*ANGELINA* BY: JENJEN

ANGELINA
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this is my second attempt at a fan fic, please let me know if you would like me to continue. xx

ANGELINA



My holiday journal

Day 1.

Well here I am sitting somewhere I have dreamed of being for so long.

I am sitting on the stone steps in St Peters square facing the fountain in the centre. The place I have dreamed of for so long, Berninis St Peters Square. The trouble is I cannot really see it because of these stupid tears that keep on coming.Why are you crying if you are where you want to be I hear you ask?



The answer to that is I should be sitting here with my boyfriend Shane; we have been seeing each other for just over two years and for the last year planning this trip.

Eight days in Rome, time to see all the sights, spend some quality time together before going back home to settle down together.

Well thats what I thought anyway. Three days before we were to leave I discovered he had been cheating on me with my so called best friend Ruth. They had been seeing each other for six months and I never suspected a thing until a mutual friend put me wise. Of course I did not believe him and told him he must be mistaken. That evening I told Shane what this friend had said, fully expecting him to laugh and say what rubbish it all was.

He didnt! He looked very shamefaced but then to my horror he told me he loved Ruth and had wanted to break up with me but was waiting until after our trip.So that was that. I have not seen or spoken to either of them since that day. Three days later I caught the flight and came to Rome on my own.

Hence you find me sitting here at ten oclock in the morning feeling very sorry for myself. My sketchpad is sitting unopened on my lap; my pencils are still sitting in my bag waiting to see the light of day.
Right enough of this my girl, pull yourself together, how many times had I said those words to myself now? Blowing my nose and wiping my eyes I glanced up to see a man staring at me. As he saw me look at him he began to walk towards me.

Oh god thats all I need some Italian guy who thinks he is Mr. Wonderful coming on to me. Quickly I gathered my things together and made my escape. I hopped on a nearby bus sat back and watched the city pass by. When the bus stopped at the Colosseum I made myself get off. This is what I came for; this to me is Rome, I have dreamed for so long of standing on this very spot looking up at the spectacular site before me. What sights these walls have seen. Finding a quiet spot on the grass I pulled out my sketchbook and pencils.

Take a deep breath Ange and forget about them I told myself, they are not worth your tears.

Soon I became lost in my escape world of art, I can shut out the world when I am absorbed in a project and thats exactly what happened today.


Thats very good said a male accented voice, you are very talented.Looking up into a pair of the greenest eyes I have seen, I scowled. Thank you and turned back to my work.

You are welcome; I believe that an artist must have encouragement to be able to continue in their chosen specialty.God is he for real? Heaving a sigh I looked up at him, this time recognizing him as the man I had seen earlier at St Peters Square.

Are you following me!

What? No of course I am not; I am merely seeing the sights and may I add really enjoying them, he grinned and let his eyes wander over me.

Well you can just buzz off and enjoy sights elsewhere I replied I am not interested in a holiday fling with an Italian lothario.To my annoyance he flung back his head and laughed loudly, Italian lothario he repeated and again collapsed in laughter. Kneeling down beside me he looked into my eyes (oh my god I hope I dont look as flushed as I feel at this point). Taking a deep breath he said firstly I would like to point out that I am not Italian I am French and secondly I am not sure what constitutes a lothario but I am sure I am not one.

Hi my name is Sebastien but please call me Seb he said holding out his hand. Reluctantly I took his hand (oh my god again, did I just get an electric shock?)

Ange I replied.

Ange? What is that short for, Angela?Here we go again I thought, no just Ange will do fine.

It must be short for something, let me guess, Angela, Angelica, Annabelle am I getting close?I shook my head, no and if you dont mind I would rather like to get back to this I said indicating my sketch.

Oh dont mind me I will be as quiet as the mouse

Day 2.

I dressed carefully chiding myself as I did so, after all its not as if it matters what he thinks of me is it? But I found myself picking out a pretty wrap skirt and t-shirt. Twirling in front of the mirror I smiled, not bad I told myself.
Just as suddenly an image of Shane came into my head and I flopped down on the side of the bed. God Im so confused, how can this man be making me feel so excited when I have only just broken up with Shane, I loved Shane didnt I? Well I thought so but this exotic French guy has me second guessing my self.

With a sigh I rose and collected my bag and camera and prepared to go down to the lobby to meet Sebastien. Keep your wits about you my girl I sternly told myself.
It was such a lovely morning I decided to wait outside in the sunshine. Fascinated I stood and watched as Rome came awake, with shops and eateries opening for the day. Delivery vans desperately trying to park their large vehicles in impossibly small spaces then just parking anywhere instead seemingly oblivious to the chaos building up behind them.

Deep in thought Cheri his voice startled me from my daydreams.
Oh Seb, hi, sorry I was miles away Oops there goes my tummy again; he is even more gorgeous today than I remembered. He is wearing light blue jeans and a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up over his forearms. Oh boy it should be against the law to look so good.
Ah dreaming of me I expect he said with a grin?
Willing my stomach to behave I looked back at him now why on earth would I be doing that I asked trying desperately to sound cool when I know for a fact I was blushing.
He just laughed back at me, come on, I dont know about you but I am starving, time for breakfast and grabbing my hand he began to pull me along behind him.
Are you always so bossy I asked him as I ran to keep up.
Um, oh sorry but you should know that a man and an empty stomach do not go well together smiling he slowed his pace to a manageable walk.

My poor stomach was not only flipping it was doing somersaults and I am sure I will not be able to eat anything and oh my god I wish he would stop looking at me like that. ( liar you dont want him to stop at all) ( oh yes I do. Ok, ok, I dont).

Suddenly he stopped and pulled me through a door to our left. I looked around doubtfully it looked a little run down and well slightly dingy.
Dont worry the food here is excellent, I discovered it the last time I was in Rome as we were talking a man wearing a spotlessly clean white apron stepped forward.
Ah Sebastien, it is a pleasure to see you again, and with a beautiful lady, please sit.. sit he was pulling a chair out for me as he spoke.

Now what can I get for you he asked peering at me over his spectacles?
Bowing my head I smothered the desire to laugh he looked just like the old fashioned baker in the story book I had read as a child. With his round tummy, glasses perched on the end of his nose, balding head and rosy cheeks it was as if my book had come to life.

Ange, are you ok, is something wrong asked Seb?
No Im umm, Im fine I managed to stutter. Lifting my head I began to reach for the menu, only for Sebs hand coming to rest on mine and stopping me.
Puzzled I looked at him. We do not need a menu; Phillipe will take care of us
Well Mr Baker beamed and waddled off to his kitchen. Declaring he would be back soon with our breakfast.
I watched him go then turned to Seb but he doesnt know what we want
It is an unwritten rule that Phillipe can tell by looking at a person what they would like, he gets very offended if people use the menu

He was soon back with plates and cutlery, then reappeared bearing a wicker basket full of delicious smelling rolls. Warm hazelnut cinnamon rolls covered in a mascarpone cheese he announced, and kissing his fingertips he again vanished to the kitchen to reappear with two steaming mugs. Cinnamon cappuccino bowing slightly he turned to leave, please enjoy and he left.

Slightly bemused I looked at the basket of rolls on the table in front of us.
Dont look so worried, they are delicious try one as he spoke he broke a piece from one of the rolls and leaning over he offered it towards my lips..
Nervously I leaned forward to take the piece of food; I gulped and opened my mouth.
Gently he placed it on to my tongue allowing his fingers to trace my lower lip as he did so.
You are very beautiful Ange, what is a lovely girl like you doing in Rome alone?
Quickly I swallowed the morsel of food and took a gulp of my coffee, only it was HOT and I felt myself choking as the hot liquid scalded my throat.
Swiftly he passed me some cold water and gratefully I swallowed cooling my poor throat.
Ok? he asked.
So here I sit my nose is running and I bet its red! My eyes are streaming and my poor throat is scalded, in front of me is the most gorgeous man I have ever met in my life and I sit here looking like.like, well I am sure you get the picture.

Mortified I nod as I wipe my eyes and my nose wishing I was anywhere but here at this precise moment.

You poor love he said sympathetically here have some more cold water and to my horror he got up walked around the table and held the glass to my lips whilst rubbing my back. Well I nearly had another choking fit, this time nothing to do with hot coffee.
No really Im fine I managed to stutter please finish your breakfast
To my relief he returned to his seat and began to eat one of the tempting warm rolls. Would you like to try another one he asked holding the basket out to me.

God he has got to be kidding I thought. No thanks I think Ill pass for now I replied.
Just then Mr Baker as I now thought of him reappeared. Ah you do not like he asked with a pained expression?
No, no we like very much assured Seb as he bit into another warm roll, (I found my eyes watching as his white teeth bit into the soft roll).
He laughed as if he could read my thoughts and again I blushed. Darn the man, get a grip girl.
I turned to speak to the owner, breakfast was delicious thank you, I am sorry I cannot do it justice but I have a rather sore throat I explained.
Ahhh he exclaimed and bustled off to return a few minutes later with a glass of hot water with honey and lemon.
Now what do I do? The last thing I want is another hot drink; helplessly I looked at Sebastien for some assistance. Hmph fat chance of that, there he sat silently laughing at my predicament. Something wrong with your drink Cheri he enquired with a stutter through his laughter.
I couldnt help myself and joined him feeling my eyes water as I laughed.
Ok, right thats it he finally said as Mr Baker with a bemused look at us both returned to his kitchen, time to go I think

Outside he took my hand, his thumb tracing little circles against my palm, what would you like to do today he asked.
Well I tell you I could have just stood there all day with his thumb playing havoc with my senses, but I managed to stutter out Trevi
Ahh yes the Trevi Fountain what a good idea, do you have a coin ready?
A coin?
To throw in the fountain, it will ensure you return to Rome in the future he explained.

Later that day having visited the beautiful Trevi Fountain and throwing in our coins we made our way to the Spanish Steps. As we stood at the bottom looking up I could see the lovely flowers blooming at different levels up to the top, all shades of pinks and reds it really was quite lovely.
Are you game? asked Seb as he reached for my hand and indicated the steps in front of us. The view from the top is worth the climb he added. We stood at the top looking back down to the Piazza and the gondolier fountain below us, the
people look like little ants busy, busy scurrying around he remarked.
What does that make us, the ant eaters I asked with a smirk.
Now that you mention it I am a little peckish, lets go and eat..

