

I was dressed in a long black skirt that was split a few inches higher than mid thigh, and a gold lame blouse that dipped to show off my cleavage, which I admit I have never had to be ashamed of. I marched in wearing gold four inch high heeled shoes and matching bag and was aware that I had drawn the jaundiced eye of the so called respectable patrons.

The snooty *****es turned their nose up at me and the men had had two responses. If they were with their women they looked away, if alone or with other men, they leered.

Mr. Shoulders walked forward to meet me looking fresh and wholesome with a smile on his face just as if I had not been dressed like a hooker.

“Shall we sit inside or go outside?” he had asked and I, a bit self conscious with it all had preferred not to walk that gauntlet again to reach the umbrella covered patio. I answered that I preferred to stay inside.

We both ordered. I followed his lead and when he indicated his choice, I said that I’d have the same thing. We were having Cream of Wild Mushroom Soup and Mozzarella, Avocado and Tomato salad. After that came Pureed Avocado with Prawns and Lemon Juice wrapped in Strips of Smoke Salmon. For the main course we ordered a Grilled Veal Chop served with Red Peppers, Olives, Red Wine and Tomato Sauce and I, never having had such food before was feeling unsure of myself; but in spite of that I was confident enough to deviate. My big independent decision … I decided that I’d forgo any dessert.

We went on to have a very pleasant lunch. I could not remember enjoying sitting down eating with a man as much as I did this day. But then, I was more attuned to fast food places. I knew how to order at McDonald’s or Hometown Buffet, but this was different.

I learned that his name was Urs Buhler, that although he was now living in the UK, in London, he had not been born here. He did not elaborate on where he was from originally.

When he introduced himself he looked at me closely and I wondered if I should recognize his name but it meant nothing to me. I thought him a very pleasant cultured gentleman. What his character really was like underneath his façade, I couldn’t say. In my experience some of the best looking, most pleasant, cleanest cut men were dogs underneath.

We must have spent about three hours eating and talking, and during that time I let my guard down a bit and told him how I had come to be in the dance club business. I didn’t see any harm in it. I wanted him to know what I am, plain and simple so that he’d have no grand delusion that I was in the same class with him.

“So you didn’t come dressed as you are just to insult me did you?” he asked me finally, but only after he came to know me a little better.

“I had no intention of insulting you. It’s just that going to an expensive upscale restaurant is not something that I have done before. My life has been simple up until now. Coming to London was the adventure of my life. That and Iraq.”

I let him know that I had come from a humble background as had Robin and our other eight brothers and sisters. Born in Texas, we had mostly worked as migrants.

We all had missed a great deal of school and our parents had a running feud with the truant officers because we routinely had to work in the fields until a month after school started and leave just about a month early towards the end of the school year. All of the children in my family had worked so that the family could exist. In the spring and summer there were peaches to be picked, in the fall there were hops.

Yet, in spite of my spotty school attendance, I placed great value on getting and education. “Urs, I like to think that my speech doesn’t give me away. I have worked really hard to rid myself of grammatical errors.

“Our father was a tyrant who was liberal with passing around the cuffing. My mother tried to leave him once. He made it so hard for her that she never did that again.
“The one time that she ran away, mamma had waited until he was away from the house and had taken the youngest five children, one of them a baby still on her hip and walked across the fields where we all had been working. After a trek of about eight miles on foot we caught the greyhound bus for California.”

Urs listened to my story sympathetically but not with pity. I liked him for that.

“It didn’t take long for my father to come and get mother. He came along with three of our older brothers who were by now loyal to father and forced my mother to return to him and the grinding poverty that we had left. Once he got her back where he wanted her he beat her within an inch of her life.

“These were vague memories for me Urs, but my sister Robin who was a couple of years older remembers them vividly. It became tradition in the Hudson family for the girls to get away from home, either by running away or marrying as soon as we were old enough not to be recognized as children and ushered back home by the state troopers or Federal Marshalls.

“Robin ended up working the streets for a few months but life was too hard for her on the streets, she said that there were too many pimps looking to take advantage and get her hooked on drugs so that they could control her. But she’s smart. She dodged them until she had earned enough money to come here.

“When she had the money she got her papers, got the signatures and passport and headed out of town. I think she had the idea that life was different here. The people talked so nice. They sounded so refined that she couldn’t imagine men taking advantage of a young girl here.

“She found that for a young woman with no skills, and no education, one who already knew how to be a … well, how to approach men and wasn’t afraid, she could earn a good living working in a gentlemen’s club.

“I didn’t know all of this then Urs. By then my elder sisters Eva Mae, Rose Marie and Rosalie were married, Constance was preaching and had her own church and Robin was in London. She had been gone just about two years when I married a boy in my graduating class and we both enlisted in the Army.

“Then while I was still in Iraq, Robin wrote home to let mamma know that she was alive and doing ok working at Harrod’s department store and mamma gave her my address. That’s when Robin wrote to me in Iraq to ask how things were over there.”

“And how did the two of you hook back up? When your tour was over you came here?”

“It was something like that. I had planned to send for my youngest sister Petra. All the others were out from under his control and the boys were doing fine learning to be just like him. But Petra was in a car accident and was killed. The car hit a tree. And just about that time my husband was blown up."

Urs reached out and took my hand and I allowed him to hold it. While I continued talking he idly rubbed his thumb across the pads of my fingers and my palm. That gesture was very soothing.

“We were in a convoy, he was in the truck ahead of me and I watched it go up. I ran to help him but he was dying. He had been blown to bits. Both legs were gone, his torso bleeding. He was almost gone when I reached him.

“Urs, I had thought myself a soldier. I had made it through basic with flying colors. I learned to shoot, to march, to be a combat soldier but I lost it when I saw his body.

“I began to have nightmares. I couldn’t go out into the field. I would sit and cry for hours. After psychiatric treatment for a few months, they wanted to let me go. I wasn’t well by any stretch of the word but my wounds didn’t show.

“Finally Robin got word of the shape I was in and she took time off and came and got me and brought me home with her. I surprised her I think. I liked being in the club. I felt alive when I was there. She sent me to school and I learned to dance in only a few weeks and I’ve been there for over six years now. I feel quite comfortable doing what I do.”

“You don’t mind the attention that you get? The eyes on you?”

“No. I go into my own world and all else fades away. They are not allowed to touch, no money in the G- string or anything like that. No I am the type of person who is comfortable in whatever situation comes along. I wasn’t even too unhappy in Iraq.”

“Gay I am surprised”. Urs responded. After all what does one say after such a story? “I am sorry that you’ve had a hard time of it. You are amazingly resilient.” Now I was not quite so surprised that this unusual girl had been meant for me. It seemed that she had more depth than I had thought. “I have a million questions for you.”

“I don’t mind questions. Ask away”

“What do you want to do with your life? Are you still content with just dancing?”

I laughed. “I have learned to live life one day at a time. Yes. For now I am contented. Oh sometimes I think that I should go to school, especially like today when I realize that I am a bit rough and uncultured, like not knowing that this outfit was completely unsuitable for an afternoon lunch, but I’ll get to it. I still have time.”


“How did you escape the back room?”

“You mean prostitution? It was easy. Robin told me how it works. No one pushes any of the girls to do more than they want to do. Robin makes more money than I for sure. I would love to make that kind of money but my salary is good and tips are good too. I think I am too much of a control freak to go to bed with someone that I know nothing about.

“Robin is able to block it all out. As far as she is concerned she could be getting her grocery list together while she is engaged. She gets a lot done in her head while she’s working. She did tell me that you interrupted her train of thought when she was going from poultry to vegetables on her grocery list. She said that you were very good, very attentive.”


I felt myself flush. Did all whores talk about their Johns? “I am sorry that she told you about us. Will it interfere with our relationship, now that you know details and all?”


“I told you, you and I have no relationship.”

“I want to see you again.”

“Unless you can tell me why, seeing me again is out of the question. And don’t come back with some blarney about how special I am, or some dream that I showed up in. Why are you interested in me?” Gay’s voice had gone from soft and vulnerable and had taken on the tone of a drill sergeant.

“I don’t know that I am. But before I am sure, I want you to hear my story and to hear what I want you to do for me. If you lack money, or want security, or even to go to school, then I am you man. You’ll want to hear what I have to say.”
**

CHAPTER 36

Urs

That evening I sat with Jonah on the sofa and told him about my date with Gay Hudson.

“She’s had a rough life Jonah but she’s not cynical, at least not excessively so. Still, she’s not naïve either. She’s been around that brothel for at least six years and yet she’s never succumbed to taking customers. “

“Would it matter to you if she had?”

“I think so. I think I would not like to wonder if every man I ran into had slept with the woman on my arm. I’d also not want her making plans for future ‘dates’ while she is out with me. What about you? Have you made any moves towards meeting a woman?”

“Somehow I don’t have the heart for it yet. I will content myself by visiting your club. Little Robin is very sweet. She’s a bit older than Gay but she’s not hard at all. Yet she is very practical. Money comes first with her.”

“And she’s very good at what she does.”

“So are you going to see Gay again?”

“I’m thinking of asking her to be my wife Jonah so I guess the answer to that is yes unless you’ve changed your mind. You know I could never settle for a series of one night stands. If you’re feeling resentful I will hold off.”

“It’s strange. I understand what we agreed to and I still want to move ahead but I can’t help but feel ... maybe jealous isn’t the word, perhaps it is covetous. I want you to be happy. I want to be happy too but I don’t want you to love her. It’s crazy isn’t it?”

“And I don’t. I don’t love her at all and I don’t intend to lead her to think that I will love her. Affection, fondness, warmth - those I will have to give so that she will stay. But not love. That is reserved for you.”

“When will you tell her?”

“About you and me? I’ll tell her as soon as I can without having her bolt. I have to let her know something of me and my personality. She has to determine if she can coexist with me. She has to come to trust that I mean her no harm.”

“And she has to know the truth about me.”

“Yes. She has to know that. And accept it.”
“I might take her sister you know. That will make it easier. If I do, and Gay knows, she will tell Robin. It will save me the effort.”

“You’ll put it all off on me huh? How fair is that?” I laugh. “We’re meeting again in a couple of days. She wants me to shop for something for her to wear.”

“You shop for women’s wear? What do you know about that?”

“I know that I can pick something more appropriate than gold lame.”

“She wore gold lame? Was it a dance costume?”

“Not exactly but it was close. She realizes now that it wasn’t appropriate, after all of the ladies in the restaurant gave her the look. You know the look that says ‘you’re not one of us’. So she asked me to pick something out for her to wear and to bring it to the club. She even gave me money to pay for it.”

“So she wasn’t trying to get into your pockets.”

“Not at all. I had suggested that a pair of dark slacks and a pair of nice jeans might be something that she’d want, along with a couple of crisp white blouses and she asked me if I’d help her go online to order from K-Mart.”

“Are you familiar with K-Mart?” Jonah had a bit of a patronizing smile on his face Urs thought.

“I would imagine it is discount but there is nothing wrong with that. Lots of people have been poor. I told her that she’d have to buy a few expensive pieces and then she could finish out her wardrobe with whatever appealed to her.

“She gave me 20 pounds and I accepted. I promised to buy her something nice and bring it to the club before our date, and don’t you dare look down your nose at her. She can be taught how to dress. The important thing is that she has a good heart. She isn’t conniving and grasping. It is impossible to teach a woman who has those traits to act differently.”

The next day after I looked up a clothing size conversion table I went out and bought jeans, black slacks, crisp white blouses and a short stylish jacket and scarf. I enjoyed every minute of it. I could picture her in her new duds and thought she’d be as stunning as a model.

After I had told her my recommendations, she had asked me if she could still wear the long dangling earrings. I told her that if she was stylish in most of the aspects of her dress, then she could wear a bit of sleaze. She had laughed with me.

“Is this sleaze Urs?” she pointed to her gold lame blouse. “Now your true feelings come out.”

“Not sleaze Gay, just not up to the standard that your beauty deserves.” I thought I cleaned that up nicely. We had parted well on our way to becoming friends.

After I dropped the clothes off at the club that day, I prepared to meet her at a different restaurant. When she walked in looking like a million dollars I had to restrain myself from giving her a round of applause.

I had wondered if the short leather boots were her size, I had never noticed her feet but I had purchased the shoes based on her dress size. She wore a 12 US size which converted to 36 in Britain, I thought her shoes might be 8 or 9 American and a half size smaller British. She was definitely not limping, she was walking proudly. Perhaps there was a little too much swaying of her butt when she walked but that could be corrected with time and practice. She looked wonderful!

“Are you in the garment business Urs? Don’t tell me you got all of this for 20 pounds?”

Of course I hadn’t. I had spent many times more than that but now was not the time to discuss that. If things worked out as I planed, I would teach her that quality was better than quantity any day.

“How do you feel? Are you comfortable?”

“Yes. I feel so good. I also like it that no one even noticed me. That’s much better than having folk look at me and either make a face or hide a smile. Thank you Urs, now you really must tell me why you are trying to change me into … I don’t know. Sort of like the movie ‘My Fair Lady’, from a sow’s ear into a silk purse.”

“You were never a sow’s ear. And you don’t have a problem with diction, not like that girl did. You are an easy fix.”

“But why do you want to fix me?”

“Why don’t we order first, and I’ll tell you a bit more about myself before I tell you what I want from you.”

“We can order if you like, but I absolutely refuse to sit here and converse with you until you tell me how I fit into the picture. I’m becoming suspicious and that’s not a good thing. I have sworn that I won’t be taken in by a slick talker. After that, after you tell me what’s up; then you can tell me about yourself, that is, if I stick around to listen.”

Well. That let me know that this woman was no pushover. She was friendly, kind and all that but when it came to business, she had just reminded me that she could stand up for herself. Brava!

Now the thing that I had to decide within the next few minutes - was I ready to tell her? In spite of the dream, was I sure that this was the woman that I wanted to bring into our circle? Would she fit? Would she accept me and would she accept Jonah?

I knew if I spilled the beans too soon, she would bolt. I had hoped that we’d have a few more meetings to get to know each other better and to find out each other’s likes and dislikes. I wanted to find out just how conventional she really is.

I thought that she’d not be, not with working in a Gentlemen’s club but one could never tell. People are willing to accept all sorts of vices in themselves but not in others.
I was sure that she would not see my relationship with Jonah as a plus, but perhaps she could be neutral? Was that too much to ask?

She was from a small town in Texas. Not a good sign. Folk in that part of the country are very conservative. They still managed to hang on to the death sentence. They have a saying ‘Don’t mess with Texas’. While there was nothing really wrong with that attitude, it does tell one something about its citizens.

Still, her sister is a hooker. That has to count for something, for some kind of acceptance of the unusual.

I took a breath and let it out.

“Actually Gay, I’m looking for a wife.”

CHAPTER 37

Urs
She looked at me and then repeated what I’d just said “You’re looking for a wife? You’re crazy. We barely know each other.”

I asked myself where that had come from but as soon as it slipped out I knew it was right. I had not planned to ask her to marry me this soon but I knew that it felt exactly like something that I had wanted to say and do. The timing of it wasn’t a factor. I looked at Gay steadily.

In return she narrowed her eyes and then laughed. She laughed long and loud and she attracted the attention of patrons three to four tables away.

“I know what you are Urs, you are a confidence man. A ‘con-man’ is what we call them in the states plain and simple. That is one thing that I do know about. Don’t you know that it is impossible to hook a sucker if she’s not greedy? What’s your game? You want to marry me, give me the world and then what? Put me to work for you? Then answer is no, pure and simple. I’m leaving.”

