I HEART UB

I HEART UB

When one’s former existence collides with his current life it can bring with it unexpected challenges. This test can be viewed either as beneficial or as baggage. How one responds, how one chooses to view the overshadowing of the past with the present reveals the measure of a man – or woman.









Chapter 1
2004
(Recollecting)

Those words came to me, ‘I heart Urs Buhler’, one evening as I sat looking at old pictures, reminiscing, not about him per se but thinking of the old days. Recalling the day when I had written that message; or perhaps it had just been a comment? Or … could it have been a plea? Anyway I wrote ’I heart UB’ on the old tree near my house and that had been my last act before leaving.
At the time of my walk down memory lane, I had not seen Urs in nearly twenty years; that is unless you want to count the few minutes that I looked in on him at a Swiss nightclub about fifteen years ago. I hadn’t believed that the Urs Buhler that I knew would sing or play a guitar in front of an audience. He had seemed too reserved for that. But when I gave it some thought; I realized that he always had been a curious combination of shyness and daring.

At that time, fifteen years ago when I sought him out, I had found him through subtle questioning - I didn’t want anyone to think that I could possibly be interested in him in other than a passing way - I found where he was playing and on the night before I was to leave I dropped in on him.
He had been busy, in the middle of a gig but surrounded by young women who looked at him in dreamy eyed wonder, and he was eating it up. Clearly he didn’t need me to intrude on his private worship session.
Soon he and the other band members, a group that called themselves ‘The Conspiracy’ took an intermission. I decided to approach him but I was too slow and too timid. The other females beat me to him. Aw what the heck he probably wouldn’t have remembered me anyway.
From a distance in the dimly lit room I had watched him down a beer, throw his head back in laughter, an act that caused the middle of his back hair that framed his head to move as if it were alive. That move caused the girls, who resembled birds, perhaps a flock of swans, to draw even closer still. Whatever was said couldn’t have been that funny. To me, their feminine voices sounded like the honking of geese as they scurried about, all vying for the same morsel of bread. But perhaps it was not bread they sought after all but sausage.
Urs had worn a velvet shirt in a rich and deep color, dark blue or black I thought. It was hard to tell in the dimness, a dimness that didn’t keep me from wanting to run my fingers over the softness of the shirt, perhaps touching lightly on the well muscled form beneath. Tight formfitting pants that loved his well shaped derriere took up where the shirt left off, and then boots, calf high laced boots molded his lean legs. The whole outfit had been popular back then in the eighties. I wonder what he would be wearing now.

I had stood in the club for an indeterminate amount of time. The break ended, he took up the mike and began to sing, even as he perused the audience enthusiastically. He never managed to quite make his eyes look my way. I must admit I didn’t encourage him to seek me out; I stayed safely out of range, comfortable in the shadows. As I prepared to leave I flashed one picture with my camera; then I went away without saying a word.

Since that time I have not given him a thought. Well that’s not exactly true. I have given him a thought but only in passing. I wondered how he was doing, what he was doing. If he had settled down and gotten a real job, one at which he could earn a living. And, since I had never heard of his band ‘Conspiracy’ in any of the local news, much less on a national scale, I presumed that it had faded and died away. That his fantasy of becoming a Rock God had died as most young dreams die, when they are sacrificed on the altar of growing up and facing reality.

I imagined that Ferris Buhler as he had called himself when he performed, had grown up, cut off his long dark locks and become perhaps an accountant; he was always good at math, or maybe a construction worker or it was possible that he now drove a fork lift for a living. Who knew?”

With hardly any regret I closed the photograph book that I had recently dusted and placed it back in the box and shoved it under the bed where I kept it safely out of sight.
**
Coincidences are really just fate showing her hand. It wasn’t a week later when my second son Falk, tapped on my room early on Mother’s Day morning. He was headed off to see his girlfriend and wanted to give me my gifts before he left.

While he was watching me open the gifts of a nice pair of earrings, some perfume and a scarf, he played a tract on a new CD that he had also bought. The song was ‘Mama’ and it was very appropriate for Mother’s Day and the lyrics were something like this:

Mama thank you for all I am
Thank you for all the things I’m not


It truly was a beautiful song. Well before it finished I had tears in my eyes. He was my tender hearted son. He was the one who could be moved by beautiful music.

Not that my first son Johannes was not sensitive, he was, but in a different way. When Johannes thought of music, his first love was rock with a capital R. Nothing that he could play would bring me to tears. But perhaps it could, tears of a different kind. Tears of pure relief when he turned it off!

In time Falk carried on with his day. It was afternoon by the time Johannes got out of bed, took himself off rather mysteriously - to buy my gift, I suspected; then he reappeared with a large wrapped multicolored present and dared me to guess its contents.

I guessed the usual, a blanket, a throw, a pillow, “Oh I give up Johannes, just tell me.”
“See Mama, its two stuffed bears to remind you of Falk and I when we go off to university this fall.”

See, that’s what I mean by Johannes being sensitive but in a different way. I’d miss my boys. He knew it and I knew it too. It had been just the three of us for so long.

Oh there’d been other people in our lives but they were all peripheral to the core relationship that I had with my sons, and that they had with me. From the day that they were born I had looked at them, all pink, tiny and helpless realizing that I was all that they had in the world, and a sense of responsibility that I’d never felt before fell upon me. It was not heavy, it was purposeful, and I had something to live for other than myself.
And from the first day I saw them off to school, my heart breaking at the thought of what they’d have to go through over the years, until now, my heart bursting when they marched for graduation, I realized that they had not only made it but they had thrived. Through it all I was proud that I'd had the opportunity to there for them, and even though I was young when they were born, I am sure that they didn’t see my inadequacies. To them I was just mom, capable, wise, and dependable. I was extremely grateful that they were mine and that they were in my life for me to care for.

At seventeen they were just finishing up high school and both had earned scholarships to go off to University in the fall. Johannes would go to MIT the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and Falk was going to pharmacy school in that same city. It was my hope that the two of them together would help the other keep out of trouble.

If I remember correctly, it was just about the time of Johannes announcement that he bought the bears to keep me company that he picked up the CD that Falk had bought me, idly reading the cover, asking questions as young people do such as:

“You like this dorky music mom?”

“I do. It has one song called ‘Mama’ that I like a lot.”

“When did you get this?”

“I got it today; it’s from your brother. He bought it for the ‘Mama’ tract. Want to hear it?”

He wasn’t that interested in it as it turned out. He had flipped it from back to front several times and even opened the insert and read it carefully. He then made an offhand remark just as he was turning it back to me, “this fellow Urs looks a lot like Falk doesn’t he mom? ‘Course he’s older than Falk.” And because teenaged sons’ attention is so much centered on themselves, he didn’t notice that I jerked my head around and grabbed the CD. He never saw that and with that bombshell he was out the door, never suspecting that he had just opened the flood gates of memories that I thought had been closed forever.

How many men could there be named Urs? Quite a few. How many of them would resemble my son, both of my sons because Johannes looked very like Falk? Probably not so many. With my heart full of something akin to inevitability I lifted the jacket to take a good look. There looking as handsome as ever, gracing the cover along with three other equally handsome men was Urs.

Yes it was my friend Urs Buhler, the father of my seventeen year old twins.

CHAPTER 2
1978-1988
(The Early Years)

In the early days Urs was always in my life. I don’t remember when we saw each other for the first time. He was there on the first day of Kindergarten. I don’t think that we had anything to say to each other at that early age, but I do remember him. He cried because he wanted to go home. One of the older boys called him ‘mamma’s baby’ and I told that boy to get lost knowing that there wasn’t anything that that older boy could do about it. He couldn’t hit a girl could he?

I found out that while he couldn’t hit me he could push me down; getting my new dress dirty. But Urs came to my rescue. He forgot about crying and went after that older boy like he had a license to do it. I don’t think that I thanked Urs that day, I was still too upset about my dress, but I never forgot that incident.
We were still together in lower primary. We painstakingly and thoroughly learned about math, reading comprehension and geography. We were very near the same age, he one year older, because I could read when I started out, something that most of the kids in my grade still were not good at, so they promoted me to the next level.

For many years we lived in parallel worlds. You know - the world in which you know everyone in the town, Willisau is like that. I knew Urs, but that didn’t mean that we ever talked, not in those early years we didn’t.
One year when I must have been around nine, he ten, we were both cast in a play about the fairy Kingdom. We carted in loads of greenery, a few tree limbs and such to place on the stage. We had costumes made, the girls all wore different colored short gathered net skirts with ballet flats – we were the fairy princesses.

The boys wore padded suits with tall peaked hats – they were the trolls- and we all hopped, or plodded depending on the ability of the child, around on stage imitating either a fairy, (if you were a girl) or a troll (if you were a boy). In the end Urs had to catch me and carry me off to his underworld kingdom and I went literally kicking and screaming. He truly had a hard time conquering me because as anyone knows; little girls at that age are just about as strong as the boys.

In today’s world, that play would not have been politically correct. But we had fun in the doing of it.
Later it was not the same case. Two years later when I must have been around eleven and he was twelve, he downed me in five seconds flat.

I had brought it upon myself. I had bragged to my girlfriends that all of the boys at our school were wimps and that for sure they’d get beat in the upcoming championship wrestling match on field day. I had boasted that even I could beat our boys.

The word had gotten back to Urs and a few others and although they had been admonished not to hit girls by their parents, I later found out they had not been told not to try to floor them and get them on their backs. All good form for wrestling.

“I hear you’d like to take me on Liesel.” Urs had taunted. He had not been a mean kid but he could be determined. He did not let it go. "If you beat me I’ll buy you lunch for a week, otherwise you buy my lunch; deal?”

I should have known better, should have seen that he had put some meat on his bones in the intervening two years but I was full of myself in those days so I took him up on his dare.

I did know a bit about wrestling. I had older male cousins who’d moved on to a higher grade at a different school. I knew that the best thing to do would be to score a takedown where I would pin him to the mat and control him. Barring that, if he got me down, then I’d have to escape and if I couldn’t escape at least I’d not let him pin my shoulders down. And – if he had me on my back without pinning me I would try to come from underneath him and gain control of him.

We planned the match carefully. I brought my sweat pants that day and made sure that the gym was unoccupied. Our minions from either side kept watch to make sure that a teacher didn’t come and spoil the whole thing. And then there were the onlookers; my friends, his friends there both to cheer in support and to declare the winner.

For obvious reasons we made a few modifications. Instead of the ‘catch as catch can’ style wrestling, we agreed to play by the less popular Greco-Roman style of no holds allowed below the waist. Even we had sense enough to know that we’d get into some serious trouble if he grabbed me in my crotch or I grabbed him there and word of it got back to a teacher.

We started off in the neutral position, we both stood facing each other and with the sound of the whistle, we both tried to down each other. I did well in this part because I was fast and very agile. He kept going after my legs to get them out from under me but I moved flawlessly to keep him from getting a hold. At that stage it was purely defense on my part, but soon, the whistle sounded the second time letting us know that we were in the second period.

Now a match consists of three periods, each lasting from one to three minutes. We had chosen two minutes each period which can be a long time in these circumstances. At the start of the second period the wrestlers begin in the Referee’s position which is down on hands and knees, the opponent on top, behind and in control.

Urs graciously allowed me to take control of him by assuming the opponent’s position. I managed to win this second period having given the first win to him, but I admit that during that second part I cheated. He almost had me down, I was on my back and one shoulder was down while he pressed me from the front ever closer to the mat. I whispered, “You’re hurting by breasts”. That caused him to let up, giving me a perfect opportunity to escape.

During third and last period he didn’t give me an opportunity to trick him. He flipped me easily, letting me know without doubt that he had gone easy on me and in three seconds I was pinned. Then the dog wouldn’t let me up. He let me squirm and then say my defeat so that there could be no question about it.

The boys went on to win in their category and I forfeited my lunch for a week by giving my lunch money to him. It was only fair; I had lost fair and square. That taught me a lesson though. I came to realize that while I was his height and maybe the same weight and quite strong for a girl, that was the kicker, for a girl. I was no match for a boy of the same size. I learned to keep my big mouth shut and not be so quick to challenge.

We moved on to secondary form, which was the equivalent of lower high school. When he was about sixteen and I fifteen, we became friends. Don’t get me wrong. We were not girlfriend and boyfriend. We were never that. But we were true friends. For instance, he’d see me in the gym and stop to talk. We’d just sit there talking about the assignment, what we were going to do when we moved on to higher level later that year and so forth.

By then Urs had developed a strong interest in girls and I knew that he was attracted to several at our school. One day he asked me what I thought about the two that were uppermost in his mind at the time. One was Elizabeth, of the same name as I but no one called her ‘Liesel’ for short, as they did me.

“What do you think about Elizabeth Dirkman, Liesel? She’s pretty isn’t she?”

“She’s all right Urs. But she tends to talk a lot about herself don’t you think? Wouldn’t you get tired of hearing how smart she is and how much money her parents have?”

Perhaps he listened to me because later that day, when the fireflies were just coming out, I saw him walking Eva, the other girl he had mentioned, home. I wondered where they had been but didn’t think too much of it. I knew he’d tell me if I asked.

I don’t know why he chose to confide in me but he did. He seemed to trust that I’d keep his secrets and he always kept mine.

You might wonder what kind of secrets we had at that early age. I tried Marijuana for the first time at fifteen and it made me think everyone who laughed around me was laughing at me. It also made me hungry and I didn’t want to overeat and get fat plus being high just wasn’t all that great. In my mind it was highly overrated.

This was something that I wouldn’t dare tell to my mother so I told Urs and he asked me why keep doing something that I didn‘t really like where the risks were greater than the benefits. I considered it and decided no matter what my girlfriends did, I’d leave the stuff alone.

I now knew that he and his friends had become sexually active. So it was no surprise when he told me that he thought he might have picked up some kind of deadly cootie thing that was causing him some discomfort. Now he didn’t just tell me this out of the blue. I’m afraid that I questioned him about why he was walking all funny and in a teasing way asked him if he had a new ‘boyfriend’.

I suppose he thought telling me the truth was easier than having me think he might be going gay on me so he told me. I repeated the same logic that he had given me several months ago when I asked about smoking the joint. If you’re so worried Urs, why don’t you just quit having sex until you marry?”

CHAPTER 3

(Sex is overrated and underwhelming)

He had let me know in no uncertain terms that quitting was not an option. “Besides, I’m never going to marry, Liesel.” He had sounded quite sure of that.

At the time he was dating Clothilde, the beauty of the campus. He was proud of her. He was almost as proud of her as she was of herself. I wondered why all of the really attractive girls seemed to have lousy personalities, at least at our school they did. But that didn’t matter; the guys still couldn’t get enough of them.

If I had understood the compelling nature of sexual activity, especially for teen aged boys, I would have had a better idea of what he spoke but I had no sexual desire, at least it had not been awakened and I also thought his decision not to marry was being overly dramatic. I thought he had to sleep with his girlfriend to keep up his reputation with the fellows.

After that discussion with him it had been time for me to head towards home since I had to be in the house before dark.

Because it was at the end of the school year I didn’t see much of him after that and we didn’t see each other for the summer months. I suppose that he got rid of his cooties, and I supposed that he got a job.