God all you think about is food I retorted.
Oh no, Cheri food is definitely not all that I think about.in fact and before I knew what was happening he pulled me into his arms and kissed me deeply. He lifted his head to look into my eyes, food is definitely not at the top of my priority list right now Gently his head came down and his lips claimed mine in a kiss I wanted to last for ever. His hand was gently caressing my neck and I thought I would pass out from sheer pleasure. Of course I have been kissed before after all I had been with Shane for over two years. Nothing in my experience could have prepared me for this moment; I had always thought that when writers tell of kisses that overtake you completely body and soul it was just artistic words. Well wasnt I wrong, oh my god was I wrong, I heard cymbals crashing, saw lights flashing and felt as if for the first time in my life I had come alive.
Seb drew back and looked at me. Wow he breathed where did that come from
I have to say he looked as surprised as I felt.
Mutely I stared at him as his fingers traced my face, each stroke a tender caress of its own. I shook my head unable to speak as he dipped down to claim my mouth again.
Finally he lifted his head and smiled at me. Ange.. he began to say then stopped. I am sorry but this Ange I do not like it, it is toharsh sounding it does not suit you, what is your real name?
I took a deep breath, promise not to laugh
He nodded I promise
Angelina, I waited for the laughter that usually accompanied me revealing my full name, my school days had been full of teasing because of it.
Angelina he repeated, Angelina, that is much better a beautiful name for a beautiful person
To my utter horror I felt my eyes well up with tears, nobody had ever reacted like that before, in fact I distinctly remember Shane nearly falling off a stool so convulsed with laughter was he.
Gently he lifted my chin and wiped away a tear with his finger. You will always be Angelina to me, do not be ashamed of such a lovely name and again he kissed me.
I can tell you now I hardly knew how to stand as I felt my knees buckle slightly.

The next two days flew by we spent them together and dined together each evening. He showed me places in Rome that I am sure I would never have discovered for myself.
One morning he called me very early asking me to meet him outside the hotel at 7am; its a surprise he said.


Day 4.


So here I am 7oclock in the morning duly waiting outside my hotel for him. He arrived carrying a rucksack which he flung over one shoulder as reaching for me he leaned down and kissed me before uttering a word. Finally he lifted his head and smiled that boyish smile of his. Ahh that is better I needed that, good morning my Angelina
"My Angelina", there goes my stomach again but more importantly there goes my heart, I knew, I just knew at that precise moment that I loved him.


Four days and it was if Shane had never existed, Ruth was welcome to him, I realize now that I had never really loved him.

So Seb why such an early start?
We are going on a trip, I remembered you saying you wanted to see Pompeii, so.. Thats where we are going today
Pompeii, today, oh boy do you mean it?
Yep, so come on get your skates on for here is our transport, as he spoke a limo drew up beside us, to my amazement the driver climbed out and held the door open for me to enter. I looked at Seb in astonishment, youve arranged a limo to take us to Pompeii
Thats the general idea, well if you get in that is he grinned and indicated the car shall we?
Nodding stupidly I climbed in to the luxurious air conditioned car.

Seb clambered in beside me and settled himself on the leather seat. He reached for my hand and began that twirling thing with his thumb that I was beginning to recognize.
I could feel my heart pounding and felt certain he would be able to hear it.

This is going to take about an hour and a half, so how about you tell me a little more about yourself
I shook my head nothing more to tell, what you see is what you get I replied trying very hard to sound carefree and casual.
I dont buy it, I can see a sadness in your eyes as he spoke he lifted my chin and stared into my eyes.
I thought I would drown in those green eyes looking intently into mine.
Ok, if you insist I stuttered. Taking a deep breath I began to explain about Shane and Ruth and how in a fit of madness I had decided to come to Rome alone.
Do you still love him? Seb asked still gazing at me.
Heart hammering and with a very dry mouth I replied. No, no I dont, maybe I never did
Seb sat back with a smile. Good I do not have a jealous boyfriend waiting to make an appearance then?
He pulled me close and put an arm around my shoulders, I felt him nuzzle my hair and thought I would die of pleasure!

When we arrived he helped me from the car holding on tightly to my hand, the drive had taken us through some spectacular mountain views. I was so looking forward to seeing this ancient city that I had read so much about.
So, tell me what you know of Pompeii, or do I need to buy a guide book?
You may need a book, but I have been reading up on it. The ancient city was buried in AD79 when Mount Vesuvius erupted, after two days it was buried under meters of ash and rock. It was discovered 1700 years later in 1748. It is now one of the most popular tourist sites in Italy and offers a view of what daily life would have been like back then.
A bakery, theatre, gymnasium and a public bath have all been uncovered complete with remains of the people who appear to have been frozen in time going about their daily business.

I am impressed Angelina, who needs a guide book when I have my own personal guide right here. The hot sun was beating down on us and boy I was hot.
I am not sure that the sun was the only cause of my discomfort. Seb has a way of looking at me that melts me on the spot.
As if reading my thoughts he pulled me towards an area that was given some protection from the sun. Slowly he pushed me up against a wall, bent his head and kissed me.
I swear my arms have a life of their own, for of their own accord they reached up and encircled his shoulders. I could feel the heat of the sun through the fabric of his shirt and my hands began to trace the muscles of his shoulders.
I could feel one of Sebs hands in the small of my back; with the other he gently cupped my face and neck. The hand at my back was gently but firmly pulling me closer to him. I was left in no doubt that the kiss was affecting Seb in exactly the same way as me.
I could feel the hardness of his arousal against my thigh as he deepened the kiss and all coherent thought left my mind completely.
Slowly he broke away and gazed down at me. Phew, Angelina where did you come from? he asked in a surprised voice. He shook his head and smiled. I did not expect that it was he seemed unable to continue as he bent to kiss me again.
I felt my heart bursting with happiness and returned his kiss with the passion I was feeling.
Stay with me tonight he asked as he lifted his head.
Numbly I nodded; again I was incapable of speech.
Lifting my hand to his lips he placed tiny kisses in the palm. I shivered at the touch of his lips, dear god I havent known this man five minutes and I am lost!



After a lazy day exploring Pompeii the limo took us back to my hotel, as we stopped outside Seb reached for my hand and kissed the palm. I will pick you up at eight he whispered, Do you still want to stay with me tonight?
I could feel my face blushing as I nodded my reply.
Do not look so scared my Angelina I will not hurt you, and you do not have to do anything you are not comfortable with. I would just like to wake in the morning with you in my arms
He smiled at me and my heart melted. See you later I whispered and jumped from the car.
I bathed and shampooed my hair then tried to decide what to wear. I have a midnight blue wrap around evening dress, it is a little revealing as it has a low neckline and Im not sure if it isnt too suggestive, however I really like it and as I dont have a huge choice of evening wear with me I decided to wear it.
Im not really into frilly coordinated underwear but as this holiday was supposed to have been a romantic getaway I had splashed out on some new undies before the trip.
I have to say it does feel rather exciting putting on stockings and lacy bra and knickers, not me at all but hey ho it is a rather special night!
I have a battalion of butterflies playing gymnastics in my stomach; just thinking about the night ahead is enough for my stomach to turn somersaults. I must confess to feeling a little nervous about it. I wobble when he looks at me, I melt when he kisses me, oh my god I am going to spend the night with him!

He took me to dinner and we danced. Did I say danced? It was more like making love with our clothes on! Dancing with Seb was the most erotic experience. He is a very good dancer and obviously really enjoys it. Normally I am a pretty reasonable dancer myself having taken Salsa lessons at night classes. Tonight however I seem to have lost all coordination it felt as if I had been burned each time he touched me, and boy did he touch me a lot!
Suddenly he pulled me close Angelina I cannot wait any longer, unless you want me to take you right here I think we need to go he whispered into my ear. Immediately I could feel my face flushing, as I heard him chuckle.
I love the way you blush its so cute he said softly.

We made our way outside where he hailed a cab to take us back to his hotel. My stomach had stopped somersaulting it was just lodged in my throat. Frantically I tried to think of something to say but seemed unable to actually speak.
Seb put his arm around me and pulled me close, he rested his chin on my head and began to hum softly.
I stilled and tried to relax as I listened to his soothing voice, for the life of me I couldnt make out what he was humming but it was so soothing and calming I felt myself relax in his arms.
The cab pulled up and Seb helped me out, he lifted my hand and kissed it. Lets have a nightcap he said as he led me inside towards the bar.

It was just what I needed, time to sit quietly and chat while we sipped on a brandy, I felt the spirit flood warmth through me as I sat and listened to him. He was telling me about his career in France and how he had had a number one record and appeared in a musical as well songwriting, producing and working with some very well known established musicians.
Shall we go? he asked, If you still want to of course
He stood and pulled me to my feet and led me towards the lift to his room.

"Did i still want to?"

Day 5.
Last night!!! What can I say, no one ever told me it could be like that. I was used to a man who did what he had too, rolled off and went to sleep!
Seb well he held me after we had made love, he whispered in my ear as he held me tight.
And yes we made love, we did not just have sex! It was like nothing I have ever experienced before. And this morning when I woke he was lying next to me just watching me.
You are very beautiful when you sleep Angelina he whispered.
I could feel myself blush under his gaze. God I must look awful I muttered conscious of my how I must appear.
You look adorable he replied as leaning over he gently kissed me before making love to me again.
What did we do for the rest of the day? I remember floating through the day as if I had wings, the sky was bluer, the sun was warmer, the policemen were friendlier! Every where we went people were smiling.
Everyone seems so happy today I remember commenting.
Seb laughed Could have something to do with the big grin you are wearing today, wonder what could have caused that? he asked with a suggestive wink.
I wonder I replied with an even bigger grin.
Our days were spent exploring Rome, seeking out unusual places to dine, going to galleries and general sightseeing. Our nights were spent at Sebs hotel, it was so much nicer than mine that he insisted I left mine and stayed with him for the rest of our stay.
So day 6 found me moving my stuff into his room. As I was unpacking I felt his arms creep round my waist and pull me onto the bed.
Do not worry about unpacking, you will not be needing many clothes he said with a mock leer. Oh? And why would that be I asked innocently. Because it will save me the trouble of doing this he replied as began to slowly remove my clothes..

Day 7.
I cannot believe that tomorrow is the last day of my holiday I said with a sigh. I looked across at Seb. what shall we do for our last day ? I noticed he blushed and looked a little uncomfortable. Something wrong? I asked. He shook his head No no nothing wrong, why dont we just wait and see what the day brings he asked.
Ok, sounds good to me. We spent a lazy day, but I could not shake of this feeling of unease. Seb was his usual charming self to me, and yet somehow he seemed different. That evening he took me to dinner at a swanky club, I had protested earlier in the day that we should go somewhere more simple as I did not have a fancy dress with me. Thats easily sorted he replied as he dragged me off shopping to find one. I cannot let you buy me a dress I protested.
Try stopping me, I love to shop, and I especially like to shop in womens shops
There it was again that cheeky grin that melted my bones, well how could I argue.
If I had known what was in store for me, maybe I would have tried a little harder. We must have visited every womans clothes shop in Rome, I tried on gown after gown until one finally appealed to him. Yes that is the one Cheri he stood before me inspecting me, I felt myself colour as his eyes swept my body in the close fitting red dress before settling on my breasts. Very nice indeed, but we need more More why on earth do I need more I protested. I can only wear one dress tonight Ah yes ma Petite you can but.. What about underneath it he smirked as he held up a red bra and briefs set.

I think my face was the same colour as the lingerie he held up for the whole shop to see. OK.. Ok, now please stop waving them around like a flag
I could hear his laughter as I went to change out of the red dress.


