Road Trip – Hi-Jinx By: MoeD

ROAD TRIP HI-JINX


CHAPTER ONE - THE GAME'S AFOOT!


I could hear the scream across the Atlantic! Phone not needed. “We can be Thelma and Louise plus One!” I was holding Alex Bell’s pride and joy well away from my ear by now.

“Yeah, but we’re not taking guns and we’re NOT driving my car into the Grand Canyon. Besides, Cindy might not be feeling like meeting such a ‘romantic end.’”(Cindy being the Plus One.)

“No guns? But you told me every pickup truck in your state has gun racks full of guns mounted and clearly visible out of their back windows. And 99 percent of the vehicles in your town are pickups!” The romantic turn of phrase was already present in her voice. She was as fixated on this as her German Shepherd was on trying to go through the mail slot after the mailman each day. Wouldn’t do to tell her the macho men toting these guns all used them to hunt Bambi in the glorious autumn woods. Or that said men are so dedicated that my brother once went huntin’ on crutches and camped out in the snow for the whole week of the season! (often wondered if my mother did raise one fool!) Better to just try to tunnel her vision in a different direction.

“You know, we don’t even have seats yet and with those prices, we’re going to be looking at little Divo Ants with what we can afford.” Didn’t really want to rain on her parade, but by now her blood pressure had taken the elevator to the top floor and I couldn’t have her fallin’ off the roof into stroke territory.

“But your friend with the AmEx, or whatever it’s bloody well called, is going to get us seats early so they should be good.” The decibel level had not decreased even .000000001!

Ok, different tunnel -

“Altogether we will be about twenty-four hours on the road - it will be a tiring trip.”
“Twenty-four hours and how many states??!!” Her parade wasn’t even dampened but I needed an umbrella … or a parachute! Ok, time to bring out the big guns. (yeah, around here that would be the 30/30!)

I took a deep breath …

“Urs will probably be in Vegas by the time we get there … already holed up in his hotel room. I doubt that we’ll get to see him.” My voice was tentative because she was on such a roll, but I immediately slapped my own hand for being so foolish at having for one second doubted the power of that name!

I held the phone at arm’s length, just in case. There was only screaming silence then … “Urs,” breathed in dulcet tones. “Urs will be there. … when we get there.”

******************

Urs knew he was falling, but there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop it. It was one of those slow-motion moments that ought to allow time for averting, yet perceived time and real time are two different things. He thought he heard yells but then his head hit and all was darkness.
********************

My phone rang at 5:45 the next morning - I am a retired person, therefore it was obscene for my phone to be ringing at this hour! I picked it up…

“It is not yet six o’clock - you had better hope that is PM and I have slept through the morning and afternoon!”

“Sorry, forgot about the time difference.” She didn’t sound at all sorry. “Just calling to see about the tickets.” At least she had the good grace to say it meekly - a real chore and no mean accomplishment.

I softened - bless her - I was just as anxious.

“I’ll call you later today when I hear something.” I smiled as I rolled over to go back to sleep.

….round and round she goes!

CHAPTER TWO - WE GOT THE GOLDEN TICKETS! (Willy Wonka eat your heart out!)


Again I heard the scream across the Atlantic. Phone not needed. (Yeah, I had deja vu here too!) “The tickets are on the Swiss-French border - that’s the good news. The bad new is that they are on an Alp! Cindy is worried about a nose bleed! We will be seeing little Divo Ants!”

“I don’t care ... we have tickets! We’re there!” I heard manic laughter and the sounds of dancing feet on her wooden floor. If I didn’t do or say something quick the dingbat would probably do herself an injury (she always had great difficulty remembering her advancing years!). I could see the magic word was going to need to be employed again.

“Urs.” I said quietly into the receiver. All movement and sound ceased.
“What about Urs? Is something wrong with Urs?”

I had been too minimalist in my antidote! Now there was shrieking concern that something was wrong with Urs. I had plunged her into what should be known as ‘Urs panic’. (Surely this will eventually become an official psychosis if Il Divo’s fame continues to spread as it has up to now!) The woman always cheerfully admitted to being zany to the point of lunacy at times but seemed to be incapable of rational thought once the conversation got onto her favourite Divo subject. Mind you, Mention of the Swiss Rock God had strange effects on me to … like flinging me into one of my momentary ‘daydreams’, (I preferred to think of them as foreshadowing visions) This one ,of course was coloured by my ‘dear friend’s’ hysteria and I saw an injured Urs (minor of course - and no pun intended here) that I would be comforting.

“It will be all right, my darling, I’m going to take care of you.” He stood up and his arms slid around my waist as he pulled me closer I became lost in the depths of his amber eyes.

“No, it is I who will take care of you.” His kiss, tender at first became demanding as his tongue teased my lips then ravaged my mouth. As his hands began to move over my body ……….. the moment was lost because a grating voice coming from the phone kept insisting, “Are you there? Are you there for God's sake tell me about Urs now before I crawl down this phone and ..............?” (Damn woman!)

*******************

“Are you alright, mon ami?” The voice insisted again. Seb was bent over him and gently tugging at his shoulder.

Urs sat up, shook his head and looked a bit bewildered. “I can’t believe I tripped over that cord. We’ve done this crossover move dozens of times and no one has ever tripped. Guess all of the ‘clumsy’ jokes will start now.”

“Of course not, twinkle toes!” He wasn’t surprised that David was the first to start. Carlos came on the scene and apprised of Urs’ mishap, was obviously looking for an appropriate taunt.

“I’m fine,” Urs reiterated. “You can aim your humour somewhere else.” This being said without his usual good-natured tone caused the others to focus another concerned look at him. He chose to ignore their good intentions and deflected them to the task in hand. “We’ve got to finish getting ready for this tour - Barbra will expect perfection so she is going to get it, … right?. Vegas, here we come!”

“Uh, Nuryev, Vegas is not the first stop.” David had the concerned look again.

“I know that,” Urs pulled a face at him. “I had such a good time there last time that I’m particularly looking forward to Vegas.”

“Why?” asked Carlos.

“Aschually, I don’t know.” Urs looked as puzzled as the others.

He signalled the orchestra to begin playing before any more intrusive questions could be aimed at him … questions he was struggling to answer himself

******************

‘…where she stops nobody knows!…’

CHAPTER THREE - DETERMINED DIVA VERSUS THE WORLD!


“Urs, you missed the intro again.” David was becoming more than a little concerned. “I’m going to tell Steve to make an appointment for you to have some tests done - that fall could have caused some damage.”

Urs reluctantly nodded in agreement.

“I have had a couple of headaches,” he admitted. He didn’t admit anything about the funny mist swirling in his head in which images seemed to be forming. *************************

“The damned plane is delayed again!” I threw my purse down in exasperation! Cindy and I had been waiting at the Springfield airport for an hour and a half. We were waiting for our ‘Louise’ so we could get our threesome on the road to Vegas. We knew she had to change planes in Chicago but now her flight from there to here had just shown ‘delayed’ for the third time.

“…what the…,” I had just looked at the board and it was still showing the delay but here she was coming toward us. Her brow was furrowed in grim determination but changed to a broad grin when she saw us. Close on her heels was a flight attendant in a uniform I did not recognize …and she handed over the luggage without a word.

“Don’t ask questions - just get us to the car and drive.” Her look declared she had better be obeyed. There was no way , however, that two inquisitive souls like myself and Cindy would be able to stick to this for long.