I know I spent that last summer at home, helping my mother keep the house going and taking short term jobs to supplement our income. Actually, I also helped keep food on the table. It was during this summer that I came to realize that there just would not be any money for me to go on to University.

I don’t think my mother ever came outright and said ‘no’. But I knew in an abstract way that if we couldn’t be sure of having a meal on a regular basis, how could we come up with the money for school?

So slowly over that summer I came to accept that I would do vocational higher education. That was ok; it would mean that I would have a job after a couple of years. Maybe being a beautician, or a cook, and I really liked interior design, could be that there was something that I could do in that field.

When I pinned my mother down to really talk about the possibilities she was not quite as enthusiastic as I had hoped she’d be. My mom was young. She and my Pa had divorced when I was around four, I didn’t remember him at all... He seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth.

Since her divorce, my mother had had a string of boyfriends. Well, when we had our little talk about school, she proposed that I go and live on the farm with Opa Finkle.

“He and Oma need your help Liesel, you could be a big help to them since they’re really old,” she had said. Now I knew that it was true that the old people needed taking care of, but I did not want to bury myself off in the country. That is not a fifteen year old girl's dream.

“What about school Ma, I want to stay here with you and go on to school. Can’t I do that?”

“Really Liesel. You’re almost sixteen now, almost grown. I think you’ve had all of the schooling that you need for what you’re going to do in life.”

Later, much later, I realized that mama saw me as competition. She wanted to marry again but, all of her would be suitors either saw me as being in the way or as a possibility. I had my mother’s blond good looks, as well as her bright blue eyes. I was a younger, fresher, innocent version of my now thirty-six year old mother. She loved me but she also wanted me out of sight.

I think I realized this on some level, for by the time I went back to school for my final year in upper second, I had accepted that there would be no tertiary education for me. I had also lost a part of me that had always been there; from that day in kindergarten when I’d stood up to a bully, to the day some four years ago when I’d dared wrestle with Urs Buhler. I had lost some of my fight and I just didn’t care anymore.

None of the new ‘me’ was evident on the outside, however. Most said that I had blossomed over the summer. I loved my new and improved figure. And I’m afraid that I got somewhat of a reputation with the boys. But honest, I did not go all the way. Just a few kisses and such but boys will talk. They like to pretend that they are more successful than they really are. My name became a substitute for slut and I don’t even know when it happened exactly.

It was at this time that Urs Buhler came to ask me what was going on.

“You’re not the girl I knew Liesel. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong Urs. I just decided to come into the twentieth century. You and Franz and Karl always admire the really popular girls, I thought I’d better set to making myself popular as well, that’s all.”


“The guys are saying things Liesel. You don’t want to be popular in that way.”

I had ignored that part of what he said. Instead I invited him out to spend my 16th birthday at the local hangout. “You want to come out with me? Will Clothilde let you go?”

He had laughed his usual full laugh. He was seventeen and up for anything almost. “Sure I can. I’ll be happy to spend your sweet sixteenth birthday with you Liesel. “

We played foosball, we shot pool, and I even joined him in a beer. My mother had a date and so it had been easy for me to convince her that I’d be over to my best friend Edith’s house until morning. As the night passed slowly into a couple of hours past midnight Urs asked me if I was getting tired, was I ready for him to take me home.

I convinced him to go for a long dark moonlit walk before home. We walked up the hill past the local store and the post office. We passed a few houses, now dark because most folk went to bed at what they called a decent hour. We ended up on the hill that overlooked the town. It was a beautiful clear night. A bit cool but then that was Switzerland. We had both worn our jackets knowing that it was sure to be somewhat chilly that night.

We talked about our hopes and our dreams. His future was tied in with music. He told me that he a few other guys were working on getting a band going and if they were good enough, they hoped to cut a CD.

“But Urs, what do you want to do in life? Surely you don’t want to sing in a band for the rest of your life.”

“Well Liesel, I don’t have to know just now. I’ll figure it out. I have a long time before I have to make any serious decisions. What about you?”

“I’m going to be a teacher I think” I lied. I didn’t want him to know that this was just about the end of the line for me. Then I changed the subject. For the first time since we had known each other, for always it seemed, I came on to him.

Don’t ask me why I did it. It had something to do with not being wanted at home, but I can’t blame my mother altogether. I had my own free will.

It was also because I knew that he had a girl. He had a girl, he liked girls yet he had never once liked me in that way. Why not? What was wrong with me? Why did he automatically think of me as the safe ‘friend’ the one who would listen to his problems with his girls? Was I that undesirable? So yes, a part of it was to see if I could turn him on.

I found out that I could, and fairly easily too. After he got over the fact that I had pressed my lips to his, and slipped my tongue between his lips he became a willing participant in our little adventure into intimacy, if that is what it is called.

I didn’t seem intimate to me. It seemed overrated. It was messy and a bit painful and it wasn’t even exciting to me although I do admit he found it a turn on if one can judge these things by heavy breathing and other displays of passion.

When it was over he had murmured “So the fellows lied on you Liesel. They made it sound as if you were a pushover.”

“Is that why we did this tonight, because you thought I was easy?”

“Maybe, but I’m sorry for that. If I had known you hadn’t done this before I probably would not have – well it’s too late for that. Are you ready to go home now?”

“I guess.” But when we stood, I was a mess, all mushy and uncomfortable. We had no towel, nothing so he took off his socks and gave them to me. I never did get rid of those socks. I washed them and stored them in my little cache of keepsakes.

I had no idea that I wouldn’t get to see him alone for twenty long years when after I reached my front gate we said our solemn goodnights. As messed up as I was, going to my girlfriend’s house was out of the question. The house was dark, mama was still out. I went in and from my window watched him walk hurriedly in the direction of Willisau proper and his own house.

CHAPTER 4

(Once is more than enough)

Life went on as usual. Mama kept trying to get her latest boyfriend to propose. I kept busy with school, lessons and homework. I didn’t tell my girlfriends, not even my best friend Sasha about what Urs and I had done. I knew that they would have found it very hard not to give it away, to let him know that I had told. They’d either laugh or ask some silly question or just – something. Instead, I kept quiet and he kept seeing his best girl Clothilde.

How did I feel about that? Had I expected him to drop her and put me in her place? Maybe. I admit that I had hopes that he would but then, having a boyfriend was no prize, especially if we had to go though the awkward groping and probing that he and I had endured that night on the hill. I could do without that in my life.

Over time, I forgot all about it. It was just that forgettable.

I was rudely reminded when mama noticed me throwing up in the bathroom for the third morning in a row.

“You little slut! You’ve gone and gotten yourself knocked up haven’t you?”

My first inclination was to lie. It just could not be true. But even though I tried to convince her ‘no’ it couldn’t be, she slapped me and I finally told her that I had ‘done it’ just one time. Surely something that insignificant was not enough to get me pregnant.

“Once is enough idiot! Who’s the father? Maybe he’ll marry you and take you away. I hope you don’t expect me to support you while you finish this year at school.”

I was as shocked as my mother was. A baby had never crossed my mind. I knew how babies happened. I had never tied that happening to what Urs and I did that night. It hadn’t been enough. It hadn’t been earth shaking. I got more joy out of talking to him than I did when we did that. Besides it had only lasted a few minutes. It just couldn’t be true. A few minutes didn’t have the power to change my life like this did it? Now my mother thinks that she knows but I don’t believe it. After all, the baby couldn’t be. It won’t be.

“I ... A boy in my class mama but it only happened once. Surely –“

“Surely nothing missy. How could you Elizabeth? Don’t you know that you just gave away the most important thing that you have? If you were just going to give it away, there are men who would pay you for it. It might have gotten you a husband and you’re telling me that a little snot nosed boy did this to you?”

I knew better than to engage in conversation with my mother when she was like this. She was so angry that I knew she’d forget about a switch or a strap and she’d jump on me and beat me with her fists. So I remained quiet and kept my head down. Finally she ran out of steam. She stopped talking and started walking the floor. I could tell when she thought of something that in her mind was not all bad, that there might be a bright side to this unpleasant event.

“Come on girl; forget about school today, we’re going out to talk to Oma Edith.”

I think I thought she would send me to live with the grandparents prematurely. After all she had told me that I was needed on their farm helping them out.

Grandma Edith was old. She must have been at least sixty. She had given birth to four children but my mother was the only one who was still alive. Her twin boys had drowned, one trying to save the other and her other daughter had died in childbirth. Actually, it wasn’t childbirth, she had had an abortion done by a local underground practitioner and she’d bled to death but that is another story.

We had chugged up to Oma Edith’s house, a large rambling farmhouse, typical for that part of the country and as soon as we entered, Mama asked Oma where Opa was.

“He went into town to get his feet worked on. Come on in and have some tea. It’s good to see you both.”

I liked both of my grandparents. They weren’t mean like mama, and they usually had something good to eat. When Mama mentioned me living with them, the reason that I didn’t want to was not because of them, it was just that what teenager in her right mind wants to go and live in isolation, especially since it meant leaving all of the friends that I had known all of my life.

My mother dispensed with the preliminaries. While her mother made us tea, we sat at her big kitchen table and mama dropped the bad news.

“Ma, this girl has gone and gotten herself pregnant. I don’t know what I’m going to do.” And my mother began to cry, crocodile tears I thought.

Oma Edith knew her daughter well. “Hush up Elise, look on the bright side. You’ll be a grandma.” Opa cut her eyes at me and gave me a slight smile. We both knew that the last thing my mother wanted to be was a grandmother.

My mother had cried harder at that pronouncement. Evidently she hadn’t thought of that angle yet. When she quieted she began to plea with her mother to help her out.

“Mama, if you ask her, your sister Trudy in America will take Liesel. She could go there and stay until after the baby is born and then come back and no one would ever have to know.”

Oma Edith placed the hot cups of tea on a tray along with chocolate cookies and carefully brought it to the table. I waited patiently until my elders had helped themselves to a cookie and some tea and then I took a seat and ate a bite. Both were good.

“What about the father? Won’t he marry her?”

“That’s another thing Ma. She went and got - she did it with a boy. He’s in her class at school!”

“That’s usually how it happens Elise. That’s who she’s around. It’s not unheard of. I think you’re making too much of it.”

Somehow I think I had tuned the whole thing out. I’d gone into fantasy. It didn’t seem real therefore it wasn’t real. I sat and sipped my tea and bit into my cookie and let the adults talk about me and never said a word.

In the end Mama convinced her mother to call Aunt Trudy, Oma Edith’s sister in Chicago, to allow me to come and stay with her until the baby was born, then, it would be put up for adoption.

I can only imagine what my great Aunt Trudy thought when she received a call from her sister in Switzerland. In those days overseas telephone calls were not that common and cost a good deal. The sisters did their communicating by mail but Mama had wanted to get an answer from Aunt Trudy so that if she said no, she could think of other options before it was too late.

She took me to a doctor and since I knew the exact date that I became pregnant, my sixteenth birthday March 10th 1988, they said that I was due around the first week of December that same year.

Even knowing the exact date was no guarantee of the day my child would enter the world, babies have their own schedule, and they could only give an approximate date.

I kept going to school, and I told no one.

***

I don’t know how Oma Edith talked Aunt Trudy into taking me in but a few days later Oma called mother and told her to get me ready to go.

We started by going to the Office of Immigration and applying for a tourist visa that would allow me to stay in the US for 90 days. We figured that after that an application for entry into the country by a relative could be submitted, if necessary, Aunt Trudy was prepared to say that I was her illegitimate daughter so that I could stay the necessary time. We wouldn’t tell the immigration folk that I was pregnant. Mama figured that that little fact would sort itself out when the time came.

She planned for me to put it up for adoption. Since it wasn’t real to me, I still didn’t believe it, adoption wasn’t something that I gave a lot of thought to. Mama said that in the US, my baby would go to a good home, and at any rate, since I was not bringing it home, I wouldn’t need to worry about Swiss citizenship for it.

A couple of days later we went into the school’s office and arranged to have all of my school records transferred to Aunt Trudy so that I could at least finish high school. I’m so glad that my mother thought of doing that for me. I now know that a High School education is the basis for any kind of higher education. I didn’t care then but later this became very important to me.

Early in July I left my home in Switzerland, got on a plane, my first flight too, to land in Chicago. Later my Aunt called me a very brave girl but I think I was either numb, or didn’t realize the momentous step that I was taking. I thought I’d be in Chicago for a few months, and return to Mama or Opa and Oma Finkle in six or seven months. I had no way of knowing that I would never see Opa alive and that I’d probably never truly have a home in Switzerland again.

CHAPTER 5

(Chicago Chronicles)

When I landed at O’Hare International Airport in July of 1988 I thought I had landed in hell. It was just that hot and I had never felt such humidity. I remember the heat and the anxiety, (we had a bumpy flight), caused me to throw up twice before I could make it out to be picked up by my aunt. Luckily I made it to a ladies room in time.

Since we had never seen each other, it had been arranged that Aunt Trudy would hold up a sign with my name, Elizabeth Ebbe on it. I had a vague picture of someone who looked like Oma Edith, hefty, shorter than I from having rounded shoulders and lots of graying hair in a bun.

Aunt Trudy was nothing of the sort. She was taller than I and sylph-like. I suppose since she had never given birth it had been easier for her to keep her youthful figure and appearance. Although she must have been in her late fifties, she looked to be no more than somewhere in her forties. Her hair was stylishly done, and I am sure colored blond, at least highlighted to keep the gray at bay. I would say that she looked like my mother’s elder sister rather than her aunt.

“Elizabeth, over here!" she called to me even though I had not indicted that I was her niece. “You are Elizabeth aren’t you? You look just like your mother did the last time I saw her. For a few moments I thought you were her. But she has to have aged a tiny bit hasn’t she?”

I, being still in a fog of sickness, heat and awed by the strangeness of it all had barely answered her. I think I did manage to answer, ‘Mama looks a little bit like you, I think.”

“Oh dear, you do need to rest don’t you? Let’s get you out of here and into some place cool and dark.”

If I thought that the airport was warm, outside was an inferno! The sidewalks radiated heat; one could probably fry an egg on them. Before long we got the car, she sat me in it with the AC on and then went back for my luggage. Soon we were on our way, navigating the streets that became busier and busier as we grew closer to the city and then not as busy as we drove away from the heart of downtown.

Aunt Trudy lived in a large place that had been subdivided into three apartments. She explained that the owners lived downstairs and they occupied the whole first floor. Aunt Trudy lived upstairs in the front and Mr. Pope lived in the back. All of this went over my head. I figured that I’d get the lay of the land in due time.

We gained access to Aunt Trudy’s flat by going straight up a set of steep stairs once we had entered the door from the outside. I noticed that before starting up the stairs, Aunt Trudy was careful to set the lock. Together we dragged the heavy suitcases up the stairs. Those two suitcases contained all that I owned in them, including Urs Buhler’s socks, I’d never leave them.

She gave me a quick tour. There was a large living room that contained a dove gray sofa and matching lounge chair with ottoman, two marine blue glass end tables with a matching coffee table, and a TV.

Over against the wall that separated her apartment from the neighbors in the back was a pearl gray dinette set with four chairs. The table was preset with Marine blue plate holders and snow white plates with matching napkins in holders.

At the time I remember I thought it quite pretty.

The tiny kitchen held old fashioned appliances. I would guess from before the war at least. There was an old stove, and refrigerator, a white metal storage chest, a few white cabinets and a large country sink.