“No you’re not.” I placed a hand across the table in a staying gesture. It was certainly not enough to cause her to stay unless she was of a mind to hear more. “I’m being truthful with you. The question that you should have had for me was ‘why do you want a wife?’”

I was remembering one of the lessons taught by the good psychologist; the one in Holland. She had taught Jerusa and me to clarify, clarify, clarify.

“I don’t care why you want a wife. I know that the way you’re going about it is crazy. You are fairly good looking, you sound sane, you dress well, you have a bit of money to afford what the club has to offer, there is no reason why you couldn’t have women falling over themselves to get to you. You’d have no trouble finding someone to fall in love with you.”


“When did you hear me say anything about falling in love? Love is not a part of the picture. I only said that I am looking for someone to marry me.”

I could tell the moment when she became more intrigued. Her golden eyes flashed with interest and intelligence as she looked me in the eye, a slight smile of amusement on her lovely face. She sat back looking like she was prepared to listen to more of what this weird guy had to say.

“OK I’m all ears. But don’t try any trickery with me. I might be short on the sophistication part but my sister keeps me informed about men. I am not naïve about guys like you.”

“You wound me Gay. I am not a ‘guy like me’ whatever that is. What has your wise-in-the-way-of-men sister told you? I’m curious.”

She was forced to smile at the appealing expression that I hope I plastered on my face. “You know Urs I’ll have to be careful. You could get to me. My sister tells me lots of things, some of them inconsequential, such as why men really don’t like to dance, or why they prefer a bit of roughness in the sack to ….”

“Whoa, that’s some interesting stuff you’re talking about. Tell me, why don’t guys like to dance? I’m a guy who doesn’t like it but I never knew why. Let me hear what you gals think.”

“Well, it’s all about perception see, and there’s more than one reason. One of them is this. Guys think that women equate how men dance with how they make love and they are afraid, unless they are really good, like the professional dancers, that they will look awkward and inept on the dance floor so, go figure. They don’t want that to transfer over into how we assess their abilities in the bedroom.”

“You said that there’s more than one reason.”

“Dancing makes women look sexy right? And so does wearing lingerie. Therefore, dancing to him is like he's wearing women’s underwear. Not manly at all in his eyes.”

“What about making love, what has she told you?”

“Look. I didn’t mean to imply that we sit around and talk about you guys. We don’t. But we live together and just like a secretary might come home and mention something about her job, a letter that she had to write or so forth, my sister mentions hers.

“She only said that most men prefer it if women touch them with a bit of roughness. She thought it was because you have thicker skin than we do. See there’s nothing out of the ordinary in that is there?”

I didn’t answer that question. Instead I turned the conversation back to something that interested me.

“So are you staying? Are you going to hear me out? If you do I don’t think that you will be sorry, and I am not trying to trick you or fool you in any way. I will be completely honest with you.”

I looked at her directly and hoped she saw my sincerity.

“I’m inclined to believe you Urs in spite of past experiences with my father, my brothers and yes, my husband. Call me a gal that never gives up hope so go ahead … talk.”

“It started with a dream that I had a couple of years back.” When I mentioned dream I could see that my credibility was slipping with her by the second but she stayed with me in spite of her skepticism. “It was a dream inside of a dream. But it was so real and natural that to me it was life and it seemed to go on for months. When I woke up and found that it was the same day that I had gone to sleep, I couldn’t believe it, I wouldn’t believe it and for days, weeks, and even months I searched for clues. I asked myself over and over, how could all that stuff that was in my dream have been fabricated?”

“You still sound bewildered. That must have been one powerful dream. I am beginning to believe you in spite of myself.”

“Later I began to notice that there had been little inconsistencies, like for instance, in the dream there was never any filler.”


“What does that mean, no filler?”

“Hear the music in the background and see that leaf falling off the tree out there? If someone drops a glass we will hear it break and even though we don’t remark on it, it is there. In the dream there was none of that. There were people but if we were on, for instance, an airplane, the sound never drowned out our voices. It’s hard to explain but there was no filler. No little imperfections. The trains that we took were always on time too.

“Another thing, in the dream I visited a psychiatrist, I even know her name, it was Mildred Randall, our company doctor. But when I awoke, I realized that we don’t have a company psychiatrist. She never did exist, yet she gave me some sound advice … in the dream.”

“Our subconscious minds are very powerful. I’ve never studied it but after my husband’s … death, I was the recipient of quite a bit of what they call theory and a lot of it was bull too, but much of it was also partially true. I used to imagine that he was in my room, talking to me. But this isn’t about me, go ahead. I want to hear the rest.”

“There was a woman in the dream and I fell deeply in love with her.”

And I went on to tell Gay about Jerusa and Johanna, and of course Ulrich. I deliberately did not mention Jonah. The time was not right for that yet.

“And so when you were fully awake, you felt that she was so real that you had to find her. You don’t think that I am that woman do you? You did say that you saw me in a dream.”

“No. You are not Jerusa. I don’t mean that in a negative way either. She had her imperfections. She was a slender brown haired woman with bright blue eyes. She was quirky but I loved her. You on the other hand are different in personality, more assertive, more assured, you two look nothing alike but yet I like you.”

“That’s good to know.” Gay said drily, “Especially if you are thinking about making me your wife.” She smiled, still not believing what I had said. Not believing that I really wanted a wife.

I took a breath and then plunged in. “No, I know that you are not Jerusa because I found my Jerusa six months ago except there was one slight problem. Jerusa was Jonah.”

Gay sat back in surprise. “She was a guy? Oh no.”

Gay giggled nervously; then she looked horrified that she had laughed at something that I was taking so seriously so I watched her wipe the remnants of the smile off. “How did you know he was the one you were searching for? Maybe it was just your imagination.”

“Think about it Gay, Johanna Nickles, Jerusa Nichols, Jonah Nicks, the names are all similar. They all had the very same eyes - not similar, they are the same. Jonah is my Jerusa. He even has a few random memories of the same dream.”

“He’s the guy with the nice blue eyes that comes into the club with you isn’t he?” She didn’t really have to see my nod to know that she was right. “My first impression of you was that you two were a couple. I don’t know what it was, kinda like the way you sat there, a tad too close to each other. In my experience men usually take up as much room as they can around other men and if a woman is around, they either spread their arms, legs or elbows too. They either to try to look larger than they are or they do it to keep the other men around them at bay. I noticed that you and he were quite comfortable sitting near each other.

“But then you threw me off the track. You pulled me aside to talk to me and I could see the interest in your eyes. And I let the idea of you and blue eyes go. I forgot that there are people who are interested in both. So what’s up? Does he know that you are spending time with me? Or are you sneaking?”

“You don’t believe in holding back do you? He knows.”

“So once you found her/him, how far did it go?”

I just looked at her. I was not at all comfortable telling her everything even though both Jonah and I had pledged to be absolutely honest with any women with whom we became involved.

“Look Urs. You are going to have to tell me, no holding back, that is if you are serious and want to see me again.”

I stalled for time. “This sandwich that we’re having made of beef, dates and cheese it was in my dream and I told Jerusa that it was my favorite. Before that I had never heard of it. I looked until I found it and that’s why I started coming here.”

“I like it. I’m glad you took the time to find it.” She was not going to allow me to lead her off track. “Did you fall in love with Jonah too, just as you did with Jerusa?”

“I didn’t have to fall in love. I already was, when I found her and saw that she wasn’t really the same … sex I mean, I admit that threw me for a loop but only for a minute. I still loved her. I considered the body as a kind of costume for the soul. The soul of Jonah is the same as it was.”

“Then what did you do?”

“I did what every man does when he is interested in someone, I pursued him.”

“You pursued him.”

“But I forgot that he too is a man, not a woman like Jerusa was, so he pursued me too. When I’d stop calling him he’d call me and the other way around. The chase was quite different from anything I had experienced before. It was quite exhilarating at first. Before a month had passed we ended up deciding that we loved each other.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “You seem so reserved. I can’t imagine you doing something so out of character, but perhaps it wasn’t out of character. Had you fallen in love with other men before this?”

“No. Never before and never again.”

“And why is that?”

“Because I love Jonah.”

Gay nodded. “It is becoming clear now. You don’t love Jonah, not really. You only love the part of him that is Jerusa. But he is more than that. He is also Jonah who is very much a man and you are not truly attracted to that part of him.”

“Yes. I am amazed that you are so astute.”

“Why? Is that because I was born poor and ignorant? Uneducated people are some of the smartest people on earth. They have mother wit. Haven’t you ever heard the term ‘educated fool’? There are lots of those around these days.”

I had finally touched a nerve. “Calm down. I was not disparaging you. I only meant that it took me six months to realize that fact myself and it is my own life. It seems that if you can figure it out in half hour, I should have been able to see it too.”

“Does ‘not disparaging me’ mean you’re not putting me down? If it does, say what you mean. I can figure it out in a half hour because I’m not blinded by love, and celebrating finding my woman again. I would imagine that it was something similar to what one feels when they fall in love right in a hurry. At first everything is perfect and then the honeymoon period ends and they come back down to earth. You came down but you are still in love?”

“Yes, I’m still in love but I can’t live without a woman in my life.”

“So you were serious about wanting a wife?”

“I am still serious about it.”

“Let me get it straight. You fell in love, you had relations with him, what else?”

“What else is there?”

“You lived together, you slept together? You are ... still close?”

“We moved into my place. We still live there together but we no longer sleep in the same room, we are close emotionally but not physically. We never will be again. He will most likely find himself a woman after he is sure that I am serious about it.”

“Wow. Any woman who would take that situation on would have to be crazy. What if you got married to a woman and then decided that this was not the right move after all, that you and Jonah needed to go back to doing the whole nine yards?”

“We never did do the whole nine yards and we were always truthful when we told each other that we were the exception in each other’s lives, that we really preferred females. It’s just that ... I can’t explain it.”

“But you didn’t answer my question did you? Whatever you did, and I don’t need to know the details yet, but if … if we decide to keep talking about this I will want to know. How would any woman be assured that you won’t return to him? How could she trust you to be around him, to go for walks, to just be? How could she keep from wondering what you two are doing together?”

“How does any woman trust her man around other men, around other women? I know, you’ll say that she trusts him because he doesn’t have a track record but that is why I think that we, I mean Jonah and I, have to be meticulously honest with our mates and while I don’t think we will ever go backwards, even if we do we’d just have to admit it and deal with it.”

We then just sat at the table, both ignoring the pristine setting, the white cloth, the sparkling glasses, the surrounding diners, each lost in our own thoughts. Finally I broke the silence.

“Have I turned you off completely Gay?”

“I… I don’t know what to say. I do admire you for trusting me with this information. It is quite personal isn’t it? And I think that character in a mate is very important in all situations. I would be lying if I wouldn’t wish that you did not have the baggage that you have but without that baggage you would never have even noticed me much less spoken to me.

“But I keep coming back to character. Anything can be worked out if the person remains true to who he is and is honest in letting those around him know his inner workings. I can’t help but admire you for seeing more in me than just a stripper whose sister is a whore. But still, I am interested in hearing more.”

“What more do you need to know?”

“I have about a million questions, some of them you can answer in words, some of them will be determined if I get to know you. How much time and effort are you willing to put into letting me get to know you?”

“I have no time limit. I only ask that if you at any point feel that you can’t move forward with me, let me know. It would be disappointing to have you tell me after months of us getting to know each other that you never had any interest or inclination to consider my proposal.”

“But that is exactly one of the questions that I will need you to answer. So far, you haven’t. Since you suggested that I ask it, why do you need a wife? You don’t need or want love from her, sex you can buy, why would you tie yourself to one woman, a woman that you don’t love, and do so in such a permanent way?”

I didn’t answer Gay right away. I knew that I wanted to be truthful not only to her but to myself. “The best explanation that I have is that I need a woman, a constant woman in my life. Not to cook or clean but to be there. I sleep better when my woman is by my side. The conversations, the running of the household, all of those things I need at this stage of my life. I need the softness too.”

“And Jonah can’t provide that.”

“He cannot provide it for me and I cannot provide it for him. We both feel the deficit.”

“Explain ‘the softness’ to me. Exactly what is it? I don’t think that I am known for my softness.”

“But you are doing it now. You’re sitting here at table talking to me, looking into my eyes, listening, laughing, and telling me about your life and asking me questions. A man gets tired of talking about sports and cars or playing cards or listening to snores, and women smell different too. You smell nice and it’s ok if you snore.”

We smiled at each other and sat quietly for a few moments until she answered: “Now we are getting somewhere. I needed to know what you meant. You have told me of your needs; now tell me what’s in it for me?”

CHAPTER 38

(Urs)

“I’ll tell you what’s in it for you. For starters you would never have to work again. Never display your body to a bunch of ogling men. You could do whatever it is that you’ve dreamed of doing.”

“But I like working. And I don’t mind dancing. I like being responsible for myself. If I become reliant on you, you would have control of me. What do you do anyway? How do you make your money? For all I know you could be involved in some type of criminal activity.”

“You wound me Gay. I’ve told you the worse about me, I promise. I am an entertainer. I sing.”

“What do you sing? Why is it that I’ve never heard of you?”

“I don’t know why you’ve never heard of me Gay. My group is relatively new or perhaps we haven’t traveled in the same circles. Look, I have a performance next week. Come with me; spend the evening at one of our performances. Seeing us will tell you more about me than I can with words.”

“You’ll have to tell me more than that.”

“What else do you need to know?”

“I have to know what to wear. I don’t want another fiasco like the one in La Lanterna with me looking like a hooker and the other women looking like holier than thou nuns. Do I wear jeans, or …”

“This is a private performance so I think you should wear jeans for the trip but bring a gown along. Even better, I will pick up something out for you. With your gold hair and whisky like light brown eyes you should wear olive.”


“I won’t spend the night with you even though we are out of town, not even if you buy the gown.”

“Did I ask you to sleep with me? I won’t you know, not until we strike a bargain.”

“And we won’t strike a bargain until you pass the AIDS test.”

I was taken aback some by that request. Less than six months ago I was tested and during the interim Jonah and I had done nothing to cause AIDS, but I supposed it would be better if I did… she couldn’t know that and in her position I would insist upon it.

“I would ask that of anyone that I intended to sleep with that I don’t know Urs. I would ask it even if I did know him. I don’t think you have anything, but a gal can’t be too careful and they always say that you can’t go by the looks.” Thinking that she had offended me she babbled on. “Look, I will take one too even though I haven’t been with anyone since my husband died but you can’t know if that is the truth or not can you?. What makes you think that I want to stop working? Would you demand that I stop dancing?”

I’m learning that when she’s nervous she tends to talk. More specifically, she tends to ask questions. “I think that I will ask you to stop dancing. At least I will want you to stay away from the gentlemen’s club. Will you mind?”

“Only if I get on my high horse and get offended with you for trying to tell me what to do. To be truthful, I have always wanted to go to school a bit more, and there is a charity that I long to work for. It’s called the Waris Dirie Foundation. You’ve probably never heard of it being a man but when I was in Iraq I met a woman and she told me some of the strangest things, things that you’d never believe.”

I sighed. Here comes the circle again. “She talked about the cutting didn’t she?”

“But how do you know about that?” Gay River looked surprised. “Even most women didn’t know that. How did you, a man, become aware of it?”

“It was one of my Jerusa’s passions. In the dream she worked for the Foundation, but in Holland.”