“Ok, we’ve been driving for fifteen minutes now, what the hell is going on?” Cindy narrowed her eyes, she had been patient long enough - and she’s normally really laid back

“Ok, I’ll give you the short version. We were diverted to Maine because some little wannabe terrorist pervert told the flight attendant he had a bomb strapped to him and ‘no’, before you ask, I don’t know how the hell they thought he got by security with it, but they can’t take any chances! He was in first class and they cleared the rest of the people out of there. I Guess he figured he might as well kill himself in comfort! I realised my connection time was limited so I didn’t have time for his s**t. I zipped right in there. (who’s going to stop me? The pilot and attendants weren’t in charge at this point. They were much too busy flapping round like headless chickens to notice a kindly little old lady like me sneaking past.)

I told the little twit this was my ‘chance of a lifetime’ to do a road trip with my imperialistic, capitalistic Ugly American friends so he needed to rethink this because I had used my little cell phone before I came in here. Then I casually mentioned my important connections, since I am MI5 … and that if I was to die or, worse, not make my connecting flight, he should remember that we do have access to or can find any leader he thinks he is doing this for and that SOB would be toast!

(I did consider telling him the importance of seeing Il Divo but this philistine would never have heard of them - of course I might use that fact and pass them off as a counter-terrorist group! … maybe I could use some of Ammonet‘s stuff!)

Never underestimate the power of a short person who talks fast and tough and appears crazy. No one gets between me and my Divos! The Wimpy little perv’ admitted it was a bluff. But by now we were on the ground in Maine - so I decided to use somewhat the same approach with the airline people. End of short story … I came here on a company private jet!”

“Good God Gertie!”(one of my favourite expletives) what really happened?”

Silence.

“Oh my God!” Cindy exclaimed. “I think she’s telling the truth!”

Silence reigned in the vehicle and Moe smiled a secret little smile while Cindy and I pondered possibilities. Nah, couldn’t be … could it?

Our attention was diverted by a van parked along the interstate and a very old lady struggling to fix a flat tyre. I pulled over and stopped. I had the tyre changed in short order (having learned how after coming home from my UK trip where my friend and I had stood beside the M62 while her poor daughter Em changed the flat all alone… we did offer words of encouragement!) The old lady, obviously a Native American quietly thanked us. Her van was full of pungent smelling herbs and in few words, she explained that she was a healer. Staring at me with eyes that resembled raisins in her wizened face, she said, “I will give you a gift.” She rummaged around in a box and handed me a leather string with what looked like a bear claw attached. Looking into my eyes in a way that gave me a slight shiver, she said, “The bear will see your thoughts.” I thanked her and we were on the road again. CHAPTER THREE - DE
“Well if the rest of the trip is as exciting as this first day…” Thelma and Louise Plus
“Well if the rest of the trip is as exciting as this first day…” Thelma and Louise Plus One roared with laughter as we drove through the night toward our hotel …our haunted hotel!

*****************

‘ …. fate has cards that it don’t want to show!’ ……

CHAPTER FOUR - HAUNTED HOTEL

Part 1 -


We reached the edges of Oklahoma City as the sun began to slip below the horizon. Cindy drove as I checked the map for the hundredth time (I’m a stickler for accuracy - Urs would be proud of me … well he would if he knew!)

“We go straight up this road for four blocks and turn left,” I said decisively - “see I told you I would get you there before dark!”

“Not there yet,” came the murmur from the back seat - smart a**e had to have the last word again! I turned round and pulled a face at her. “Oh dear whatever would Mr Buhler think of that madam!” she giggled at my immaturity and I was forced to join in.

“Hey, you two … just keep your eyes and minds on the road and we may actually be able to get to bed at a decent hour tonight.” Sane, sensible Cindy as usual had the real last word but having to keep her eyes on the road meant she didn’t see the mimed parodies of her stern face coming from her two ‘juvenile’ travelling companions and we thought our antics were just the cleverest thing!

As I had predicted we reached the hotel only a few minutes later.

In 1910 oilman W.B. Skirvin had built his eponymous monument with the wish to make it the finest hotel in the south-west. Its history wasn’t always glorious however, ranging from some time as a speak-easy in the thirties and culminating in the legend that had made us pick it for our stop-over.

The tale went that he had risked an affair with a hotel maid who had subsequently become pregnant. She was kept a prisoner in the hotel, even after the birth of the child and became so depressed that one night she jumped, babe still in her arms, to her death. She remained unknown but the staff nicknamed her ‘Effie’ and soon patrons were telling of ghostly voices and a baby’s cries. Some men even reported seeing a naked ‘Effie’ while they were showering, one even proclaiming that she had physically assaulted him. (I was particularly disturbed when Moe sneered and said that this was just the kind of ghosts we would become! … Well, if I was going to have to haunt someone, might as well be a man in a shower … and if he was naked, … why shouldn’t I be? )

The hotel had closed in the 1980s and had stood empty since then but a splendid refurbishment had now re-opened its doors once more.

We stood in the grandiose lobby, admiring the lavish use of crystal and marble to restore much of its former glory but Moe’s eyes seemed to be restlessly scanning everywhere.

“You’re looking’ for the ghost, aint ya!” I sneered. She turned superior eyes to me.

“Don’t be silly … I … I’m just looking at the lovely paintings.” I chortled at her lame excuse but then also looked around at the numerous nooks and crannies hiding God only knows what - perhaps Effie! … and I suddenly imagined the Divos doing the same …..

*******************


Urs sat bolt upright in his seat.

“What’s the name of the hotel we are heading for?” He wiped beads of sweat from his forehead and the others immediately saw the signs and began to worry anew.

“What’s it this time, buddy?” David’s cajoling voice broke into Urs thoughts and the two men looked at each other intently.

“The hotel doesn’t have a ghost does it … I don’t want a naked ghost in my shower!” David couldn’t help smiling. The Swiss man had been acting strange for days but this was something else!

“Ghosts … who’s been spooking you with ghost stories?” Urs’ eyes cleared and he looked at David fearfully before letting the mask of control slip over his features once more. He chuckled softly.

“Just a stupid dream, my friend, nothing to get worried over.” He smiled but it somehow didn’t quite reach his eyes. He would be glad to see what the doctor had to say about this.

********************

‘ …know when to walk away…!’

CHAPTER FIVE - Haunted Hotel

Part 2

The room we were shown to, whilst sumptuous and welcoming, held an eerie feeling that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I shrugged, feeling that I was obviously getting too old if I was going to let an old legend, that was probably only a publicity stunt anyway, get to me. Moe and Cindy delighted in opening the wardrobes and drawers and checking out the shower in the bathroom (and alternately humming the Twilight Zone theme or the ’re, re, re, re’ from Psycho - wrong Hotel girls! ) but I just sat wearily on the edge of the bed and watched the kiddies play.

“Aww, come on sourpuss … have some fun … we’re on the trip of a lifetime remember!” Moe’s latest nickname for me did not fill my womanly heart with love and my well-aimed cushion soon told her that I still knew how to have fun, (if it’s good enough for the guys in the fanfics, it’s good enough for me!) The sight of the ensuing pillow fight between two grown women brought Cindy’s ‘tutting’ face out again! We, of course continued to snipe at each other - well … it was a matter of honour - didn’t we win that revolution? … you’d think Cindy would recognise that and help me get the Limey once and for all! This was such fun, I never had a sister to fight with before!