Since she was kind enough to take me in, I refused to have a negative opinion of these – antiques.

Past that was the bathroom that we would share with Mr. Pope. I remember Aunt Trudy trying to impress upon me the importance of locking the door to Mr. Pope’s side so that he would not try to enter when I was in there and embarrass us both. I stuck my head into the shared bathroom and took a look, not really enthused about sharing a bath with a complete stranger.

We traversed back out through the kitchen, through the living/dining room and on to the two bedrooms off to the right of the living room. Each had its own entry way. My bedroom was tiny. A twin bed with a chest of drawers nightstand and lamp and that was it. As tired as I was, it looked like heaven to me.

Aunt Trudy told me to change clothes and relax, go to bed if I liked. She had to go to work and would be back in about three to four hours.

“Oh, and there are sandwiches and lemonade in the refrigerator to eat. I’ll bring dinner when I come home.” She changed into what I would call a house dress and was out the door.

I remember that after she left I ate a sandwich, kept adequately cool by the ancient refrigerator in spite of its age. I also had lemonade, which after drinking it I carefully rinsed my glass and put it back where it belonged. I went over and got on my knees on the sofa, its back was to the large tri-window that gave a view of the street out front and down below. Everything in the city looked strange.

The trees were sparse, but there were enough trees to provide shade. Cars were slowly coming and going. Most of the parking was on the street so I could see that at certain times of the day getting a park would be hard. I saw Aunt Trudy’s car parked where we had left it and thought that she must have gotten a ride.

I later found out that that wasn’t her car at all. She had borrowed it from the owner’s wife downstairs to pick me up as the bus didn’t go to the airport and a shuttle was expensive by her standards. Before too long I learned to use public transportation to any place that I needed to go.

And so it came to be that I settled into my new home. All of the things that I had done before I left, I now had to redo in the states. Immigration, doctor, school. I also had to learn how to get to these places on my own as Aunt Trudy couldn’t afford to take too much time off from work.

Aunt Trudy was kinder than my mother. I learned that right away. Perhaps because she was older and had a bit more experience in the world than my ma did.

She believed that there was no use crying over spilled milk and to take lemons and make lemonade. She was also a schemer. When she found out that I had no intention of putting my baby up for adoption, she started figuring out how I could keep it & stay in the US.

But I get ahead of myself. I did decide that no child of mine (and Urs Buhler) would be adopted. This decision was made on the day that I felt movement for the first time. That was the last step that helped me believe that I was really having a baby.

I remember that day clearly. I had just finished vacuuming Aunt Trudy’s rugs and dusting her blue glass tables when I rose up and felt this little thump. Later I learned that some women describe it as a flutter, but I felt a distinct thump. I didn’t believe it and then there it came again, in a different place.

I became so excited that I had a hard time waiting for Aunt Trudy to get off from work so that I could tell her. Once I got my news out to her I started crying.

“What’s wrong Lisa?” Early on she had started calling me Lisa saying that Liesel sounded too much like weasel to American ears. So I became Lisa. She said that I could choose Beth, Lisa, Betty, Eliza Lettie, any diminutive of Elizabeth that I wanted. Or we could go with Elizabeth, which she thought was beautiful. I really liked Eliza but it reminded me of Elizabeth Bennett in “Pride and Prejudice” which perhaps made that name a bit dated so I didn’t choose that. I suppose I chose Lisa because it reminded me most of Liesel. With everything else being so new, I needed at least for my name to be familiar.

“So why are you crying?" she asked me the second time. "Have you finally accepted that you’re having a baby?”

“I have Aunt Trudy, but I also just realized that I don’t want to give it away. My mother will make me do it though unless I run away.”

“Don’t you dare run away! You’ll get yourself into trouble that you won’t be able to get out of. This is no Willisau. This is Chicago and it can be a mean and wicked city.

"You say you want to keep this baby? This changes everything you know, but we can do it if you are really sure that you won’t go and get another baby after this one is born. We can make it with one, but not if you keep making the same mistake.”

“Aunt Trudy I have learned my lesson. This was so easy to do and I didn’t know that. I thought it would be –“

“More like the fourth of July parade with fireworks and so forth? Nope not always, making a baby can be done with no fireworks and with fireworks so you have to be really careful. Promise me that you won’t run away and that you’ll get married before you have other children. Do those two things and I will be happy to help you keep your baby.”

With the changed plans, Trudy and I began to discuss our options. As I said, Trudy is a schemer.

We talked about saying that the children’s father was a US citizen but the question arose as to who could we use? Neither of us knew one American male who would say that they fathered a child, doing so might bring about the responsibility of paying child support.

“What if he had died after fathering your child? They’d still be citizens then.”

“No aunt, I don’t want my children’s father listed as dead. He’s not dead. He just doesn’t know that’s all.”

“And just what would he do if he did know?”

“I don’t know and I don’t want to find out. He’s a boy, he has a girlfriend. I don’t know if he loves her or not but I do know that he does not love me, not in the way that a man loves a woman. He and I were friends. We just happened to –“

“To have sex.” Trudy had finished for me since I was still shy to some degree to speak of certain things with adults.

"No American father alive or dead. What about if we say you were raped by some unknown American?” I could almost see her mind working.

Even though I was young, I could see through that.

"Aunt, I am due in December. It is now August and I am four months pregnant. I didn’t enter the country until July. How could I have been raped by an American?”

No sooner had I completed the sentence than I knew that she had thought of something new.

“I have it! This is what we’ll do. When I got my citizenship, if I had had children, they’d be citizens too but since I didn’t have children, I didn’t pay too much attention to it. Consider this. I will adopt you. Great idea huh?”

“Can you adopt me – I mean, aren’t I a bit old for that?”

“No. You are under age; that is all that matters. That way your child will be a citizen too.”

“Will mama let you do this?”

“She will when I give her the choice. Allow me to adopt you or have you come home to Switzerland with a newborn. You do understand that if you keep your child, you won’t be able to go home until you can support yourself. You’re sure that you won’t get homesick and not be able to live if you don’t go back home soon?”

I did understand. I wasn’t homesick at all and the prospect of keeping my baby made it all worthwhile.

We set about getting the adoption underway, sending the papers off to my mother receiving them back then one day about two months later I was officially Aunt Trudy’s daughter. I was about two months away from becoming a mother myself.

Oh there’s one more thing that I forgot to include. My one baby had turned into two. The doctors were now saying that they heard two distinct and strong heartbeats. I didn’t know whether to be happy or worried.

However would I financially take care of two?

CHAPTER 6

(Helping Aunt Trudy)

Remember I was only sixteen years old at that time, still that is no excuse. The minute I saw Aunt Trudy’s old stove and refrigerator I should have known that she did not have the money to take care of me never mind me and two babies.

From the beginning I had always helped her out in the house, keeping it clean and cooking meals on that monster of a stove. It was gas not wood burning. At least I had heaven to thank for that. Finally one day I woke up. Perhaps I could also help Aunt Trudy at her job instead of doing the light housekeeping that I was doing. Except that, I really didn’t know what she did for a living.

“Aunt Trudy, maybe I can get a job, or at least help you out with yours. Have you thought about that?”

“You’re only going to be able to work for about another month. Those twins of yours are growing like weeds.”

“Ok then, I could work and save a little in that one month couldn’t I?”

“I guess so. Do you know what I do?”

“No. But I’m pretty smart, I passed the citizenship test with flying colors, my English is almost perfect, I could learn.”

“You won’t need any of those skills for what I do. I clean houses for a living.”

That almost knocked me off my feet but I didn’t let it show. Aunt Trudy was a strange person. Wherever we went one would have thought she was a fashion model for a senior magazine she was so well put together. And she was a maid?


“You’re a maid then? I can do that I’m sure.” I was confident that I could be a maid.

"I didn’t say that I’m a maid. I don’t work just one house, I have a list of clientele most of them in high rise apartments on Lake shore Drive, I go in weekly and clean up the apartment, wash their bed linen, send their other things out to laundry to dry cleaning, make sure that everything is spick and span for the week. I rarely see the client; they mail me a check monthly.”

“Then I know you can use my help at least. How many do you do a day?”

“I can usually do two. If all of the apartments are in the same complex, then I can do three because I can come and go and sort of do them all at the same time.”

“If we worked together, we could do them in less time couldn’t we?”
And that’s what we did. Aunt Trudy had a total of fourteen apartments that she cleaned per week. She did them at the rate of two to three per day. During the rest of October until December we’d do what we called a blitzkrieg. If there were three in the same complex, and many of them were located in one complex due to the phenomenon of ‘word of mouth’, they tended to share the wealth. When one found a good housecleaner, they were inclined to tell their neighbors.

We'd go in and I’d strip the beds and start the washing in all three apartments. At this stage of my pregnancy Trudy was more flexible so she’d take the kitchen and bath, usually on her knees with knee pads and I’d do the stove, refrigerator (outside only and all of the other surfaces).

Then I’d make my rounds, putting everything into the dryer and we’d finish up the apartment. By the time everything else was done, we’d either fold the clean laundry and put it away or put the same clean sheets and things on the now turned mattress. This went really well and we could have taken on more work but it didn’t make sense to engage new clients when I would only be able to help for the two month period.

Aunt Trudy had said that she wanted me to get my high school diploma. She had plans for me to return to school after I gave birth even if I’d have to go to night school (a longer process) at a time when she’d be home to be with the children.

We still didn’t know if they would be girls, boys or one of each so we chose lots of names, most of them German, the Swiss dialect according to our native tongue. They were both vigorous and in my last month, I could hardly get any sleep for them cavorting. Trudy, who had never conceived a child, predicted that they’d be two boys. I reserved judgment remembering how much of a tomboy I had been while growing up.

Being in those luxury apartments taught me a love for how things could be. Often once we finished, Aunt Trudy and I would stand silent in one of the penthouse apartments just taking in the ambiance. We’d then go out onto a balcony and just look out over Lake Michigan and watch the waves roll in.
On a sunny day the waves would seem to chase each other in play and on a blustery day they’d rush in as if they were angry at the world. Sometimes they were calm and peaceful and at those times the lake looked like glass. Those were the times when I’d imagine that my life would become just like that; smooth, prosperous, and happy.

It was on one such day, a day that Aunt Trudy chose to look out from the twentieth floor that the owner of the large apartment came home.

“Mr. Newman, we weren’t expecting to see you sir. Had you let us know that you’d be coming into town today, we’d have rescheduled.”

Earlier Trudy had explained to me that Clarence Newman, had holdings all over the world and while he didn’t live in Chicago, he was in town enough to need a permanent residence. He liked to keep it in tip-top shape for the times that he was around.

“Oh don’t mind me Trudy. I won’t bother you if you don’t bother me. Who is this beautiful young lady?”


Aunt had introduced us and he and I seemed to hit it off. Although he was an international businessman, I was not in awe of him due to his friendly down-home manner. At that time Mr. Newman must have been in his middle to late forties. He was handsome in a world-weary way. He asked me when my child was due and when I told him in a week he pretended to faint.

“Be very careful young lady. You women of today are so tough I don’t know how you do it.”

“Actually sir, I learned in school that in the past women worked out in the fields and some even gave birth right there. I think those were the tough women.”

He didn’t ask me about a husband, I presume that due to my age and the lack of a ring on my finger he realized there was no husband. The three of us chatted a bit more and then he went into his bedroom and closed the door. Since we were through for the day we left making sure to lock the door behind us.

What can I say about laboring to bring a child into the world? I’ve only been through it once but once as quite enough thank you. Everyone had warned me of the pain. I thought I was prepared for it. But this was more than pain, it was work. It was the kind of tiring energy-leaching work that I had never before been exposed to.

I hadn’t quite expected the joy either. Although I had been told about it, it was a feeling that I will never forget. It was a life-changing experience. Someone said it feels as someone has taken your heart and placed it outside your body. I loved my two little boys from their first breath.

That love has only intensified over the years. I think I mentioned that I am blond. I have very fair, almost white hair. You would think that one of them would resemble me but no, at least at the time of their birth I could see Urs Buhler stamped on both of their little faces.

They were not identical the doctor told me. She said that they were half identical. Up until then I had never heard of any kind of twin but fraternal and identical. Half-identical was new to me.

Later she explained in detail and using drawings that this occurs when the twins have the exact same genetic makeup from the mother when one egg splits from an original egg and forms two eggs. One is formed from the original and the second becomes the polar body but because two different sperm from the same father fertilize both of these two eggs. The resultant children are about 75% identical to each other, whereas fraternal twins are about 50% identical to each other and identical twins have 100 % identical material.

“So my boys will look more alike than brothers but not as much as if they were identical is that right?”

“Yes. That should be the case. Of course you will have to wait and observe as they grow. Right now they look very alike. Same weight, same length. Two perfect little humans.”


And so we began our journey together. Early on I found out that their personalities are quite different. As they grew I saw that one had my blue eyes, the other sort of dark olive green eyes. Both had dark hair and both were very handsome at a very early age.

Life became routine after I brought them home. Aunt Trudy moved out of the larger bedroom into my smaller room and gave her more spacious bedroom to the boys and me.

During that time I met old Mr. Pope who lived in the back part of Trudy’s flat. He came by one day not long after I came home with the newborns. He came through our shared bathroom. I couldn’t believe it when I heard this insistent tapping coming from that area.

I struggled up, still sore from the births and made my way back towards the shared bathroom that was his entry form his flat and there stood an elderly gentleman of about sixty with gray hair and rounded shoulders.

“Hello Miss Lisa. Your Aunt Trudy told mmmmmee tttthhat.”

The man stuttered horribly and so I answered, “That I was home from the hospital?” thinking to help him along but it didn’t work; he repeated what I said exactly although it took him much longer to get it out.

I learned in all of my communications with Mr., Pope that he was like that. He insisted in finishing his sentences and over the years I learned to wait patiently for him to finish.

Anyway on this particular day, the day of our first meeting he reached behind him and produced a beautiful newly carved and stained cradle.

“Tttthis is fffor the nnneewww babababy.”

“Oh Mr. Pope, would you like to take a peek?

He followed me into the living room where both of them lay on the gray sofa, with lots for protecting pads underneath.

“I have two Mr. Pope. Two little boys.”

Two weeks later he brought a second handmade cradle.

CHAPTER 7

(Mrs. Newman)

Two things happened in the first year of Falk and Johannes life. Neither of which had to do with them.

First of all, Aunt Trudy was adamant that I get some schooling. I was equally adamant that I help her earn money. Both of these needs were solved with the help of Clarence Newman, the billionaire owner of the high rise apartment.

His wife of twenty-five years fell ill with cancer. He took off from his many responsibilities for a few months to be with her but eventually, he had to return to work. He had called Aunt Trudy one evening just after we had eaten dinner and asked her if she thought I would be interested in helping him to take care of his wife.

From Aunt Trudy I learned that his plan was to move Mildred, his wife from their Philadelphia home to the Chicago penthouse. He also planned to hire a cadre of nurses to give her around the clock care, but he needed someone to be in the home with her. Someone who had her interest at heart and who would oversee her to make sure that she was getting the physical care that she needed.

“Mr. Newman. I don’t know anything about being a nurse. How will I know if they are doing what they should be doing?”