“This is like the twilight zone Urs; there are so many strange things and now this coincidence.”

“My life has been one big coincidence. Now - back to working and school and whatever. I would love for you to fulfill yourself but my first requirement is that you be there for me.”

(Gay)
We had one more date before the performance that he had invited me to. He cooked dinner and called me to come over to his apartment. Before accepting the invitation I asked him point blank if his ‘friend’ Jonah would be there.

“Right now he is out of the country. There were a couple of weddings in the States, his sister is marrying and one of his childhood buddies is also. They are two different weddings a couple of weeks apart. Jonah is going to participate in both of them and he’ll be back in a couple of weeks, why do you ask?”

“I wanted to know if he would be there that’s all. Will I get to meet him? I know that I’ve seen him in the club but that can hardly be called an introduction.”

“Would you like to meet him?”

“If you are serious about making me your wife, I’ll certainly want to get to know a little about his character. He could be an ax murderer, or angry with me for being in your life for all I know. For my own safety and protection, yes, most definitely; him I will want to meet.”

We arrived at his apartment. It was nice, modern and very upscale. I wondered what kind of entertainer could afford such a place and I not have known about him. I was suddenly glad that he had invited me to see him perform. It seemed important that I get to know more about this enigmatic man who had invited me into his life.

When he showed me around I noticed that the whole place was very neat and tidy. He even pointed out his bedroom and when he did, I stuck my head in and took a quick look around. It looked masculine but inviting.

The door to Jonah’s bedroom was closed and Urs didn’t give me a opportunity to look in there. Somehow I liked that. It made me think that he would also respect my privacy.

Throughout dinner we chatted and laughed. I was encouraged because his demeanor did not change even though he had me alone in his apartment.
**
I walked into the reception hall on Urs’ arm not really knowing what to expect. As we walked, he explained sotto voiced that the event is a reception for the new Prime Minister. Most of those who had been invited were dignitaries, cabinet members and their friends and the entertainers asked to perform represented diversity and unity. Il Divo, Urs had explained, because of its international focus was the perfect group to invite.

We found our reserved seats among oceans of white-clothed round tables that were arranged in a square in the huge banquet room and soon the event began with toasts in celebration of the Prime Minister’s and the party’s victory.

Urs identified the drinks that were being used to toast as Champaign, of which I am aware and prosecco a sparkling wine that I had never heard of. Both flowed liberally and the servers came around with trays of hors d’oeuvres of chicken wraps, tiny bruschettas and other goodies, cakes, tarts, strawberries with whipped cream and miniature lemon scones topped with whipped cream.

As we sat there I imitated Urs movements. I accepted what he accepted and rejoiced that a full scaled dinner was not being served.
He had coached me regarding the silverware and the glasses; he told me to start the service from the outside and work my way inside but I still had my doubts at being able to do it correctly. He had then said that when in doubt, eat slowly and copy those around me. Eventually it would all be easy as pie. Still, I was pleased that I would not have to test my newfound knowledge tonight.

As we sampled the food, eating lightly, I watched the ladies of the assembly. I was beginning to recognize that chic could also be sexy.

It was not the blatant cheesiness of a dress that was too snug. In fact, the dress that Urs presented me with up in my hotel room, a Ralph Rucci, had been roomy by my standards, that is until I put it on and noted that it didn’t miss even one of my curves. And it seemed to do so without trying. It dipped and swayed with me but it had a wicked way of clinging in all the right places. I loved the look and vowed to myself that this way of dressing was something that I would learn if it killed me.

As far as being in the company of sophisticated people, I was not fooled for one bit. I knew that these people too had their ‘common’ side but for tonight were on their best behavior.

The men, now treating their wives as if they would break, were some of the men that I would later see in the club, either alone or with their girlfriends.

I had no fear that they would recognize me. First of all, people expected to see what they thought they were seeing. They would never dream of seeing a dance hall girl in their midst and if they recognized me they would think that it was merely a resemblance.

But, it was not the people who impressed me. It was the ambiance and the way my spirit responded to it. Coming from a deprived background where domestic violence was the norm, and then going directly from that home to the violence of war, I had never been inspired to explore how uplifting life can be.

Before tonight, if asked I would have said that I was a realist. Suddenly I received this flood of intuitive knowledge and I realized that life could be difficult but one could always make the surroundings pleasant if one tried.

I had a hard time sorting through my thoughts to get at what I really meant but I did know it was not about money or lack of money. One could have been broke and still have picked a few flowers for the table. Candles could be bought at the dollar store. It was all about doing things, little things that made life a little more pleasant. I will always be grateful to Urs for introducing this truth to me.

I also knew that once made aware, there could be no going backwards. Even if I did not spend another day with him, if we didn’t marry, I would not be able to continue as I had in the club. The veil had been stripped from my eyes and I now saw it for what it was; a place to be entertained but only if life was balanced by something equally uplifting as it was lowering.

Eventually, after a few short speeches Urs asked me if I would be fine without him, {as if he could change things if I were not}; he removed himself and followed the other Divo’s behind the curtain. It was time for them to do what they were here to do… perform.

They arrived to much applause and then sang five songs. I now understood why he had eaten so lightly. He and his band mates could really belt it out.

I was literally blown away. Having no knowledge of Il Divo, and not wanting to spoil the surprise, I had turned down the offer of CD’s that Urs had wanted to give me. Quite frankly I was expecting that they could sing. And it was not the tonality of their voices that surprised me so much as it was the quality.

The dark one, the Spaniard, I had watched carefully. To my eyes he was clearly the most handsome of the group. There was nothing subtle about him. His hair held the darkness of the night; his skin was as brown as sand, his teeth like pearls and when he opened his mouth, whether softly to serenade, or loudly to bring them to another level, I could see that his voice matched his looks. His voice was both powerful and formidable.

The tall one, from my homeland, had the voice of a soprano and he used it magnificently; still he was quite masculine. His high voice gave me no thoughts of the feminine. His voice too was powerful. It had to be to reach to the heights that it did and still be heard when he sang with the baritone.

The Frenchman had the perfect voice to lead us from the common towards the sublime.

Urs I now thought of as being self-effacing; what else could he be to belong to such a group and not to have bragged about it? Most men would have told me about the group on the first date and yet, he had let me get to know the man before the singer. Both the man and the singer impressed me.

In fact by the time they had finished singing, I had decided that I must continue with this man. It was the opportunity of a lifetime for me. It was not about the money, or the thought of being with a well known person but it was how inspired I felt in this atmosphere.

Even if he loved Jonah that would be acceptable, I didn’t need Urs’ love. I needed to get out of the one-way trip to nowhere that I was on and there was so much that I could learn from him. I would be a fool not to explore it further. Provided he was not toying with me.

We were finished by 10 PM and before long were on our way back to the hotel.

“We need to talk Urs.”

“All right, my room or yours?”

“Could we go to the hotel lounge?”

As soon as we entered he ordered a scotch and I a glass of wine. It was now time for specifics. I began with the questions.

“How will we live Urs? I need to know more. Will it be a traditional marriage or will it be different? You say that my main job will be to be there for you. Exactly what does that mean? Will I travel with you or be at the house waiting for you to return? Will we have one bedroom or will I have my own?”

“Ah you are more excited about the prospect now that you have seen us, huh? I have said that I sleep better with a woman by my side. That means that you will be there beside me. As for traveling, we don’t do nearly as much as we once did; so whether you travel or not depends on what you are doing. If you plan to go back to school, then until you finish it would come first, but your schooling would have to take place here in London.

“After that, I would expect you to be with me, not off on a career of your own that takes most of your time.”

“What kind of relationship would I have with Jonah?”

“Why, I don’t know. I hadn’t given it much thought. Will you have a relationship with him?”

“How can I not? I will be your wife; he will be the person whom you love. There’s bound to be some friction. “

“Why would there be? I will be fair to you both.”

“What you think is fair ... we might not agree that it is. I can’t believe that you haven’t thought this out, talked it over with him.”

“I have. And he agreed that this is what he wants too. Don’t forget he will find a wife, or girlfriend of his own.”

“Yes, he will, but if he still thinks he is in love with you, it won’t matter. He will be jealous of me.”

“You wrong him. He is not the jealous type.”
“He will be jealous and if you defend him, as you are doing now, there will be trouble. No matter how well you think you know him, or me for that matter, you will only know us though the lens or our relationship to you. You won’t see either of us clearly, not as he will see me nor I him. I guess I’ll just have to get to know him and find out for myself.”

“What exactly will you have to know and find out?”

I guess it was the way I said ‘know’ that got under Urs skin. “Well don’t get huffy. I am not trying to get him to bed if that worries you. Unlike you, I won’t have slept with your lover as you did with my sister.”

“I explained that didn’t I? I saw the woman in my dream, thought she was you and too late I realized that it was not you. I would never, ever have done that had I known.”

“I know that. I only wanted to hurt you because you seemed to think that I would be low enough to go after Jonah, I would never do that either. But as I said, I will have to meet him, and to a certain degree get to know him. I have to learn if he will be the type of guy who will pick fights with me. Or if the three of us are out together, will he ignore me and direct his conversation only to you?

“I have to know if he references events that I was not a part of that you and he have attended together. I have to know if you are going to share secrets with him, things that you tell him before you tell me.

“It’s just like I said, is he going to be jealous. All of those things are manifestations of jealousy whether he will admit it or not.”

“I think you are making this more complicated than it need be. I think that if I am honest with both of you, and we to each other, all will be ok.”

“That’s true but it isn’t all about just honesty. You and I will have business that should be kept from Jonah in spite of your feelings for him. What if we decide to try to make a child; is that something that you will want to tell him before it is fact? Get his permission perhaps?”

“A child?” He sounded taken aback. His normally resonant voice rose so high that he almost squeaked.

“I’m sorry. Perhaps I misunderstood. I just thought that since you are always saying that you want your wife next to you in bed, that … well, we would, you know, be doing something in that bed. Was I wrong?”

“You’re not wrong, that’s why I want to marry, for the sex you see, but I guess I hadn’t thought that you’d … we’d have children.”

“I want something out of it. You’re not going to love me, that I understand but surely I will be allowed have children. I’ve always wanted them.”

“Ahem … just how many would you want?”

“I don’t know. If you don’t want to be a father, that changes my expectations. I don’t want to bring them into the world and have you pretend they don’t exist.”

“What would I have to do? Talk baby talk, change diapers?”

“Come on Urs, think of your own parents. You’d have to be a parent. Could you do that?”

He drew himself up. “I … yes. I can. I just hadn’t given it any thought before.”

“Maybe two then?”

“I suppose … Yes definitely. Two is not too many.”

We sat for a few minutes in complete quiet each thinking of what we had just agreed to.

“So, you want to meet Jonah and spend time with him. Are you going to question him like you are doing me?”
“Why? Are you afraid that I will hurt him? Be nasty to him? Hurt his feelings? You’ll have to learn to trust me. After all we don’t know each other very well.”

“I suppose we don’t.”

I thought Urs sounded downcast at me mentioning all of those things that he had not thought about, so I tried to sooth him. “It will be better when he finds a woman. She will keep him occupied and he won’t obsess over you.”

“I suppose you’re thinking that I won’t obsess over him as much either … once you and I are married.”

“I hope not. You won’t be able to put me on the back burner until you need a little loving, and then shove me back into the corner when you’re satisfied. If we go through with it, it will change your life; it will change both your life and Jonah’s life.

“You can keep your emotions going with Jonah, I don’t mind that because I don’t love you but I will need some of your time. I refuse to let you keep me in the background of your life.”

He took another sip of his drink and rubbed his hair back off his forehead. He didn’t let me see his eyes.

I knew that perhaps he was rethinking. Maybe he was thinking that he was getting more than he had bargained for. What had seemed so simple in theory was quickly becoming more complex but perhaps more interesting too. I kept my mouth shut and let him think.

Then he spoke.

“For the first time in years, perhaps in my whole life I feel challenged.”

CHAPTER 39

(Urs)

We didn’t talk much after that. I confirmed that I would arrange for Gay and Jonah to spend some time in each other’s company. She had never been to our apartment when he was there so I promised that when Jonah returned I would once more have her over for dinner.

The one other time that she had come over she had offered to drive but I had said ‘no’ I’ll pick you up. How perverse was that? I remembered that at one time I had rejoiced that Jonah was self-sufficient and that I didn’t have to ‘fetch’ him anywhere. Now I had changed. Perhaps I needed someone to look after once more. Would I grow tired of it after awhile? If I did grow tired, I realized that Gay could be just as independent as Jonah. It was only my attitude towards the whole thing that would have changed.


I was nervous about their meeting though. Over the six months that we’d been together I’d learned that Jonah could be condescending; and censoring her thoughts, saying one thing when she meant another, was not one of Gay’s strong points. That was one of the things that attracted me to her, her earnestness. But at the same time, she could be quite direct. If Jonah … I’d just say that the potential for fireworks between those two is there.

It was around the United States Thanksgiving Day when Gay came over as our, both mine and Jonah’s, dinner guest. Since it was not a holiday in the UK, we had not felt the need to cook turkey with all the trimmings but in honor of both Jonah and Gay’s American heritage we ordered a special dinner of baked hen with stuffing that later both Gay and Jonah called ‘dressing’ and laughed because they were both from the southern part of the US.

At least they were able to laugh together at something.

Gay had been a bit self conscious when she arrived. Perhaps she sensed my uneasiness. She had become more in tuned to my moods lately. She had met Jonah at the club of course, but that had been before she knew of his status in my life.

And what about Jonah; how would he really react? Would Jonah see her as an interloper? Sure, he and I together had decided that we both wanted women in our lives. But it remained to be seen if Jonah really meant it or if he had said it only to please me. Had Jonah known me so well that he could read my thoughts and in an effort to keep peace, gone along with it? More than that, had he taken the lead and brought the subject up in order to appear more willing?

Not long after we walked in, when she and Jonah had had less than half hour to talk, I called Gay into the kitchen where I was setting up the food. I wanted to know how it was going with those two out there in the lounge alone without a chaperone.

She told me that this arrangement reminded her of how it might be when couples decided they wanted an open marriage. One partner wants it; the other didn’t really, but felt that this was the only way to keep the marriage going and so agreed to it.

“So you don’t think that Jonah’s heart is in it, that he really doesn’t want this? Is he being difficult?”

“Not difficult Urs. I think he is conflicted. The idea of me is more welcome than the reality of me. But he is trying very hard to be civil. At this point that’s all I can say. Also, I think he is a bit of a snob.”

I could tell that Gay had tried really hard not to repeat the faux pas that she had committed on her first date with me when she had dressed for a night at a club. This night she wore the dark slacks that I had chosen for her along with a pair of short boots with black trouser socks and a bright white blouse. A jewel toned scarf accented the blouse in a way that appealed. The only thing that she wore from her old days was a pair of dangling earrings that I thought looked great on her.

“Why do you call him a snob? What did he say?”

“Oh he made a rather snide remark, I thought, about the improvement … in the way I’ve decided to dress. You told him didn’t you?”

Oops, there I’d gone and put my foot in it before it even got off the ground. Yes. I had mentioned to Jonah that Gay had been snubbed at our lunch date because she was dressed all wrong. I never even gave it a second thought. Certainly I never thought that he would refer to it around Gay. I realized that Gay was probably right about the conflicted thing.

I wanted them to get along, perhaps too much. Each of them had the power to railroad this little experiment just by being contrary. No matter how well one thinks one knows a person, you got to know them much better when a third person was involved.