Our advancing years - God help us - finally told the tale however and we both collapsed on our respective beds in fits of laughter. Cindy suggested a reviving cup of tea or coffee and Moe and I both turned puppy dog eyes on her in gratitude. Once revived we quickly made ready to go to dinner … driving hundreds of miles … and indulging in adolescent pillow fights can really give a girl an appetite! Besides … Effie might decide to put in an appearance!

The dining room was impressive and the food delicious. We ate our fill and then moved to the terrace to enjoy the crisp evening air and a well-earned cocktail or two. My mind drifted back to the legend.

“I wonder how much of Effie’s story is true? Did that nasty oil baron really lock that poor girl up in this hotel - what a ba****d !” I could see Cindy nodding her head in agreement and wondering if lynching could be retroactive!

“Well,” Moe added “if she was as fruity as the story suggests, he probably did it to protect the customers, - wouldn’t do to have her running round groping the gentlemen guests now, would it? Mind you, he does sound like something of a philanderer - I see him as he turns the key in the lock, twirling a long moustache and raising a sneering eyebrow just like the villains in the old time silent movies. Hmmm … why does he look like Carlos in my imagination? ‘ello babies … want to climb into my suitcase and I’ll lock you in my hotel room?” I spluttered my drink down my chin as I picked up on her image. “Of course we divas would turn nasty if he just locked us in, never again to see our Divos - we’d escape and find him and … and … the ubers, sirens and divas would band together and … well, who knows what we would be capable of if deprived of our darlings. Of course the cuties would try to rescue him but we would out-number them… this is getting really silly now, isn’t it!” Cindy and I nodded sagely - God, she was on a roll! Of course, she is a veteran of good-natured Uber-Cutie wars!

My mind drifted as I saw a shadowy figure running down a corridor pursued by a band of angry women. He came nearer to me and I saw the haunted expression of a desperate man as I looked into Carlos’ eyes. He was grabbed from the rear and someone slipped a noose made of hundreds of pairs of knickers, around his neck. A hefty, wild-eyed woman began hauling on the makeshift rope but just then Urs emerged from a doorway and grabbed his friend, dragging him to safety as the women clawed desperately but encountered only air. Urs looked at my face before disappearing into the room with his band-mate.

*************************

“Carlos, Carlos … mein gott … what are they doing to you? Come with me quickly.” Urs clutched at the empty air in search of an invisible hand. Carlos gingerly approached his friend. He was reluctant to wake him but these nightmares were tormenting him … and now Urs seemed to be saving him from some terrible fate. As he shook him he wondered what sort of peril Urs thought he was in but he refrained from asking, deterred by the look of panic in the eyes of the slowly awakening man.

Urs looked at the others, all surveying him now with looks of concern. He had nothing to tell them, least of all that these ‘visions’ were coming more and more regularly and he wondered who the woman was who had stood watching. She looked vaguely familiar.


*****************************

‘…know when to run…!’

CHAPTER SIX - A DOG’S TALE (no rude comments thankyou very much!!!!)

“Awww please pull over Marie - if I don’t get to a restroom very soon there is going to be a puddle on this seat.” She was jiggling around like a little girl and could be ignored no longer if the upholstery was to be saved. She whined on and on and, even though we still had far to many miles to go, we had to stop to eat anyway so might as well kill two birds with one stone - one of them literally if she didn't shut up!

“Okay, okay … too many details! Just hold your water!” I laughed at my own joke but for some reason Moe didn't see the funny side. “There is a picnic site a few miles ahead. We can stop there, use the facilities and then have our lunch.”

“Thank the lord for his mercy!” was the grateful whisper from the back seat. I checked the rear view mirror to see if she was just being a smart a*s, but saw her anxiously check the road and I just knew any minute she would be asking 'Are we there yet?’ Excitement not only affected her bladder in unfortunate ways, it also seemed to be having the power to make her regress in age to the point I wondered if she should be in a safety seat!
.
Once everyone was comfortable and happy again we picked a secluded spot and spread our picnic out under a scrawny but shade-giving tree and proceeded to attack the food ravenously.

“Eat the sandwiches before the chocolate cake,” Cindy informed me !Your sweet tooth is going to be the death of you.” She was still in full teacher mode having only escaped from the classroom the previous day and she couldn’t yet shake the need to correct the behaviour of her co-travellers. I would love to have been there when she told the principal she was taking a week of personal leave days … again! (she did that last year when we went to see the boys in Niagara). Guess the principal will just have to check the Divo schedule to see where the guys will be next year if he wants to have that substitute teacher lined up for Cindy.

“Well I have to get in quickly before Moe demolishes the lot.” I eyed the chocolate cake again.

“Shut up! You know you had the last of the Jaffa cakes. I am very aware that whatever you said, it was NOT a case of a hungry ghost in the hotel last night.”

I had the good grace to blush but still managed to filch the next to last cake … my second!

Moe finished her sandwich and, as she recalled a story from our London trip for Cindy, (She made it sound as though I had carnal knowledge of every bartender in the UK and I reminded her that at least one was a concierge!) She stretched her hand out for the beckoning cake but it contacted only air. She looked down quickly to see the furry little butt of a prairie dog disappear into a nearby grassy hillock. Forgetting all her inhibitions about what else may live in the long grass, Moe dived after it … that was her bloody cake! Now I had promised her that the snakes in Missouri would all be asleep for the winter (she assures me her fear of them is deathly) but the warmer climate of Texas is another matter. I decided this was probably not the best moment to impart that tidbit of information.

She crouched on all fours, heedless of her backside being stuck up in the air. Her eyes were focused on a burrow in the soft soil.

“Come out you thieving little varmint.” We were impressed with her grasp of the local vernacular (sounded right funny with her accent … sort of like John Wayne meets James Bond!) She picked up a convenient stick and rooted around the hole, determined to get her cake back. (although why she would want it now ... must be the principle of the thing.)

The next minute all hell broke loose as Moe fell back from the hole screaming. In addition to her already ample bosom, her loose t-shirt was now being stretched to its limit by an alarming bulge, but the most bemusing feature of her problem was a short hairy tale, tipped with black, which swished to and fro across her chin giving the appearance of an erratic little beard.

Cindy and I watched events and whooped with laughter, tears running down our cheeks and laughed even more at what the ASPCA would think of how far she tossed the little guy when she fished him out. For some reason, I thought about how funny it would be if Urs could see her now! He would come to Moe’s aid, help her to her feet and remove the angry little rodent from her cleavage - how much would she love that - well, he’s supposed to be a ‘boob man’ and heaven knows he wouldn’t be disappointed there. Moe’s boobs arrive in a room ten whole seconds before the rest of her body! I laughed even harder.

********************

Urs rubbed his forehead distractedly and Sebastien, noticing this, questioned his friend.
“Do you ‘ave the ‘eadache again Urs? Maybe you should see a doctor again!”

Urs looked into Seb’s eyes and shook his head quizzically.

“No … it was another of those visions … so strange! This time it was another woman and she had a furry animal stuck down her shirt … so I got it out for her. I had to rummage around in there to get a grip of it. It felt … very nice!”

“Oui, fuzzy animals feel nice.” Sebastien felt his friend needed support.

“Oh, yeah, the animal too,” Urs mumbled.

Sebastien shook his head … this was getting worrying, even though the doctor had assured them that Urs only had a mild concussion and that things would right themselves soon. He watched, concerned, as his friend shrugged and looked off to the distant horizon.