“I’ll be frank with you Lisa. My wife is in the last stages of her illness. At this point she only needs to be bathed and kept clean and dry. Perhaps have her back rubbed and her hair combed. She’s getting her feedings through a tube, she is unconscious, the doctors tell me that she could last one month up to a year like this but she has a brain tumor and probably will never recover. Surely you’ll be able to tell if they keep her clean and dry. That’s all I ask of you.”

In the end I decided to do it. He knew that I’d have to bring my children with me and he sent someone to help me move our things into the apartment. For the next eight months I stayed there. Whenever he was in town he asked Aunt Trudy to come and stay there too, knowing that it was inappropriate that he be in the apartment with me, an unmarried under aged person without another adult present to chaperone. On these nights, while his wife slept her life away we played cards, whist, spades or hearts or cared for the children.

Clarence grew quite fond of them and they liked him. Having so much solitude enabled me to get some schooling under my belt. I challenged the high school exam and received my GED. Then I went on line and enrolled in college courses that could be done from home.

Mildred Newman died on a cold January night. Her suffering had come to an end. Clarence cried of course but I think he had come to realize that his tears were mainly for himself. She had left him long ago.



I took my now year old twins and moved back into the apartment with Trudy. Clarence had paid me well and I had been able to save most of that money.

In spite of living in luxury for almost a year, I was glad to get home. With twins, both walking and into everything, it was easier for me to keep track of them in the much smaller and more confined space. The penthouse had not been built for babies. One day, I had found Johannes out on the balcony looking through the bars down into a twenty floor abyss. I almost had a heart attack. These babies had been given to me to take care of, not to allow one to fall to his death. After that I kept a close watch on both of them even though there was relatively little in Aunt Trudy’s apartment that they could get into.

When second semester started in February, I went to night school and Trudy stayed home with the twins. It was hard on her but we had a joint goal and the twins were put down early so that she could get a bit of rest in the evening.


I mentioned another thing that I learned in the first year of the twins’ life. Mr. Pope wasn’t as old as I thought. Up until recently, he and Aunt Trudy had been having an affair. It is my understanding that she broke it off once she learned that I was coming. She thought it completely unsuitable for her to have a lover all the while admonishing me to stay away from men unless they were willing to marry me.

Once I found this out, by accident of course I told her,
“Aunt Trudy. I know the difference between what I did and what you were doing. You have no need to build a life as I do. You can have a choice to marry or not to marry as you choose. You’re not old but at your age, you should be able to live life just as you want.”

She had smiled at me and giggled like a schoolgirl. “Well, Miss ‘Fount of Wisdom’, your coming was not the only reason that we broke off. He was at that age you know. And neither of us wanted him to take any kind of pills to - you know - restore him so he thought it better, he was less embarrassed just to call if off.”


In truth I had no idea what she was talking about. At what age? What kind of pills? In spite of having babies, I was still quite naïve and it must have shown on my face. “Is he sick Aunt Trudy?”

“I’ll be blunt Lisa. He couldn’t perform like he wanted to perform, in bed. His – ah - penis would only become heavy, not hard the way it used to. He was too embarrassed for me to see him like that.”

“Oh.” I had no advice for her regarding that. It was completely out of my realm of experience and understanding.

They must have worked it out however because once I started night school, he would come over just about every night. I don’t know what went on but both of them seemed quite pleased with each other. I never did understand why that ‘penis problem’ would embarrass him when his constant stuttering didn’t seem to matter at all.

By the time the twins were old enough to start Kindergarten; I had finished my college work and received my degree. It was 1995 and I was now almost 22 years old. Back in Switzerland, my Opa died that year and the kids and I travelled back for his funeral. Now that I was self sufficient and no threat to her, my newly married mother and I could be friends again. I stayed less than a week.

That was the time I dropped in on Urs playing a gig with the band but he was surrounded by young women so I returned home without telling him about his sons. My plans to introduce him to them came to naught. Perhaps I should have persevered. I didn’t, so there’s no use crying over spilled milk.

When the twins started in the first grade, they were in school for most of the day so I got a job in the embassy translating. Having grown up in Switzerland with its four official languages, I spoke fluent Swiss- German, German, Italian, French, and English. Once hired, how I wished I could speak some of the more exotic (to me) languages such as Chinese, Farsi, or Arabic. Still I stayed busy and managed to love what I did while I got paid for doing it. It seemed almost criminal to me to get money for something that I loved.

I still managed to take a few evening courses towards my Master’s Degree. I attended school two nights a week since I needed to spend the other five with my sons. They were growing like weeds and smart as whips. (Their mother thinks) But it is true!

In 1997, when I was twenty-five, out of the blue I received a marriage proposal. Clarence Newman asked me to be his wife. Now Clarence was thirty years my senior so at 55, he was no longer a spring chicken. But in his favor, he had kept himself in good shape and had a young point of view.

“Trudy, you know that I don’t love him. He knows it too. But he tells me that he is used to having a wife. And he is lonesome. He tells me that he’d like a beautiful young trophy wife on his arm in his old age to make his friends jealous.”

“But that is no reason for him to marry you. I think he cares for you and he even adores the boys. He and Mildred never had children of their own so I think he wants a family. If you married him you’d never have another financial worry in your life.”

That did it. While I did not marry him for his money, I was glad that he had it. Most of all I never wanted to be as insecure as I had been while we were cleaning houses together. And, Aunt Trudy had been aging too. I had guessed her to be 58 when I came in 1988, now nine years later she would be around sixty seven. If I married Clarence, she wouldn’t have to work another day in her life.

And so, at age 25, I came to a new way of living and a new life.

CHAPTER 8

(Going to the Mountain)

I had followed my own counsel for too long to easily bend my will to the wishes of another. Fortunately Clarence was an easy partner. We got along well. We had a few rough spots though. He wanted me to leave off working entirely while I could not fathom myself as a housewife with no independent income. We compromised. He began to teach me about some of his business ventures which were varied and some quite interesting.

We sold his old Philadelphia home and moved into a New York mansion on the Hudson River. It was a lovely place.

The boys were then eight years old so the move was easy for them. They’d miss their third grade friends but first and foremost they had each other.


I had pictured Trudy moving with us but she declined. At somewhere in her late sixties she married Mr. Pope! Clarence and I had a long discussion for I felt a real obligation to make her life as easy as possible. He suggested that we buy the flat in which she lived. As it turned out we bought the whole building. Fate so often works with you. The owner died and the widow wanted to move back to her home town and when we investigated was just getting ready to put it up for sale. We bought it and deeded it in my name but Trudy really knew that it was hers. She was a bit concerned at becoming a landlord at her age but we put her in touch with one of Clarence’s property managers who saw to the rental of the downstairs property which Trudy said was much too large for her and Pope.


They did agree to open up the wall between their two apartments, she renovated the kitchen (she cried to see the old stove and refrigerator go but said it was time); when I visited her I encouraged her to clear out all of the old furniture (she kept the blue tables) both hers and Pope’s and to start anew. Together we picked out some very traditional but new furniture, redid her carpet and you wouldn’t recognize the old place.

With their Social Security and the income from the downstairs place and Pope’s retirement income they were quite secure. Still I felt more comfortable sending her a small stipend every month. She had been so instrumental in my life; she truly had become my mother.

You may wonder how a twenty something woman goes along with a man thirty years her senior, in bed I mean. I could probably explain it best by using a brylcreem commercial popular during that time period. “A little dab will do you.”

In a nutshell, there was not much, not often. He was kind and considerate of my modesty in a way that Urs Buhler, even on that one occasion on the hill had not been. But then, Urs had been young. My husband was old. Sometimes in my secret heart of heart I longed for Urs.

Clarence and I were married in 1997 and he died suddenly of a heart attack in 2003 when he was a month shy of his 62nd birthday. Some less than kind folk said that an old man like him should know better than to get tangled up with a young filly like me but truly it wasn’t like that at all. We certainly did nothing in bed to tax his heart.

Perhaps it can be attributed to his demanding business interests? At any rate when my boys were 15 we were left alone. Their financial security was assured for Clarence left all that he possessed to me and he had no children to contest the will.

I stayed put. The boys were of an age where friends were so important to them. I had learned that with boys, the easiest way to keep them with you is to give them lots of supervised freedom. To make them feel free when in fact they’re watched like hawks. I presume that the formula works for husbands too. Although due to Clarence’s age, I never had to worry about him having the energy for other women.

Trudy and Pope came out to visit and stayed about three weeks. I was quite lonely when she left to return to Chicago so in addition to work I began to do some things, hoping to find a few girlfriends to while away the time now that my sons didn’t need my intervention into their affairs, and being the handsome devils that they were – they had plenty of affairs. It’s best that mother’s not to dig too deeply into that.

I joined a Yoga class, the gym, and tried church. I met a couple of women near my age, Angie who was single and had never been married but was looking, and Rosie who had been married and was divorced.

Remember that I was only 32 at the time, and I almost couldn’t believe that I had two sons who were 16. Even though I had to live a very circumspect life, the three of us, Angie, Rose and I managed to make it to a few clubs, go hiking, and life was good for me, I think, for the first time in a long while.

At seventeen the twins graduated high school. I was so proud of them in their caps and gowns and they were so pleased to snatch them off after I had taken a few pictures. I am amazed at how much they looked like their father as I remembered him. Had I been involved in this process at all? And yet I felt a great sorrow for them, especially Falk for whom family mattered more, for they had no idea who their father was, or that I even knew. I don’t know what they thought, perhaps that I had slept with a lot of guys and didn’t really know?

That year, 2005, not long after they finished High School and got settled into their respective undergraduate work at different but nearby Universities, I decided that once and for all I would clear the air with Urs. It had troubled me for some time that I hadn’t had the balls to tell him, that I was afraid that he might say ‘so what’. I decided to face all of these fears, find him and let him know. He could do with the information what he may.

There was another motivating factor too. Now that I knew that he was singing with Il Divo, I knew that he was someone that his sons could be proud of. Not that they couldn’t have been proud of a truck driver or a fork lift operator, but what if he had stayed with Conspiracy too long and gotten into alcohol or drugs? If their father had a lot of women my boys could understand but I didn’t want to place the burden of a drug addicted father around their necks, asking for money, following them around.

Still, I had no idea what kind of life Urs was leading with Il Divo. He looked clear eyed and certainly was dressed nicely. But I knew that looks could be deceiving. I decided that before I mentioned a word about Urs Buhler to either Johannes or Falk, I would investigate the situation first.

I could have just hired a private eye, have had the investigator seek Urs out and break the news to him, then bring me a report on his reaction but truth to tell, I wanted to see him again too. I had always had a thing for Urs. Perhaps not love exactly but close to it. There had been no way, no how, that I would have lain with him on that hillside that March if I had not had some feelings for him other than friendship.

In February 2006 on the 10th and 11th to be exact, Il Divo was to play at Radio City Music Hall in my city. I was overjoyed because I wouldn’t have to search him out. He would come to me.
I had underestimated Il Divo’s popularity. I had envisioned getting to the venue early, slipping backstage and arranging a private meeting with him later. Well the best laid plans of mice and men don’t always work out.

First of all Angie, Rose and I didn’t allow enough time. The traffic, even in a cab was horrendous. Even so we arrived, took our seats about twenty rows from the stage, we had terrific views, and we thoroughly enjoyed the show.

I did not tell the girls that I was acquainted with Urs. That was my secret, at least until he and I had our private talk – then we’d see. That night all three of us fell for a Divo. Rose was enthralled with Carlos with his sexy self. She was even trying to roll her R’s and speak with a Spanish accent, she who was from Brooklyn.

Angie couldn’t decide whether she was going to have Seb as her second husband or Urs. As for myself, I fell quietly and totally in love with Urs all over again.

He looked so good. He was much more self-assured than I had ever seen him before. I could see my sons in him and knew that if he was of the mind to do so, he could be as proud of them as I.

I know that men are different. That they are not mothers. It was entirely possible that because he had not been around them in their infant years he would feel no connection other than an intellectual knowledge that they carried his DNA and looked something like him. I knew that he was single but he could have other children strewn all over the world, his bibliography had mentioned Amsterdam, and France and so forth.

After the show ended I asked the usher quite politely if we could have a word with Mr. Buhler. He thought that was quite funny and pointed out about a couple of hundred of fans who, he said, also would love to have a word and more with Mr. Buhler.

I felt a big letdown and then I thought; 'Wenn der Berg nicht zum Propheten kommt, muder Prophetzum Berg kommen.'
If the mountain will not come to Mohammad, Mohammad will go to the mountain.

CHAPTER 9

(A Bit of Detective Work)

This time, instead of depending on luck I used some of my considerable resources to insure the outcome that I desire which is to have twenty minutes alone with Urs Buhler and pass the long deferred news to him that we had children together. I was trying very hard to have no expectations of him. It could always backfire, and I certainly had no intention of mentioning Urs to either Falk or Johannes.

I hired a detective to research where the members of Il Divo spent their down time and if possible when that would occur. He got back to me a day later and said that they were easy to track en masse, in other words, when they all got together. When they separated, it would be more difficult to determine where they went individually because it seems they took great pains to hide their whereabouts.

“So tell me John, where do they meet together?” I had asked, somewhat impatiently because my expectations of having an easy conversation with him were becoming more and more difficult.

“Simon Cowell, you know who he is, has an English Manor Home located in the countryside. The plan is that they’ll gather there, with their ladies for a week for R&R, don’t know if Simon will be in residence or not.”

I thanked John for his usual thoroughness and told him that I’d call him later that day for an additional assignment.

Before I made my plans, I thought them out carefully. Back in Switzerland my best friend, Sasha had a younger brother who used to like to listen to his sister and her girlfriends talk. At that time Sasha must have been around thirteen and Fritz had been around eight. Fritz had learned that if he came home from school directly and got into Sasha’s bed he could be sound asleep by the time she and her girlfriends came into her room to talk about ‘things’. He’d wake up when he heard them enter and if he stayed really quite and pretended to sleep, they wouldn’t put him out, mistakenly thinking that he was asleep and couldn’t hear them anyway.

Of course Fritz couldn’t sustain the pretend sleep. One of the girls mentioned something particularly intriguing to Fritz and he sat up and said “What’s that!” They threw him out one his ear.

Though I had no intention of getting caught like poor Fritz had, I too planned to use stealth in my approach to getting to Urs Buhler.

I called John once more.

“John, I want you to find out how I can apply for a position at Simon Cowell’s manor house. Can you do that for me?”

“Of course I can Mrs. N. What do you know how to do?” John didn’t know about my days as a housecleaner and when I told him that I wanted to be one of the maids, one of the ones who worked under the direction of the housekeeper he was flabbergasted. He couldn’t’ figure out why I, who could afford to buy the place would want to work there as a maid. But since he was not being paid to question or to know answers, he agreed readily to see what he could do. I could almost hear his brain kicking out thoughts ‘crazy woman has too much money for her own good. ‘

After that I dressed and went out into the cool spring air, did a power walk for about twenty minutes then stopped at a stand for a latte and came back home to wait for John’s report.

While I waited I called Willisau and talked to my mother. Since I was no threat to her we had become the best of friends, or perhaps I should just say friendly and leave it at that. She said that Oma Edith was doing poorly. She must be all of eighty something by now. After I rang off from my mother I wrote Grandma Edith a long letter, her hearing being too bad to talk on the phone, but she could see well enough to read a letter.