The evening was amazing, Seb was at his most flirtatious charming best. He wined and dined me and we danced away the evening. Lost in his arms I shut out the little voice in my head asking me what came next. Seb had not mentioned meeting back home and yet I could swear he was sincere in his feeling for me.
That night he made love to me for most of the night. I swear at one point I felt tears on his cheeks as he held me close. Never had I ever felt so desirable and so cherished.
I fell asleep wrapped in his arms, sated, exhausted and at peace, little did I know what the morning would bring!

I stretched as I woke and reached for Seb, only he wasnt there. Puzzled I sat up and called him. No reply, I staggered from the bed and walked to the bathroom expecting to surprise him in the shower but it was empty. As I turned back into the bedroom an envelope on the bedside cupboard caught my eye.
I picked it up and saw my name on the front. With a feeling of trepidation I opened it.
As I read the words I felt my legs buckle and sank to the floor.

Dearest Angelina I read, I am such a coward that I could not stay and tell you to your face. I could not bear to see the hurt I know I am causing you.
I am not free Angelina I am engaged to be married, her name is Raquel and I have known her since we were teenagers, she has stood by me through the hard times and supported me all the way. I do love her, only now do I realise that maybe I do not love her how I should.
You have shown me a different side to love this week Angelina and for that I thank you.
I know that had circumstances been different that we could have had a future together.
I cannot go back on my word we are due to be married in a months time.
Please forgive me my Angelina, you are so special and I will forever carry you in my heart. Be happy and fulfil your dreams.
Seb.

Oh god noooo how could he do this to me?
I dont know how long I sat on the floor in the hotel room before I was aware of a knocking on the door. Numbly I stumbled to the door to find a waiter with a lunch cart standing outside.
Blankly I looked at him I didnt order anything
Mr Izambard ordered it for you this morning on his way out came the reply. He said that sometimes you forgot to eat and he wanted to make sure you had lunch
I stood back and allowed him to bring in the tray. enjoy your lunch he said as he left.

Numbly I turned and walked back into the bedroom and packed my bags, without a second glance I left and made my way to the airport. I stood in line praying I would be able to change my flight and get back to the Uk.
I was lucky and was able to get a flight two hours later. As I excited the airport in the UK I stood uncertain what to do.
I could go and see my Mother and her new husband but knew that I would not really be welcomed or I could go back to the flat I had shared with Shane.
As I entered the flat it felt cold and unwelcoming, I stared around at the mess Shane had left when he had collected his things. I left it and climbed into bed where I stayed for two days. The only time I got up was when I needed the loo or was desperate for a drink.
I knew I had to sort myself out but how? Oh god it hurts so much, I really loved him and thought he felt the same.
I knew I had to find work so forced myself out to begin. Eventually I found a job in a bookstore about a mile away from the flat.

It wasnt what I had planned for my career but I seemed to have lost interest in art and had not touched my sketchpad since that day I had met Sebastien.
I soon settled into a routine work, home, eat, and then bed and so it went on day after day. I had no interest in anything and sat for hours doing nothing but remembering every word, every look, every touch how could I have got it so wrong.

Gradually as the weeks went by I began to recover although the hurt was always there as a constant reminder. I had made friends with a couple of girls who worked in the shops either side of the bookstore. They were always trying to get me to go out with them but I had no desire to go out socializing and preferred to go back to the flat after work.
I had been at the bookstore for about six weeks when I began to feel unwell, queasy in the morning and generally unwell throughout the day.
I knew I had not really been looking after myself properly since I had got back from Rome, I didnt always eat when I should or what I should and seemed to exist on toast or junk food.
I wowed to change my lifestyle and begin to take better care of myself. I knew I had lost weight as my clothes were all looser on me, no bad thing I told myself I needed to lose a few pounds. I squashed down the little voice that reminded me how Seb had told me I was perfect, soft and curvy as women were meant to be.
Well the changes made no difference and I felt no better so I dragged myself off to the Drs expecting to be told I was a little run down and needed a tonic. You can imagine how shocked I was when she told me she thought I was pregnant.

Now what was I going to do? My friends told me I should tell the Father, well how on earth could I do that? One I have no idea where he is and two he is now a married man.

So I struggled on, my friends were wonderful and really supported me in any way they could. Although the pregnancy progressed well and the nausea settled I could not shake off a feeling of impending gloom, it seemed to hang over me like a cloud.

One evening after a heavy day at work I was shattered, so I settled myself on the couch with a mug of soup and switched on the TV as I flicked through the daily paper.
As I read I became aware of singing on the TV, I lifted my head to look straight into Sebastiens green eyes. Shocked I sat up and turned up the volume, he was singing with three other men, the song sounded vaguely familiar but I couldnt place it but it was lovely. I felt my eyes fill with tears at the sight of him and my heart contract with the familiar pain I felt whenever I thought of him.



So he had decided to go ahead and take a gambol on the Simon Cowell thing after all.
I listened intently to the interview after they had sung. It was so good to hear his lovely voice again, even if it was painful at the same time. The guys explained how they had been brought together and talked of their hopes for the future.
Tears streamed down my face as I listened to him speaking, remembering the times he had held me in his arms and whispered in my ear.

I sat in a daze after the programme had finished, I had expected to never see him again and now suddenly there he was. At least now I could probably try and get in touch with him, he had a right to know about the baby after all, didnt he?

I gave up after six letters brought no response, I had tried sending them to the record company and through Simon Cowells office but I never heard a thing.

Over the next few weeks I began to hear more and more of Seb and Il Divo, their music seemed to reach out and wrap itself around my heart. Each time I heard them or saw them it was a bittersweet feeling.

I woke one morning with the most dreadful headache as I dragged myself from my bed I vomited violently. Feeling wretched I crawled back to bed and stayed there for the rest of the day. Over the next few days my headaches continued along with the nausea and I began to have some problems with my eyesight.

All in all I was feeling pretty wretched, feeling desperate one day I phoned my Mother, well that was a mistake and why I asked myself did I expect anything else? She basically told me that she and my stepfather were leaving on a cruise in a couple of days and as I had got myself into this situation I had to deal with it.
Finally I dragged myself off to see my GP as I did not get any better. After a complete physical examination she looked at me intently and began to question me on my mental state, was I depressed, did I have suicidal thoughts ? So you think this is all in my head do you? I asked furiously. I was so angry that I jumped up to leave, only for a wave of nausea and dizziness to cause me to fall flat on my face as my legs gave way. The next thing I knew I opened my eyes to see the Dr kneeling beside me with a concerned look on her face. Feeling better; she asked quietly. Weakly I nodded and allowed her to help me onto a chair; Right I dont know what but something is going on and we need to find out what it is, I am going to arrange for you to have a scan of your head to exclude any problem there

A scan, what sort of a scan, is it safe for the baby? I asked weakly.
She nodded, Yes its quite safe, and wont harm your baby at all.
Before I knew it she had picked up the phone and arranged an appointment for me at the local hospital. Now are you going to be ok getting there? she asked as she gave me the time of the appointment for the next day.
I nodded and assured her I would be fine. I am not really happy about letting you go home on your own after what just happened she said, maybe I should arrange to have you admitted until we know what we are dealing with.
So I found myself in the back of an ambulance on my way to hospital before I knew it.

I have never felt so alone in all my life!

It was one of the longest nights of my life, waiting for the next day and the scan. Seb was never far from my thoughts however unwell I felt, god I wish he was here!

After my scan I as taken back to my bed to wait for the results. The staff who did the scan would not tell me anything but I swear they looked uncomfortable when I asked.
Finally the Consultant appeared beside me accompanied by his team of junior Drs.
I knew by the expression on his face that it was not good news.

For what seemed a lifetime he sat not speaking, just looking at me. My stomach was so tense I could actually feel pain.
Please I whispered, just tell me

He nodded and took a deep breath, I am sorry to have to tell you but the scan has shown that you have a brain tumour, an inoperable brain tumour.
An inoperable brain tumour..oh my god, oh my god, Im going to die!
I sat too stunned to reply, instinctively my hands went to my stomach my first thought for my child, Sebs child. My baby? I gulped.

He looked sorrowfully at me we would recommend a termination, you need to start tre..
NO I heard myself shout back at him, no I have to keep this baby I will not consider anything else .

You need to start chemotherapy followed by radiotherapy at once if we have any chance of beating this thing added the Dr. the pregnancy complicates things, if you wait until your baby is delivered it may be too late for you.

My head was in a whirl my thoughts flying in all directions, what should I do?
I am going to leave you to think things through, I will come and see you tomorrow said the Consultant, as he rose from his seat he placed a hand on my shoulder. I really am so very sorry my dear.

I lay curled up on my bed too stunned, exhausted and shocked to even cry, the nurses were lovely and kept checking on me I just wanted to be left alone.
Alone..yes thats exactly what I am, my Mother is off cruising with her toyboy husband and doesnt really want to be bothered with me.
Oh god I wish I had my Dad here with me or..Ruth, yes I know what you must be thinking but she was my best friend for such a long time, I miss her. Anyway its obvious that I didnt really love Shane so why should I harbour a grudge because they fell in love?

RuthRuth its me AngeI.. I.. oh god Ruth I need a friend so badly and well I stopped and gulped unable to continue as I gripped onto the phone for dear life. All the tears came spilling out as I sobbed down the line to her ,please come

I thought it might be awkward seeing Ruth again after all that had happened but strangely enough it wasnt. It just felt good to see her, we had been so close for such a long time. We were friends before Shane ever came on the scene.

Ange, I am so sorry I never meant to hurt youI tried that is we tried to she stopped seemingly unable to continue, as I watched I saw her eyes fill with tears.
I have missed you so much, I thought I would never see you again can you forgive me?
I nodded, Ive missed you as well, oh Ruth thank you for coming I really need a friend at the moment
Whats going on Ange why are you in hospital?
Ruth sat quietly as I told her everything starting with Rome. I watched her expression change as I went from meeting Seb, and falling in love with him, to coming home and finding out I was pregnant.
My god Ange her eyes flew to my stomach your pregnant, does he know?
No, I havent seen him since Rome Slowly I relayed to Ruth what had happened, the contents of the letter Seb had left me and how I had tried to contact him.
I thought that it would be easier now that he is becoming famous but I have had no luck.
And now I paused and closed my eyes. And now..I..II have a brain tumour
I heard Ruth gasp, at the same time I felt her arms go around me and I collapsed sobbing against her.
In a strange kind of way I felt better, sharing it with someone else eased the awful loneliness I had felt, except I now felt bad for Ruth who was so obviously shocked.

What will you do, the baby? Will you terminate
I shook my head, "no never my hands splayed my stomach protectively, "this baby is the most precious thing in my life and I will live to see him grow up
He? You know already?
I touched my heart, "in here I know and his name will be Matthew after my Dad


Ruth will you stay with me when the Dr comes back.please?
She nodded in reply, I could see that she was finding it hard to know what to say and was becoming very emotional.
Why dont you go and call Shane, let him know where you are and what.well what is happening.



After she had left the room I shut myself in the bathroom. I stood looking at my reflection in the mirror, I saw the fear and uncertainty reflected in my eyes. Oh Seb..I wishI wish I watched as once again tears ran down my face.