*************************

….ya got to know when to hold ‘em! C

CHAPTER SEVEN - THE BIG TEXAN STEAK RANCH HAPTER SEVEN - THE BIG TEXAN STEAK RANCH

Amarillo, Texas! Everything in Texas is bigger; if you don’t believe that, ask any Texan! I entertained a momentary lewd thought. I smiled … actually more probably a leer since my favourite Divo is the object of my speculation!.

***************

The Divos were relaxing over breakfast. Urs suddenly gave a little yelp and looked down into his lap as he felt unexpected stirrings.

“Spill some hot coffee there, bro?” David showed concern.

“Uh, yeah, that’s what happened.” And to back up his answer, Urs blotted his ‘cheans’ with his napkin and breathed a sigh of relief … or was it regret?
**************

The Big Texan Motel was constructed of cinder blocks and designed to resemble a main street in an old west town. It also featured Texas themed décor and a Texas-shaped swimming pool. We ain’t stayin’ here! Our destination was the restaurant next door - The Big Texan.

“Its reputation revolves around its 72 oz steak (The Texas King), which is free if you eat the entire meal (which also includes a bread roll with butter, potato, ranch beans, shrimp cocktail, and salad) in less than one hour (otherwise, the cost is $72.00)” Cindy jabbered all this information over my shoulder as I drove the dusty street.

We pulled up to the big bright yellow building which sported blue trim. There was a giant cow statue advertising the 72 oz steak. Now why were we here, you may ask. (I asked the same question-‘why the hell are we going there??’) Cindy had recited the part about the steak in answer to our queries and Moe and I had stared at her - I know we can both tuck it away, but not that much. Cindy had explained that we would be spectators and we were now looking at the stage.

In the centre of the large open floor of the main dining room was a raised platform with a single chair and table for one … with a bucket underneath the table. (don’t want to think about that!) There were two full shakers of salt and a digital timer on the table and on the facing wall, an enormous cattle skull. (well, that’s rather rude - imagine how the poor thing must have felt!) The participants had to sign an agreement of health liability before being allowed to take part - wouldn‘t do to have the would be stars keeling over in mid-bite!. We were informed that the current record for the meal is 9.5 minutes set in 1987 by a professional baseball player and he had successfully completed the challenge seven times. Can’t seem to wrap my mind around a picture of him … in fact … not sure I want to!!!.

The restaurant also had a giant rocking chair (the mind boggles), a ‘shooting gallery,’ slot machines, limo service, and gift shop. (I’m betting there is a tee shirt with ‘I can’t believe I ate the whole thing’ on the front and a picture of a poor cow running for its life on the back!)

We were quite pleased with the normal steak dinners we ordered but we were disappointed that no one had accepted the challenge tonight - just our luck!. Over coffee, we laughed and imagined what the Divos would make of a place like this.

****************.

Urs’ eyes were wild as he grasped Carlos’ arm. “Don’t eat steak for dinner - it‘s too much … you will burst!’

The Spaniard, patted his arm and promised. The doctors kept assuring them that Urs was going to be normal again … they were all anxiously wondering ‘when?’

Urs quickly regretted his outburst, but the ‘vision’ had been so real - Carlos trying to eat half a cow - throwing up in a bucket - while he, Urs watched from some giant rocking chair! And, to complete the sorry scene David and Seb laughing manically as they shot row after row of little moving ducks! *********************

We finished our dinner and as we left the restaurant, Cindy grabbed her camera and ran around behind the big bovine statue. She came back looking rather sheepish and announced that it was a cow. I burst into fits of laughter knowing what she was looking for. In Niagara, there had been a moose that was really a bull moose! She was hoping for a companion picture. I explained to a bewildered Moe.

“Easily amused Americans,” thought Moe, but the comment she made aloud brought back my earlier lascivious thought!

***********************

“I will not look! I will not look!” Urs repeated in his mind. He looked.
***********************

…luck be a lady tonight! …

Bizarre ... us???? Never!!! Nutty as fruitcakes ... yes!!!!

Usual disclaimer: As you will have guessed we have taken a string of real places which might just be visited on out trip - this is where reality ends, however ... no one was hurt, especially Divos... double especially Urs!! Let's be honest here - if he could really read out thoughts we would die ... of embarrassment!!!

CHAPTER EIGHT - CADILLAC RANCH


There were cars buried in the ground up to the divider posts between front and rear windows. Most of the roof, the back wheels and the trunk were sticking up in the air. They were ten in a line … and David was dancing on the back bumper of one. Then he would hop down and move to another, grumbling because they were too far apart to jump from one to the other. He kept laughing and urging the other three to join him. Urs tossed in his sleep but mercifully did not wake. ********************

Stanley Marsh III is eccentric - many millionaires are, ‘specially Texas ones so Stanley calls himself Stanley Marsh 3, viewing III as pretentious … the Cadillac ranch was a monument to him The story went that when it was time for a new car, 3 had the old one buried nose first on his ranch. The truth was that he hired a group of San Francisco artists called the Ant Farm to help him create this unique display on his ranch just west of Amarillo.

They purchased ten used Cadillacs the oldest being a 1948 and the newest a 1963. The exhibit, facing west, along a stretch of historic route 66 was supposed to represent the “Golden Age” of American automobiles. Soon tourists from all over the world came and left their graffiti on the cars’ original turquoise, yellow, gold and blue paint. The cars have pretty much been ‘stripped’ by vandals, except for their wheels which have been welded on. In 1997 the whole thing was dug up and moved because Amarillo was expanding.

They have had new paint jobs several times, the current one being black in honour of a deceased member of the Ant Farm. Now 3 didn’t mind the graffiti here but he didn’t want anyone messing with his unusual road sign collection. Wielding a hammer, he once penned an 18-year old boy in a chicken coop when he caught the him red-handed with one of his signs. The law did frown on 3’s brand of justice!

We stared at the cars and I could sense the others‘ feelings as they took in the extent of this work of art. The mood of quiet awe was, however, soon dispelled. A smile spread across Moe’s face and from her oversized bag, she produced three cans of Krylon! Oh yeah! This was too good an opportunity to miss!

‘Moe lurves Urs’-‘Marie luvs Urs’-‘Cindy loves Il Divo’ (all four? - tart!)

We spent a very happy and sometimes manic hour dashing from exhibit to exhibit and girlish giggles could be heard as each tried to outdo the others in cleverness and artwork. Finally we finished our artistic endeavours by enclosing all of the above in red heart outlines. We laughed and stood back to admire our handiwork . Suddenly I was struck by a thought. which I couldn't help voicing:

“I wonder what the boys would write?” Moe and Cindy looked at me and I could tell that this question had piqued their interest. After many ribald and totally impossible suggestions it was agreed that whatever they decided on they would be singing while doing it.

*******************

Urs was talking quietly to the other four.

“We were spray painting on cars that were half buried! And we were singing some stupid song about a pink Cadillac!”

“Pink Cadillac … Cadillac … My God!” exclaimed David. “It’s the Cadillac Ranch!” Then he explained to the others. But how did it get into Urs dream? “It’s been mentioned in several TV shows, you must have seen one sometime,” reasoned David.

Urs knew he had never seen such a thing but better to let the others accept that explanation. And another terrible dream memory drifted into his head - those women had been painting on the cars too! Who the hell were those women?

********************

“ … know when to fold ‘em …”

CHAPTER NINE - DANCE THE LINE!