I had just finished the letter when John called. He hoped that he hadn’t overstepped but he had prepared an application for me and had it ready to submit as soon as I gave him the go ahead.

“Mrs. N. I learned that they only hire for special guests, such as when Il Divo hangs out there. Otherwise, Mr. Cowell has his own permanent staff. If you submit your application and they choose you, you will be brought in for training about a week in advance and will be expected to work for the full week that Il Divo is there.”

“Yes John that sounds about right. Did you make the application sound appealing?”

“That I did Mrs. N. I also placed the return address as one of your holdings here in London. They will forward any reply to you by express mail. Oh and Mrs. N? I learned that Il Divo will be going to Australia, Ireland and Scotland before returning to the UK. There they’ll have a week off in mid-April at Mr. Cowell’s before continuing on to Sweden.”

Good, I have only a few weeks to wait.

At the end of March I received the inquiry as to whether I was I still interested in the job? I called to reply that I was still interested and was told to report on April 2nd.

I packed all serviceable clothing. I was not dressing to impress anyone. I also packed a dark wig and glasses. My plan was to observe Urs before I let him know my identity. Without the wig and the glasses, he was sure to recognize me. Even with the disguise it would be touch and go.

My rationale for observing him was that I needed to know if he was a person that I would even consider putting into my sons’ lives. If he had turned manipulative, self centered or was addicted to something, I’d quietly go about my business and when the week ended I’d go home with none the wiser.

I did let my family know that I would be traveling in London for a few weeks. I did not tell them why. I suppose my sons thought that I was just taking advantage of my freedom now that they were both safely tucked away in school. Aunt Trudy was not suspicious either. She wished me a safe trip and I gave her the address where she could keep in touch if she needed to.

I flew into London on April fool’s day, rested a bit and then set out to find the Country Estate by train. This was all like a big adventure for me. It had been quite a while since I had resorted to public transportation but I didn’t think it would do for me to show up to work as a maid in a relatively expensive cab.

I managed to pull my medium sized wheeled bag the two blocks that I had to walk to reach the house from the train and was pleased that I arrived on time and that they were expecting me. So far so good.

I think the head housekeeper Mrs. Ward was pleased with my learning curve. Most of what I was to do was easy and quite minimal. During the week that Il Divo was to be in residence I was keep the large dining table dressed for daily use with a twelve piece setting of Royal Albert English Rose, too fussy for my taste but what I liked didn’t matter. For the one or two special nights I was to use Lennox Platinum. A side board kept the matching napkins and silverware. One set of silver and other of gold plate.

When I was not keeping the dining room table presentable or loading, clearing, or serving, I was to keep the fruit bowls, and bowls of a variety of candies that were located around the room filled and refreshed. Knowing how Urs liked chocolate, I thought that duty might compose the majority of my job. That was it. Other helpers had been hired to keep the bathrooms clean and outfitted, others to handle the bedrooms (I would have preferred to do that. Perhaps he’d have been easier to corner when he was in bed).

And I was to help serve them when they all ate as a group at the large dining room table that probably accommodated twelve people.

I think Mrs. Ward had envisioned that it would take hours to teach me the correct places for all of the usual as well as the auxiliary pieces of silverware, glassware and so forth. This I knew not so much from my days as a house cleaner but from playing hostess and entertaining my late husband’s guests.

Coming with knowledge of what to do and how it should be done left me with time on my hands. I walked the beautiful grounds, meditated at the still pond, marveled at the rushing fountain located on the side garden of the property. It was altogether perfect for Il Divo to be introspective and to relax for a bit before continuing a grueling tour.

It was fortunate that I was ahead of schedule because four days before the respite was to begin for Il Divo I got a call from my mother. Oma Edith had passed away. Aunt Trudy wanted to attend her sister’s funeral and with me in London quite near, could I think of some way to get her there so that she didn’t have to fly alone?

Pope was feeble so I didn’t even consider him. I called Falk and Johannes, left each of them a message asking if there was any way that either of them could take three to four days off from school to get Aunt Trudy to the funeral.

Falk had a test coming up that he shouldn’t miss. Johannes answered that he could and would be pleased to do that for Aunt Trudy. He arranged for her to fly to New York that very day and the next morning they would leave from JFK on a direct flight to Switzerland.

That done, I decided that I could fly up to Switzerland for three days and return early on the fourth. That meant that I would be arriving back in the UK on the same day that Urs and the others did. Mrs. Ward understood my need to attend my grandparent’s funeral so I zipped up my bag and took off again knowing that I’d find something to wear to her funeral once I got home.

This was yet another change. Oma Edith had enjoyed a long life. I could imagine how it could have been particularly painful having three of her four children die before she did. And, since her husband died, she had missed him terribly and it had shown.

My mother Elise was sad but as she wasn’t one to ever have any great depth to her she blathered on about how she could finally sell the old farm and wondered how much profit it would bring.

I had made it a point to keep her in the dark about my finances as a sort of self protection. Had she known, I would have had no peace. That was just who she was. Still, I saw to it that she wanted for nothing that she needed and she imagined that I was being really generous with her. Little did she know.

Aunt Trudy and Johannes arrived in good time and all helped Mama finish up with the arrangements and the funeral was held the following day. I had envisioned the family all sitting around the fireplace (it was still cold in Switzerland this April) and reminiscing but Johannes had other ideas, He wanted to explore and in fact had managed to hook up with some of the younger men who attended the funeral, those in the 18-21 year old category. They had planned to go out to a club that evening and to ski the follow day before he escorted Aunt Trudy home the day after.

I heartily approved of him getting to know some of the young men in my home town. And so, I figuratively waved him off having no idea that his presence in the little town of Willisau would cause an uproar that would threaten my carefully laid plans regarding Urs once I returned to London.

CHAPTER 10

(Johannes Who?)

When I had brought the boys to Willisau all of those years ago, they were small, not yet able to navigate about town on their own. I determined who they saw and who saw them. It was not so this time. Johannes Buhler was quite capable of going anywhere in the small town that he chose. And he moved about quite a bit.

It was almost inevitable that one of the Buhler clan would see him and probably seeing a marked resemblance to the family, asked him his name.

I didn’t experience this first hand but I am told that the conversation went something like this.

“Who are you? You remind me of someone” the man, only a bit older had asked.

Johannes replied, “I am Johannes Buhler.”

“Buhler huh, I’m Christophe Buhler. I’m probably your second cousin. You look a lot like Franz or Urs, which one is your papi?”

Johannes had sought to deflect the question by not answering directly. “Actually, I was born in the States. I’ve never lived here.”

“Then what are you doing here now?”

“My great grandmother died, I came for her funeral, that’s all.”

“So your people are from here. Who’s your mother?”

“My mother’s name is Lisa Newman. She used to be an Ebbe.”

“Ah. I see. Well then see you around Johannes; hope you enjoy the land of your mother.”

After that, Christophe Buhler took himself off.

Johannes had just come home to tell me about the strange conversation that he had had with another kid named Buhler. “Is my father from here ma, is he a Buhler from here? That guy said that I look like a Buhler.”

I was saved from answering right then when I noticed several people climbing out of a Volvo coming up my mother’s walk. While peeking out of the crisp white curtain I motioned my mother over, “Isn’t that Franz Buhler and his mother and father?”

My mother didn’t answer but her face said it all. When I had turned up pregnant all those years ago, she hadn’t bothered to ask the school boy’s name. Now she intuitively knew. Why else were these people coming to her house? There was nothing left to do but to open the door and welcome them in.

“Evening Mrs. Buhler, Mr. Buhler, Franz..” Elise was quite a bit younger than Frances Buhler.

“Elise, my Brother Karl’s boy came over today with some tale of seeing a boy who looked like my boys. He said his name is Buhler too.” Arne Buhler spoke for the family.

I stepped forward. I was a grown woman; I would not put my mother in the place of explaining my situation.

“It’s true. My son is a Buhler but he doesn’t know his father. Until recently he had never heard the name Urs Buhler.” (That infamous CD cover had only listed him as Urs.)

“I told you mami it must have been Urs. I knew it wasn’t me. I barely knew Liesel. I barely knew you, did I Liesel?” Franz asked, clearly relieved of any responsibility in this situation; he was now married and had three children.
I had smiled at Franz and corroborated his story. “Johannes, come in here for a moment please.”

When Johannes walked into the room I heard Frances Buhler take a breath as visible tears sprang into her eyes. “Come here young man and give your Oma a hug. He is the spit and image of Urs isn’t he Arne?”

Johannes had cut his eye towards me for my approval that these were indeed his relatives and when I nodded he dutifully went over and gave each grandparent a hug and shook hands with his uncle Franz.

“You know, I just talked to Urs today. He doesn’t know about this boy does he? He told me that if he’s around twenty-one like Christophe said, Urs would have been around fourteen. How old are you Johannes?”

He seemed to be enjoying the hoop-la. “I just turned 18 a few months ago on December 10th.”

“So if you add three years to 14, Urs was 17 then.”

“That’s why he doesn’t know Mrs. Buhler. He was quite young at the time and I just couldn’t do that to him, not at that age.”

“But we would have taken care of him. We don’t abandon our own.”

My mother surprised me and spoke up for me. “That’s my fault. Lisa was sixteen, she turned sixteen on the day that it happened and I forced her to keep it to herself. I had planned that she’d go and live with my Aunt Trudy in America and then give the baby up for adoption.”

“Adoption!” Arne Buhler was outraged. He said something that sounded like ‘over my dead body’. And Johannes looked at him and smiled.

“Well you all can see that she disobeyed me. That’s why she never came back here. She was too busy keeping her secret.”

Johannes, bless his heart came over and put his arm over my shoulder. “She was the best mother that my brother and I could have. Whatever she did, I’m sure she had her reasons.”

“You have another boy Liesel, younger than this fellow here?”

Johann answered for her, loving the drama, knowing that they’d figure out that there were two of them.

“Actually, my brother and I are the same age, we’re twins.”

“Lord have mercy.” I heard Frances say. “There’s two of you?”

“Ma show them Falk’s picture, the one that you keep in your wallet.”

They all gathered around the wallet sized photo of Falk, taken just a few months before on their 18th birthday. All the while Johannes explained things. “See, he and I are very alike but different. He’s the same height as I, same dark hair, but his eyes are blue like my ma’s.”
“He might have blue eyes, but he’s the image of my son too. Wait until I tell Urs about this.”

I realized that I wanted to stop this mother from telling her son anything. I needed to talk to him. I couldn’t allow this unplanned revelation spoil all of my plans.

The Buhler’s ended up staying for dinner, we had so much food due to the funeral and I got a chance to ask Frances Buhler to please let me tell Urs.

“I was in London for that very purpose when Oma Finkle died. I should be the one to tell him.”

“Yes, you’re right but I’d hate to be in your shoes. If I know my son he’s going to be furious with you for keeping this from him all of these years. Being a woman I can understand how you, as a young girl were not strong enough to stand up to your mother. But men are different. They can be harsh and judgmental. So even if he doesn’t take this well, he’ll get over it. He does have a kind heart.”

CHAPTER 11

(I will tell him)

We were all scheduled to fly back to our respective destinations early the next morning, I to London, Johannes and Trudy to the states. I felt the need to have a heart to heart with Johannes before we left so I waited up for him. He didn’t stay out very late.

When I heard his key in the lock I waited until I heard him throw the deadbolt and then softly called for him to come into my room. I patted the bed for him to have a seat.

As was my norm I looked at him closely for any sign of alcohol use and finding as I expected that he looked alert and aware I began to tell him what was on my mind.

“You’ve found out a lot about the other side of your family today, how are you feeling about all of that? Are you all right with me, all right with them? It is a lot to digest all at once.”

“I’m ok mom. I’m glad to finally know who my father is and even though I haven’t met him, I do know his name and that he lives in London.”

“Perhaps you wish I had told you when you were younger, and maybe I should have but I was determined that no one take you away from me. Not him; not his people, and we were very poor then. I don’t know if you ever knew that both Auntie Trudy and I cleaned houses when you were small to keep everything going for you and Falk. Was I wrong, should I have made him acknowledge you?”

“I really think you’re making too much out of this mom. Falk and I turned out ok. You were telling me about that time when you went in the club and he was surrounded by girls, I don’t think that would have been the time to show up with baby pictures. I’m 18 and when I think about the fact that he was a year younger than I am now, there’s no way that he would have had the maturity that you had. I sure wouldn’t want to take care of any babies right now. That’s why I am always care - .”

He stopped probably remembering that he just wasn’t comfortable talking about his private life with me even when I encouraged him to do so. I couldn’t help but think that if he had a father, he wouldn’t have cut short what he was going to say.

“I don’t know Urs, Johannes. I haven’t had a conversation with him for twenty years. I am going to give him the information to reach you and your brother and leave it at that. If he doesn’t call, don’t feel that it is your fault, not in any way. It will just mean that he hasn’t finished his growing up. Some men don’t ever reach true maturity. Promise me that you won’t be hurt!”

“I promise mama. I’ll tell Falk too what you just said. Urs might be as big of a kid as we are, just older.”
**

I flew into London and got a cab from Heathrow to the train that would take me to Cowell’s home. I arrived before any of the Divo’s made their appearance. Since I was not on duty until later, I went up to my room, which faced the front and began to unpack, but I also looked out of the window as each one arrived.

The tall American came first with an equally tall blond woman. They made a striking couple and were laughing as they walked along doing a version of the old ‘bump’ dance; both had a loose relaxed look about them that spoke volumes about how they were getting along. I would bet that all was right in their world.

Next came the two beautiful men that I knew to be Sebastien and Carlos, both were with attractive women. The small group of four was talking animatedly.

Arriving almost at the same time came Urs and his petite blond lady. I could feel my eyes narrow and I gave them all of my attention, the other four people forgotten momentarily.


They did not walk together, Urs lagged a bit behind but that didn’t mean much because she was talking to him and he was listening. I thought that the woman, though small, more than made up her size in her ability to manage things. Other than that observation I could not really make an assessment. Time would tell. It was almost time for me to get to work. I put on my wig, brushed it a bit, added the clear lens glasses and headed downstairs to see about helping to get the guests settled.

Since Donna, the woman assigned to make sure they are comfortable, told me that she had everything under control, I checked the dining room one last time and then went into the kitchen to see if we were on schedule. We had been told that they’d probably want to eat within the first hour of arriving so I was ready. Before long, as requested by the housekeeper all of them were back downstairs getting settled at the table.

The food service went smoothly. I kept my mouth shut as a good servant would unless asked a question. I poured the wine freely, anticipating when more was needed and not making them request more.
Urs was quiet. He seemed preoccupied. I hoped he was considering the call that he had received from Frances asking him about Johannes. His date, I heard them calling her is Karin, she kept trying to get his attention and he’d give it but soon he’d drift off again.

I realized that my plans had changed too. There was really no need for me to observe him. I needed to get him alone so that we could speak privately for if I didn’t talk to him soon, his mother would. She had given me a small window of time to tell him the truth vowing that the lie of omission had gone on long enough and if I put it off, she would tell him for me. My sons knew and they too would also ask questions.