So, you have decided have you young lady to continue with the pregnancy
I nodded, yes I have I replied.
Ok, well in that case we need to decide the next step he paused as if weighing up his options. It is possible to commence part of your treatment, a reduced dose of chemotherapy until the baby is born. Then you would have full strength followed by radiotherapy.
Would this reduced dose be enough to save her? asked Ruth.
Again he paused, I cannot answer that question all I will say is that it would be better than no treatment at all.
And my baby I interjected.
The baby will ok on a reduced dose, it has passed the critical development stage and should not suffer any consequences
I nodded as I sat and processed the information he had given me. How long to I have to decide?
A day or so will not make a huge difference, I will come and see you tomorrow.

I cannot tell begin to tell you how I felt after he had left. This couldnt be happening to me, could it? I am just a normal person living an ordinary life, what did I ever do to deserve this?
I feel so angry so very, very angry this is not fair...... WHY ME I yelled out loud just as Ruth appeared back in the room.
She stopped at the door in amazement to see me ranting and raving to an empty room.
Ange I heard her say and she held her arms open for me, where I collapsed in a sodden heap.
She did not say a word, just held me and let me cry and she listened as I cursed fate, God or whatever had caused this to happen to me.
Finally I calmed down enough to take a deep breath and look at her.
Ruth what am I going to do I asked helplessly, I dont want to die, I want to see my baby grow up I. I stopped unable to continue.
Gently she took my hands in hers. Ange I dont have any of the answers you need, but we will face this together, we care about you and want to help in any way we can
We? I asked.
She nodded. Shane is coming over he wants to help
Was I ready to see Shane again? Seems I am about to find out.

As it turned out it was fine, after an initial period of awkwardness. I was surprised to realise that I really was over him and for some strange reason it seemed natural to see him and Ruth together. You two look good together, Im surprised I never saw it before I commented.
Shane looked uncomfortable, we never meant to hurt you Ange, it just happened we tried not to but well..I love her
I can see that and I really am happy for you both I replied.

For the rest of the day they stayed with me, we talked through all the various options the Dr had given me until my head was spinning. Finally I stood and walked to the window,
its ok guys I know what I have to do my mind is made up. Taking a deep breath I turned to look at them, I will start treatment but only the reduced dose, this little one. I stopped and put my hands protectively on my stomach. He deserves a chance at life and I will not compromise that, as soon as he is born I will have the full dose".
But Ange they both said at once.
I held up my hands No.. i know you mean well but this is my decision and .well.. this is my baby I have to do what I think is right for him
Ruth began to cry, oh god this is so unfair she whispered I am so sorry Ange.

Over the coming weeks Shane and Ruth were wonderful they took it in turns to come with me for my chemotherapy sessions. They stayed at the flat with me when I was to ill to be left alone.
They held me at night as I knelt on the bathroom floor vomiting. I dont know how I would have got through it all without them.
Ruth had called my Mother one day, angry that she had not been to see me at all.
She is your daughter I heard her say how can you not be here for her?
I could guess what my Mothers response had been when I saw Ruth look at the phone in amazement She hung up she said incredulously she hung up.
I shrugged thats my Mother, ignore a problem and it will go away I giggled stupidly if she ignores me long enough I probably will.go away permently.
Oh Ange please dont talk like that, please dont even think like that, you are going to get through this
She came and sat at my side and took my hand you have to stay positive, you have to fight with all you haveplease.I couldnt bear to lose you again she stopped as she became too choked to continue.
Me? I couldnt reply for the huge lump stuck in my throat so I just put my arms around her and held her.
Thats how Shane found us, trying to lighten the mood he made a flippant remark about me trying to steal his girlfriend.

Ruth went madshe flew at him and slapped his face how dare you she screamed how dare you.. we..I.
Silently he took her in his arms as she sobbed on his shoulder.
I left the room and went to my bedroom slowly I lowered myself onto the bed and picked up my journal.

Dear Diary, what am I doing to my friends, is it fair to put them through this? Oh god this is so hard I wish, I wish..I wish what? What do I wish? I wish this would all go away............................

But of course it didnt go away it was all to real, so I continued with my treatment until three weeks before my baby was due. The Drs had agreed that treatment should be stopped and then restarted a week after I had given birth.
I would not be able to breast feed my baby and this really upset me. Ruth tried very hard to make me see it in perspective. Think of it like this she said By having the treatment you are giving this baby the best chance of having his Mother around, I am sure he would rather have you. To a baby as long as he is fed he wont care where it comes from

I know she is right but still I oh whats the use of regrets it isnt going to change anything is it?
A week before my due date I had this sudden uncontrollable urge to clean, I had already tackled the kitchen and bathroom, feeling tired I had decided to have a rest and lay on the couch. It did no good I couldnt settle and my back ached like crazy. I got up and started to pace the floor and thats how Ruth and Shane found me.
Whats up with you? asked Shane you are pacing about like a caged tiger
I dont know I just feel unsettled and uncomfortable I replied.
Ruth gave me a quizzical look and smiled.
Im glad you find it amusing I snapped at her.
I dont she replied I just think you are in labour
What yelled Shane and me at the same time.


Well of course she was right wasnt she? So the next day finds me back in the hospital only this time I have a beautiful baby boy lying in my arms.
He is so handsome cooed Ruth, Are you going to tell his father now?
I shook my head, No he is a married man now and maybe they have a family of their own. I wouldnt want them to think I was trying to cash in now that he is becoming famous.
Do you not think he has the right, he might want to know his son?
No its better like this, Matthew is my son and he has you and Shane what more could a little boy possibly want?
A Father she retorted. Ok, ok I give up Ruth put her hands in the air in mock surrender at the expression on my face. I dont agree with you but I will respect your decision

One week later the chemo started again. Four things got me through those very hard weeks. My beautiful little boy, my friends Ruth and Shane and Seb. Yes I did say Seb, oh I know I havent got him here with me in person but he is with me in other ways. I have their music on my I-pod and I take it with me when I am having treatment. I listen to them when I am alone, his sensuous voice reaches out to me and touches me.

I dont know how you can even bear to listen to him after what he did to you said Ruth angrily one day.
It wasnt his fault I replied. Rome, it was.wellit was a magical few days and it was like the rest of the world had vanished. I know he didnt set out to hurt me and I do believe he even loved me a little

Matthew was such a good baby, he would look at me through Sebs eyes and my heart would just melt. He smiled a lot and was very contented, Ruth and Shane were amazing with him.

I want to get Matthew baptised I announced one evening and I want you two to be his god parents.. If you would?
If I dont beat this thing then I couldnt think of anyone better than you two to care for him
Shane and Ruth looked at each other and then to me. We are deeply honoured to be asked and of course we will, but you are going to beat this thing and raise your boy yourself replied Shane.

Six months later I had completed the chemotherapy and radiotherapy, my hair had started to grow back and although I was very tired I was beginning to feel better.
Regular checkups at hospital showed that the tumour had responded well to the therapy and for the first time I began to feel a little bit hopeful that I had won.

Again my wonderful friends came up trumps for me, with their help I returned to work at the bookshop and between us we covered child care.
Ruth and Shane got married and asked me to be their maid of honour. It was a beautiful happy day they looked so happy. I pushed down my feelings of loneliness and vowed to enjoy the day.

Would you like to dance?
I looked up to see Shanes best man Andy standing next to me.
I dont thin..
Come on Ange Im asking for a dance thats all he interrupted before I could refuse. Matthew was having the time of his life being fussed over by the bride and grooms relatives. After checking that he was ok and being told by Shanes mum to go and enjoy myself so thats exactly what I did.

I cannot remember when I last had such a good time, Andy was actually good fun and I found myself relaxing and really enjoying his company. Matthew took to him at once and Andy soon had him giggling. When Matthew began to get a bit tired and grizzly I announced it was time for us to go.
Oh, do you have to asked Andy? the night is just beginning.
Not for this young man it isnt I replied, I need to get him home to bed.
Well let me give you a lift he offered.
No way, you are the best man you should stay and enjoy yourself.
Really, I would like to and I can always come back he countered to my protests.

I gave in and accepted gratefully. I made my farewells to everyone finally stopping at Ruth and Shane. My dear, dear friends I love you both, have a wonderful life together and I will see you when you get back from honeymoon.

Shane hugged me, "Take care Ange see you soon
Ruth put her arms round me, are you sure you will be ok while we are away? I hate to leave you on your own.
Im not on my own I have Matthew i replied trying to lighten the moment.
Oh right, and he will look after you if you are not well?

Ruth..you know I love you dearly I began..I can never ever thank you two enough for all you have done for Matthew and me, but.. but well
Ruth you have a life of your ownI gulped down the lump in my throat, you have Shane, you two deserve some time together without worrying about me.
If it would help I could call round sometimes interjected Andy, just to make sure you are ok he added quickly.
I hesitated. .Andy that really is good of you but really I will be fine I dont need babysitting.
What a brilliant idea said Ruth, turning to me she grinned it would give me peace of mind Ange if I knew someone was keeping an eye on you.
I could feel myself bristle at her words, Ruth I am not a baby I dont need looking after Im a big girl now. I turned to Andy if the offer of a lift still stands Im ready and I stomped off to collect Matthew.
Oh dear Ive upset her havent I?

You know sweetie shes right you are not her Mother, she needs to start regaining control of her life Im sure she will be fine said Shane.
Ruth sighed yeah I know but. well I worry about her iok,ok I know your right. I will just go and say goodbye to her I cant let her leave like this.

As I put Matthews coat on I could hardly see what I was doing my eyes were so full of tears. What is the matter with me its my best friends wedding day and I am arguing with her. Matthews little hand came up to my face, he giggled as he caught a tear on his finger, thats where Ruth found me. On the floor of the cloakroom with Matthew in my arms and me crying my eyes out.
Oh Ange Im so sorry she said as she knelt beside me, I didnt mean to upset you I justI just worry about you thats all.
I sniffed loudly, Ruth its me who should apologise after all you have done for me.II..
Her arms went round me, I know honey, I know its ok, I need to back off and give you a bit of space. You will be ok wont you?
I sniffed again, yeah, I will, I promise I am getting stronger every day go and have a wonderful time and dont worry.


Thanks Andy I really appreciate the lift home I said as I stepped out of the car, are you going back to the reception?
He shrugged, not sure really think I might have had enough for one day.
Oh, ok well would you like a coffee?
Sure that would be good, here let me he said as he took a sleeping Matthew from me, Ill carry him up for you.