Albuquerque, New Mexico! We rolled in late, checked into our motel, went for a bite to eat and were ready to call it a night, until, from a couple of doors down from the restaurant we heard music! We were compelled to explore!

We were welcomed at the door by Heath Ledger from Brokeback Mountain … except a more macho version - and, of course it really wasn’t Heath, but a pretty good knock-off. Anyway ‘Heath’ welcomed us in and stamped the backs of our hands with a big green star and told us we didn’t owe any cover charge as it was ladies’ night.

We soon saw why ladies were in free - the clever policy had brought in probably a hundred men at ten bucks a head plus all the over-priced beer they consumed … ladies were REAL popular around there!. We spotted a little table over in a corner and headed for it, passing up several offers of chairs … and other things, along the way .

The music was loud and pure country - songs about getting drunk, losing your man/woman, cheatin’, prison, mama, trains or big trucks! - the usual ‘country’ fodder!

A Daisy Duke waitress came over to take our order and we had already had the talk with Moe about what would happen if she ordered cider … they would laugh and wouldn’t have it anyway. Cindy and I ordered MGDs and Moe did the same but gave us a superior look. Our beers arrived and Cindy and I took a long pull from ours, Moe made a show of taking a sip, prepared to make a face but instead, shot us a big grin and took a pull on hers like a real pro. (oh yeah, in this bar, even the women drank directly from the long necks!)

The band returned from their break and when the music re-started, so did the dancing … Texas Two Step! Cindy, being a cute little blonde got the first offer at our table so she hit the floor with a good lookin’ guy in fine tight jeans, western shirt, and boots (probably the only attire allowed for men here! ) Then Moe and I got offers - she declined because of not yet being ready to attempt country dancing and I declined because … I ain’t dancing with him!

We had a couple more beers and were enjoying the music and the ‘show.’ There was one woman, rather large, rather loud and with huge boobs that wanted to dance with all the men (at least she seemed to be working her way through the ranks as most of them were too polite to refuse her.) A slow song began to play and she nailed a guy at the table next to ours,

“C’mon, honey, let’s you and me rub belt buckles on this one!”

Thelma, Louise, and Plus One burst out laughing! We couldn’t help it as we watched the hapless man being dragged onto the dance floor and while she did a lot of ‘rubbin’, it’s was NOT necessarily his belt buckle. The height of the man prompted Moe to comment:

“That would be like trying to dance with David.” I immediately pictured the tall Divo with this woman and burst into hysterics again .(the beers were making that pretty easy.)

“Actually, it would probably be funnier to see Seb dancing with ‘Ms Big Boobs!’” I offered.

********************

Urs visibly jumped in his seat and turned to scrutinize David and Seb in the back seat of the SUV.

“Something wrong?” The others knew by now that Urs had been ‘seeing’ something.

“No, no, I’m fine.” He was becoming tired of telling them the contents of his visions/dreams and seeing their deepening concern. He did however, glance quickly to see if David’s belt buckle was extra shiny.

*********************

We quit laughing as the man made his way back to the table, as we figured … scarred for life! The woman was off in search of her next victim when the band-leader announced it was time for some line dancing.

“Oh no!” Moe exclaimed. “I told you before, I don’t care where we are, there will be no line dancing.” Cindy and I literally dragged her to the back row where we could do a bit of teaching without being too noticeable. Pretty soon she was doing a fine Electric Slide and was even smiling a bit. Then they started ‘Slap Leather’. This was a little more complicated but pretty soon we were all flipping our foot up at the proper time and slapping our instep. One rather drunk ‘cowboy’ insisted on trying to help us with the steps. He slipped his arm around Cindy and said, “Can you kick that foot a little higher, Little Lady?” Only slightly arching one eyebrow, she coo-ed, “Sure can, Honey Pie - why I can raise it all the way to crotch level.” She smiled sweetly, he slunk off - he wasn’t that drunk!

When we finally returned to the table we all had a case of the giggles. Moe, however, stopped us in mid cackle!

“Can you imagine teaching Divos to line dance?” (now we know why Moe started enjoying herself) Cindy and I joined in immediately … this was a subject we could all relate to.

“Yeah, David as tall as he is … and Seb!” We imagined Seb with hip action and trying to remember which boot to ‘slap.’ And Carlos trying to impress the weemenzz. And Urs, poor baby would probably not have found this nearly ‘rocking’ enough!

***************************

Urs started again. He knew this time they would demand an explanation. “I just had an impression of us dancing, sort of … we were all in a line and there were a bunch of women-“ (and those three were there again-he didn’t finish. And who the hell were those TWO?”)****************************

“You know,” (when Moe started with ‘You know,’ we knew that she was about to share something she had learned from that Guide Book to the Old West that she bought. “Slap leather in the old West meant, ‘draw your gun.’ She got blank looks from us. “Can’t you imagine the Divos at the OK Corral?”

“Wrong state, honey,” I told her, but couldn’t help imagining them in western get-up and ‘packin’ six-shooters.

*****************************

Urs sat, holding his body rigid. It wasn’t real, don’t think about it! But he flinched as smoke rose from the barrels of the repeatedly fired pistols. “Mein Gott!” he thought. “When will this end?” ********************************

‘… jacks or better! …’

CHAPTER TEN - MULE TRAIN … YAH!

We had left the interstate highway and were headed on ‘the loop’ to the Grand Canyon of the Colorado! As we neared the visitors’ centre, I decided it was time to tell Louise and Plus One about the wonderful surprise I had arranged for them.

Plus One, aka Cindy, grabbed my arm and I noticed her knuckles were white - I was just hoping that I did not encounter any sharp curves that would require my turning the steering wheel quickly.

“Tell me that you did NOT book one of those river rapids rafting trips.”

“Ok, I didn’t book an RRRT! Something better … mules … to the bottom of the canyon!” I have not experienced this much silence in this car since this trip started. “Actually not the trip to the bottom - those have to be booked about two years in advance - we’re going on the one hour ride along the North Rim.” At least Cindy breathed again - the sigh of relief let out so much air that my head almost hit the windscreen in the draught!. Poor Moe, however, had been holding her breath since she heard the word ‘mule.’

“You Americans and your fetish for riding anything that has four legs and a tail!” She huffed and muttered about ridiculous customs but eventually she fell silent.

I told them it would be a great experience … they made polite replies … and even if I knew they weren’t plannin’ to get on the mules I forged ahead! I decided I might as well recite the restrictions before they read them posted there and embarrassed us all in front of people.

‘Mule riders must not weigh more than 200 pounds fully dressed, must be at least 4 feet 7 inches tall and must be able to speak, and understand fluent English, must be in good physical condition, should not be afraid of heights or large animals and cannot be pregnant.’

Cindy swore she was only 4 feet six and I’m pretty sure I heard a mutter from the back seat … something about English and pregnant and lost weight.

“It will be fun,” I assured them. The muttering continued. I think it was the accented one who said,

“Can’t we just have a group root canal?”

I coaxed, pleaded then bullied until … success! There we were on the sure-footed (we hope) critters, enjoying the beauty nature had carved. The flora and the fauna - oh yes, forgot to mention that, especially to my English friend … the fauna - the unique to the Canyon, pink rattlesnake. Moe saw it; Moe screamed (I think I mentioned her fear of snakes and the fact I hadn’t told her they stayed awake all winter in warm climates) then Moe’s mule bolted!