That first day was wasted as far as I was concerned. They all turned in early, tired I supposed from being on the tour and needing to feel the luxury of a room that opened on to fresh country air that had no tang of city restaurants or heavily trafficked streets.

The next day I served breakfast and lunch and after lunch, I saw that Karin was headed up to their bedroom while Urs was going outside for a little exercise. I seized my chance and followed him only allowing him about a two minute lead. He was moving along at a fast pace seeming headed to no place in particular. He circled along the pathway that led to the back of the house and I hurried after him, ignoring the fact that we could be seen from his bedroom. If Karin saw us and came to investigate so be it. I was determined that he’d hear what I had to say.

I was hard on his heels when he stopped and turned. “Are you and I going in the same direction or are you following?”

I remembered that he could be quite direct when he wanted to. I had observed that he looked remarkably the same. I would have recognized him anywhere, the perfect oval of his face having given way to a more mature squared chin. Slight crinkles were now in the corners of his eyes that increased his attractiveness. His body was toned, much more than I remembered it but so nicely sculpted that it seemed as if it had always been that way.

“I’m following you Urs. May I speak with you privately?”

He hemmed a bit, looking to the left and then to the right clearly thinking that now the maid was after him. I cleared that up immediately by taking a hand to the wig and another to the glasses at the same time. I began to speak to him in our native Swiss-German tongue.

“It has been a long time Urs but not so long that you will have forgotten Liesel Ebbe has it?”

“Liesel?”

“Have you forgotten?” He blushed a bit and I knew he was remembering the last time we had been alone together.

“What are you doing here in London? You disappeared, left school, and fell off the face of the earth.”

“Oh I didn’t fall off of it entirely; I’ve been in the United States. I live in New York.

Just about then Karin reached us, I suppose she thought she was coming to keep an overly aggressive woman from her man for when she burst on the scene, and we were still talking in out native tongue, which she could not understand.

“Urs, aren’t you just about through here? Come walk with me.” I think she sounds a bit petulant but then I am probably biased.

I ignore her and continued to talk to him, freely because she has no idea what we are saying.

“Your mother called you about a child a few days ago. That is what I need to talk about with you but privately please.”

He heard that because he ordered Karin back to the house. “Go back Liebe. I will see you soon.”

“But Urs – “

“Go back! Can’t you see that she is from my home town, now stop trying to keep me from hearing what she has to say.”

Karin rolled her eyes in my direction but she took off, showing the beginnings of a good pout.

While waiting until she was out of ear shot and eye sight I considered this woman of his. She is petite and she is a bit older than he. I knew him to be 36 to my 35. Karin was probably three or even four years older than I. She was still very attractive. I was glad to see that he didn’t have a preference for twenty year olds.

“When your mother called you, what you didn’t know is that I went away because I was pregnant with your child. My mother packed me up and sent me away as soon as she found out about it. I was supposed to have it adopted but I didn’t.”

He was silent but he did sit down on a nearby rock wall, I thought he was a bit numb and was having hard time understanding what I was saying.

“So Mami was right. She asked me if I had a son, I denied it of course. How did she find out?”

“She found out because my grandmother died and Johannes and I went back for the funeral.”

“You didn’t have it adopted?”

“Not it. Him. He is 18 now. Anyway he looks a lot like you, someone recognized the resemblance and the name of course; he is Johannes Buhler. Of course he has never known who his father might be so he denied that he was related to the Swiss Buhler’s. He kept saying that he had been born in the US. That afternoon your mother came to question me, but she was convinced after seeing him.”

"And you have kept this from me all of these years? Why? To what purpose?” He sounded angry now.

“I did come home when they were quite young, you were probably around twenty-three but I didn’t say anything because you were playing your instruments and singing and surrounded by women and I thought you might laugh at me so I left and went back.”

He just looked at me steadily for a long moment. “You were afraid of being rejected so you played God with my son’s life and with my life? You allowed a few women to keep us apart?” He was standing over me now. He took me by my arms and gave me a little shake as if to say wake up woman!

I am made of sterner stuff than that. I had wrestled this man and outwitted him to boot. I came right back at him. “How was I to know? Could you have protected us from my mother? Could you have fed us and clothed us, would you even have wanted to? I cleaned houses, mopped floors, cleaned toilets to keep-“

“Please Liesel, save the drama. You may have had a hard time of it but still, you had absolutely no right to do that to me. You should have given me a chance.”

“I’ve just given you a chance dummy. Johannes and Falk are alive and you can meet them if you want to. Until you or they are dead, there’s always a chance.”

Liesel, you said Johannes and Falk, who the devil is Falk?”

“Oh I forgot to mention it. There are two of them. They are twins.”

He sat back down on the rock wall and looked at me with a mixture of anger and amazement.

CHAPTER 12

(Mein Gott, how can this be?)


Yes. I sit here and watch Liesel Ebbe, a girl that I haven’t seen since who-knows-when but I can’t really see her for all of the thoughts swirling around in my head. Yet I can’t seem to focus on any one thought. This is not like me at all. As soon as one thought enters, another rushes in to chase it away. Two kinder she said, but not really children for they are almost grown. Mein Gott!

Karin, what is going to happen with her? She will not be pleased. But I have two boys. What kind of people are they? Liesel has to be lying, that’s all. This is a joke, that’s what it is.

Her face is saying this is not a joke.

“Liesel.” Good, my voice sounds steady enough. “Do you need money? Do they need anything?”

I don’t mean to sound like I am trying to buy her off but that is how she takes it. Liesel always was quick to act. She hits me. She lands a solid blow to the chest. It doesn’t hurt much of course but it shows me that she is very angry with me.

“You ass! I don’t want a thing from you. First you rag on me because I didn’t tell you soon enough and when I finally get up the courage to tell you, you try to pacify us by offering us money.”

“I don’t mean that Liesel. But you are here working as a maid’s helper. My God you say that you have two boys who must eat like they shovel snow all day. You expect me to let you stay in poverty? That is all I meant. I know they must be – expensive and hard for you to take care of.”

I can see that she was calming down by the minute. I watch her take a deep breath then another; she has a nice chest too. I remember that she had potential even back in those days. That is probably why I gave myself permission to make love with her but then I admitted that there had been no ‘with’. It really was make love ‘to’ her because she had been willing but totally clueless. I think I gave her my socks to clean up with. What a joke that had been. She had been my friend too and hadn’t had a thought about what sex was really like, I think she expected moonbeams and music and I betrayed her by bringing her pain. But that had not been all. There had been babies too.

“Urs Buhler. This is all I have to say to you. I don’t want your money. I don’t want anything from you. I want you to know that they exist so that when your mother calls you again to tell you that she has met Johannes, you won’t deny him ‘cause even if you do deny them, your mother is convinced that they are her kin and she is not going to let them get lost from her.”

I am remembering more each moment of Liesel’s fiery nature. That was what I liked about her. She always spoke up and she was as straight as an arrow. She might be wrong in her decisions but her motivations were good. I feel the last of my anger slip away.

Perhaps I should be praising her instead of what did she say ‘rag’ her? I didn’t have to know what that meant to understand that she thinks I am being argumentative and difficult.

“I want to meet them too. Where are they? Can we go there today?”

“No we can’t go there today. I’m working remember. I can’t just leave after I promised to stay until you guys finish your mini vacation.”

“Of course you can leave. You think Carlos and Sebastien and even David can’t wait their own table, or go into the kitchen and dish it up out of the pots? They could cook it too if they had to.”

I feel my anger returning, not at her but because she needs the money and is probably too proud to admit it or to take it from me.

“This is much more important can’t you see that Liesel?” I now feel that my strength has returned; I have a purpose in this whole thing. “If I clear the way for you to leave and make sure that Simon pays your salary (I will create the envelope of course and be generous too) tomorrow will you take me to meet my sons?”

“I will take you if you are prepared to go.”

That sounds a bit ominous. What does she mean if I am prepared to go? Mein Gott are they ill? Were they born defective? Had Liesel and I been too young?

“Is something wrong with them Liesel? Don’t be afraid to tell me if it is so. I want to meet them no matter what.”

Liesel gives me a look that I cannot fathom. Then she answers and the news is not good. “You’ll have to be strong but even then Urs, I’m not sure. Perhaps after the tour is over when you’ve had a chance to rest, to build up your strength.”

It must be bad. Disfigured perhaps? In spite of my attempts to block the thought, pictures of twin hunchbacks of Notre Dame popped into my mind, along with the elephant man, rain man and even Neanderthal man, all of them drooling. I quickly clear these daunting pictures away. I will love them no matter what. I square my shoulders and then realized that I have done so.

“No matter what Liesel, I am strong; you do no longer have to carry this burden alone.”

“That’s good, because to meet them you will have to travel back to the States. I tried to see you when you were there a couple of months ago but your security is quite strict. You guys are better guarded than Fort Knox do you know that?”

“It’s reassuring to hear that.” I spoke idly, not interested in any Fort Knox prattle. How could she be so blasé when our children needed us? But then she had lived with it for far longer than I.

“What is wrong with them Liesel? You can tell me.”

Only now do I come to understand that she has been kidding with me. The minx, still up to her old tricks.

“What’s wrong with them Urs? Not much I’m afraid. I was just having fun with you, winding you up. Falk is the sensitive one. Johannes is more outgoing and talkative too but they both are fine physical specimens.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. I always did over think things. Now realize that I took an idea and ran with it. They are both well. If Falk is a little ‘sensitive’ who cares, as long as he can have a happy life. I meet many gay men in my profession. We seem to draw them too which is fine with me as long as they like our music.

“Look Urs. They are in the States. If you are going to meet them this week, you’ll have to make arrangements for us to fly to New York City. We can fly tomorrow and on Tuesday, go and see Johannes, perhaps see Falk too if he doesn’t have another test. They are in different schools.”

Liesel and I agree that this is a good plan. She then leaves to forewarn the housekeeper that she will be leaving and I leave to call the office to have them arrange a flight to New York for two adults first class. I also had office personnel arrange for me to fly directly from New York to Sweden the following Sunday. I’d meet up with the other Il Divo guys there.

While we are on tour, management likes to keep us all together, nice and tight to help prevent mishaps, miscommunications and delays. I understand that but this is a once in a lifetime occurrence. They had been without a father for all of their eighteen years. I need to meet them and assure them that they have my support too. A mother is priceless but a father needs to be in the picture too. This I firmly believe.

After seeing to our flights, we need to be at the airport quite early tomorrow, I go to find the housekeeper to further smooth the way for Liesel. She might need this woman’s good will one day. It is never good to burn one's bridges.

I can afford to support her along with the boys but I doubt that she’ll like that. She’s very independent. So, perhaps if the only thing she knows is housework, I can convince her to go back to school, I wonder if she ever even finished secondary school or high school as she would call it in the states?

I interrupt three of the other maids at their break and they direct me to the large pantry for the housekeeper, Mrs. Ward I learned she was called. A picture of a chifferobe and a wardrobe popped into my mind immediately and I had to really think hard. Was it Mrs. Ward, or Mrs. Chiff?

She too has been taking a break and she almost popped out of her seat when I walked in. I suppose that this section of the house is off limits to the guests. “I am sorry to disturb you Mrs. … Ward. I came to speak to you about Miss. Liesel Ebbe. You see she … “

“I’m sorry Mr. Buhler but I don’t seem to have a Miss. Ebbe on my staff. Are you sure that you have the right name?”

I realize that I am not sure. Not sure at all. She had worn a black wig up until she unveiled herself to me. Perhaps she is working under an assumed name.

“She’s the young lady with the black hair, and the glasses.” And I tried to show her the way the straight dark hair fell on each side of her face and the bangs and so forth.

“That would be Lisa Newman, Mrs. Lisa Newman. She is leaving tomorrow you know, some emergency came up with her children. I’ll hate to lose her for she is good worker. She’s always asking the others if she can help them in any way. Most of them just want to sit on their …”

“Yes. I understand. I too just wanted to add my praise for her work. Sorry I got her name mixed up with possibly a maid at our hotel. But she is a good worker.”

I figured that was enough. The woman already had a good opinion of Liesel, why overdo it?

Now on to the hard part; I owe it to Karin to tell her the truth. She will not be pleased with this news. She too is fiery in her own way and can be quite protective of me.

CHAPTER 13

(And what about my girlfriend?)

Actually when I met Karin, I had thought myself deeply in love with a French woman with whom I had lived off and on once Il Divo started, for about four years. That woman had been good for me. She was centered, perhaps even placid and I had a good life with her up until I began traveling and had to be away from home for a good deal of the time.

That schedule was too much for her, and perhaps Karin had a hand in helping her move on, I don’t know. Women seem to have a better grasp of behind the scene and under the table dealings than men. At any rate, my woman from France broke it off with me and I freely admit to myself it was time that she did that, and I moved on with my life.

The good thing was that Karin works for the organization and I don’t have that problem of saying goodbye and seeing a woman cry when I can do nothing about it. That really used to bother me. Now, Karin is happy and so am I.

She can be a bit bossy and possessive but I think it’s rather cute. She is only the size of a peanut and she is trying to tell me what to do. Mein Gott! When she does this, most of the time I do not mind. Occasionally I do not like it when she tries to be controlling. On those occasions we argue but then she uses my good nature against me too.

She knows that I refuse have an argument in public. She knows this so she will harry me, recognizing that it is only once we are alone that I will put her in her place.

Lately she has been after me to have a baby with her. She is the most cunning of all of my girlfriends. She knows that once we have a child I will never leave her. Up until my Mami called questioning me about another child, this question of having a baby with Karin had been upper most in my mind. Is she the woman with whom I want to spend the rest of my life? It is important that my child have two parents.

When my mami called, and asked me if I had a son, that chased all other thoughts away. Now that Liesel has further explained what my mami was talking about, I realize that I have not lived by my own rule. Two of my children, and they are boys too, have had to grow up without me. It was not my fault except in a way it is.

I knew that Liesel was young for her sixteen years. In spite of rumors to the contrary she had not been a girl who slept around, I knew what could happen and I failed to protect her. In that sense I am culpable. I cannot create any more children until I am assured that these two have an opportunity in life. It is just that simple. Liesel has my first loyalty.

I came out of my thoughts as soon as I saw Karin sitting alone in the Lounge. I suppose all of the others were outside. I could see that she’s ready to go for a swim and was only waiting until I put in an appearance.

“Where were you Urs? I thought we came here to have a bit of fun.
You weren’t off chasing that Swiss woman again were you?”

“Actually, I was in the kitchen thanking the housekeeper for her services.”

“Why would you need to thank her? She’s paid to do what she does. I’ll bet you weren’t thanking her at all, you were seeing that Swiss maid. What was she babbling about to you? You know that it’s rude to speak in a foreign language when someone who doesn’t understand it is around.”

“We were speaking Swiss-German before you came up.” I make a quick decision not to tell Karin my business. I realize as I look at her with new eyes, that she can be vindictive. She has no business knowing about the boys at least until I myself know what condition they are in, and after that, until I decided if Karin is truly the woman for me.


“I have to go away for a bit Karin. That’s what Mrs. Newman was telling me. Some family business has come up and I won’t know the full of it until I go and see for myself.”

“When do we leave? Do you want me to pack our things?”

“Yes. Pack. I will have a car come and pick you up. You are to go home and wait for me there. I’ll be in touch as soon as I know more.” That was not exactly a lie, just not the whole truth. Of course she was not going to let it go that easily I knew this but there is no harm in trying is there?