He woke up as soon as we got in the flat, sorry Andy he won't settle now until he has his bath and night drink I apologised, I need to see to him.
I could help he replied, that is I would like to help.
Slowly I nodded, ok if you are sure.
So a short time later Matthew had been bathed, fed and was ready for bed.
Can I ? asked Andy holding his arms out for the baby.
Hesitantly I nodded and passed him over, I led the way to the bedroom and watched as Andy gently laid Matthew in his cot. I leaned down and kissed the sleepy baby goodnight and switched on his musical mobile, he loves music I explained to Andy he has it playing every night.
does he get his love of music from you he asked?
does he get it from me? an image of Seb flashed in to my head.
No, not from me i muttered...Right, now for that coffee I said as we returned to the lounge.
No. Ange let me I will make it you look shattered, put your feet up and I will make the coffee.
Ok, if you are sure you
Im sure he replied and he turned towards the kitchen.
While he was gone I quickly ran and changed out of my dress and put on jeans and a jumper, returning to the lounge I expected to see him there only to hear him still in the kitchen. I poked my head around the door to check if he was ok hw was bending down looking in the fridge, ummm nice bum I thought to myself. Are you ok? I asked.
What? he turned to me.. Oh yeah fine now go.. go on scoot he insisted and ushered me from the room.
I stretched on the couch and laid my head back it had been a good day but I was tired, I must have nodded off, the next thing I was aware of was the smell of coffee and something else, umm smells good. Slowly I opened my eyes to see Andy placing a tray beside me with a freshly made omelette and a cup of coffee.
Thought you might be hungry he murmured as I looked at him.
Are you having some I asked?
He nodded if thats ok, Im famished he replied wedding food doesnt fill you up does it. He retuned a few minutes later with a second tray. We sat in a comfortable silence as we ate our food.
Ah thats better said Andy laying down his knife and fork I was ready for that.
It was delicious thank you, a man of hidden talents obviously I joked.
For the next hour we chatted, I was astounded when he announced it was one am and time he was going. You need to get some sleep and I have kept you up way to long he said as he kissed my cheek and turned to leave he hesitated, can I call you sometime?
I just nodded in reply, hes a nice guy I need to move on right?

And I did try honestly I did. Andy is a really nice guy who true to his word called round to make sure I was managing ok while Ruth and Shane were on honeymoon. We even went out a few times, only during the day because of course I had Matthew. One day we went to the park we took a picnic with us for lunch. It should have been perfect, Andy was kind and attentive, and he was good with Matthew who had clearly taken to him.
So what was wrong? Seb of course, poor Andy all the time I am mentally comparing him to Seb which is really unfair of me I know.
At times I wish I had never gone to Rome and met him, but then I look at my beautiful little boy and could not imagine my life without him. I wonder where he is and what he is doing, I hope he is happy. Of course I know that his career has been a great success, I frequently see them on TV. I hope his private life is just as good although a small part of me wonders if he ever thinks of me.

I was wondering Ange.that is would you come out with me one night.?
The sound of Andys voice brought me back to the here and now, sorry what was that I asked?
I wondered if we could go out one evening just the two of us.
We are out I replied and anyway I cant go out at night I have Matthew.
I know but well I am sure my Mum would.. That is she would be glad to ..to babysit, that is he stuttered.
Im sorry Andy but I dont even know your Mother I couldnt leave Matthew with someone I have never met.
Thats easily remedied he replied we can go and see her this afternoon if you like.
Im not sure I stammered, we cant just turn up and ask her to babysit.
Of course we can just turn up she is my Mum and we dont have to ask her to babysit today. Just meet her and see what you think, if you feel happy we can ask her for another day.
So it was that I found myself at Andys mums house, who introduced herself as Betty. She was very nice, a very motherly sort of woman the complete opposite to my own Mother. Andy is obviously the apple of her eye, she explained to me that he was the youngest of four and a bit of a surprise when he came along. The girls were seven, nine and ten when he was born and I never expected to have any more.
So you were spoiled rotten with three big sisters at your beck and call were you I teased him? I bet they waited on you hand and foot.
He grinned, (a sweet grin but it doesnt make my tummy flip!) I never asked them to and anyway they dont wait on me now.
I should think not said his Mother, they all have families of there own now, I have seven grandchildren she added proudly.
I was made very welcome and plied with tea and cakes, and his Mum made a big fuss of Matthew and was obviously very good with children. In the event Andy did not need to broach the subject of babysitting because his Mum offered her services.
I looked at Andy suspicious that this had been pre arranged but I could tell by his face that it had not. Thank you I replied that is kind of you and maybe one day I will take you up on that offer.
You do that my love she replied and now that you have met us do not be a stranger, call round for a cup of tea sometime.
I left with her words echoing in my ears and found myself promising to come again.

And I did, it became a bit of a habit to call round after one of our day time outings. We would go for a walk or to the park and then Andy would suggest going back to his Mums for tea. And so it was that I found myself agreeing to an evening out with Andy his Mum agreeing to come round and sit with Matthew who by this time was very used to her.

Betty settled herself on the couch and picked up the TV remote control, off you go then I want to watch my soap .Matthew will be fine see you later she said as she turned her attention back to the TV. Smiling Andy and I left the flat. We had a pleasant meal but I have to confess to feeling a little odd. I was not used to being out at night and especially without Matthew. I tried very hard to fill the awkward silences and found myself babbling like an idiot. Andy reached across the table and took my hand, Ange stop, its ok you do not have to entertain me, relax were friends just enjoy being out.
So I did and much to my surprise I really enjoyed myself, I am sure that the couple of glasses of wine helped but I did feel relaxed and comfortable. So Andy tell me a little more about you after all you know all about me I said. I know that you are the youngest of four and your Mums baby, I smiled and held up my hands only teasing, tell me about work I know that you work at the hospital but you have never really told me what you do.
WellI am an anaesthetic operating practitioner he laughed at my puzzled expression; yes that is most peoples reaction. Basically I work very closely with the Anaesthetist during operations, I set up and monitor the anaesthetic machines and anaesthetic drugs, it is our job to anaesthetise patients and take care of them while they are under anaesthetic during the operation.
Must be interesting work but I couldnt do it I replied and shudderedughh all that blood yuk!
He laughed its not that bad there is not usually a lot of blood in routine operations, perhaps more in the trauma operating room but I dont tend to be in there that much.

The evening came to a close and we made our way back to my flat. Not heard a peep said Betty, oh and I have checked him I havent been sitting here all night.

After Betty had left I made coffee for Andy and me we sat quietly drinking it and absent mindingly watching Tv. Suddenly Andy reached over and took my cup from me, placing it on the table with his he turned back to me. Ange you must know how I feel about you he said as he took me in his arms and kissed me.

I tried.. I tried so hard to shut Seb out I really did, it was a nice kiss but it didnt set off any bells or fireworks. I closed my eyes and remembered what it had felt like to be kissed by Seb. With a start I opened my eyes and pushed Andy away. Im sorry i Andy Im sorry but I cant do this.. i I stopped at a loss to know what to say.

You still love him dont you he asked sadly?
I nodded, Im so sorry.
After what he did to you how can you? asked Andy, he used you and abandoned you.
No, it wasnt like that he.. he oh its complicated I replied.
Not to me it isnt he replied, he used you and he left you to marry someone else how is that complicated.
Im sorry Andy I never meant to hurt you, I thought we were friends.
I want more than friendship he exclaimed, Ange I love you, I love Matthew. You cant spend your life waiting for something that isnt going to happen.
I know, I know that you are right but I . I stopped, suddenly I felt like crying and I could feel this bubble of anger inside me.
Andy was right I have been such a fool, Seb did hurt me and badly, I feel so mad with him. Why did he have an affair with me when he knew he was about to be married? And then to just leave me and run back to her, I need to stop thinking about him and start living again.
Can we start again whispered Andy I promise to take it slowly I wont pressure you I just want to spend time with you and Matthew and maybe one day you might just learn to love me.
I felt the tears fill my eyes at his words, he is such a kind, sweet guy why cant I love him?
And so we continued to see each other, I did my level best to shut Seb from my mind and during the day I mostly succeeded, I was powerless to stop him invading my dreams!

Later.

Matthew is now four years old, Ruth and Shane have a lovely little girl called Mia and baby number two is due any day. I am still with Andy who true to his word has never pressured me. I still feel guilty that I cannot love him as he loves me but I do love him. He is kind and considerate, caring, hardworking and Matthew adores him. He has bought a new house and asked us to move in him.

RE: ANGELINA
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matthew is now four years old, Ruth and Shane have a lovely little girl called Mia and baby number two is due any day. I am still with Andy who true to his word has never pressured me. I still feel guilty that I cannot love him as he loves me but I do love him. He is kind and considerate, caring, hardworking and Matthew adores him. He has bought a new house and asked us to move in with him, Ruth cannot understand why I am hesitating. Ange he really loves you and Matthew he is a good guy what is stopping you?
I try to find the words to explain, I know he is a good guy and I do love him but not in the way I should, is it fair to him to move in when I feel like this?
Look said Ruth he may not be the love of your life but he can give you so much, both of you. A stable relationship, a stable home, security for you and Matthew, and think about Matthew he loves Andy it would be so good for him.

So I agreed, we had been seeing each other for a long time so obviously we had slept together and it was nice. Nice isnt that an awful word, I wish I could say it was more and maybe if I had never known what it could be like I would be happy with it, after all it was a hundred times better than when I was with Shane. I hope for Ruths sake he has got better or maybe it was me along and he felt with me as I feel with Andy.

Andy and I have been living together for three months, so far it is going really well, we get along so well and Matthew is settled and happy. Although there is no great passion between Andy and me I have grown to care for him deeply. It would be hard not to he is so good to us both.
And then it happened, just when I thought life had finally settled and down and I was happy. The headaches began again. At first I dismissed it and put it down to stress, all the time knowing it wasnt. They just got worse; I tried to hide it from Andy and the others until the day I collapsed. I was rushed to hospital where a scan revealed the tumour was back.
So what does that mean I asked quietly can you operate, do I need chemo again, am I going to die this time.
The consultant held up his hands, whoa on at a time he said. No we cannot operate as before it just is not possible. Yes you will need chemo but I would like you to have a course of Radiotherapy first.
What will that do? I asked.
Well hopefully it will shrink it down to help alleviate your symptoms he replied.

And so the radiotherapy began and on the whole it wasnt so bad. It was certainly better than chemotherapy. I did feel extremely tired, it was as if it sapped my energy.
I could put up with that, each treatment I visualised the tumour getting smaller and smaller.
Finally after a month of intensive treatment it was over. I had a CT scan to assess how well the tumour had responded. I sat nervously as I waited for the consultant to come and tell me the results.
Well the good news Angelina is that the tumour has shrunk he began, the bad news is that it has not shrunk as much as we would have hoped.

What does that mean I asked quietly where do we go now ?
I am sorry Angelina but it means more chemotherapy he replied.
I willed myself not to cry but I could feel the hot tears welling up. I dont know if I can do that again I whispered, its so awful I dont think I can..I with a gulp I stopped and looked at him helplessly, is there nothing else ?
He shook his head, no Im sorry but it has to be chemo.

So here I am again back on another course of six cycles of chemotherapy. I knew what to expect this time so I had tried to prepare Andy. Bless him he is so sweet, he has done everything humanly possible to help. He takes Matthew to and from school for me, Im grateful but I also feel resentment because I want to be able to take him myself.
Ruth and Shane now have a second baby girl and she is lovely they have called her Olivia and Mia is absolutely thrilled with her baby sister. Of course with two babies I cannot expect them to be able to help me this time, they did what they could but I did not feel able to ask them.
Andys mum Betty really came up trumps she did all she could to help. She cooked, cleaned and washed for us, and she took Matthew to stay with her when I was at my lowest.
After three sessions I was scanned again, I knew by the expression on the consultants face that the news was not good.
It is responding he said just not very much. At this stage we would expect it to show a significant decrease in size, I am sorry but that just is not happening.
I held tightly to Andys hand glad that he had come along with me. Can you up the dose or something I asked desperately ?
No, he shook his head these are very toxic drugs we are using any stronger and the side effects would be too much for your system to cope with.
Can I carry on with the treatment?
Yes of course you can, I dont know if it will do you any good but we can continue.
I nodded and stood up, holding out my hand I whispered a quiet thank you and left.