The guide was obviously experienced in these matters because things were quickly under control; we were escorted back to the starting point. I think Moe had used words these people didn’t know existed in the English language (well not in America, at least) She was incandescent and she threatened to ‘slap me silly’ then declared that an oxymoron, if I had any more such stupid ideas. Cindy looked like she needed CPR - more from laughter than fear it has to be said.

Time for the magic word. “Well, Moe, just pretend your mount was running away…”

“Pretend,” she screamed. “Were you not just watching?”

“You didn’t let me finish - pretend Urs just happened to be a tourist wandering by and rescued you.” I could do with a bit of this fantasy myself as I felt strong arms lifting me from the frightened animal.

********************

“Jackass!” Urs screamed and grabbed the hand that was reaching out to him.

“Geeze,” said David. “I was only going to wake you from a screaming nightmare. You were having one of those dreams again?”

Urs was wide awake now. “I’m sorry David. It’s those women again - they were riding mules - one ran away - for some reason I was there - I stopped it and lifted her to safety before she fell into this big ditch and she was looking up at me like she expected…expected…where the hell are these dreams and thoughts coming from?”

He knew what the doctor had said. Because of his concussion, he might have people, places and events jumbled for awhile - people he knew in places they would not ordinarily be, etc. But these were places that would never have entered his thoughts and who the hell were these women? And why was he beginning to think that two of them seemed vaguely familiar? He rubbed his face and looked up at his friend. “What am I going to do? This is driving me crazy!”

“We’ll make an appointment and see another doctor.” He was wondering, privately, however, if this one should be a therapist! “Try to get some sleep, buddy.”

**************************


“…let it ride! …’

CHAPTER 11 - HOOVER DAM!

“There it is, there it is … at last!” Cindy waved her arms as though she had conjured it out of a hat rather than finally found it after poring over a map, then directing (or mis-directing) us through endless detours and side roads and then finally tossing the damn map out of the window. Moe peered through from the rear seat, eager to be impressed but she scanned the horizon without result.

“Is that it? It’s just a lake; a very pretty lake but a lake never the less. I thought we had come all this extra way to see the Hoover Dam … not the Hoover Lake!”

“Actually, Miss Condescending, the lake is Lake Mead and those two structures sticking up over there are the intake towers for the dam.” I know Moe is my friend but I will not have her ‘diss-ing’ our National wonders. “When we get to where we are parking you will see the splendour of the dam itself - hell, you can even jump over the edge if you so desire … I‘ll give you a leg up!” I giggled at my own joke but Moe simply stared at me, apparently un-amused in best ‘Queen Victoria’ fashion.

“Oh!” was her disinterested and only reply.

I thought some statistics might re-awaken her interest so I began quoting.

“They began building in 1931 and finished four years later. Altogether it took the equivalent of more than 402,000 trucks full of concrete to construct it.” (My teacher delivery has never been forgotten but I was preaching to fellow educators … they had heard it all before (or thought they had!) Yawns can be so derogatory!

“Philistines!” I sneered, “my sixth graders listened better than you two!” Was that blah, blah, blah I heard coming from the back seat? I turned, trying to catch out my disaffected British passenger but she now had her head turned to the window and was whistling softly. Cindy wore the closed expression of one who wouldn’t allow a comment to be drawn from her lips by red hot pincers … I give you my dear friends, ladies and gentlemen!

I laughed in spite of them and, with a dismissive click of my fingers, swung the car back into the sparse traffic. Soon we reached the parking place at the top of the dam … now we had really arrived.

We left the car close to the roadway, glad that the high-season crowds had left and we didn’t have to walk miles to see what we had come for. We decided to give the official tour a miss; there is only so much excitement to be had from learning about the dam’s width equivalent in football fields or the percentage of American homes which it powered. In the final analysis, we all decided, as long as it worked … and stayed upright, we were happy. We strode over to the viewing point on the top edge of the dam and looked down.

“726.4 feet in all,” I murmured, as we all stared down into the abyss. Cindy and Moe were silent … at last I had found something that shut them up - bliss! It didn’t last though … good things seldom do.

“Didn’t lots of men die building this?” Moe’s thoughtful question held a hint of wonder. I knew that she had researched each of our stopping points of the trip and I was ready for her. I turned, ready to impress with my ‘tip of my fingers’ knowledge but Cindy stole my thunder.

“114 men died! Some drowned, some were hit by falling debris … and one fell from the top.” We all returned our gaze to the drop, imagining how it must have felt to plummet to certain death in that way. I thrust my hands into my pockets and clasped the bears claw reflexively. My thoughts turned to those I love and I shuddered my relief, glad that they didn’t have to work in such conditions. My thoughts, as they so often have a habit of doing, flew, unbidden, to our Divos, toiling in oppressive heat and I caught my breath as I saw Urs falling, falling ……….

But of course I couldn’t let the darling Divo fall to disaster. Another Divo to the rescue, of course! David in his tight blue suit with the big yellow ‘S’ on the chest and red cape billowing in the breeze, flew in and, scooping Urs up before he could be dashed into the fury below, brought him back to the top and set him on dry land. He then received the thanks of all before flying off to avert more disasters and right wrongs.

***********************

Urs twitched in his sleep, the dreams were obviously haunting him again. His movements quickened until he was thrashing his arms around and David felt he had to intervene.

“Hey buddy, it’s alright you’re safe.” He clasped his Swiss friend roughly around the shoulders, trying to wake him without sustaining an injury. Urs began to mumble incoherently.

“Help me… save me! Superman!” His eyes flew open but he wasn’t really seeing. He was still lost in his vision but as he encountered the sold bulk of David’s chest his senses cleared and he clutched the bright yellow ‘S’ motif on the front of David’s favourite shirt. He was suddenly shamefaced and totally at a loss about the dream but he had noticed those same two women standing watching as he fell.

“Thanks superman … erm … I mean David !” He turned his eyes to the pillow signalling the end of conversation but not of his thoughts … ‘who the hell were those women?’

**************************

“ … Ace high straight! …”

Well, Marie has swanned off again - to Texas this time - that woman certainly does get around! As usual she has left me to do all the work ... poor me!!!!!!

Disclaimer: - this stuff is meant to harm no one and if real names are mentioned, it's only wishful thinking so that we could appear in the same sentence as them - especially the Divos!

CHAPTER TWELVE - THE HUNT IS ON!

Vegas, a neverland where fortunes are made or lost, where dreams are born, revised or discarded, or for some, turn into nightmares!

We finally rolled in and checked into the MGM Grand, hoping the Divos would be staying there. Ya’ never know … maybe they will or maybe they’ll stay where they did on the world tour. We took our chances - believed in our luck! So there we were. We figured that if we had chosen correctly then they had to eat sometime so we ‘planted’ ourselves, almost literally, in an area we think they would be likely to pass through. There were lots of huge plants so we amused ourselves photographing each other peering through the leaves in true Divo stalking poses that we had read about on the forum … of course we would never consider doing such a thing (move away from us before the lightening strikes!)

We began speculating and giggling at what the guys would think if we were caught at this. At that sobering thought, we quickly ceased and desisted and took a furtive look around to be sure that no one had observed our antics.

*************************

Urs’ eyes flew open and he sat upright in his seat. David had really hoped that Urs would be able to sleep all the way on the flight from Phoenix to Vegas - the man needed the rest. Now the Swiss was staring wild-eyed into the space in front of him.