“Urs, we’ve been waiting for this vacation together for weeks, months even. You forget, I work just like you and it’s my time to relax too. I don’t want to go home; I want to go with you.”

She said that so appealingly until I am tempted. When I’m not with the boys she and I could go out to see the sights of New York without having to cut it short to perform. We could sleep in together in the mornings, make love, go to lunch; just enjoy ourselves.

With a bit of effort I bring myself back to reality. Who am I fooling? It would not be that way at all. Karin would put herself in competition with what are their names? Johannes and Falk, yes that’s it. She’d put herself in competition with them and she’d try to lure me away. And – if Liesel was in evidence, Karin would be cutthroat. Not that I was worried about Liesel being unsettled by Karin, Liesel could hold her own, but she doesn’t need the aggravation of Karin. And neither do I for that matter. Not even for the regular sex.

“I’ll miss you baby but this is business. Something that I have to see to and I won’t have time to spend with you. Now be sweet. Let’s go up and go back to bed hmmm? I’ll be back next week. That’s not long at all is it?”

We had kissed and eventually made love. That was one thing I loved about Karin. She never said no. Some of my other girlfriends had to be cajoled and I remember one who had to have a gift; and that was at a time when I hadn’t the money that I have now. The girl almost broke me.
**
Liesel and I were off in a hired car before daybreak the next morning. Thankfully Karin hates to get up in the mornings so she slept in, knowing that she would be taken to our flat later that day. I asked her to explain to the fellows that a business matter had come up and I’d see all of them in Sweden next week.

Once we are settled on the plane both Liesel and I doze off for a couple of hours and only wake up when the hostess brings us breakfast. I want to know more about the Mrs. Lisa Newman thing so I started a conversation that was filled with subtle and not so subtle questions.

“Are you married Liesel? Mrs. Chiffe said that you are Mrs. Newman. Lisa Newman.”

“She’s Mrs. Ward Urs. I hope you didn’t call her Chiffe, where did you get that name from anyway?”


I ignore that. Too much talk about nothing. “Tell me about Newman please.” Was all I said to her.

“Oh very well grouch. Clarence Newman and I were married for a number of years, he died last year. He had a heart attack.”

“He had a heart attack! He was a young man?”

“No, he was thirty years older than I.” Liesel said this so quietly that I thought I had misunderstood especially since we were competing with the airplane’s roar.

“Thirty years older did you say? How did that come to be? I can’t imagine that; you are so full of life. How did you fall in love with an old man?”

I thought the look that she gave me was one of exasperation; perhaps I do have the arrogance of a young man. Maybe the phenomenon of loving an old man was something that women understood better than men. I myself couldn’t imagine falling in love with a woman who is almost seventy. That would be sacrilegious. Almost like having improper feeling about ones mother.

“I don’t know how to answer that Urs. It came about like this.”

And she told me of meeting him while she cleaned his flat. How she stayed with his wife for the last year of the wife’s life. How kind he was to my children.

I came to my own understanding that although she’d never admit it, perhaps didn’t even know it herself; she had not been in love with this man. She is describing the way I feel about perhaps one of my great aunts, a certain fondness, and a good deal of gratitude and of whom I’ll have fond memories when she passes on.

The thing that was missing was passion, the great glue that keeps a woman with a man; and a man with a woman even a woman as difficult as my Karin. If he had a first wife that died my guess is that his first wife had been Newman’s fire and it had gone out with her death.

Now Liesel (I’m having hard time calling her Lisa) Now Lisa is more than attractive, she’s quite lovely and sexy as hell. My guess is that this man, this old man, wanted her to show the world that he still had what it takes to attract a young and vibrant woman. She had been the proverbial trophy wife. That didn’t have to be all of a bad thing. She had needed him too. So together they had struck a bargain that was probably never voiced.

“Were you good together, in bed I mean?” I threw that out never thinking that she might answer me but just to see how she’d react. Liesel didn’t let me down. I first watched her cheeks pink a bit and then she said,

“We were a lot better than you and I were you know.”


I smiled at her and then I couldn’t contain my laugh. It was clear that she had no idea what I found so funny in that statement. I decided to tell her.

“I should hope that you and your husband would be better Liesel. You and I were just a couple of kids, fooling around. It was your first time and I thought only of how to best please myself in spite of being with an inexperienced partner. Quite selfish of me but then that’s how boys are. I would hope that your husband with years of experience behind him could do better than a boy. Could he?”

CHAPTER 14

(I’m Very Pleased to Meet You)

“If you think that I am going to tell you about my private life with my husband you are crazy Urs Buhler. Have you turned into a pervert of some kind? You never used to ask me these kinds of questions.”

“Asking you that kind of question would have been like asking a kindergartner about trigonometry; could you have answered me?”

“Even if I could have answered, I would not have. Now behave yourself.”

I am behaving myself just as I always did. Liesel has allowed herself to get a little excited and I watch her fine breasts rise and fall. I wonder idly what she’s have to say if I behave as I would love to and bent a bit and just nipped her slightly, right on the tip. I don’t think women realize how much we men have to restrain our actions, if not our thoughts, when we are around them.

“So, tell me about the boys schooling. You say that they are attending different schools?”

I decide to take her advice and change the subject. There is no need to make myself uncomfortable for the rest of the flight or the week that I’ll be with her for that matter when there was no hope of acting on any of these impulses. It wouldn’t be fair to Karin and I know that Liesel would probably have a fit if I came on to her.

“Johannes is studying robotics; he’s at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Falk started off wanting to be a pharmacist but has since transferred to the New York Center for Performing Arts. He wants to be a singer. I wonder why?”

“Does he have a voice?”

“I think that all Buhler’s must. Johannes can sing too but he just doesn’t want to make a living at it. At Christmas we all just have a ball. Aunt Trudy loves it when we form a group and sing.”

“Aunt Trudy? Who is she?" I am learning more and more about Liesel’s interesting life in America.

“Aunt Trudy adopted me. She’s my grandmother’s younger sister. She’s very close to seventy now but she was a vigorous fifty something when I arrived. She adopted me because it was the easiest way for me to get citizenship and to insure that the boys would be citizen’s too."

“So they don’t have Swiss citizenship then?” I realized that I have been thinking ahead about the possibility of taking my sons home with me to spend a week or so with my parents and some of my other relatives. Since their father is still Swiss, it should be no problem, but I should act, before they reach twenty-one. That reminds me I’d better ask Liesel, “Do they speak Swiss-German?”

“Yes. Of course they do. I taught them just as we learned. Swiss first, English second, then German and they learned French too. You will be proud of them. They have no accent in any of their languages. Johannes is looking forward to meeting you.”

“What about Falk?” Falk is the gay one. He could be thinking that I will condemn him or think he’s not manly enough.

“Falk, I don’t know about him. You see, he didn’t come home to Switzerland with us; he had some kind of test to complete. So I left it up to Johannes to tell him about the Buhler’s that he met and about you. Johannes and Falk never knew that I even knew who their father was. They might have thought that I pulled the name ‘Buhler’ out of the blue and tacked it onto them. I think Johannes is quite proud of his relatives, that they are good solid salt-of-the-earth kinds of people and that he has cousins and an uncle. I am hoping that Falk will feel the same way.”

She continued, “On mother’s day, Falk gave me your CD and played ‘Mama” for me, he doesn’t know Il Divo from Frank Sinatra. I am quite sure that one of his friends told him about the recording. Anyway, he remarked how much one of the singers, Urs, looked like Johannes. You should have seen me snatch the CD out of his hands to take a look. There you were, still the same, not changed too much. Shorter hair, you were wearing a suit but you were basically still my friend Urs.”

“You haven’t changed much either. You are better looking. Had you not worn that disguise, I would have known you in a heartbeat. You’re curvier you know.” I gave her my most wolfish grin and she smiled.

“Keep your eyes to yourself Urs Buhler.”

“For sure I will – If you will.” I remembered something that I had intended to ask but had gotten sidetracked. “How do you afford to have two sons in college at the same time?”

She gave me her one-up-on-you grin from old. “They both have scholarships of course but my ‘old’ husband left me enough to make it comfortably. The wig and the glasses weren’t my only disguise; my job too was a disguise. I used to work as a maid but I haven’t had to for a long, long time.”

That was good to hear. I don’t like to think of my Liesel being subservient to folk like me who are no better than she.

I notice that the flight is coming along nicely. The monitor situated under the racks and at each seat is showing that the miles are dwindling quite rapidly now. We would be landing in NYC in about two hours.

We fall silent by mutual consent and drift off to sleep. We are awake before we land, in time to wipe our faces with warm damp towels and we got off feeling not too much worse for the wear.

She told me that New York was about 200 miles from Boston where Johannes was located and that we’d better rest tonight and fly there on Jet Blue in the morning.


“It’s all been arranged, Johannes knows we are coming. Today, we will meet Falk for a short while and you’ll get to see more of him later in the week as his schedule allows.”

“I am in your hands Liesel - ah Lisa. Did you arrange for a hotel for me or shall I ... is there one near where you live?”

I think it best to offer. Who knows what her living arrangements are and if she has room, doubtful because I know that New York has a very high dollar per square foot ratio. Besides, even if she has the room, she might not be comfortable with me under her roof for the night.

“Nonsense Urs, we will stay together at my home. It’s out a bit but it’s more comfortable not to be in the middle of the hustle of the city. We’ll head for home and Falk will be arriving there shortly after.” She looked at her watch to verify that we were indeed on time.

A limo was waiting for us and I am quite surprised. I look at Lisa with what I know is a question on my face and she just smiles her Mona Lisa smile. A forty minute ride later we pull into the rounded driveway of a palatial mansion behind which I see water that can only be the Hudson River.

I could have mentioned to her that I had to revise my assessment of her. I could have remarked that I now understood better why a man thirty years older could draw a young woman but I said none of these things. She was still fiery Liesel and I want a pleasant atmosphere to surround us when Falk, my ‘sensitive’ son arrives.

As the time grows near for his arrival, I admit to myself that I am on pins and needles. Some gay people can be quite easily hurt and some straight people can be horribly insensitive. I hope that I say nothing inadvertently that will cause us to get off to a bad start.

The roar of the motorbike disturbing the quiet of this upscale neighborhood catches my attention. I’d bet my mother’s pearls it is a Harley. He pulls up to the curb, ignores the crushed stone driveway, dismounts, and with helmet under his arm strides the long walk from the street towards his mother’s front door.

As I watch him I can’t help but smile. He is dressed in jeans and a leather jacket, which I instantly assess as adequate for short trips on a bike. I hope that he knows to wear leathers for longer rides, especially in case of bad weather.

I have seen myself in enough film to know my walk when I see it and I recognize it in him. He is my son! I continued to watch while he clears his throat and tucks his longish dark hair behind one ear. I motion to Lisa to allow me to answer the door. But the kid has a key. Just as I move to open it, he lets himself in, almost colliding with me. He is a bit taller than I and more slender but with the same basic physique. I find that I don’t have to know him to love him. The feeling is amazing.

He stands there and takes a good look at me. I wonder if I pass muster. He then looks quickly at his mother, she is at my back; perhaps she nodded or gave some other sign.

“Hello, I’m Falk Buhler.” He speaks to me flawlessly in my own native language. Mein Gott! It is like hearing myself speak. I listen while the kid continues “I hope that you’re not coming here trying to tell me what to do, how to live my life because frankly, you’re not old enough to be my father.”

“Falk!” Liesel attempts to intervene but this is between the two of us. We have to work this out. I give her the signal to cool it.

He has a bit of a temper too. Good! No matter his sexual preference, one never wants a son to be a prissy ‘girly man’ as one politician had said to his regret.

So I answered him from my own point of view. “Of course I won’t. I only came to meet you; and your brother too of course. But don’t worry, I have no intention of trying to change your ah preferences my son. I am prepared to accept whomever you choose to love. But, in other matters, if I can be of help ... you know, to offer advice. If you ask I want you to know that I will be here for you.”

Falk looks at me, his eyes slanting down a bit. For me it is a little disconcerting to have him do that but I am still the elder and having more experience in life, my will is much stronger.

He looks away only to look back and do an ingrained thing that I’ve done so long it has become a habit. It starts with a smile and explodes into a burst of laughter. I grin when I recognize it as being inherited from me. I realize that I could watch this kid all day and not grow tired of looking at him. I look back at Liesel and she shrugs, indicating that she doesn’t know what Falk finds so funny and then he tells us. His laughter stopping as suddenly as it had started.

“You think I’m gay don’t you? Mom, what did you tell him?”

“Oh Falk, I’m sure he doesn’t think that do you Urs?”

“Well Liesel you did tell me that Falk was the ‘sensitive’ one of the two.

“Oh mom is always talking about how sensitive I am, just because I like music. I bought her this CD for Mother’ day called ‘Mama’ and she’s been crying over it since then. Saying it’s so pretty, ‘she’ is the sensitive one around here.

Liesel leaves Falk and me to get better acquainted; saying that she is going to the kitchen to make us a snack. She ends up ordering out because she had cleaned out the frig thinking she’d be away for the rest of the week.

Meanwhile I watch Falk as much as I listen to him. I instinctively know that now is not the time to do a lot of talking. I am surprised that he has no idea what I do for a living. Isn’t he the one who said that Johannes resembles the Urs on the album cover? I suppose the connection has not been made for him yet.

Right before we break off to eat some really good soup and sandwiches, I tell him that I have done many jobs. Many of them physical; construction, I’ve repaired motor bikes, (he perks up at that) so I tell him about the many bikes that I have owned and ridden since before I was his age.

Needless to say my son is surprised to see how much he has inherited from me even though I have not been in his life.

“So what are you doing now? Are you still in construction?”

Again, I am surprised that Liesel hasn’t mentioned it but I suppose there had been no need. “No son, up until about three years ago I sang Opera in the Netherlands. Now, you know that record that you bought for your mother? That’s our record. I sing with three other guys. We are Il Divo.”

“Dude, you have got to be kidding!” is all that Falk said.

Chapter 15

(Papa and Dad)

Telling him that I am a singer, just as he, is all it took for Falk to open up to me. Later after lunch and before he had to return to class he said to me.

“Dad I was thinking that you were looking down on me, here you’ve worked construction and you’re all buff and everything. And here I am just a skinny singer. It’s ok if I call you dad isn’t it?

“Of course it’s ok.” I told him truthfully. After all that is what I am now. Goodbye and good riddance to the carefree playboy image. I won’t miss it at all.

“Well son, I hate to break it to you but you’re not that skinny. Now do you want to sing something for me?”

Falk isn’t at all shy I am glad to see and he sings a bit of a song a cappella for me. His voice is tenor like mine which means that he sings comfortably at the range of one octave below middle C to one octave above middle C. I personally think he will be a spinto tenor, one that is classified as bright and light like mine but if he decides to go with Opera, he’ll do some wonderful dramatic endings. Both Mario Lanza and Enrico Caruso had been spinto tenors with full vocal weight. I envision Falk singing the role of Radames in Aieda, or Don Jose in Carmen.

My bubble burst when he turns on his docked MP3 player and out blasted a tune by ‘Rihanna’. Not bad. It could have been ‘Fity-Cent’.