Andy Ive been thinking I began.I dont think I that is Andy, I dont think Im going to beat this..II
No Ange please dont say that, dont.he stopped as tears threatened to choke him, please dont give up Ange, please dont he begged.
I wont I promised but we have to be realistic, Andy if this doesnt work.. they well they dont have anything el.. I couldnt carry on and collapsed sobbing against his chest.
We cried together as we held on tight to one another. Its not bloody fair whispered Andy in my ear, its just not fair.

And so I carried on, two more cycles and still no great difference.
Its your choice of course said the consultant, you can have the last dose but I dont think it will make much difference. The tumour has shrunk down enough to buy you some extra time with your Husband and son but that is all it has done he added sadly.
I didnt even have the energy to tell him Andy was not my husband, it didnt seem that important. He had been everything and more, always there for me and Matthew.
We made our way home in silence not really knowing what to say to each other.

He made us coffee and we sat on the couch holding hands, not speaking just holding on.
Suddenly Andy cleared his throat and turned to look at me, Ange Ive been thinking about this for a long time and been too cowardly to ask, but well, Angelina will you marry me ?

I looked at this dear kind loving man who had given me his all and I realised something, I love him, I mean I really love him. When did it happen ? Im not sure I think it has been a gradual thing but the important thing is I now know that I love him.
Reaching my hand up to stroke his dear face I smiled, Andy it would be an honour and a privilege to marry you.
You will ? You mean it you really will, he laughed oh Ange thank you, thank you, you have made me so happy he said as he drew me close and kissed me.
Oh my god I dont believe it..it happened it really happened..my tummy, it flipped.
I laughed and kissed him back, oh Andy I love you, yes I love you, I repeated as he stared at me as if he was unable to believe me.
You love me he repeated, you love me ?
I nodded, yes Andy I do I really do.

Ruth and Shane were delighted for us and acted as our witnesses at our civil ceremony.
We kept it very quiet just our dear friends and Andys family, I did invite my Mother but again they were abroad and unable to make it.
I was angry with her and we argued, its ok Mother I raged you dont have to come to my wedding, I wonder if you will be able to make my funeral I cried as I slammed the phone down.

It was a lovely day, my hair had still not grown back so I had a headscarf made to match my dress, I hated my wig and refused to wear it.
You dont have to wear either of them if you dont want too said Andy, you look just as beautiful without them.
I cant get married with a bald head I retorted, what would people say?
I dont care what they say its up to us and if you dont want to wear anything on your head thats cool with me.
So I didnt, Ruth had helped me choose a dress, it was just a very simple dress in a buttercup yellow and I carried a small bouquet of yellow and white freesias.

After we all went to a local restaurant for lunch and then we made our way home. I was exhausted and lay down for a rest. When I awoke Andy had put lighted candles in the lounge, prepared us a light supper and put a bottle of non alcoholic wine to chill.

He smiled as he showed me the bottle, I know you are not allowed to drink but I thought we should have something he explained.
We had a lovely romantic evening and went to bed as a married couple. He was so loving and gentle and it was lovely.

I had plenty of time to think as I sat having my final dose of chemotherapy, finally I came to a decision. I knew Andy would not be happy about it but I knew I just had to do it for Matthews sake.
I resolved to speak to him that evening if I felt well enough.
The nurses in the unit all hugged me as I left after my last treatment, I could see it in their eyes, the unspoken words. I knew I was not going to beat this thing and so did they.
I sat in the cab with tears blinding me, why? Why me I silently asked myself what did I ever do?
The poor taxi driver sat quietly looking very uncomfortable until I pulled myself together and told him I was ready. We pulled up at the house, I will see you next time then said the driver who had become a regular over the last few weeks of treatment.
I shook my head, no thats it that was the last one I replied.
Oh thats good news he beamed well done now you can get on with your life, I wish you well.
I didnt have the heart to tell him so I just smiled my thank yous and got out.

Andy had taken Matthew to his mums so that I could rest when I got home. I knew it made sense but it did not make me feel any better I wanted to spend every minute with him I possibly could. I know thats unfair of me as Matthew shouldnt have to watch his mummy when she is so unwell. But since when did reason come into feelings?
I sat on the couch still wearing my coat, thinking about the decision I had made today. I hope that Andy understands I have to do this, for Matthew and for my own peace of mind.
A picture of Seb as we sat on the steps of the Trevi Fountain came into my mind and I smiled. I knew that although I did love Andy a part of me would always love Seb for however long I have left of my life.

I was still sitting there when Andy came home. Are you ok Hun he asked.
Come and sit with me I replied I need to talk to you.
He immediately looked worried, Ange please. dont.. lets not talk about your .
You are going to get better. He stopped at a loss for words.
I took his hand and took a deep breathNo Andy I am not going to get better and we have to face it.I I dont want to but I have no choice.
I have been thinking Andy.. I paused not sure how to continue. Go on he urged. I think it is time that I told Sebastien he has a son, he has a right to. No I held up my hands as Andy began to protest. I am not doing this to hurt you, but Andy both he and Matthew have a right to know I should have told him sooner.
But why? Why now, what has he ever done for Matthew? I love him as if he were my own where has Sebastien been the last five years? He spat out angrily.
How could he have been here when he didnt know? I asked.
Matthew loves you and always will, but Andy I have to do this my conscience will not let me die with this unresolved.
Please Ange dont, dont talk of dying, I cant stand it what will I do without you?
You will go on and live a long and happy life, you will find someone else and settle down and have a family of your own. Just make sure she loves my Matthew first again I stopped unable to carry on.
And so we sat together and cried, cried for what was to be and cried for what was never going to be.

Strangely this last dose of chemo did not seem to affect me as badly as the others had done, I did wonder if they might have given me a reduced dose but decided they wouldnt do that and not tell me.
The next day after Andy had taken Matthew to school and gone on to his work I settled down with my laptop. I needed to work out how I was going to contact Seb so I logged on to the official Il Divo site.
It obviously was meant to be I thought as I gazed in wonderment at the screen. The guys were going to be doing a book signing in Harrods the week after next. Somehow I would have to speak to him.
I had plenty of time to make my plans over the next couple of weeks. I had decided that it would be unfair of me to try and speak to him when so many other people were around and settled on a second plan.
The day had finally arrived, although Andy knew I intended to contact Seb he didnt know when or how. I know that secretly he hoped I had changed my mind.
I saw them off for the day and got myself ready, from what I had read on the forum you had to get to these things early as there was always a long queue.
There were about fifty people there when I arrived, many of them seemed to know each other and I did feel a little bit alone and isolated.
It was cold and I huddled inside my coat glad I had worn a hat as my hair had only just begun to come through and was still very sparse and stubbly.
I felt a tap on my arm and looked up to see a women standing in front of me with an expectant look on her face.
Oh sorry did you say something I asked?
She smiled, yeah Im Cat and this is Birgit she said as she indicated the woman beside her. Birgit is going to hold my place while I go and get us a coffee and I wondered if you would like one as you look so cold.
That would be lovely thank you I replied as I fumbled for my purse. Cat stopped me, no dont worry about that now give it me when I get back and off she went. While she was gone I chatted to Birgit who told me how she and Cat had met through Il Divo, she told me how she was an Uber with some Siren tendencies but that Cat was a 100% Siren. What about you she asked who is your favourite. I smiled, Seb it has to be Seb I replied wondering what she would say if I told her my story.
Cat was soon back with the very welcome hot coffee, she and Birgit filled me in on the way these things went. Usually its true fans who come to these signings but there is always the odd weirdo turns up said Cat indicating a woman who was about ten places in front of us in the queue. She stalks them, she is obsessed with Sebastien and follows him everywhere, he often looks a little worried when he spots her laughed Birgit and I can understand why she is scary.
Finally the doors opened and we allowed in, my stomach was knotted with nerves but luckily everyone was too excited to notice.
As we drew closer I could see him. I felt my throat constrict, oh my god he looks so good. What if he recognises me, dont me stupid I mentally chastised myself, you are about two stone lighter and have no hair how could he possibly know you.
God its so hot in here, I need to take my coat off but if I do I will have to take my hat off as well and everyone will see!
Cat and Birgit had taken off their outside coats and stashed them in their backpacks. Arent you hot asked Cat looking at my flushed face, why dont you take your hat and coat off?
I hesitated, I I I dont have any hair I whispered, I have just had chemo and it hasnt grown back yet.
Cat looked a little uncomfortable and I quickly reassured her that normally it didnt bother me and I never usually wore anything on my head. I just thought I should because of other people I explained. Birgit and Cat exchanged glances, well it doesnt bother us said Birgit so if you would be more comfortable take them off.
Gladly I did so and felt so much better, the heat really had been getting to me.
In my hand I clutched the envelope I had ready to give to Seb, it almost felt as if it was burning me.
Finally we reached the table. Urs was first and signed my book for me, To Ange love Urs. I thanked him and moved on to David who did the same. I swallowed nervously as I approached Seb, it felt as if my stomach was in my throat as I pushed my book towards him. He lifted his head and smiled, that Seb smile that goes straight to your heart just like an arrow.
Hi, he said as looked back at the book, Ange he said quietly and looked up again, its good to meet you. I nodded not trusting myself to speak, quickly I grabbed my book and thrust my envelope into his hand.


Puzzled he looked at it and then turned it over,I felt him go still as he read the words I had written. Quickly I left not even stopping at a very puzzled Carlos. I heard him calling as I ran from the room, wait, please wait miss I need to speak to you. I didnt stop but kept on running as if the devil himself was at my heels. I caught my breath on a sob, he did not recognise me, I knew he wouldnt but still a part of me hoped he would.

Sebastian felt cold as he looked at the envelope in his hands, Sebastien remember Rome Love Angelina he read.
Angelina his Angelina but she looked so different. He became aware of Carlos tapping his arm, are you ok Amigo he asked the ladies are getting impatient he said as he indicated the queue of bemused women standing in front of them.

Sebastian quickly composed himself and got back to work, he was his usual charming self but the other guys could tell he was not really concentrating.
After the signing they all questioned him on the strange woman who had left the envelope with him.

Please do not tell Raquel but when I was in Rome, and he went on to tell them what had happened and how he had met the most wonderful girl in the world.
And you let her go asked David, why?
Because I was already engaged to Raquel I could not do that to her.
So whats in this envelope then asked Carlos, why has she suddenly reappeared?
I do not know I havent had a chance to look yet replied Seb, you lot have been giving me the third degree.
Third degree, what is this third degree asked Urs with a puzzled look.
David laughed, come on I will explain lets give Seb time to read his letter.