“Bushes!” he exclaimed. “Those women - bushes!” Now it was David with the wide-eyed look and his mouth open but no words coming out. He couldn’t go for the obvious at his friend’s expense. Urs looked at him with a resigned, sheepish grin. “They were hiding behind big plants,” he murmured before leaning back and closing his eyes.

Seb had leaned across the aisle to say something but stopped at David’s uplifted hand.

“Women in bushes,” he smiled at Seb who directed a snort at him before returning to his seat.

*************************

Cindy suddenly jumped up in an inspired moment!

“They were in Phoenix last night. They will obviously fly in here … we should be at the airport!” This was a good hunch so we wasted no more time and headed for the exit that would get us to the garage the quickest. We had tired of playing in the jungle and making lewd jokes about Tarzan and swinging on vines. (We have short attention spans … but are easily amused!) We had wished for a chance to see them before the concert and Cindy has hit upon a distinct possibility to do just that!

We soon found ourselves standing at one of the large windows in the airport, staring at an impressive looking corporate jet from which passengers were descending.

“It’s them,” I squealed. “I see Urs!” Cindy and Moe pressed their noses to the glass along side mine. (We were making an awful mess of that window - what was that about drool bibs and buckets?) We chattered excitedly among ourselves. And then we watched an SUV drive out to pick them up, quelling any hopes of their coming through here. But we are not disappointed, we can now pass the time happily - we have seen them!

*************************

Urs stiffened but kept walking - he was tired of seeing the concern and lately pity on his brothers’ faces so he was determined to keep this latest little occurrence to himself. He didn’t know why he had been experiencing these stupid dreams and ‘visions’ but the doctors kept assuring him that it would pass. For the first time since the problem had begun, however, he really did think he would soon find the answers - he knew there would a conclusion … they were here! He had ‘seen’ them - he didn’t know where they were, but they had been watching him and the others disembark.

“Soon, you will have to face me and I will find out who the hell you are!” He thought to himself for a moment, as his fingers slid over the sleek metal object in his pocket and the faces of the women danced before his eyes. Suddenly there was recognition … “I know who those two are!”

**************************

“ … Bingo!…’

CHAPTER THIRTEEN - DIVOS … WHAT DIVOS?

So … the Divos were actually staying in our hotel. Were we excited by this prospect? You bet your sweet bippy we were!

There was ,of course, one major problem - have you seen the size of the MGM Grand? The likelihood of actually running into them was akin to encountering the proverbial tiny needle in the biggest haystack in Kansas. Still, as any diva worthy of the name would probably point out, (well, the cheerfully obsessed ones rather than the out and out stalkers anyway!) it was enough merely to be breathing the same air.

As so often is the case, however, we didn’t realise how close we came on occasions. We didn’t notice them whizzing through the hotel lobby as we were busy demanding that the concierge ask our noisy neighbours (probably over-exuberant Barbra fans, not staid mature divas like us!) to behave. The same lack of luck … or observational skills, was evident when we lay snoozing on sun beds as our delicious Divos frolicked in an adjacent pool, separated from us by only a stout hedge. Oh dear! Could things get any worse? … of course they could!

It was the day before the concert and our excitement was building as the hour grew near. Clothes were paired up with different accessories and if I had heard ‘does my a** look big in this?’ one more time I would have killed my travelling companions without compunction. I, of course, was calm and assured the whole time …. calmly worrying myself into an early grave over whether my strappy sandals looked better than my new sling backed shoes and absolutely assured that my heart wouldn’t last ‘til tomorrow at the rate I was going!

We decided to take a break from our preparations and grab a bite to eat. The restaurant we preferred was bursting at the seams so we walked through the hotel grounds to find somewhere suitable. Moe was sure she couldn’t eat a bite … but if we found somewhere that served those delicious toasted ham and cheese sandwiches she would try her best … and she wondered why I was laughing!!! Cindy really does have the tiny frame of a careful eater, (coupled with the appetite of a vulture!) so she would be happy with anything , she said … as long as we got it soon before she fainted away from hunger. I would have been happy with a small green salad with some cottage cheese - but when we eventually settled on a place that fitted everyone’s criteria … I also succumbed to the lure of the chocolate gateau … what? … I needed to keep my strength up to make sure the others were okay … okay???????

We walked back to the main hotel buildings, our minds once again taken up with what constituted the perfect outfit. For once chatter was scarce …. We looked like three respectable ladies out for a stroll - proof positive that appearances really can be deceptive! As we strolled past our usual restaurant we noticed that it was still extra-ordinarily busy and we mentally patted ourselves on the back for deciding on the excellent substitute we had found. There was something of a commotion going on at the far side of the room - women were milling everywhere. I stopped the others, my interest piqued but it was impossible to see the reason for the disturbance. At that precise moment, however, a group of elderly English tourists came huffing and puffing in our direction. They swept past us and snippets of their conversation floated to us …………

“Flippin’ woman trod on my damned foot … old enough to know better … acting like teenagers.” Our ears - and imaginations pricked up … what had got all these women so excited … DIVOS!!!

It was as though three simultaneous light bulbs came on in three heads. We looked from one to another and then to the site of the disturbance again and as one made the decision … we were going in!! Make no mistake now, women of a certain age we may be … but don’t mess with us when there are Divos involved. The only trouble, of course, was that there just happened to be lots of women of all ages … and all with the same philosophy!

Elbows were employed and vicious handbag swinging was in evidence - and that was just Moe - but eventually we fought our way across the battleground and reached our goal ………………………………......

“He’s got blonde hair … no one in Il Divo has blond hair” Cindy stated the obvious again. I looked at the very handsome, very blonde and definitely non-Divo, hunk and couldn’t hide my disappointment. A film star, just a film star … Brad Pitt or someone who looked like him. (you begin to see a measure of mine and the others Divo devotion here I guess - only Brad Pitt!!) We looked at one another dejectedly and then trudged in a mournful little bunch to the exit.

We had wasted almost 20 precious Divo spotting minutes but we put it down to experience and moved back into the main body of the hotel … and that was when the worst hit us right between the eyes ……….

In the bar they were clearing away tables and chairs and there were lots of happy people … women … divas!!!!!

We saw a few familiar faces we were expecting … and some we were not!!

“Hello, you silly ‘Manc’ woman you!” Moe swirled round to find herself face to face with her partners in cri … erm … friends - Joss, Cate, Mary - her fellow Manchester Divas - and Louise the ‘techy whizzkid’ from across the border in deepest darkest Yorkshire! Hugs and garbled greetings were exchanged. Well, I think that’s what was going on, anyway. The mix of Lancashire / Mancunian / Yorkshire / Irish accents was far too much to comprehend - even for me who had been in their company on two earlier trips and was therefore considered an honorary member of the group!

But as I stood gawping at the spectacle others approached me and I found out that lots of Divas I had only previously spoken to on the forum had decided to surprise us by joining us here in Vegas - Marie (Lothiriel7), Jen (ExcuuzMe) and Sue (Suberbabe) were all there - some had tickets, some didn’t but all had just been luckier that us - they had seen the guys!!!

There had been an impromptu signing, pictures chat the works … and we had missed it. Urs had been here, looking gorgeous by all accounts … and not wanting to leave, we were informed.

************************

Urs looked round the room expectantly. Where were they? - He knew they were here somewhere … He could feel it.

“Urs, my friend, we have to go , we have the sound check remember … come on mi amigo.