“Ah Gay, I’m so sorry. This was my entire fault. It was obvious that it was my fault because Jonah would have had no way of knowing about that if I hadn’t told him, but I didn’t tell him in any way that made it a joke at your expense. I thought those women were horrible. I think that the true measure of grace and elegance is how you treat someone that you see as different. That you not laugh but that you have understanding and compassion. That’s what I told Jonah and I also told him that I would make sure that you didn’t have to face that kind of censorship again, at least not for the way you are dressed.”

Right then I knew what I had to do. In this relationship things were not going to be pushed under the rug and ignored. So I washed my hands and dried them with great deliberation while I composed my thoughts. I would speak to both of them and assure both of them that there would be no gossiping or back biting about either of them from me.

“Come with me Gay back into the lounge please.”

“Oh Urs, don’t make this more than it is. Surely neither you nor he meant …”

“Come please.” I took with me a tray with a glass of wine for each of us. Somehow I hoped it would serve as an emotional lubricant.



“Well Jonah, we have had our first incident my friend. I have just been reminded that the most innocent conversation that I have with one of you about the other can cause pain; so if you both agree I would like to talk about that, get it all out and then I promise never to speak of either of your confidences to me about the other to you, or to anyone in the future.”

Jonah took the proffered glass of wine and stood, obviously on guard. “Was it I? What did I do?”

“You did nothing Jonah. Remember after Gay and I had our first date I came home and told you about it? That was me. I should have kept my mouth shut. If I had, you wouldn’t have known to remark on how much better she looks tonight.”

Gay gave me a stricken look; evidently she had hoped to avoid having Jonah know what she and I had talked about in the kitchen.

“And no Jonah, she did not come running to me. I asked her for an update and she provided it. So this is the crux of the matter. Gay, up until this present moment, if I remember correctly Jonah and I have talked about that first date. I mentioned that you were dressed, inappropriately, in gold lame’. Other things that we talked about were how and when I would tell you about our relationship.”

And I indicated with my hand that I referred to Jonah and myself.

"Ah … I think I mentioned that I would do some shopping for you and he questioned my taste and ability. I may have said that you have had a hard life.

“The point is this. Hereafter rest assured that I will not mention any of the business that I may have with one of you and not the other, to either of you. If I do this, I expect you to call it to my attention. That way there can be no more slip ups.

“Of course, Jonah, Gay, each of you is free to tell the other anything that you want to about your pasts. It is probably not wise to get into conversation that involves my interactions with you.”

I thought that Jonah would have a harder time with this new rule than Gay because he was used to having an open book into my thoughts. I was coming to realize in slow degrees that it just won’t work if I don’t keep confidences.

In some ways I felt like a father who had just laid down a rule to his children and Gay and Jonah reacted in a way that reinforced that feeling. Both were silent while I, feeling a good deal of awkwardness, took my wineglass and walked back into the kitchen.

Somehow I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had heard meows and growls from those two. Instead I heard civil conversation. I didn’t feel at all guilty for eavesdropping. Too much of my future hinged on those two accepting each other.

“He’s right you know,” Jonah had opened the conversation. “It’s not as easy for me as it seems. And if it seems easy for you now, if you marry him you’ll begin to feel the pinch too.”

“You remind me of my sister Petra.” Gay had said in response. “She died in a car crash but before she died, she and I used to have a love-hate relationship all because I never had to watch what I ate and she lived on a constant diet. She used to envy me so much but yet if I offered her a piece of my cake or other goodies she’d refuse. She did it because she wanted to be thin more than she wanted to eat.”

“That reminds you of Urs and my situation? Why do you think that? Is it because I’m letting him go since I want a girlfriend more?”\

“Yes, and because he does too. But that doesn’t mean that you have to like your sacrifice. I would say that you’d love to have your cake and eat it too. If you could, you’d lock Urs away in an ivory tower so that only you could get to him while you roam the forest looking for chicks.”

That sounded like a pretty astute assessment to me. I wondered how Jonah would take this, especially coming from Gay. He surprised me. He laughed and said, “You’ve cut me to the quick Gay but you are right. I have perfectly mixed emotions and that means that sometime I will like you, sometime I will hate you. And you will come to feel the same way about me.”

“I don’t know why I would Jonah.” Gay answered him mildly. “After all, Urs and I don’t have a relationship based on love, I won’t love him and I know that you do. But even so, while I won’t be jealous, I can promise you that I won’t do anything deliberately to try to make you suffer from jealousy.”

“And that might be what? What won’t you do?”

It was Gay’s turn to laugh. “Let’s see. I promise that I won’t flaunt the jewelry or dresses that he gives to me.”

“Thanks,” I heard Jonah offer and by some sound in his voice I knew that even that remark wounded him a bit and quick study that he was, he had a comeback for her.

“And I promise not to tell you that I picked them out.”

“Ouch.” Now it is Gay’s turn to wound. "Well then, since you are being so kind to me, I promise that if I get a hickey… anywhere on my body, I’ll make sure you never see it.”

“Urs doesn’t bite.” Jonah responds just as quickly.

I was almost finished setting up the table but I figured I should get in there and put a stop to this one-ups-man-ship. I needed to separate those two adults who had regressed back to childhood and were using the adult version of ‘my daddy can whip your daddy’.

“And I won’t let you know how tired I am the morning after we’ve made love all night.”

I saw that Gay could hold her own with him. “Ok, pillow fight is over” I said briskly not letting the humor that I felt come through in my voice. I was glad to see that they were actually smiling at each other. I gathered that so far it was a friendly rivalry. At least they were telling each other their true feelings, their surface hostilities. At least I hoped that they were merely on the surface.
**

Chapter 40

(Gay)

After that little exchange I had wondered if Jonah and I would be able to get along but our little dustup had worked up an appetite in us both and as we devoured our dinner, I could see that Jonah had an appreciation for women. And while there existed that side of him that was a little bit hostile to me, there was a whole other side to him that appreciated me.

As the dinner wound down, he hadn’t shown that he identified with me to such a degree that he would put himself in competition with me. I mean, the fact that he was a man and felt like a man protected us from each other in a strange way. And he had been honest with me about his conflicted feelings. My assessment of the evening? So far so good - at least it was a good start.

For my part after our first little fracas I was cordial. I grew up in a home with nine brothers and sisters and I knew how to let things go and also how not to imagine wounds that caused me carry a chip on my shoulder.

Though we had made it through dinner, the night was not nearly over. It would have been cowardly of me to eat and run. I would have felt almost as if I were abandoning the playing field, giving Jonah notice that I could be driven away.

No, I decided that I must stay the course. We were obliged to survive the remainder of the evening and with a bit of searching my mind I realized that Jonah and I had a lot of things to talk about other than Urs. We had the states in common and that was what we talked about during the first half-hour after dinner.

Jonah tried asking me questions about travel but I didn’t hide from him that I had not visited the really famous places in our home country.

He started with conversation about Vegas, which I had heard about but had never seen. Neither had I been to New York, Chicago or even Los Angeles, a city that was relatively close to my home state. And then I remembered the one time.

“I was in Los Angeles once, that was when my mother took the family there but we left after only a few days. My father came and got us but then I was too young to remember much about that trip.”

I could see from the flicker of recognition in Jonah’s eyes that he already knew about that ill-conceived attempt that my mother had made to run way from my dad. Urs had told him.

I looked over at Urs, who was sitting alone in the large recliner. "A look passed between us; I recognized that he knew I was aware that little revelation had come from him." He shrugged.

I imagined that Jonah also knew that my dad had beaten mother when we returned home. But Jonah was a sensible man and now that we had released some steam in that earlier squabble, I thanked God he didn’t keep sniping at me and forwent trying to lord the fact that he ‘knew my history’ over me. I could see that he genuinely tried not to reveal that his ex-lover had told him my secrets.

I for one had already filed the information that they had talked about me even more than I had known under the umbrella that Urs had talked about earlier. Yes, there had been some loose lips but he promised that he wouldn’t do it in the future. I could live with that.

Finally we found one thing that we are both familiar with and that was southern churches. Yes both Jonah and I had experienced those bastions of righteousness. I wasn’t at all reluctant to talk about that.

“Yes, all ten of us had to go every Sunday, but my parents stayed at home. I think it was the only time that they could get any rest from us,” I had giggled, the wine having taken its toll. “You can see that being forced to go to church did us a great deal of good. Two of us end up in a … well I can hear the preacher calling it a ‘house of ill repute’. He was a fire breathing devil himself but not everyone knew of his hidden side.”

“We had the same thing in Arkansas,” Jonah told me. "The difference between us is that the men in our church knew that we had a thing going on. It was a good way to get women. They’d get the Holy Ghost and move around in their seats and we’d rush over to help hold them, some of them were quite an armful if I must say so myself.”

I think Urs was pleased at our sudden amity. Whenever I glanced over at him sitting there listening to us with a contented look on his face I could tell that he thought that his little experiment was going well. It was. I had almost {definitely and irrevocably} made up my mind to marry him.

“I am amazed by your irreverence.” Urs spoke and when he talked, I went into the watcher mode. I surreptitiously watched how my future husband interacted with Jonah. I could see that Urs had what my minister would call a ‘sin-covering-eye’ towards Jonah.

I learned in bible study that often one views the actions of a beloved through more favorable eyes than one did the rest of the world. Thus you were willing to see them in the best light and would forgive them more than you would others. I could see that it was this way with Urs towards Jonah.

Throughout the rest of the evening I noticed that Urs laughed at Jonah’s words and looked at him fondly. Jonah had the same ‘soft’ looks for Urs.

I was seeing before me an emotional attachment in action.

Their period of physical intimacy might have been over but I could see that Urs had been truthful when he said that they loved each other. Neither of them had exactly those same kinds of looks for me. Yet, they obviously appreciated me as a woman.

There were some things that I could not yet determine. I could not tell the degree to which Jonah would be jealous. Right now he would only admit to being conflicted but I knew that he had not yet been made truly jealous because Urs and I were still virtually strangers.

How would he react once Urs started sharing those fond looks with me? I was determined that he would. He might never come to love me as he did Jonah but I would have him to myself a good deal of the time and I would work to make fondness and appreciation a part of what he felt for me.

Besides, I was female. If his assertions were correct, and I believe that he was as truthful as he knew how to be, he loved Jonah only for the Jerusa that he could find in him.

Well, I might not have been his Jerusa but it would be easier for me to conjure up her ghost just by being naturally female than it had been for Jonah.

I caught myself. I suddenly realized that I was already scheming as to how I could usurp the affection that exists between Urs and Jonah. I knew I’d have to bring this kind of thinking to a halt. It would be unfair to both of them. This was not the job that I was being hired to do.


Yes, it was a hiring. My job description was clear; to cater to Urs needs. My salary would be a leisurely and more enriched life. Tonight had been my first face-to-face interview. I knew that in spite of any dream that Urs might have had, if I had entered his home and participated in a big ruckus with Jonah, Urs would have dropped me.

On the trip to take me back to my apartment that I shared with Robin, Urs asked me, “How did it go? Can you co-exist with Jonah?”

“I find him to be easy going like you and surprisingly honest. But I think your apartment, though large, is way too small for the three of us.”

“Oh I never thought that we would live together. At first Jonah and I had planned to buy a large place, he was going to open his studio there and we’d live on a second level but that has all gone by the wayside now. You and I can get our own home, and perhaps, if he wants, Jonah can take over my apartment. How does that sound to you? Later if he still wants the studio, he and I can make that decision.”


“It’s beginning to sound better and better. Yes. I am sure that he and I can get along if I don’t have to live under the same roof with him.”

“Then let’s not wait. How does next week sound to you? I am dying to have you by my side. I thought we would keep it small, just the two of us and your sister of course if you want her there.”

“And when would we move into our own place? I think we should have it before we have the ceremony. Or, if it takes too long to get our own place, you could have Jonah move out just until we have a place to be alone in together. That shouldn’t hurt his feelings. He knows that I won’t want to be a wife with my husband’s old flame hanging around.”

“I suppose you’re right. I’ll propose it to him when I get back home. I’ll see what he says.”

“If he says ‘no’, we can wait.”
I realized that it was a subtle ultimatum and wondered if Urs recognized it as such. It only took a minute for me to see that he understood it.

“Because of the dream Gay, I am sure that you are the woman meant for me and because I don’t want there to be a lot if infighting I’ll accommodate your wishes. Do not think that I do so because I am weak.”

Ouch. He didn’t like my ultimatum but will go along with it. Then he complemented me to sooth the little jab.

“Frankly I think I am lucky to have found a woman so understanding and easy to get along with.”

When he pulled up to the apartment he waited only a few seconds before pulling me into his arms and kissing me. “Your lips are so soft and plump you are just what I need” he practically groaned. “I have yearned for this and I’m glad that soon you will be mine.”


I didn’t have a response to this declaration of need. We’d have to see how long those feelings lasted.

My sister was home when I walked in. Urs had seen me to the door and but had turned down my offer to come in. I thought that he might be a little reluctant to be in the company of both his bride-to-be and the sister whose bed he had shared.

I didn’t blame him but what he didn’t know was that the ‘lay’ had meant about as much to my sister as eating a hamburger. She remembered it and had enjoyed it but she had so many clients until she was fairly jaded and thoroughly sick of men.

Still, Robin did remark on Urs now and then. She had been impressed, which was saying something for Robin. She said that he was definitely a thoroughbred, meaning that he knew just what to do in bed. From my sister’s point of view these men came few and far between. Most were barely aware. She called them cave men. They thought only of themselves and even in pleasing themselves they were inept.

According to Robin they were not connoisseurs of lovemaking they were gluttons. They were pigs at the trough and a lower order species. That was Robin’s assessment of men.

That was why when I told her about the proposal of marriage that I had received from Urs I was surprised at her response. You see until recently I had not mentioned it to anyone simply because I had been unsure that he was serious.

It would have been too cruel of a joke for me to tell someone, mainly my sister and then find that he was just toying with me. After all, how often did a fine upstanding single man propose anything but a sexual rendezvous to an exotic dancer?
Robin thought it was probably a good idea for me to go ahead with the deal.
“If he is serious, make him sign a prenuptial. That way, when you find out what is wrong with him, you will be able to get what you agreed upon from him. And don’t get greedy and try to break him. If you leave it to the courts he’ll just smear your name, try to paint you as a whore and not give you one dime.”

“Oh, I already know what is wrong with him. He has a live in lover and I met him tonight.”

“Oh a him! And he told you? Why does he need you then? For cover up, to conceal that he’s gay?”

Neither I nor my sister are homophobes. It made no difference to either of us if his lover was a man or a woman. Both of us women knew that either a man or a woman could be a deterrent to me forming any quality relationship with Urs; that is provided I wanted to.

“Well it’s not children. He almost came out of his shoes when I told him that I wanted to have at least two.”

“You said that? I don’t know why you want the little critters; mamma had enough for both of us. I don’t understand you Gay. Why would you want to go and tie yourself down to snotty-nosed whining brats? I hope he told you no.”


“He said that two would be fine. As to why he wants me, the guy is superstitious. He had a dream a few years back and in the dream he fell in love with a certain woman and he looked for her for years. He finally found her, he thinks, in this man that he lives with but he likes to have sex with women. He has promised to leave off the sex with his boyfriend for me. But, and this is the strange part, he is still in love with the guy and he has no plans to fall in love with me.”