Dear Seb
I expect you are wondering why after all this time I have contacted you?
I did try before, just after the band started to become well known but I was never able to get word to you.
The thing is Seb and this is so hard for me to say, I am dying, I do not have very long to live. I have a brain tumour, it first appeared five years ago. Yes not long after I got back from Rome. Anyway I had treatment and I thought I had beaten it. A lot has happended since then.
Oh Seb I dont know how to say this and please do not hate me. You have a sonhis name is Matthew and he is nearly five years old. Matthew has been my reason for living through all this but sadly this time there is no cure. I do not know how long I have and I will understand if you want to forget all about us but here is my phone number if you do want to talk.
Angelina.

Seb drew a deep breath and closed his eyes, he felt tears slip from his closed lids. He did not know if he was crying for Angelina or for himself. I have a son, he thought I have a son.

Urs and the others were watching and could clearly see he was distressed. Seb, Seb are you ok, whats wrong Urs gently asked as he sat beside him.

Silently Seb opened his eyes and passed the letter to his friend.
Urs said nothing as he read the letter then silently handed it to David and Carlos when he finished it
What are you going to do? he asked.
Seb sighed, I dont know, I really do not know. I have a son Urs, I have a son.

Are you sure asked Carlos sounds like a bit of a sob story to me, she has waited until you are rich and famous to tell you all this and he angrily shook the letter. Forget her she is a con woman and a scrounger.

Seb shook his head, no Carlos she isnt she is not like that she is telling the truth.
How can you be so sure asked David.

I did not recognise her today, she is thinner and has lost her hair, but just for a moment when I looked at her I thought I knew her.
Are you going to tell Raquel, asked Urs, all the guys thinking of Sebs sweet wife and how unhappy she was because they had never been able to have a family.

I dont know he answered with a sigh, I need to think. How could she not tell me I have a son, why did she not tell me!

She must have had her reasons and it sounds as if she has had a pretty rough time of it over the last few years reasoned Urs.
The others all nodded as Seb rose from his chair. I need to go and. Go and think, Ill see you all later and he left.

The other three sat looking at each other, well said David that was a surprise wonder what hell do?

Seb drove and drove he had no idea where he was when he parked the car in a layby. He looked at his watch he had been driving for about an hour and had left the suburbs of London behind him.
He took out the letter and read it over and over again before picking up his phone and calling her number.

Hello?
Angelina?
Seb, you called I
Why Angelina, why didnt you tell me?
Im sorry.. I was so hurt you left and I thought I would.
But I have a son and you never told me.
I tried Seb I could never reach you I tried to cont
Well you didnt try hard enough he said as he hung up the phone.

I sat and waited for him to call back but he didnt. I could call him I suppose now that I have his number but maybe I need to give him some time to get his head around it all.
He didnt call back for a week during which time I had convinced myself he had decided he did not want to know Matthew. Andy said it just proved what he had known all along, but I wasnt so sure. The Seb I had known would not turn his back on his son.

Have you decided what to do about your son? Asked David as they sat having a coffee.
Seb shook his head, nowell that is yes but.god David I want so much to see him but I have so much to consider first.
Such as?
Well first there is Raquel, if I am to know my son I have to tell her. Not least that I cheated on her. She is feeling so low already because we have not been able to have a baby this will be like rubbing her nose in it.
And then there is Matthew he is nearly five years old, he will have no idea who I am is it fair to disturb his life?
Well, yes they are all important points, but well Seb think about it Matthew is going to have his life disrupted in the worst possible way. He is going to lose his mother, doesnt he have a right to know his father?
Seb nodded, yeah I know but what about Raquel, how do I tell her?
Knowing Raquel she will be upset but reasonable, Seb you know as well as I do she is the most understanding, fairest person we know. Talk to her Seb be honest with her I am sure she will support you whatever you decide.

Later Seb pulled up outside his house, he sat in the car just looking at the windows of the house. It looked warm and inviting, Raquel had built him a lovely home there was just one thing missing and he knew how much that hurt her. They had a good marriage true there was no great passion but a mutual love and understanding of each other. She really is my best friend in the world mused Seb, I hope I am not about to destroy all that.

Inside the house Raquel watched as Seb sat staring up at the house, what is he doing she wondered. She couldnt suppress the feeling of apprehension she was feeling. She had known for a week that something was bothering him. She watched as he finally got out of the car and began to walk towards the door. She was shocked at the expression on his face. Quickly she ran to meet him concern written on her face as she opened the door. Seb, are you ok you look awful, whats happened?

She led him through to sit on the couch, I know that something is bothering you cant you share it with me.
Seb sat quietly looking at his clasped hands resting in his lap, he drew a breath not sure how to start.
Seb you are scaring me said Raquel, she stopped as a sudden thought hit her. She gasped, oh god no she cried you youve found someone else havent you she ended on a sob?
No, no thats not it, no Raquel please stop urged Seb as he reached for her, there is no one else.
He stroked her hair as she leaned against his chest. I am going to tell you something and I know you are not going to like it. I love you Raquel I have always loved you, we have shared so much, you are my best friend. I just ask that you hear me out before you decide what to do.
Raquel drew back and looked at him with fear in her eyes, slowly she nodded, ok Ill listen.

His hands holding hers in his he began to tell her how he had met Angelina in Rome.
I didnt mean for it to happen he explained, it was a weird time in my life. I wasnt sure if I should accept Simons offer and wewe were getting married and I was scared.
She was vulnerable and lonely, I have carried the guilt of that for a long time, I know that I hurt her very badly.

Why now, why tell me now, are you seeing her again?
No, its not like that, she came to the book signing last week and left me this. He reached into his pocket and drew out the letter which he silently handed to her.
With trembling hands Raquel took the letter and began to read. With tears in her eyes she lifted her head to look

With tears in her eyes she lifted her head to look at him, you have a son she whispered.
Yes, he replied.
And you really didnt know?
Not until last week no I didnt know.
And now she is dying, oh my god the poor girl. What are you going to do?

Seb sat looking at her, arent you angry with me he asked.
Seb, I love you with all my heart but I have always known that you didnt love me the sa
No let me finish please she said as he made to interrupt her.
I have always known you didnt love me in the same way I love you, I thought when we had a family that maybe you would. When you went away to Rome I fully expected you to come back and tell me the wedding was off. When you didnt I swore I would be the best wife to you that I could possibly be.
And you have he insisted, you have been the perfect wife and I do love you, very much as it happens. We have had a good marriage havent we?
Yes..but it has always been there, me not being able to give you a child and now.now you have that child, so I repeat what are you going to do?

Im not sure he replied, what do you think I should do?
Talk to her of course, find out what she is offering.
I hung up on her last week, I was so angry at her for not telling me and .he paused, I know this sounds stupid but I feel angry with her because she.she
Shes dying finished Raquel for him, did you love her?
Seb closed his eyes, god this was so hard, yes I think I did but I never stopped loving you he added as the tears ran down his face. Oh god Raquel I am so sorry I never meant to hurt you.
Raquel stood up and looked down at him the tears running unchecked down her cheeks, I need to be on my own for a while Seb, I need to think about what this all means.

Seb watched her walk from the room his heart aching, for her, and for Angelina and for the little boy he didnt even know.

He busied himself in the kitchen preparing dinner, cooking was therapy for him it helped him to organise his thoughts by the time Raquel joined him he knew what he had to do whatever the consequences.
Smells good she ventured haltingly, can I help?

Seb put down the wooden spoon he was holding and crossed the room to her, yes you can he answered, you can hold me he said with desperation and fear in his voice.
Oh Seb Raquel replied as she opened her arms to him, come here.

Later they sat quietly and discussed all of the possible outcomes.
Seb the only way to find out is to speak to her, and keep your temper under control it sounds as if more trouble is the last thing she needs.

The next day after Raquel had left for work Seb sat with his phone uncertain if he should call or not. Finally he plucked up the courage and called.
Seb hi, I didnt expect to hear from you again I said quietly half afraid he was going to shout again.
I know Im sorry I just had well I had a lot of thinking to do. Can we meet and talk?
I took a deep breath, of course when and where?
Today? If you are up to it of course he added.

He stood up as I entered the restaurant, god why does he have to look so good and why do I feel like this after all I love Andy now.

Hello Angelina he stopped as if unsure what to do or say next.
This is all very awkward isnt it I replied.
We ordered and sat waiting for our order neither of us sure where to begin.
I I began.
Angelina he said at the same time.
Please carry on said Seb.
I took a deep breath and began. I know I did wrong in not telling you about Matthew and I did try in the beginning After I was diagnosed it took all of my energy and time to cope with the pregnancy and the chemotherapy treatment. I knew you were married and it didnt seem fair to your wife to suddenly announce you had a son.
I thought about you often, I saw you on TV you are very good by the way.
Seb smiled thank you
Anyway I got married and I was happy and so was Matthew, Andy is a good man and he cares for us. I thought that was it and that would be our life but. Well the tumour came back
There must be something they can do.. another treatment said Seb with concern written all over his face.
I shook my head no we have tried all the available treatments I stopped and swallowed the lump in my throat I dont want to die..to die without you knowing your son
I could tell that Seb was finding it difficult to answer, he had tears in his eyes and when he did finally speak his voice was husky. Oh my Angelina he reached over and took my hand I have never ever forgotten you and that special time we shared, I should never have left you in such a way. Im sorry I hurt you I cannot bear it that after all this time I have found you again and nownow
He paused.
I know Seb, I know I replied as I squeezed his hand.
We spent hours just talking, about our partners and about Matthew.
Raquel is a lovely person and I love her dearly he said but it has never been.. well like you and me, I wish.. I wish it could have been different
The same for me, I love Andy and he has been so wonderful to me and Matthew the last thing I want to do is hurt him, or Raquel
Do you have pictures of Matthew?

I had come prepared with a supply of photos from when Matthew was born. I gave the envelope containing them to Seb and then excused myself to go to the bathroom.
I stood looking at myself in the mirror, I saw a thin, sickly looking woman looking back at me and wept for what I could never have!

And so began the process of introducing Seb to our lives. At first Andy was hostile towards him and unwilling to build a relationship with him.
One day I had enough of his complaining and lost my temper, do you think this is easy for me I yelled at him, you are an adult Andy, and Matthew is a child and has a right to know his Father, why cant you see that
He looked downcast as he flopped down on the couch, I do, I do see it but but Im afraid, afraid of losing you Ange, I know you love him I can see it in your face and.. he loves you its so obvious
Oh Andy I sat beside him and took a deep breath, Your right I do love him and Im sure he cares for me. But not in the way I love you and he loves Raquel. Its like well your first love its always special. I love you Andy and for whatever time I have left I want to be with you
Really?
Yes really
Can we do this, can we let Seb and Raquel get to know Matthew without your feelings complicating it?

He nodded, Maybe, I think so but what do you expect to happen Ange, do you want them to have him and I never get to see him again
No Andy you will always be a part of Matthewss life, I dont know what will happen but you are important to Matthew and always will be.