“Oui Urs … what are you waiting for, ‘aven’t you had enough women swooning over you for one afternoon?”

His friends were right, he really did have to go but …………. Damn, he would never get to the bottom of this!

*************************

“ … Full house!…”

CHAPTER FOURTEEN - URS SEES THE LIGHT!

He couldn’t even comb his hair and pull it back without “seeing” stuff in the mirror - but Urs wasn’t upset. He slammed his fist into the mirror … but Urs wasn’t upset. He let out a long string of expletives in several languages … but Urs wasn’t upset. Several doctors now had told him that this was temporary … so Urs wasn’t upset. The hell he wasn’t!! He stormed out of the convenience store restroom and right into the middle of a robbery … now Urs was upset!!!

**********************

“We are going to die.”

“Shut up!”

“Both of you hush before they come back here!”

We were whispering this conversation because we were huddled in an aisle of a convenience store that was being robbed. Yep, ski masks, guns … all the props. Scared clerk who didn’t speak good English, masked gunmen who weren’t literate, some ‘moll’ with them who kept roving up and down the aisles of the store making sure none of us were going to mount a counter offensive wielding canned peas or something. Now they were trying to figure out what to do with the poor sucker who had come charging out of the men’s room.

“Maybe they’ll shoot him instead of us. Maybe the people over in the other aisles will overpower them. Maybe they’ll just get the money and go. Maybe” ……..

The cops had the place surrounded, and were yelling through their bullhorns for the robbers to come out with their hands up. It’s was then that everything got weird. There were no robbers! The guns and ski masks seemed to have disappeared. People all around got gingerly to their feet and looked around - this included us. The cops came in, the clerk managed, through still trembling lips, to let them know the robbers were now mingled with the customers. Hence, we were all hustled out and into black and whites and the next thing we knew were all in a holding cell … guests of the city of Las Vegas.

“My manager can straighten this all out if you just call him.” Moe and I get whiplash. Our heads have spun like Linda Blair in the Exorcist! “Urs! That’s Urs’ voice.” We look round frantically and sure enough, at the far end, next to the bars, Urs was trying to get his one phone call.

For his efforts he grudgingly got, “We’ll get around to sorting everyone out as soon as possible, buddy.” … He must have been the man in the bathroom!

Since we had been transported in different vehicles and Cindy, Moe and I had stayed huddled in our own little corner, we had not paid attention to the rest of our cellmates. Now Moe and I gravitated toward the SRG - Cindy tagged along so as not to be left alone (on further investigation some of our the cell’s other occupants left a lot to be desired - speaking in a ‘what‘s socially acceptable’ vein!)

“Urs,” Moe’s voice was small and tentative. He whirled around and a strange look of recognition entered his eyes. He grasped Moe’s upper arm in one hand and mine in the other and propelled us to an empty far corner of the cell - Cindy again followed closely behind.

“What are you two up to? Come on, Moe … and I’m sorry, I don’t recall your name.”

“Marie,” my voice is smaller than Moe’s.

“Oh yes, I remember. How did you describe yourself … my ‘devoted fans.’

We brightened at this and nodded affirmatively. Urs remembered us! (well, Moe at least - and me, sort of!) We had been quiet and hesitant, now it was like we had just washed our mouths and couldn’t do a thing with them! We regaled Urs with tales of our travels, just as though he might have had a picayune of interest! Well, oddly enough, he seemed to. Cindy stood back, hands on hips, clearing her throat noisily and Moe and I belatedly made the introductions. Urs was, as always, polite but seemingly still very interested in our travels.

“Oh,” I suddenly remembered, “we have something special for you.” I pulled the bear claw on its cord from around my neck and held it out to him.

“Where did you get this,” he had a genuine interest and he fondled the charm carefully.

“A very old Native American healing woman gave it to me for changing her flat tyre. She said something strange about seeing a bear. I didn’t really understand but I want you to have it because of your name.”

************************

As Urs took the talisman into his hand, he was momentarily unsteady on his feet. There were images flashing though his head … reruns of the scenes he had been seeing since his fall, zipping through his mind like a slide show gone berserk. What did these women and this bear claw have to do with the strange things that had been happening to him? Native American healing woman they had said. Some things just couldn’t be explained, but for the first time since this had all begun, Urs felt calm … and free. He couldn’t explain it and the ‘totally clueless’ look on the faces of the women before him told him there would be no answers there either. And, one thing was for sure … he wasn’t about to volunteer any of his strange tale to them now!
***************************

At this point there was the sound of loud voices outside the cell and around the corner came Steve and the other Divos. All the proper things were said among the men about being glad Urs was safe, then the whole thing was straightened out and he was free to go.

“Guys, we have to make arrangements for my friends here.” At this point Steve looked at the women standing intrusively close to Urs and he remembered Moe. He asked what the hell she was doing there and told her she must be crazy when she told him. I reminded him that was exactly what he had said to me at the St. David’s hotel in Cardiff at 2:30 in the morning. He just stared at me … of course he didn’t remember - much too busy a man! Still Urs request was enough and he quickly vouched for the fact that we weren’t dangerous armed robbers … just barmy Il Divo fans - dangerous in a totally different way!

We all left the jail together. We were chattering away to the slightly bemused other members of the group and Urs couldn’t help but smile … glad to have some of the weirdness deflected from him for once. There wasn’t room in their vehicle to offer us a lift, but they did see us into a taxi. We thanked them effusively and watched, ever so slightly dismayed, as they disappeared down the road. Oddly enough, we were silent during the ride back to the hotel and returned to our rooms quickly and quietly. For some reason we didn’t talk about our ‘brush with death,’ but concentrated on getting ready for the concert.

Fortunately the news media hadn’t got hold of the story so neither we nor the Divos were on the six o’clock news! When we arrived at the box office to pick up our tickets from ‘will call’ we were flabbergasted to find that we had been upgraded to front row … NO WAY!

There wouldn’t be any big fuss made, just a quiet acknowledgement from the boys but when Barbra came out on stage, she directed a smile and a little nod in our direction. Ok, we’re cool, we acknowledged with slight return - nods of our heads …then squeezed each other’s hands bloodless! Then the guys came on and we were treated to the full set … smiles, waves and the hallowed ‘blinky wink.’ We couldn’t have written a better script for this trip. We could - and would - live on these memories until … until … the next tour!

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The show had gone extremely well, he had showed his ladies his appreciation …they were great gals! He didn’t know why or how, but he realized that his dreams and visions had somehow been connected to Marie and the talisman she had given him. He had a window into their exploits on their trip to Vegas. It suddenly occurred to him that now that he had the bear claw, would it be possible for them to ‘look in’ on him? Of course, their behaviour gave no indication that would be the case.

He would just let his brothers believe that his problems had righted themselves as the doctors had predicted.

He had rented a bike and the day after the concert was riding along the shoreline. He pulled the bear claw out of his pocket and looked at it. He would have liked to keep it but he couldn’t take any chances. He lifted his arm and watched as it arced and then sank into the waters of Lake Mead. He turned the bike back toward the city and the resumption of normal life.

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Thelma and Louise Plus One were jubilant and singing to the top of our lungs as we set off on the long road back. We couldn’t believe the adventures we’d had and there were still sixteen hundred return miles to go between us and Missouri. Who knows what tales we would have to report by the next time we reached a computer?

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“ … ladies and gentleman … we have a winner! …”

THE END

Had me smiling all the way through
lois