Robin by nature was cynical and her profession made her more so. “Then that’s good. The last thing a woman needs is for a man to be in love with her. When they think they are in love they start trying to control a woman, you know how papa was before he got so old. His way was to keep mama pregnant and tucked away at home so that no other man could see her. The next thing you know is that they want to beat you for no reason. This way, if he doesn’t love you, you can have your cake and eat it too.”

“Lydell wasn’t like that.” Lydell had been my husband. We were the same age; he had been killed in Iraq several years ago.


Robin answered harshly. “Lydell Hudson was a boy! He was still on the damn turnip truck. If he had come back to Tyler, he would have turned out to be just like papa and his own dad. They were both tyrants and Lydell was dumb enough to admire them.

“When the Pope comes to a country he gets down on his knees and kisses the ground. You should have done the same thing when Lydell got himself blown up. Instead you go and lose your mind. You’ve got to toughen up, be more like me.”

“Come on Robin, have a heart.”

“So when are you and ‘Big Brown’ hooking up?” Robin asked.

“Big Brown? Why are you calling Urs that?”

“I told you he’s a thoroughbred. Don’t you remember that was the horse that broke his leg, they had to put him down or else he would have won the triple-crown back in Kentucky.”

“Oh. We decided that we need to be out of the house where he is living with his friend, we’re going to buy a place and the friend is taking over the apartment.”

“Who’s his friend? Do I know him?”

“You know everybody. He’s the guy with the nice blue eyes. I think you spent some time in the back with him didn’t you?”

“Hey I do remember him. Yeah they’re not lying. Both of those guys really like women. I don’t think you have much to worry about from your Urs, not if you halfway do your job.”

“Perhaps I won’t have to worry physically, however I think they do love each other. It’s an emotional attachment based in a past association.”

“What does he expect from you? If he doesn’t want you to love him, over and above the obvious, which is sex, what else does he want? I think you had better find that out don’t you?”

I agreed with my sister. In fact, all afternoon before going to work I thought about what I hoped he would say when I asked him what he expected. I knew that most likely he hadn’t put his thoughts into words, not exactly, and that I’d better have an idea of what I wanted him to want before he solidified his thoughts. It was sort of like a lawyer never asking a question to which he didn’t know the answer.

I knew it was for lovemaking or to be more specific, sex. But what else could his underlying motives be? Could it possibly be for publicity? Could he need the marriage because he had tired of the world speculating about his relationship with Jonah and he wanted to make a statement to put those suppositions to rest?

Was it for his family? Were they beginning to suspect and putting pressure on him to take a wife?

I knew by his reaction it was not for children. He had reached adulthood and beyond and had never had the need to procreate with any of his other girlfriends. And he had mentioned his women, just to let me know that Jonah was the first.

He said it was for a woman’s softness, her mothering qualities whatever that meant. Being an exotic dancer was not the picture of motherliness that I would have conjured up but still, I was extremely glad that he was fair minded and that he didn’t think of me as dirty and used.

I knew that many of the men who came to watch me thought they were better than I. They looked down on me even while they enjoyed what I did for them. That attitude was even more pronounced regarding my sister in the back.

So with those thoughts in mind, that of asking for the real truth behind the obvious, I pulled out my cell phone and called him which was a first.

“Urs, I need to talk to you when you have time. I have a few more questions of my own for you.”

**

CHAPTER 41

(Gay)

“I have been thinking Urs.”

I started the conversation when we met the next morning over breakfast at a local café. He was having coffee and a bear claw and I hot chocolate with cheese blintzes. {See what I meant about my sister Petra envying my ability to eat anything that I wanted?}

Before I left home, Robin, just waking up, had come into the lounge and after doing a double take had looked me closely. “Why are you dressed like that?”

“Like what?” I knew what my sister was asking but I wanted to see how Robin would characterize my new style.

“Well, you look like one of those rich chicks who don’t have to catch a man with their bodies ‘cause they can do it with their money. You know, not showing them much but making them wonder what’s under there.”

“Thanks Rob. That’s just what I wanted to hear. Urs likes me to dress ‘con-ser-va-tive-ly’ so I’m all about giving him what he wants.” With that I was out the door to meet Urs, my suitor in a suit.

I started with my request. “I would like for us to place the terms of the marriage in a pre nup so that each one of us has a clear idea of what is required and will have a guide as to how to go along but also so that we know when the conditions are not being met.”

“Something like guidelines? Is that what you have in mind? You’re not going into this thinking that we will fail are you?”


“Look Urs. You told me that in the beginning you and Jonah had a verbal agreement; I am asking that we place ours in writing that’s all. Seventy percent of marriages fail today and they are built on stronger ground than ours will be. Most of those folk are in love.”

“That’s true” He admitted. “They think that they’re in love until they think that they are not in love. Marriages built on love are much weaker because for most folk, love is a fantasy. It’s a fairy tale that runs its course then reality sets in.

“Is that how you think of it?”

“Yes. They go into it thinking that each is perfect. Then she finds out that he is a grouch and he finds out that she snores. Then they wonder what happened. Prince Charming and Princess Perfect no longer exist but at just about the same time another perfect man or woman comes along that one of them wants, so it’s off for a trip to divorce court.”

“O-Kay Urs, we might not be in fantasyland. We might not think each other perfect. But still, I want to know what my responsibilities are. If you are expecting a silk purse and then come to think that I am really a sow’s ear, I think I should know just why you formed those opinions of me. If you tell me now I will be able to tell you if your expectations are unrealistic.”

“Make a list then so that we can agree and then remember what we’ve said.”

I had no paper so I took a napkin and wrote down the number ‘1’ and waited for him to list his wishes.

“I expect you to be faithful to me. I don’t need to worry about what you’re doing when we’re not together. I will reciprocate.” He clicked this off without thought so I know it is important to him.

“Not with Jonah?”

“No, especially not with Jonah.”

“Then I can do that too.”

“Good.”

I wrote down monogamy on my list as number one.

“Number two, sex four times a week except for when you’re incapacitated. No children for at least two years, I don’t want to have your attention directed away from me before then.”

“You’re selfish then?”

“Yes. I’m afraid that I am.”

At least he admitted it. “Two years from the date we marry, we throw away the birth control.”

“No, one year and three months from our wedding date you may throw them away if you still want to. You’ll be able to hold a little crumb cruncher in your arms by our second anniversary date. Is that a deal?”

God this guy was very precise. I nodded and he continued.

“Number three. No drama.”

“Wait a minute. That’s number four. I rattled off the list, monogamy, sex four times, child by two years, no drama. "Let’s go back to the sex. Nothing kinky OK?”

“What’s kinky?” he laughed.

“I don’t know but if it gets weird, I’ll let you know. OK number four is no drama. Just what does that mean?”

“It means that I like my life to be quiet and to run smoothly. No creating arguments just for the sake of getting your way, no infighting with Jonah, no messing with my professional life. I don’t have any specifics but just like you will know kink when you see it, I will recognize drama when or if it happens.”

“You mean like giving unauthorized interviews?”

“That’s exactly what I mean.”

“And during the unauthorized interview telling everyone that I used to work at a gentlemen’s club? What if I don’t tell anyone and someone happens to recognize that that’s where I once worked?”

“I’m not ashamed of that. It’s just that there’s no use advertizing it. If it comes up, so be it.”

“Anything else for the list?” I dangled the pen over the five items while he jiggled his foot deep in thought.

I interrupted his train of thought. “I have one request. I’d like separate bedrooms.”

“No”.

I thought he sounded like a petulant little boy.

“Why do you need a separate bedroom Gay?”

“Because I need my privacy; I don’t know you. Look you have five requests to my one.”

“But you won’t lock the door will you?”

“I’ll leave it unlocked but if you are coming to visit me, let me know beforehand.”

“Let’s see.” And he counted them off using his fingers. "I’ll be your only lover, up to four times a week, no public arguments, separate bedrooms which means that you will live under my roof. What else?”

“If we divorce, I want two-hundred fifty thousand dollars and child support for the children, whatever the judge allows.”

“That’s not much money.”

“I don’t need much and I don’t aim to break you. I plan to take classes and if I do, I’ll be able to take care of myself. Besides you can always add to that amount if you see fit. Oh yes, you’ll have to keep your hands off me.”

“Hands off you?”

“Yes. My father is a wife beater. I won’t stand for it.”

“I’d never beat you.”

“He didn’t always beat. Sometimes he’d push my mother up against the wall, hold her in place by her neck while he ranted. She’d hang there and listen to him shout and curse until his arm got tired and …”

He took a deep breath. “Then we’ll say, I’ll never raise my hands to you in anger, how’s that?”

“And neither will I to you. I didn’t tell you that for you to pity me.”

“I don’t. You are the least pitiful person that I know. I am amazed that you are so level headed coming out of the background that you did.”

“After my husband was blown up, I received more than my share of therapy. Although I wasn’t deeply in love with him; by then the glamour of being just out of high school and married had worn off. Still, it was awful seeing him go like that, writhing and calling for his mother. It took me a while to get over that. I will always be grateful to Robin for rescuing me.”

“Why did you decide to do it? Take me up on my offer I mean?”

“It is an opportunity. I can see that I was going nowhere in that club but still I didn’t have the spunk to break the cycle, I didn’t know how to really. You opened my eyes to the larger world. I think I can learn a lot from you.”

“I was prepared to persuade you into it you know.”

“Ooooh? I should have held out you’re telling me? What would you have said to coax me Urs?” Business out of the way I felt like playing.

“I would have started with money of course but I don’t think money is your thing. If it had been you would have asked for millions not thousands.”

“If money had failed, what other lure would you have used? Clothes?”

“Not clothes. You could have bought them with money. No I would have used sex.”

“Whoa. You’re barking up the wrong tree again. I haven’t had a relationship since my husband was killed.”

“You admitted that you have been ill so that doesn’t count. Besides I would have bragged on my expertise. I would have whispered that I could make you climb the wall.”

I felt my cheeks redden but I stayed the course. “That’s nothing. I’d make you howl.”

He laughed out loud. He was learning little by little that I am not inhibited. He should have known a girl who could dance like I could wouldn’t flinch at a little frank talking. “We should be good together then.” was all that he said.

We left the restaurant and went to look at a house he had found in the paper. The ad had looked promising. It read:


LITTLE CHELSEA, BARNES LONDON
This property is a charming and deceptively spacious Victorian cottage, situated in the ever popular Little Chelsea quarter of Barnes. It is a beautifully presented Victorian cottage with larger than average accommodation..

The ground floor comprises a reception room, utility room/loo, large cloakroom, and large open plan kitchen-diner with direct access to a converted cellar and a south-facing landscaped rear garden. The first floor offers three bedrooms and a shower room & soaking tub. The property is well situated for access to both Barnes and Barnes Bridge mainline railway stations, and is well presented throughout.

I quickly translated the very British ad into American speak.

A two story home; on the first floor there was a living room, bathroom, kitchen and dining room with utility and bathroom. On the second floor there were three bedrooms, a bathroom and one shower. I’d have to see if the room with the bathtub was separate from the shower or not. Hopefully it was.

The back yard was landscaped and faced south. Oh yes. There was access to a converted cellar, what it has been converted to or from I could not tell. Evidently there is no garage.

This home sounded just about right. In our searching for a house, we had found that homes tended to either be very large or tiny. Perhaps if the three bedrooms were large enough, it would suit us nicely.

The home was lovely outside. It was a medium-sized brick cottage with a black wrought iron fence, sunny flowers, white trim and a bright black front door. I thought it quite stately.

We liked the house inside as well, especially when I saw that two of the bedrooms were connected with a Jack and Jill bathroom. And the shower was separate from the bathtub. I would have liked to have my own private bathroom but this was the next best thing. I supposed if we could share bodies with each other, we could share a bath.

Urs was eager to get the deal going so when I said that I liked this one he got the ball rolling. He said that we could be in the home as early as in three weeks.

That evening to celebrate the signing of the paperwork he took me out to a quiet supper club where we had dinner and afterwards we went into the lounge and ordered a drink. Urs was in a good mood. He smiled and gave me winky blinks and I was equally effervescent.

He was pleased not only with the house but with the deal that we had struck. He told me that he also liked the items that we had worked out for inclusion in the pre nuptial agreement.

Tomorrow we would go to a solicitor to have it made official. Things were moving along just as he planned.

I also found he had plans of which I was unaware. While we sat in our cozy booth he shielded my body with his broad shoulders and snuggled up to me in a way that he had not done before.

While I sat with my legs crossed he reached down and caressed the curve of my ankle. He let his hand ride up to my calf where he pressed my flesh with his fingers. He was silent and I didn’t object, but neither did I encourage him either.

Me, I was simply glad that my legs were newly shaved and smooth.



His hand drifted to my thigh, and finally I looked into his eyes. What I saw there made me think that he was preparing to say ‘Let’s leave this place’ but something that he saw in mine had given him pause. I thought he was coming to know me very well and that he respects my wisdom. I thought he was wondering if I was way ahead of him and calculating what I would say when he invited me to bed with him… tonight.

“What?” He questioned with a raised eyebrow.

I stayed silent.

Now I was conflicted. I thought I wanted him to stop but I didn’t voice any objections because it felt so good so, since he heard no protest he started up the hanky-panky up again. He slowly brought his hand from my outer thigh to my inner.

Still, I remained silent but I must tell you that I felt like squirming.

I knew that he took my silence for tacit permission and continued his journey onward until the lace of my panties formed what might have been a natural impediment but posed no effective barrier to him.

A dip of his nimble finger took him beneath the lace to his destination.

Without consciously willing it I uncrossed my legs which proved to him as no silence could have done that in spite of my ambivalence I now wanted him to continue.

His hand was so warm and gentle on me and I felt a tremor in the hand that was exploring me. I thought that his eyes might have dilated too in spite of the dark; if pleasure caused this reaction certainly mine must be enlarged too.

When he found the spot that he had searched for, I sat up straighter. He looked around casually to insure that we were still shrouded in shadow.

He began to circle me, slowly, softly, steadily while I tried not to let him know how he was affecting me, I thought I was failing miserably. In desperation my hand reached out and clenched my drink glass and I managed to lift it to my mouth and take a drink without drooling.

He thought that his ministrations were ineffective so he increased the pressure and speed.

He leaned in closer and looked at my mouth.

I knew what he wanted and I surrendered my mouth to him with a soft moan. The residual ice from my drink was warmed by the heat of his mouth. Not only had I yielded my body to him but my mind too. I was like butter in his hands.

He timed the movements of his finger with the dueling of our tongues and I offered no resistance when he placed my right leg behind him on the seat of the booth and moved in closer to take me in his arms.
My barely audible cries were urging him on and I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t seem to keep from writhing in his arms. Mindless now, I knew that at this moment I was completely his and when I melted, I knew my heat and wetness flooding his fingers was the thing that caused him to moan low in his throat. “Ahhhh this is heaven”.

If he expected me to loll in the afterglow of my release he was disappointed. I couldn’t afford to. The shame of it all, how could I have allowed this stranger to make me lose control in a public place? I sat up, pushed his hand away, closed my legs and took back possession of my body.

“Let’s leave now? I have a room for us so that we can be alone.” He breathed.

I heard the urgency in his voice but I didn’t care.

“Don’t you ever do that to me again.”

“I didn’t hear that right Gay; I have pleasured you, what about that didn’t you like?”


“Look”, I decided to continue. I did owe him an explanation. “You made a bargain with me; my body in exchange for marriage. I don’t want to hear any more talk about us going to a room or even being alone until you deliver your end of the bargain.”