We arranged for Seb and Raquel to come round for the evening, Matthew was staying with Betty for the night. At first it was awkward and tense but gradually the atmosphere began to lighten as we got to know each other. Sebs wife is lovely; she is very beautiful but also a sweet and caring person. I could see how much she loves him each time she looked at him it was written plainly on her face.
I looked at Andy as he sat chatting to Raquel they had obviously hit it off well, and seemed to find plenty to talk about. How is it possible to love two men at once? Because I do, I love Andy dearly and yet Seb. Seb he pulls at my heart, that smile, those eyes that certain way he looks at you.

And so it was finally agreed that Seb and Raquel would start to join us on our outings so that Matthew could get to know them. I was against telling him that Seb was his Father just yet, I think he is too young to comprehend all that at once.
We introduced Seb and Raquel as friends to Matthew, I felt so guilty when I saw the way Seb looked at his son. There was such longing in that look and I knew he was desperate for Matthew to know the truth. But he is only a little boy how can I possibly expect him to understand.
Raquel and I sat and watched the three of them playing football; I could see that my son was enjoying having the two men as playmates.

This must be so hard for you, you are so brave I heard Raquel say. I turned to find her watching me with tears in her eyes.
No Im not brave, Im scared and angry and I want to scream out loud that this shouldnt be happening to me. But it wouldnt change anything would it? The outcome will always be the same, I could bear it I continued except for Matthew I will never see him leave school, have a girlfriend, learn to drive all the things I should be able to look forward to. And him, he will not have a Mum to be there at the school open days, the football matches.his wedding day I stopped blinded by tears and unable to speak for the lump in my throat.
Raquel openly crying by now put her arms around me and held me as I wept.

Mum, Mum did you see that I scored a goal? Matthew came running over to us stopping just in front of me with an uncertain look on his face. Whats wrong Mummy are you poorly again? He asked.
I shook my head no Mummys ok sweetie Raquel was just helping me get something out of my eye.
I could read the sympathy on Sebs face as he watched me and it just about broke my heart, I dont want to die yet but maybe it would be better for all of them if I did just that.


Can I have an ice cream? Asked Matthew in the way only a child can immediately lighten the mood.
Raquel jumped to her feet, come on young man lets go and get some ice cream then shall we?
Andy would you like to join us? She asked. I could see him hesitate as he looked at me and I nodded for him to go ahead Ill be fine you go

Seb and I sat and watched them go, Shes lovely your Raquel I said quietly
He nodded as he took my hand, I know she is but I cannot help but wish things had been different he sighed.
Oh Seb its too late for what might have been we now have to think about what is right for him and I nodded at the small figure disappearing with the two adults across the playing field. They look like a family I choked out as I watched Andy and Raquel swing him between them.
Seb put his arm around me and again I started to cry, Im sorry thats all I seem to do lately poor Andy is a saint to put up with me and my waterworks all the time
Ange we cannot begin to understand how you feel but I think we all know that you need the release that tears bring

I laughed I bet when you accosted that strange girl in Rome you never thought you would be sitting here like this one day did you?
I wish I could have been here with you every single day he replied. Oh its ok Im not going to cause any trouble with Andy or Raquel, but I have to tell you Angelina I have never stopped loving you or thinking about you
I know I feel the same and I really wish it could have been different for us but I can die in peace knowing that Matthew will have his Father in his life.


The silence that followed was suddenly disturbed by a small voice yelling Mum, look what Ive got I looked up to see Matthew charging back across the field with an ice cream balancing precariously in his outstretched hand. It will be a miracle if he makes it back with it intact laughed Seb. Miracles do happen I replied as Matthew came to an abrupt stop in front of us.
We looked at each other both wishing the same thing, if miracles do happen then!

And so we continued Seb and Raquel became an accepted part of our daily lives, some days when I did not feel so well they would take Matthew out for the day. They always made a point of asking Andy along if he wasnt working. He usually declined saying he would stay with me instead.
I noticed he was becoming quieter as the days wore on, something on your mind? I asked him one afternoon when the others had all left to go to the cinema.
He shook his head. Come on Andy I know you better than that by now, come on out with it
Its just these last few weeks I have been watching Seb and Raquel with Matthew, they are good with him and he obviously loves them
As he does you I interjected.

Yeah I know he does and I love him.. but.. Ange they can give him so much more than I ever could, a loving home, two parents, a comfortable life. What will he have with me, after school clubs and staying with my Mum when I am working?
So what are you saying? I prompted quietly.
I think its time he knew, knew that Seb is his real Dad, and maybe provided I can still see him that he should go and live with them when. when.well later that is
I sat and tried to absorb what I had just heard, for one thing that was probably the first time Andy had acknowledged that I was going to die.
Are you sure thats what you want? I asked.
As long as I can always see him or for as long as Matthew wants to see me that is
I am sure Matthew will always want to see you he loves you
Yes I know he does but Im not his Dad and he knows that, maybe its time for him to know the truth

Strangely enough a few days later it was as if Matthew must have known about our conversation, Mummy where did I come from he suddenly asked. I tried my best to explain to him where babies come from and how they are made. Well if Andy isnt my Daddy who is, is it Sebastien. That would be cool if Seb was my Dad
Amazed I sat looking at him, what makes you think that Seb is your Daddy I asked calmly although I was feeling far from calm.
Who else he replied with knowledge far beyond his years if its not Andy it must be Seb I swallowed, I knew that really Seb should be here when he was told but what could I do? I couldnt lie to him and then later tell it was true.

Before you were born Matthew Mummy and Seb loved each other, we made you and you are the most precious thing in the world to me We didnt know back then that you were going to be born and we didnt stay together
I swallowed again this is so hard to explain to a five year old. Anyway I met Andy and we got married and Seb and Raquel got married, but then you know that Mummy got ill
He nodded as he stared at me with those big green eyes.
Well Mummy has to go and live with the angels.and I and I thought that it would be.i thought you would like to meet your real Daddy I finished.
He sat quietly absorbing all I had just told him. Seb is my Daddy? He asked does he know he is my Daddy? I laughed yes darling he knows, he just wanted you to get to know him before we told you
Mummy can I come and live with the angels with you?
I shook my head, No sweetie its not your time yet you have to stay here with Daddy and Raquel and Andy, and one day when you are a very old man you will live with the angels and I will see you again
Now how about we get you some tea? I said as I jumped up from my chair, I just could not go on any longer.



After tea he had his bath and sat in his PJs watching TV until Andy came home. He heard Andys key in the door and went running to meet him. Andy, Andy guess what, Seb is my real Daddy and you are my other Daddy and ..and Mummy is going to live with the angels only Im not allowed to go until I am very old
Andy stood just inside the door and looked at me a million questions etched on his face.
I shrugged my shoulders He asked and I couldnt lie

Later when Matthew was in bed I explained to Andy what had happened, it did not feel right lying to him and I didnt have time to talk it over with any of you
Have you told Seb?
No not yet I wanted to talk it over with you first
I think you need to tell him now, what if Matthew announces it like he just did to me, thst wouldnt be fair
Oh Andy you are such a sweet man, I can never thank you enough for the happiness you have given us I reached up to stroke his dear face and he lightly kissed my hand. I love you Ange and I always will
He jumped up and headed for the bathroom closing the door behind him. I know how hard he tries to be strong for me but I also know how hard this is for him.

It wasnt doom and gloom all the time we had some really fun times. Days when we all took Matthew out for the day to the park or the zoo were always fun.
Some evenings Seb and Raquel would come round we would share a couple of bottles of wine and maybe play cards or a board game. Games invariably ended up with the guys cheating and all of us laughing until our sides ached. Somehow even when we were having fun a part of me remained detached as if I was watching all of us. I could be laughing until tears ran down my face but inside I would be crying, or worse screaming.

The days when I was able to join them became fewer and Matthew spent more and more time at Seb and Raquels, this seemed a good idea as it had been agreed that he would live with them whenwhen.. when the time came.
One day Andy and Raquel took Matthew out and Seb stayed with me. I was sleeping a lot at this stage. I protested that he should go with the others but he insisted he wanted to stay. We sat curled up on the couch his arm around my shoulders, sometimes words are not needed and this seemed to be one of those times the silence felt right and comfortable. It was only broken when I heard a sniff and caught Seb discreetly trying to wipe his face.
I sat up and looked at him, please Seb dont I cannot bear to see you sad, lets not spoil this time we have together it may be the last. the last day we spend alone.. ever.
You wont let my boy forget me will you, tell him about me when he gets older and on his special days.
Angelina our son will never forget you I will make sure of that. He will know that he had the most beautiful, most loving, caring, perfect Mama ever who fought so hard not to leave him. Not only will Matthew never forget you neither will I, you will always me my sunshine girl from Rome. I will think of those special days we shared and know that you will always be a part of me. He stopped unable to carry on and I reached up to his dear face. Seb I am so tired I dont think I can keep going for much longer, but I wanted to tell you how much I love you. I love Andy how could I not but you, you captured my heart that sunny day in Rome and it has been yours since.

Six months later.

Hi its Seb here, I promised Angelina I would finish her story for her and so.
She left us and we have all felt her loss so very deeply. Andy, Ruth and Shane have become our close friends and they all help Matthew cope with the loss of his Mama.
My son, what a legacy she left me he is amazing. Children are so much more able to rationalise and accept things than we are. He talks about her a lot perhaps not quite as much as he did, but he knows the day will come when he sees her again, after all she told him she would.
She left letters for every one, it is now six months and I still have not opened mine I cant not yet.
I sat with our son when he opened his first letter from her.
It told him what a special boy he was and how much she loved him. She asked him to look after Raquel and me and to help us, she said that as we had not been a Mummy and Daddy before he would need to teach us how. A brilliant idea as it gave him a sense of purpose but also made him feel very important.
She also left him other letters to be opened when he left school and went to work or Uni, a letter for when he passed his driving test, and a letter for his eighteenth birthday and lastly a letter to give him on his wedding day.
Her bravery astounded me to the very end. She left us with dignity even though her dreadful illness had tried so hard to rob her of it.

I had never seen Raquels letter, she did offer to show me but I said no, Angelina had meant it for her and her alone.


She had left instructions for her funeral which we all followed to the very last word.
No black only bright colours allowed, no mournful music only happy tunes. She wanted flowers as she loved them so much but they must all be yellow her favourite colour.
And after we were not to sit around crying but take Matthew to the zoo and have a happy time with him!
We did as she asked even if inside we were crying on the outside we were bright and smiling.
I miss her.. I miss her smile and her laugh, the way she would look at me when no one else was looking.

I have a lump in my throat today, Matthew is twenty seven years old today and this is his wedding day. This morning he and I went for a walk and I gave him the last of his letters from his Mama. He sat looking at it quietly just turning it over and over in his hands. I miss her Seb but.. but some days its hard to remember what she looked like I can just about remember what her voice sounded like and her laugh, she used to laugh a lot didnt she.
I nodded in reply finding words very difficult to say.


You and Raquel well you have been amazing parents but I wish my Mum could be here to watch me and Olivia get married.
Oh she will be here son I managed to croak out she will be right beside you. Every step of the way.



THE END