**

CHAPTER 42
(Gay)

That didn’t sit well with him.

“Wait just a minute. What’s gotten into you? You made all of those promises this morning and now tonight, you don’t want me to touch you?”

To tell the truth, it was not because we hadn’t yet married. I trusted that he would keep his word, besides, if we made love and he ditched me, what have I lost? I decided to be more truthful simply because lying was not a good way to start.

“I’m following your lead. You told me that you want sex but not love which means that you don’t want to love me or for me to love you. So what are you trying to do to me? What do you think is going to happen if you keep fingering me? Making me feel things that I haven’t felt in a long time, making me call out your name? How long do you think I can remain uncaring with that kind of treatment? If you think it doesn’t affect me you’re dreaming. So if you want a drama free life, then satisfy yourself and leave me to me.”

My admission that he had a powerful effect on me mollified him. Bah, men and their egos. His voice became soft again. “I wasn’t talking about that kind of drama. It’s ok if you love me. I won’t object.”

“Perhaps not now but you’ll object when I become possessive and verbally brain your boyfriend or otherwise hurt his feelings. How would you feel about that? You can’t have it both ways. You can’t be attached to him even if is only emotionally and have me attached to you that way. So … if you know what is wise, you’ll leave me be. I’m fond of you; we get along well together but don’t make me fall in love with you.”

“Just this morning you were saying that you’d … what is it; make me yell or something like that. What happened to you singing your own praises?

“That was about you. I said nothing about me. I can give you what you want but I can’t do it if you try to make me love you. It just wouldn’t be fair to me. A woman who’s in love with a man can’t be detached or objective. Look. This is for my own protection as much as for anything. You made the rules, now you have to follow through on them.”

“Can we have a life together if you are unemotional about me?”

“Of course we can; and a happy one at that. We come together on the things that we’ve agreed to be together on and the rest we leave at the door.”

He seemed to bow to my wishes. Perhaps I did feel disappointed that he didn’t pursue me but when I thought about it, it was for the best. I did not want to love him.

We spent the next three weeks picking out furniture for our home. That was a happy time for me.

One day when Urs was at work I found this sofa that I really thought I must have. I called him on his mobile phone and even though I had his card to purchase it with, I thought I’d better get his buy-in before I furnished the lounge.

“So do you like it Gay?” He had asked. Then, “If you do, then get it, I trust your judgment.”

To have his trust gratified me. I believed I had progressed a bit from the gold lame days but to be sure I was being appropriate, I talked with the store’s interior designer to get her opinion. And to insure that she would not give it a thumbs up in order to make a sale I chose several and asked her the pros and cons of each one. She too chose ‘my’ sofa and helped me pick accessories such as the tables, and so forth.

The style for today was to get things that didn’t really belong in a set. In my mother’s home, back in Tyler, the one time I had helped mama pick out furniture we had gone to Wards and purchased a five piece set. Sofa, love seat, and three matching tables, coffee and two end. And the lamps had been thrown in for free. Mama left those two lamps covered in the original cellophane for years.

The furniture that I bought was completely different. Each piece not so much matching as complementing. Out of my purchases, the piece that I liked most was of dark wood. It was a low table but padded in fawn and deep brown and it was large and square. It would serve as a table or a hassock. When the designer and I finished I knew that our lounge would be stylish yet subtle enough for Urs tastes.

He was home on the day that the furniture was delivered. At first he looked at it as if he couldn’t believe it. I thought he didn’t like it at all but no, that had nothing to do with it. It was, he later told me, the very same sofa that Jerusa had furnished his apartment with in his dream.

I asked him if having it made him sad.

“On the contrary, I feel that you and I are on the right track. This sofa is just a sign that we are moving in the right direction.”

On the day before the wedding we moved in. I was thrilled to be in my very own home. It was worth marrying Urs just to live here. It was my first real home. I didn’t count the house that I had lived in with my parents. It was just that, a house. There was very little love and no peace could be found there.

Nor could I call my sister’s apartment home. Robin had already been ensconced in it when I arrived. I had used Robins’ furniture and had been glad to get it. I made the best that I could of my room there and had been grateful for it, but this house, Urs and I had picked out each piece together. It was ours.

Our ‘Jerusa’ sofa we placed so that we could sit before the fireplace on cool evenings. In the remaining rooms we had chosen comfortable furniture, the dining room table was square, and could sit eight comfortably but would expand to accommodate fourteen. Urs had questioned why I wanted so much room and I had explained it was incidental that the table accommodated that many; I just liked that particular piece of furniture.

We chose matching sleigh beds for our separate bedrooms and completed the furnishings in those two rooms with modern furniture. The additional bedroom we made into an office that both of us could use.

Our wedding was of a small civil ceremony. We met up at high noon. My sister Robin came and managed to look inconspicuous. Robin later said that she was taking my advice and trying to learn to dress more conservatively. After all, she didn’t want to be recognized when she was away from work.

I was quite surprised when Jonah showed up at the courthouse. Urs had said that Jonah thought it would be painful to watch even though we both had his full support. But he came and he looked so handsome. He did not come alone. With him was a petite brunette whose hair was almost the color of his and who identified herself as Ravenna.

It was clear that he hadn’t mentioned anything to her about our connection to him, she was too openly friendly and there were no undercurrents of suspicion or watchfulness.

I tell you, I did look at my husband-to-be rather closely. I needed to know that he was prepared to move forward and he assured me that he was ready.
In less than an hour we were pronounced not only man and wife but life mates.

When the clerk said those words I looked at Urs and he nodded. Yes, he had asked that those words be included. He considered this a permanent arrangement.

Somehow I felt reassured by this gesture because I admit I had just begun to have butterflies and they were not the good kind. I was wondering what I had gotten myself into and even more importantly would I want to get myself out before the month was out.

With so few guests we had decided to forego having a reception. Instead we had a dinner party. There were eleven of us; the Divo’s and their wives Kay, Carmelita and Michelle, my sister Robin, Jonah and Ravenna, and Urs and I. Not a huge group but large enough to secure a private room at a lovely restaurant.

I was so glad that I had increased my comfort level with eating in a more formal setting. I had mastered the silverware and glasses, now I had to start working on conversing. The trick seemed to be to talk about everything and nothing, just keep the persons who were nearby comfortable.

I was surprised to see that Robin was keeping an eye on me and mimicked what I was doing. That girl was a fast learner. Perhaps there was hope for her if she could sever her ties before what she does for a living became evident on her face.

I couldn’t tell by their actions if the Divo wives knew that I as an exotic dancer. I presumed that they knew about Jonah and Urs because they were very friendly towards me. I couldn’t help but feel that some of their good will came because I was less of a publicity threat to their husbands’ careers than Jonah. I didn’t think it was widely known outside the circle that they were more than friends. My presence in Urs' life would assure that it never became an issue and if anyone questioned it, I would swear that it wasn’t so. This I had not said to Urs nor had he asked me to but since I have become his wife, I am prepared to defend him with my life if necessary. That is just what a good wife does.

I looked over and Jonah and Ravenna were chit-chatting. I couldn’t help but think that this girl was too young and naïve for him. But then, I suppose he would do what he would. For my own sake I couldn’t help but wish he’d find a woman who could keep him interested in her. I thought that if he was occupied, there would be less pressure for both men to cling to the bond that exists between them.
**
(Jonah)
‘Gay River Hudson nee Buhler wasn’t sure how she felt about me showing up. Most likely she feared that my presence would take some of the attention away from her special day.

I'd promised myself that I’d not come here but I did. Why had I deliberately sought pain?

As the time drew near, I had a change of mind. After all it was not like this marriage of Urs’ was a love match. Their marriage was compromised by the nature of it, being entered into for a specific purpose and that purpose was not for love.

If she thought that little fact would change, that the purpose of their marriage would turn from convenience to love, she was mistaken and if she saw me as the person who would usurp any chance she had of receiving her husband’s love she’d be better off if she revised her opinion of me. I was not the one who stood in the way, Jerusa was. It was she that Urs loved and that wouldn’t be changing in the near future.

She’s beautiful, I’ll give her that. Her looks were the kind that were very attractive to a man. With her strawberry hair, merry eyes, and curvaceous body she was quite eye catching. But it was not the looks that I feared would win him over. Did I say fear? I suppose I do in a way. After all Gay will be right there in his arms every night while Jerusa is but a dream.

Gay was a formidable woman although she might not know it yet being as she was until recently, a bit rough around the edges. She had just the temperament that Urs loves. She won't be too strict on him but yet she’ll be caring. Even now while I watched she was touching him. He loved to be touched. And because he was so reserved, few people knew that he had a need to be touched but I knew. It’s just that he wanted to be touched by a woman.

He also liked to laugh and Gay made him laugh. Her humor was just raunchy enough for him and she kept him guessing about what she was going to say.

Ravenna was not for me. She was too timid, too retiring, and too young. For some reason my eyes drifted to Robin, the sister. A man would have to be a fool to try to have a relationship with a whore … I mean how could he ever trust her? But she did have some of the same qualities in her that were in Gay. I wonder … how would one go about getting Robin’s attention, if one meant to court her and not buy time in the back room?

A few minutes of thought told me that I should treat her just as I would any other woman. First find out what her thoughts are and if they are in any way compatible with mine.

I think with a woman who has a past like hers, it was remarkable that she hadn’t given in to the easy way of living in a drug fogged haze.

A superficial observation that I have made is that she was not in love with what she did but with her it is about the salary she could make. I would think that if she could be presented with options, ones where she could be as prosperous, she might give it up.
It was an intriguing thought but she might just be a diamond in the rough like Gay seems to be.’
**

CHAPTER 43
(Gay)

After we left the restaurant the party disbanded so we could, as Carlos said, have some ‘newlybed’ time together.

“It’s newlywed Carlos.” David had corrected him.

Seb had answered, “Overlook him; he knew exactly what he said. He speaks English better than he lets on.”

Then the Divos, who in some ways knew each other better than the rest of us, got off on how the new bed needed to be tried out and approved for future use with each volunteering to come, with his wife, and give it the seal of approval.

Finally we got rid of them, or as my grandfather would say ‘we’re finally shed of them’. Urs escorted me home in the late afternoon just as the sun had begun a deep descent into the evening hours.

I was thinking of bringing out the glasses so that we could make a toast to our bargain when Urs announced: “I’m going out for a while.”

He surprised me with this pronouncement.

Where did he have to go on our wedding evening? I forgot about the wine and walked into my bedroom and shifted to putting my underwear away in a drawer just to prevent myself from calling him on it.

Thinking that I had not heard him he had walked into my bedroom but stopped at the door.

“I’m leaving.”

Still I didn’t ask him what I wanted to ask which was, ‘Where the hell are you going?’ Being with my father and mother and their fights had taught me that a man definitely doesn’t like to be asked that. So I kept my peace.

He turned to walk out and perhaps considered that he owed me some kind of explanation for he turned back and let me know that he was going to see Jonah just for a short while. “I’ll be back before long. I have an obligation to make sure that he is doing all right with this.”

‘This’, I presumed, was him now being married to me.

I watched him leave; he got into his vehicle and drove off. I was outwardly calm but inside a rage such as I had never known rose up in me.

Every curse word that I had ever learned or dreamed of learning came to the forefront of my mind and I could believe that I was my father’s daughter for today, I have his temper.

‘If he wants to be with that jackass, let him go there, I don’t care. **** … him. **** them both.’ At that moment I got a peculiar pleasure out of saying the F word too and I said it with force and gusto.

Without further thought I went into his bedroom, grabbed up a whole armload of hangers and clothes, some of them quite nice, and taking them to the back threw them out into the garden where they lay on the ground looking eerily like disembodied phantoms in the fading light.

I returned for the shoes, boots, and even a motor cycle helmet that was sitting on a top shelf.

There, that helped some. I went into my bedroom, the separate bedroom that I had insisted on, and sat on the bed. I could feel the stream of anger as it rose up and threatened to blow up again.

Time passed, about fifteen minutes I guessed, and I began to cool off. With the cooling off came reason.

"Isn't this exactly our bargain? Hasn't he been honest with me? His first love and first priority is Jonah! Why am I surprised? Why am I angry?"

I knew that if I kept to this course of resentment and anger I would defeat any good that I hoped to create in this marriage.

“The truth is that I have goals too. God, please don ‘t let me forget that.” I had met Urs, had seen his lifestyle, the glamour, the easy grace, sophistication but also the down to earth practicality with which he lived his life and I wanted to learn to become comfortable in that world. I wanted to be as self assured as he. I wanted to know that I could mingle with any of the people of the world and know what to say and do and feel comfortable in the doing of it. Most of all I wanted to cover up the patina of dance hall girl.

I suffered no delusions that I was actually worse than the society women with whom he brushed shoulders. I knew that we were all of the same cloth except they knew how to up-market themselves. They were in many ways like the laundered drug money that flowed so freely in Texas.

I still don’t think that the marriage will work, how could it? He’d go back into an intimate relationship with Jonah and I’d leave. He could not have us both and I think that Urs was just honest enough to tell me if he tried. But while I waited for the lure of Jerusa/Jonah to pull him back I’d put this life with him to good use. I’d learn how to live the gentle life. I’d not come out of it empty handed or headed. While I have no desire for his money, I do want his style.

With that reminder of my self-made goals, my anger melted. I walked out into the garden, ah back yard, and retrieved his clothing. None of them were really harmed, a bit of dew on the top pieces, the white shirts a bit wrinkled but I could fix that later.

I hung them back in his closet and closed the door. I then went into the bathroom to see to my toilette.

I was not a lover of perfumes but I did love body lotion. It was light and fragrant without overwhelming the senses. So I took a long shower, slathered lotion on my body, brushed out my damp hair and donned a sleep shirt and shorts. If he wanted me in fancy gowns and robes he’d have to let me know. I liked to be comfortable in bed and not fancied up.

I found my current novel {I always keep a book going} pulled back my beautiful new bedding with its 700 thread-count sheets, admired my recent pedicure as I flipped on the bedside lamp and got into bed to read until he returned, that is if he did return tonight.

I got up again to close my door. I had promised that I wouldn’t lock it; I hadn’t said that I’d keep it ajar in some pathetic parody of a true wife welcoming a husband home. ‘There, that feels better’. Now he was free to enter if he wanted, or stay out. The choice was his.
**

Urs never moved too quickly and he had quietness about him that here-to-fore I had found soothing. In fact, the very way he had of giving consideration to each word that he spoke was one of the things that caused me to have confidence that what he said was true. There was no way that I would have hooked myself up with a man had I not trusted he’d keep his word.

He did not betray his nature as I knew it when he returned home an hour later. I heard the key turn in the lock, a sound with which I would become familiar over the coming months and a light and neat tapping of his shoes as he made his way upstairs and into his own bedroom.

In spite of my desire to remain calm, my heart rate speeded up only to return to normal when I heard the shower and then his voice rising over the water in a sort of serenade that attested to his mood. Seeing Jonah must have left him in a good frame of mind.

In due time the sounds coming from the shower ceased and all was quiet. I picked up my book and began to read only to realize that I was looking at it from an upside-down perspective and I hadn’t even seen the need to turn the page since he had come home.

He opened my door and smiled when he saw me awake. “Good, you waited up for me. I was hoping that you would.”

It was as simple as that. He made himself welcome. He took the book from my hand, placed it on the nightstand and turned out the lamp. He entered the bed from my side forcing me to scoot hurriedly to make room for him. He acted like he owned me; that I came with the house like the electricity and water perhaps.

His characteristic quiet and tranquility he stripped when he discarded his towel and reached for me. I found that his gentleness had not deserted him as his eased me out of the shirt first and then the shorts.

“God you smell good.” His voice shook. Hearing his quiver gave me back my confidence and I took his head and brought it to my chest where once there he buried his face in my softness.

I marveled at his enthusiasm, he nipped me and suckled me until I felt my nipples swell in response. He felt them swell and he groaned his appreciation and increased his efforts.

This was not the man that had lain with my sister. Robin had described him as proficient and experienced. She had in no way hinted that he had been like a kid in a candy store.

Perhaps he had no facade to maintain with what he now considered ‘his woman’ whereas with a paid companion, he had been on guard.

Whatever the reasoning was I yanked on his hair to call a halt to it.

“I told you,” I reminded him, “I don’t want you to give me pleasure. Just get on with pleasing yourself.”

“More of that nonsense about not wanting to fall in love with me?” Passion had roughened his voice.

“It’s not nonsense. I will come to love you if you keep making me feel the way you did the other night, the way I am starting to it feel tonight. Earlier I was angry with you just thinking about how you had your fingers in my … well you know where you had your fingers and then you couldn’t wait to rush off to be with him. So unless you want a lot of drama, keep it simple. Do what you have to do but don’t bring me into the picture.”

“I don’t know how not to ‘bring you into the picture’. I can’t enjoy myself if you are lying there thinking about what furniture you are going to buy.”

“You have no idea what I will be thinking about. Why don’t you just lie back and let me take over? I think I can make you forget that I even have a brain with which to think. Want to try that?”

Of course he did. What man in his right mind, especially a man who’s not in love with his partner would turn that down?

And so he lay back, hands behind his head, arms akimbo and placed himself in my hands.

Although I was not practiced, and didn’t know if I could deliver on my promises, I had been married for a while. Even though it was years ago and my husband had been as easy as pie and … I was not at all afraid to experiment.

I remembered my sister had said that after the first touches, which should be gentle, I should not to be too tentative. That many of her John’s said that they liked to know that they were being touched.

I remembered this advice from my sister and knew if he had loved Jonah, they would … well it was better not to think about that. I didn’t know what they had done but I didn’t want to think of myself as competing with that guy.

I also remembered that men had only two organs that mattered, their stomachs for food and their penises for sex. All of the rest was just there for show and foreplay.

I didn’t exactly believe that was wholly true. Urs seemed to enjoy kissing me, at least on the one or two other times we had kissed it had pleased him and he also had enjoyed having his hand on me that night but only until he found out that there was nothing in it for him.

So I started with kisses. I smoothed his brow and hair but quickly moved to his chest, paused briefly at each nipple, dark in the moonlight. He took a deep breath and I could see that he liked me taking the lead; he liked it a lot, so I continued.

I admit that I was doing some acting here. I had to in order to drown out the insistence of my own desire. I was voracious as I kissed him up and down his chest. Still, I merely used this to heighten his awareness of where I was headed. I knew that he could barely wait and in this case, I thought anticipation was a good thing.

Surely his breathing was growing faster and more shallow as if he had run a race. And were his toes curling? Of course they were. And his hands were restlessly lost in discovering if he could keep them from grasping me to him and taking over so that he could hurry things along.

I smiled while dark thoughts came to me. I was not a whore’s sister for nothing. I had the same DNA as my sister. I simply had chosen not to use my body in that way. But I had the skills and the timing. I thought that I could do a creditable job in bed and not to pat myself on the back too hard.

And I did do well, I did fine up until the moment when he took the lead back from me.

I hadn’t planned it that way. I had planned to bring him to climax with my mouth; a safe thing that would leave me in control of my body and my responses, but he wasn’t having that. He flipped me over effortlessly and entered my body. It was tight from a famine of usage and then instead of plunging to the hilt he slowed down, seemingly to savor each inch of flesh conquered.

Inch by penetrating inch he invaded my body and as he did so he groaned and I whimpered. And when he reached his goal I could tell, I was in grave danger of losing myself. Oh my God! This was going to the Fourth of July and New Year’s Eve combined.

And when I exploded, I was lost not only in feelings of ecstasy but also in feelings of love.
**

(Urs)
I should have trusted the dream that brought her to me. Gay River Buhler was perfection itself. Last night I was amazed at how well we, as virtually two strangers, fit together, at least in bed. The rest remained to be seen.

I had never been with woman who could send me out of my mind and make me laugh all at the same time.

She said that she was in danger of falling in love with me. I didn’t tell her but it was just the opposite. Even before last night it had occurred to me that danger lay ahead for me. I knew that it wasn’t love yet, but after only one night with her I kept getting these warm feelings whenever I thought of her.


Those feelings of tenderness for her started when I saw her dressed to perfection in an off-white wedding suit. She had brought herself from total ignorance about how to dress to a very fashionable woman; a woman of whom I could be proud.

When we spoke our vows her clear shining eyes were so direct, so sincere she made me want to be the best that I could be for her. She would be my wife in every way. She would be the mother of my children. The children that I had never wanted but lately have started to dream about. We would spend our lives together.

The thing that started as a purely physical desire for a woman’s body had quickly become much more than that and while I had not completely abandoned Jonah emotionally, I hoped he understood that even our days on that limited plane were numbered. I wished him the best. I think even had he truly been Jerusa and not a weird mixture of her and Jonah, Gay would have given her a run for her money.

Thank Gott the universe knew what is best. It had sent me ‘The Woman.’
**

CHAPTER 44

(Gay)

Six months after our wedding Urs and I were at a party, he was on quasi duty not to sing but to mingle in promotion of their latest album. From across the room I looked at him at exactly the same time he looked up. His eyes seemed to automatically seek me out. He looked at me with the most loving expression.

Yesterday he told me that me that loved me. I already knew that he did.

I returned his smile and he winked.

It had been a rocky six months but finally he was mine. How had I done it? Was it anything that I did? The only action that I could claim was that I allowed myself be completely who I was without subterfuge or guile.

When feelings of resentment against Jonah surfaced, I forced myself to acknowledge them for what they were, and I did not try to interfere in that relationship between my husband and his love. Oh the temptation was there to do little things; things that a woman always knows how to do such as eavesdropping on the phone so that I could create competing demands; creating little emergencies that would keep him home with me.

Although it was one of the most difficult things that I had done in my life, I managed to be cordial, even pleasant to Jonah.

And through a mighty test of my willpower there were no more repeats of the clothing incident. That had been the one time when I allowed my temper to have complete reign over me. From that one episode I learned that having a temper tantrum was very gratifying, especially throwing ‘F’ bombs around. No matter how liberating it felt letting all of it out by shouting, cursing and allowing my father to run loose in me, no matter the temporary satisfaction I gained, I knew such behavior was not productive to my cause.

You see I have learned that Urs is innately reserved. His curious combination of personal shyness and public bravado and the way that he makes one feel that he is holding back, is how he really is. He is not pretending.

When I toned down my persona, he ratcheted his up, meaning that when I didn’t shout or accuse, he opened up and disclosed. It was as simple as that. With him, less was more.

My learning process started on our wedding night and although I hadn’t quite known it at the time, on that night I embarked on the contest of my life.

Making love with him for the first time caused me to reconsider the request that I had made of him; that he be a selfish lover and make love for himself alone and leave me behind. On that night I came to the realization that I was fighting a losing battle. He didn’t have it in him to do that. To him the sex act was for our mutual enjoyment. He was very different from my first husband who had no problem at all pleasing himself and then falling into a drug-like stupor.

That one time told me that I could not win because after an hour in bed with him I was already half in love with him. That short time with him convinced me that I would have to make a change. Since I could not prevent myself from falling in love with him, I set out to make him fall for me. It was the second best solution.

I intuitively knew that if I set myself in opposition to Jonah, I’d lose. I would have to carve my own place in his heart. If I could do that, eventually the place that Jonah occupied I would fill.

At the onset I sensed my way. Like a blind man in a large room I acted and his responses determined my next move. I vowed that I’d always treat him with kindness and respect and not withhold my love. And as I’ve said before, I’d never allow myself to give in to the rage that made me throw out his clothes.

I learned that in spite of my newly found love for him, I could never cling to him. A clinging woman would cause him, and just about any man, to recoil. When I let go, he embraced me.

Never cling and never feel rage were the two ground rules that I made for myself and though it was hard, I stuck to them.

On that revelatory first night we made love so many times until when we finished, we were both worn to a frazzle but quite pleased with ourselves. I had teased him. {Keeping it light with humor was another ground rule that I incorporated soon after, adding it to the first two rules.}

“You asked for this four times a week. I think you only have one time left for the week am I correct?”

“What do you mean one time left? Tonight is only one time.”

“But that’s not what you said Urs. Our bargain was, and you were very clear, sex four times a week.”

“I said four nights a week.”

This bantering went on, both knowing that it didn’t matter what the bargain was, we’d be doing this often.

“Well, if I’ve almost used up all of my turns, I might as well use the last one.” And he had reached for me again, not having to reach far because my head was on his shoulder.

After that he never quite got around to sleeping in ‘his’ bedroom. He spent the night in mine and he has been there every night since. Now I would miss him if he left ‘our’ bedroom.

I learned more that night than that we were good in the sack. I learned that he liked to be teased. Mr. Appropriate temporarily disappeared when we lay in our cocoon and whispered what were almost secret conversations to each other.

You may wonder just what kinds of things I considered ‘almost secret’ conversations.

I had always been curious about the details of what Jonah and he did when they made love. I think any woman would be curious don’t you?

At first he had said that there was not much difference, there was really nothing to know but I had insisted. Oh, not on that first night but soon after.

And he gave me a blow by blow description, in fact he showed me and I must say it was not very different from what he and I do except, where he and Jonah never penetrated each other he does penetrate me and very nicely too.

In fact that is what he loves most about being with me. But after he shared that with me I admit that I felt less threatened and more confident that he could come to love me too.


And so the next time that we made love I created a game called. ‘Did Jonah do this?’ At first he had not wanted to play that particular game but as usual, I got my way in bed.

When I began the game I had to stage it just right.

Earlier that evening I let him ‘catch’ me coming out of the shower nude. Of course, since he had caught me by surprise, I had to run back in and lock the door and not come out until I was covered.

Later we played many variations of this game but the beginning I always staged. Sometimes it was just an accidental touch of my breast on his back, or I’d plop myself in his lap and lean in so that he could breath in the scent of my body or feel my hair on his neck or face. It didn’t take much. I think I got as much fun from the prelude as he did.

Later when we did make it to bed, I’d find that his anticipation had grown a thousand fold.

I came to know that the hottest hand job in the world is actually a ‘hands’ job. It is easy to be inventive when one is motivated. I’d use both hands to either caress his shaft and his head or perhaps make a ring around the base with two fingers while the other hand traced along his inner thighs.

It was not until I got to the oral moves that the game went into high gear. I had my own tricks, mostly supplied by my sister so I won’t bore you with a narration of those but I’ll tell you when I used them on my husband, and asked him coyly, although it is not easy for me to do coy, did Jonah do this? He couldn’t help but laugh even when he had only enough breath left to pant. I would say that he loved for me to be in command up to a certain point.

Oh yes. One other trick that I learned is that right before he bursts, I reach in and place my fingers between his sack and his butt and then push down and drum them into his skin. That really makes him lose control.

But these were all just tricks that any woman would use and I learned only to use them sparingly. I brought them into play when I had set aside a special recreation night for him. On those I neither wanted satisfaction for myself nor did I seek it. On those nights it was all about him.

But on other nights, nights when we were a loving couple with no tricks at all up our sleeves except to give and receive pleasure and of course love, my all-time favorite thing to do occurred immediately post climax when he was still too sensitive to be touched. I’d gently turn him on his stomach and drape my body over his and nuzzle my nose into his neck. He told me that it feels so soothing and provides a head to toe warmth. Fortunately for him, I don’t weigh a ton.

Sometimes I massage his shoulders or even his feet, but I must say, blanketing him with my body is my favorite.

But less you form the opinion that I brought him to me through sex alone I will reveal a bit more.

I kept working on myself, not just to please him but because I wanted to feel good about what I did; something that I came to realize I could never do while dancing in that club. Soon after the marriage, the next thing that I did was to teach myself to become a really good cook. I liked to cook and with practice I became even better at it. Since I had quit my job at the club, I found that I had time on my hand so I took charge of the kitchen.

And that wasn’t enough. I started a garden {a true garden not the thing that he called garden, which in my opinion is only the back yard.} I found that I loved to putter in the garden in the morning sun. The rich earth made me feel clean and somehow whole in a way that my trips to the psychologists had never done. I began to realize that this was the kind of life that I was made for but hadn’t dreamed that I could ever achieve.

Urs, seeing how engrossed I had become in my backyard project bought a stand of trees and he planted them to shield the part of the garden that I had planted. Together we looked at the yard with new eyes and on weekends, while I saw to my fruits and vegetables, he mowed the grass and set in paving stones that wound around the inviting benches that we had placed out there.

Emboldened with my success, I ventured to plant flowers along the crushed stone walkway. Soon, we had an inviting back yard. It was only natural that we’d go out there eat dinner or linger after dinner and watch the sunset together.

He was taking to the ‘cottage and picket fence’ life so readily I wondered if that had been the lifestyle that he really wanted, why had he picked a dance hall girl for a wife. Why not go after the fresh faced college grad that had majored in home economics? When I gave it some thought I knew the answer to that. A fresh-faced innocent girl would not understand his strange attraction to Jonah, nor would she have accepted it.

Who would have thought that the experienced sophisticate secretly longed for the family life? I could see that he was surprised by the pleasure that he felt when he came home at the end of the day.


He developed the habit of complimenting me, no matter what I put in the pots he said that it smelled good, then after washing his hands he’d go in and start setting the table, usually he also lit candles or placed flowers on it. Or if the weather was nice, he’d ask if I wanted to eat outside.

After a couple of weeks of this routine he added a hello smack on my lips to the routine.

Then it became natural that after dinner we’d sit and talk about what was going on in each other’s lives, he still had trouble accepting the ‘intrusion’ as he called it of the fans. I pampered, soothed and relaxed him. I said that he should set a time limit before each event, mark it clearly in his head the time that he would spend giving of himself. That it would be more tolerable when he could see that there would be a definite end.

“I had to do this when I danced Urs. Having all those male eyes on me brought me no enjoyment, yet I liked the money. So… in order to stand it I broke it down into minutes. That way the end was always in sight.”

In my spare time I studied fashion. Now this had nothing to do with him. My personal goal was to never feel shunned as I had that day in the restaurant. I could have asked for help but I wanted to develop my own style.

I learned that it wasn’t that one needed a lot of clothes; one only had to know how to put the outfits together. I became good at it. When I’d go out with him both personally and professionally I began to get compliments. A few folk wanted to know which shopping Mecca I liked best, Paris or Milan.

One day Robin paid me a visit. It was the first time since Urs and I married.

“You are a regular little Martha Stewart.” Robin teased when she came by and saw what we had done to the house and garden. She kept her visits to a minimum, always when Urs was away. In spite of my telling her it wasn’t so, she thought that there was no use reminding him that he was married to a whore’s sister.

“He seems to like the ‘Martha’ in me Rob. That surprised the hell out of me, but, we’ll see how long it lasts.”

“What about Jonah. Is he staying out of your life, out of your marriage?”

“Yes and no. Urs talks to him every evening on the phone. Sometimes Urs calls him and at other times, Jonah will call here and I know that when Urs is out of town he calls him. He doesn’t try to hide it from me.”

“Do you listen in?”

“I don’t have to. Urs sits right here and talks. They talk about ordinary things, the weather of all things, the news, just talk. Sometimes sports, sometimes … oh I don’t know. Jonah caught a cold and Urs asked him if he needed him to bring him anything.”

“But they’re not romantic or anything?”

“No. Urs promised me he wouldn’t be and I believe him. That’s why I never complain or say anything.”

“So you’ve given up. You’re just going to lie down and be involved in this threesome?”

“Oh not at all, I haven’t given up at all. I just know how to pick my battles. You could say that I am as excellent a General as Napoleon. If I would give him opposition, especially after I agreed to this situation, he’d bolt. So … I’m letting him think I’m satisfied.”

“But you’re not?”

“Never. I’m afraid that I’m a jealous hearted wench after all. And I love him. I went and fell in love. Can you believe that?”


“Would it help you if I went after Jonah? He’s not as persnickety as your husband. He might just be willing to overlook my background.”

“That’s a good idea Rob. But if you find that he’s beginning to really like you, let him go. I wouldn’t want Jonah to be hurt, that would really make Urs feel responsible for him and besides, over and above that, Jonah is a nice guy. I wouldn’t want him hurt for that reason. I just want him out of my life; out of our life. How about if I invite you both over for dinner soon?”

“I wouldn’t think you’d want to remind Urs of what I do for a living. I’m thinking of quitting anyway so wait a bit before you invite us, let me make a clean break and I can announce it, perhaps at the dinner.”

“You’re quitting the club too? What will you do?”

“I’ve been looking into it. I know a lot about the town, I put in an application for concierge at the Grand Hotel.”

“You won’t make the money that you now make.”

“I know that. But I have to start somewhere. Besides I have a good savings account. I think too that I’ll color my hair and change its style. I’m less likely to be recognized that way. And, I’ll get a new wardrobe. That’s what I need you to do. Help me to dress the part of the respectable woman.”

“Now that I will be happy to do. What color are you going to put in your hair, darker or lighter?”
**

So that was the story of our lives. There was one other thing. On our wedding night I said to him.

“You’ve broken all of your rules Urs. You said no babies for two years. It’s probably too late now don’t you think? But you don’t have to worry. I got an implant right before we married. It’s said to last up to five years. That’s more than we’ll need.”

He claimed to have forgotten. I didn’t understand how he, a grown man, up until today a bachelor, would have forgotten everything that he’d ever known about condoms or whatever he had used.

Whatever had gotten into him I soon found that he was not the same man that I thought I had married. No more closed mouth, keeping things to himself; he set a pattern of talk that went on non-stop. It was almost as if he had been waiting to have my willing listening ear.

So, since he was so open about himself, I reciprocated by making him laugh and play and in general loosen up. I thought it was a good thing for him to do and he seemed not to mind.

I made a bargain with him. If he wanted me on his arm, he needed to do some of the things that I liked to do.

“Such as?”

“Oh I don’t know. I’d like to do something that I haven’t done before. Maybe rock climbing.”

“Rock climbing? I don’t mind doing that. I used to do a lot of climbing when I was home. When and where?”

“We can do it at the gym.”

“Oh. Jonah and I used to do that.”

Clearly he had wanted to do the real thing. I who had grown up in the flattest part of Texas was not up for real climbing. But in the end, he did it my way. We went go to the gym and did the climbing before working out.

I also got him to go to cooking school. It was only for two evenings, not a full-fledged course. We practiced a French dish. It was there that I learned that Urs could speak French. How had that escaped me? I knew that he had a very precise way of speaking but I had never given it much thought.

Well, in class at the break he and the instructor were talking together and I watched Urs become a different person.

It seems to me that people speaking French, at least the real French speakers, talk with their hands of course as do the other romance language speakers. But with the French it is more than that. It is how they fix their mouths, and move their heads, very characteristic it is. At the wedding I had watched Sebastien and his wife Michelle speaking privately to each other across the room and although I couldn’t hear them, I knew that they were speaking French. This is what I observed Urs doing with the instructor.

After class I asked him if he was from France.
He had seemed surprised. “Here you’ve told me all about your background and I’ve told you nothing. No. I am from Switzerland. I’m from the part that speaks a dialect of German.”

“So German is your native tongue?”

“Yes, Swiss German and German. But we learned English in school. I learned French because it too is spoken is Switzerland so I’d been used to hearing it all of my life. I learned Dutch because I lived there for several years.”

“I’m afraid that I am language challenged.”

“Linguistically challenged?”

“Yes. I only speak English but then coming from Texas, I can almost speak Spanish.”

“You can? What do you mean by almost?”

“It means that many of my friends and my sisters’ friends spoke it so even though I haven’t studied it, I know what is being said and if it is being pronounced correctly.”

“Then you and I should study it together. Since many of our songs are in Spanish, it would help me tremendously to have you work with me on getting the pronunciation just right.”

“Pronouncing words in Spanish is easy. French is hard because the word looks nothing like it sounds. But yes. We can do this. I think it would be fun.”

Thus came another brick in the edifice of our lives together.
**

The next month we invited both Jonah and Robin for dinner. By then Robin had gotten the job as concierge and was doing well. She was on probation still but she felt that it was promising.
The evening was a lot of fun and amazingly relaxed considering that three of the participants in the room had had slept with each other. One wouldn’t have known it. They seemed to have forgotten all about that time in their lives. We played scrabble and did a lot of laughing. I watched closely to see if there was any spark between Jonah and Robin and there was. Robin was being especially demure around Jonah. Perhaps she thought that this was the way to pique his interest.

Later when I considered it, I never knew just how we got off on the subject of how Robin had become a prostitute. I think that Jonah just out and out asked her.

At any rate Robin told, and I thought touchingly so, that she had been pushed into it by one of our older brothers. This I had not known.

I was shocked. “Which one was it Robin, was it Pete, or Burroughs or Tyrone?

“It wasn’t like that Gay so don’t go getting upset. Tyrone had gotten himself mixed up with some ugly drug people and they were going to kill him, at least I think they were, so he traded my body for his life. It was small of him I know but I think a person will do almost anything to stay alive. I remember at the time I was proud that I could erase so much of my brother’s debt in just one afternoon. After that I could no longer blame Tyrone for what happened because I got greedy and decided to make it a way of life. I did what came naturally. I’m sorry now but you don’t know that you’ll be sorry until you are sorry.”

Everyone was quiet for a few moments, reflecting. “I’m just glad that I got off the streets and into the club. After that, the danger decreased tremendously. There, the only mishaps that cropped up occurred with the Johns.”

Jonah had asked. “What kinds of things were those Robin?”


“Oh, just little things, like one time one of the guys thought his penis had gotten broken. He ran screaming and nude out into the general area and the body guards had to bring him back to the back and summon a doctor for him.”

As you can imagine that story about the broken penis horrified both Urs and Jonah. “His penis broke? How did that happen?”

“I didn’t say that it broke, I said that he thought it had. He only had what the doctor called a tissue fracture, meaning that it was not in danger of falling off. Some blood vessels burst and some tissue ripped. It seemed to be quite painful.”

This revelation did not alleviate their shock “How did such a thing as that happen?” Urs asked, I knew that he, and most likely Jonah too valued their ‘John Thomases’ above all else.

“Well, I was not there, I mean he was not my customer but Holly said that they were just going at it, she was on top and I guess it slipped out just before she slammed down on him and it was in the bent position. He had to have surgery to repair it.

“But not all of the mishaps were men. There was another case where one of the gal’s vaginas became so tight that no one could get in. She was forced to get out of the business.”

“What happened to her?”

“Stress happened to her. She developed something the doctor called vaginismus, involuntary spasms of the pelvic-floor muscles that made penetration very difficult. She hated doing what she did, as did most of us and so her body rebelled.”

Robin had looked around uncertainly. She had tried so hard to separate herself of the image and here in spite of her new looks, stylish hair and clothes she had let her mouth drag her right back there. But Jonah hadn’t seemed to mind. He had smiled at Robin.
“I guess it’s not all fun and games like we men like to think that it is, is it?”

“No, it’s nothing any sane woman would want to do.”

That was all they had said but it had been brought out into the open. I couldn’t help but think that even if Jonah and my sister never said another word to each other she felt like she had been accepted for who she is and not rejected for what she did.

Later, isolated in our bed I ventured to bring it up the one subject that we so far had avoided like the plague.

“How will you feel if Jonah marries?”

Urs had sighed. “I hope that he does. Do you think that perhaps he and your sister will hit it off? Are you hoping?”

“Yes. Definitely, I am hoping. I must admit to you that I have wondered. Since we married, I’ve wondered how you feel about him now. Why do you hope that he marries?”

“Because I want Jonah to be happy. I don’t want to feel that I’ve ruined his life. I guess it is to take away my guilt for what I did to him. We loved each other because he is the reflection of Jerusa. Those things that are like Jerusa I loved in him but they were not enough. Now I find that even my love for Jerusa is not enough. I love you. When I think of a woman, I think of you. Jerusa was but a dream, Jonah a pale reflection of that dream and you are the real thing. They are my past, you are my future.”

“You made an album once, on it was the song. ‘The Winner takes it all’.”

“Yes, when two compete for the same person, one wins, one loses. One becomes the lover, the other, if they are lucky, the friend. You are both. You are my all. When I consider it, you too were given to me in a dream. You are my soul mate.”


I smiled but I didn’t reveal my joy. Who knew what tomorrow’s dream would bring? And because I didn’t know, I’d hold a little something back. Not my love, but something unidentifiable. I considered that he might just have fallen for the fun of the chase. In thirty years I would believe that I had triumphed.

**

Urs' epilogue next..

Final Chapter


EPILOGUE

URS' THOUGHTS

I never supposed that I would ever know why I had that period of lucid dreaming superimposed upon my routine life just as I would never fully know the dream’s ramifications.

I did come to understand the Ulrich bit. I was being haunted by things that had happened to him. He truly existed. Johanna was real.

But the second dream. The dream within the dream what was its purpose? I had my own theory about it. Believe it or not I thought it was all about preparing me for Gay.

Getting to know Jerusa as I had in the dream, how she struggled with
the PGAD, how she needed to find herself, made me understand that human beings were not born perfect. And so by the time I met Gay, I had changed from the arrogant chap that I had once been. Had I not changed, there’s no way that I could have accepted a dance hall girl into my life.

The second part, the part that I shared with Jonah, had a different purpose. Loving him taught me that love was not about form but about what the heart feels. It was also about letting go of arrogance and pride. I had to let my sense of self-importance go. I fully relinquished caring about what others thought of me, and let my heart speak to me.

Once I did that, our purpose for being in each other’s lives had been accomplished.

He was happy with the outcome. He did end up with Gay’s sister Robin. They never had children, neither of them really wanted them, but I tell you Robin was always crazy about our three. Yes, we had two little girls and a boy. Robin doted on them and Gay turned out to be an excellent mother, but then she usually was good at whatever she made a try at doing.

I know that we promised ourselves that we’d limit it to two but they were such lovely and precocious children how could we cheat the world from having what they brought to it? After having two, we decided to make it one more.

I, who had never craved children as much as women frequently do, found out that I was wrong. As I grew older I appreciated them more. My life would not have been the excellent and fulfilled thing that it has become without them.

Gay finished college. She needed to do that for her own self-actualization. Because I spoke to her in many languages, she now speaks fluent French, Spanish and German. That was another thing that she wanted to do.

She never worked outside our home. With three children who needed her, how could she? Besides I needed her too. I was always up front with her. I let her know that I was a selfish man and she believed me.

Fortunately for me Gay never had that ‘thing’, those low self-esteem feelings that made Jerusa feel she had to pull her own weight in our relationship. Gay was perfectly happy when we walked up to a counter and I pulled out my credit card and paid the bill. I could certainly afford it and I think she knew that I had a need to take care of my wife and children. Call me old-fashioned, but I enjoyed being the head of my family in that way.

When I was away from home travelling around the world, if Gay was with me we’d talk about our little cottage. If she was not, I’d picture her sitting with the children before the fire. Of course I knew that this was just an illusion. Gay was not sitting in front of the fireplace, she was off somewhere being active, perhaps having lunch with her sister, shopping, reading or working on the kid’s homework with them. It was entirely possible that she was counseling young women from Waris Dirie on the phone or practicing her old bump and grind dance. With that woman, one could never be sure.

As for Il Divo, yes, we stayed together. Away from work we see them and their wives socially as often as our schedules allow. We found that we didn’t mind being all together when our women were with us. All of them were lively women and they kept us on our toes with laughter of course.

Guess what? Il Divo was in a movie. No, none of us became actors but have you heard of James Bond? Well Daniel Craig who played agent 007 asked us to appear in a long scene which occurred at a performance to a packed house.

We, Il Divo, were the performers and we were singing away on stage when 007 walked into the auditorium and all hell broke loose.

There was shooting and swinging from stage props and so forth and when several of the bad guys tried to make an escape across the stage Il Divo went into action.

We joined the good guys in bringing them down.
**
Jonah and I did not become like brothers, not exactly. In fact he and I and my biological brother got together a few months ago when I took my family to Switzerland and the three of us went skiing together. Jonah and Robin had joined us there. Just the guys skied while the women stayed and did whatever women do.

My folk in Switzerland never knew that Jonah and I had history. To them he was just my buddy.

I would always have a fondness for him, especially when he gave me a look that particularly reminded me of Jerusa. I thought the feeling was like a fond memory, perhaps how one would remember a high-school romance. Acknowledge that it had occurred but with no real need or desire to bring it into the present or to have it again.

He told me that he and Robin got along well. He had hoped that she wouldn’t be jaded by her past and after they got to know each other well, she opened her heart to him like a flower. It took him a bit of time but he did it.

His business was going well also. He completed the four film vignettes that Jerusa’s dream presented him with and they were so successful that they led to an influx of business for him.

Regarding the FGM issue, the fight continues. Based on their history with their father, both Gay and Robin had an interest in all ways that men could take advantage of women and had given of their time and money to get the word out. They realized that it took time to change hearts and minds and to dispel superstition.

Last month the four of us, Gay and I, Robin and Jonah, attended a Waris Dirie fundraiser and the event that occurred in Jerusa’s dream materialized. Il Divo was asked to be top of the bill at an International celebration to showcase the foundation’s progress. The event would be occurring in about six months.

At preparation for this event I saw Ama. She had married Harm and they seemed very happy. He was helping her with her work with the foundation.

No, I never understood the dynamics of a dream that was part real, part fiction, part fantasy. I only knew that Jerusa prepared me for Gay who was to become my present and my future.

Life continued to be wonderful. I surrendered to it and continued to surrender. The Universe knew, even if I didn’t.

There was one last thing. “With you I’m Born Again’ had been my song throughout the length and breadth of the land with Johanna, Jerusa and Jonah. I now had a new one. It emanated from the dream that revealed that Gay was the woman for me. And like the other song it found itself into Il Divo’s repertoire of songs. It was called ‘She’.

That song portrayed the potential for success or disaster that was inherent in my dream of her.

Thank Gott we took the chance.



She
May be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay

She
May be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

She
May be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell

She may be the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell

She
Who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry

She
May be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I'll remember till the day I die

She
May be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough in ready years

Me
I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is
She


The End