When it is time for Falk to go we hug and slap each other on the back the way that men do. Liesel tells him that we are going to Boston tomorrow and that Johannes thought he’d be able to come back with us for a day or so. “We want you to come over and bring Luci with you.”

He was off with a roar and I just looked at Liesel. “You have done extremely well. Thank you for fighting to keep them,” was all that I could say.

Liesel gives me a tour of the house. She asks me if I prefer a bedroom near the back of the house with a view of the river, or one on the side with a view of the trees. I ask her if I need a bedroom near a door so I can make a quick exit if her male friend doesn’t want me here. I said it in a joking manner but one can never be too careful about these things. Not every man will welcome an old boyfriend in to his now girlfriend’s home.

“Don’t worry Urs. My work keeps me busy. I handle a good deal of my husband’s business. I’ve learned a lot believe me.

She shows me her office, a large spacious sunny room. I could picture her in here working away. Working at what specific task I couldn’t say.

“This room is for Aunt Trudy when she comes to visit. She’s married to Pope, and he stutters quite a bit but he is very sweet. He made cradles for the boys when they were first born. Back here’s the gym so you can work out while you’re here if you like and the indoor pool is next door.

She shows me the spacious gardens outside, and the fire pit. It had been used and chairs were gathered around in a comfortable arrangement. “It’s very refreshing to come out here on a chilly night and watch the stars all the while the fire keeps us warm.” There is evidence that they have been roasting marshmallows too. “The boys still join me out here. Now they bring their girlfriends too.”

She takes me back into the house; she does not show me her side, where I presumed more bedrooms were to be found including the one in which she slept. She tells me to make myself at home and leaves me to my own devices.

Once alone I think about calling Karin but instead get my laptop out of my bag and leave her a quick email. I find that Karin seems another world away.

I am so glad that I met Falk and that we hit it off I decide to lie on the bed and just enjoy the feeling.

Hours later Liesel wakes me to come in to dinner. She has prepared a prime rib of beef with tiny potatoes and carrots. Green beans and a salad and tiny bread rolls that she called hush puppies. After dinner we watch TV for a while but we both are tired from flying all day so we turn in early. I am excited that we are going up to see Johannes and hope that he’ll be able to come back with us.
**

We find Johannes at the coffee shop on campus. He recognizes me before I even see him. I hear his steps and then “Moms and Pops. You guys look good together.”

Liesel and I stop and turn and there is another replica. This one doesn’t have his mother’s blue eyes he has my eye color and the shape of them is all from me.

We shake hands, the manly thing to do and then we go into the noisy coffee shop Johannes waving to people that he knows, Liesel walking along after him while he found us a booth in a corner where it was relatively quiet.

“We could have waited for you to come down but Urs wanted to see your school. He has been to Falk’s school on a tour.” Liesel raised her voice to be heard over the crowd.

“Falk; well Urs, he told me that you thought he was gay.”

When Johannes calls me ‘Urs’ I frown at him. That wouldn’t do at all. I suppose that he sees my displeasure for he shrugged his shoulders and said “Pops”? I smiled and nodded. That would do.

“You look so young to be my father. I didn’t think you would want a couple of grown men walking around calling you dad or anything like that.”

“Your mother looks young too doesn’t’ she? What do you call her?

Evidently he looked at his mother with new eyes because he said in a bit of awe, "Yeah, she is young isn’t she. But I don’t think about that. She’s just moms. You guys want some coffee, a cold drink or something?”

“I’ll have diet coke” Liesel said and to keep it simple I said that I’d have the same.

While he went to the counter I looked at Liesel. “They have different personalities don’t they? I think Falk’s is more like mine and Johannes is more like you perhaps, what do you think?”

“Johannes talks more if that is any clue. But I don’t know. Wait until you get to know them better; that is if you plan to see them again …”

“They won’t be able to keep me away. It’s too bad that I’m tied to the UK and they are here in the US.”

“They have time in the summer that is if they don’t work all summer. If you want them there we can look at working the schedules so that they have a few days off to visit you.”

“Perhaps they could work as stage hands or something until the tour ends. It is scheduled to go on until late in July. That would give them almost two months to be with me every day.”

I could see Liesel’s mind working. I knew what she was thinking; that her precious babies might be exposed to a profligate lifestyle.

“Look.” I said anticipating her objections. “They are on their own at the universities. Do you think someone babysits them and keeps them with blinders on?”

“I don’t worry about that so much. I know that they have to grow up but I don’t want them to see you, their father indulging in drugs or drinking too much or with too many women. I have always tried to be an example for them and I’m afraid if they see you, they might think that it is all right for them to do the same things.”

“Do you think that I would do anything, anything to put those young men off the track that they’re on? If you do, you don’t know me well at all.”

Liesel looks at me for a long time. “You are right. I don’t know any man well at all. I had no father, my grandfather was old. My husband was away a lot and he too was rather elderly. So, I don’t know what men would do or what they wouldn’t do.”

Johannes came back with the drinks so we had to postpone this conversation until later.

After that we just sat and chatted a bit, we couldn’t discuss anything of importance due to the noise bringing about the need to shout. I learned one thing that afternoon. I hate diet coke!

CHAPTER 16

(Family Life)

The week was flying by it; seemed as though I had only been in New York for a couple of days. We had arrived on Tuesday in the afternoon, UK being ahead of the states by several hours. We spent the rest of Tuesday with Falk. Wednesday we were with Johannes, he did return home with us. We waited around until he had his last class and all flew home together.

That evening Falk joined us and the four of us went out to dinner together. I was amazed at the foolishness that two young men can carry on with each other. Were Franz and I like this? If I didn’t sugar coat our younger years, I knew that we had been. He always teased me saying that mami and papa had adopted me. And I shot back that they had tried to turn him back in when he was born he was so ugly. Just stuff that boys do. Liesel and I let them carry on, as long as they didn’t start a food fight. They are just reminding me of how young they really are.

They spend the night at home with us and it is nice. I like having them under the same roof with me. I can picture down through the years after they’re married them coming home for Christmas spending it with me and their mama, grandchildren running around opening presents. It is an idyllic daydream but one that appeals to me.

The next night, Thursday, they came with their current girlfriends. I said current because I know how many times a young man will change girls before he settles down.

Now if the boys had been girls, it would have been completely different on my part. I would have scrutinized the fellow who took them out, trying to see if some permanence was on his mind rather than just a ‘use them and loose them’ attitude. As it was, I had to admit that both young men had good tastes. Karen, yes, my son has a Karen too, that lives in New York and I can’t help but suspect that Johannes sees her only when he is down this way. He most likely has another girl up at school.

Falk’s Luci is pretty with dark hair and a nice figure even though she can only be his age, around 18 or so. I find that I don’t want to pay too much attention to their girls. No winky blinks, few smiles, they must think me stern and dour but nothing can kill a budding relationship between two males as quick as if one thinks the other is interested in his woman.

My sons don’t know me well enough to realize that I would and will never, ever have any kind of relationship with their girls or wives other than that of father-in-law.

Just the thought of the future has put new life in my step. Not that my life is bad, mind you, it’s just been years of the same old thing. Find a woman, get to know her, sleep with her, move in with her and in the end it fizzles and we’re left being friends if we’re lucky; past acquaintances if she tries to hold on after it’s over.

We play cards. Bid whist all night. We have fun because with three sets of partners one is always in jeopardy of getting up and allowing someone else to sit and play. After a few mishaps Liesel and I do pretty good and I’m not a person who plays whist very often. Late in the evening we play a little poker which is much more my speed. The only question in my mind is do I play with my sons for money? I take my cue from Liesel. She has an old jar that looks as if she brought it over from Switzerland. In it she keeps her poker money. Change only. We play with just enough money to keep it interesting.

After the boys leave to take the young ladies home, Liesel and I pick up where we had left off in the student union building. I start the conversation by saying “So Liesel, I want you to know that I don’t do anything like drugs, none, and I never have. Do you remember when you told me back when we were home that you had used Marijuana and I think I cautioned you against it? I never have. Life is just too beautiful to go around high. It’s the same with me and alcohol. I might have a drink or two but not much, and it certainly is nothing that I will allow the boys to do before they are twenty-one. I will try to keep them from it after that but you know how it is when they think they’re adults.”

“That’s two out of three; drugs, alcohol, what about women?”

“Oh I definitely like women. Is that your question?”

I thought she was going to go into some tripe about being true to one woman and such but she surprised me.

“And what specifically do you like about women, the way they look, sound, feel, smell or taste if you had to choose one sense to forgo, which one would it be?”

“I think I would give up the sound of a woman’s voice.”

“Oh I don’t mean the sound of her voice; but your hearing of her voice and every other sense of a woman that you receive through your ears.”

I think for a moment, considering of course sounds that we might make in bed. I think Liesel knew what I was thinking because she had this funny little sensual smile on her face. Is she flirting with me?

“Are we speaking of when I am making love with a woman or just when we are out to dinner or even riding on my motorbike?”

“You’re in a bed, you are comfortable and you are trying to decide which of your five senses you need least to enjoy your woman.”

I like this Liesel. But then I remember she was always like this. This is why she and I were friends, why she tried to choose my girlfriends for me. She liked to engage me in conversation that other girls wouldn’t care to do because the attention had to be on them and not me.

“Which one would you forgo next, after the hearing of her is gone?”

“You tell me; from a woman’s point of view which should I choose?”

“Oh no you don’t, you don’t get away by turning it back on me. Choose!”

“I suppose sight, since we are in bed, comfortable. I don’t really have to see, not much that is. What’s left?”

“Feel, smell and taste.”

I wonder when the guys will return. I haven’t known them long enough to tell whether this trip called ‘taking the girls home’ is just that, or if it involved more such as spending time doing exactly what I am beginning to want to do with this woman.

I think that because they are in their mother’s car and there are two of them it probably will not be convenient to do more than drop each girl off, perhaps share a kiss or two, return to the car and return home so I had better cut this game short before my thoughts become evident.

She might not feel the tension but the guys will for sure and if I know men at all, they will not be pleased at the thought of their mother engaging in a little tickle and slap. Besides, who is to say that she wants me that way? I think she might be persuaded, after all we are old friends and we have cared a great deal for each other. But is that fair to her? No. It is not.

There’s more at stake here than gratification. If I mistreat their mother, I am sure to lose them. The relationship with them is brand new, tenuous and I am sure that they are quite loyal to Liesel.

But, she is so appealing. Can’t I at least throw out a feeler or two to see if she is interested?

‘No, you can’t. What about Karin’? This is just what I need. My higher self has not gotten itself involved in my thoughts.

What about her?

‘You know that it is not your way to just drop a woman for no good reason. Karin has done nothing to deserve this. She’s been loyal, a bit bossy but you knew that before today and still you’ve kept going with her. You are making it impossible for yourself. If you and Liesel get it on, even for one night and then you go back with Karin, your goose will be cooked with this family. So leave Liesel alone! ‘

Yes. You are absolutely correct.

“We’d better end this little game Liesel. Won’t Falk and Johannes be coming home soon?
I think that Liesel looks a bit disappointed but I could be wrong. She will never be a woman who falls apart because she can’t have her way. Like Karin.

And speaking of Karin, I wonder what would an evening spent with her in the presence of Johannes and Falk be like? How will she treat them? How will they feel about her? What if we are all together the five of us, Johannes, Falk, Liesel, Karen and I, would that be a comfortable gathering or will Karen’s presence spoil it?

If the guys agree to come on tour and work for a couple of months, I will see how well they can adjust to Karin. If the four of us can make it work, then when Liesel is brought into the picture, it will be easier perhaps, less like mixing oil and water. Or it could be worse, maybe more like putting petrol onto the fire. Both of those ladies can be intense.

Sure enough I soon heard the car on the circular drive. I suppose they’d leave it out since we have to take Johannes to the airport early the next morning for one more day of class before the weekend.

We have decided that we’d go out riding Saturday just the three of us guys; Falk, Johannes and I, on our motorbikes. I had already arranged to rent mine and the boys have their own. Johannes’ gets less use since he is out of town so he has asked me if I would look at it on Friday, tomorrow, to make sure it is running smoothly.

I am pleased with this new connection to them. Liesel has promised to pack us each a small lunch and a few goodies too.


We won’t go far, just west for a couple of hours, stop and eat and perhaps talk and then head home.

We called it an early night, well as early as we could for it was already after midnight. We knew that we all had to rise and shine early the next morning.

YEAH IT IS HERE!!!!!!!!

I love this story it is one of my favorites. I like Urs in most of this story and Liesel she is outstanding..
The love they end up sharing is beautiful and real.. More soon Yvette..


Laura

CHAPTER 17

(A Bike Trip )

Next day, our plans all go according to Hoyle. We see Johannes off for the less than an hour flight up to Boston. We cringed when Falk rode his motor bike off with a roar; much too early in the morning for the neighbors I am sure. This leaves just me and the mom to fill up the whole day and evening probably the first time we had been really alone together since we arrived from the UK.

When we get home from the airport after seeing Johannes off, Liesel goes into the kitchen to clean up the breakfast items and put the milk and juices away because we had made quite a hasty exit.

I head to the storage shed out back to check out Johannes bike. I ended up servicing it, changing the oil, lubing it too.

Two hours later I come into the house glad that I have my own bathroom and could take a long leisurely shower. When I finish I throw on a pair of clean jeans and a t-shirt and set out to find Liesel to see if she wants to do anything before I go into the gym to work out.

She is just putting the finishing touches on tomorrow’s lunch that the boys and I will take with us on our motorbike ride. She packs them nice and tight and places them in the refrigerator so that we can just grab them on our way out.

“I definitely do not plan to wave you guys off Urs. Oh and here are plastic containers of water and one of lemonade.”

“Thanks Liesel, just no diet coke for me please.” We had laughed about my repugnance for that stuff.

“You don’t have on any shoes and socks Urs; I don’t think I’ve ever seen your feet before.”
“Well I’ve seen yours. You’re always kicking off your shoes right after you come inside. I figure that the carpet must be pretty safe, no pins or things like that, you never seem to hurt yourself.”

“I still have your socks you know.”

I knew exactly to what socks she referred. “What did you do wash them and put them in the back of a drawer?”

“That’s exactly what I did. Do you want them back?”

I didn’t know what Liesel was asking me; certainly it was more to this conversation than just a pair of almost twenty year old socks. I figured I’d better discover what she was talking about before I answer. I’ll leave my options on the table for now.

“Nah, not yet,” I tell her, “perhaps someday though.”

I must have said the right thing because she smiled and said “Don’t wait too long.”

I don’t know why but my heart did an extra thump when I heard her words. Was I possible for Liesel and me to have a life together after all these years?

First and foremost I’d have to marry her. The boys would accept nothing less if their mother was involved.

Strangely the thought of being a married man doesn’t frighten me anymore. We could be a family; oh we’d probably never have the boys under our roof anymore. It is too late for that but they’d be in our lives. We are still young. Perhaps Liesel would like a little girl before we get too old. That would be rich. We’d have children and grandchildren who were friends, possibly of the same ages.

We could visit home together. Mami would love to have us all under her roof for a few days. Perhaps we could even buy a home there. But Liesel is quite independent now days. Why would she want to tie herself to a wandering singer? The traveling, being away for long periods of time. That’s why the relationship that I was in before Karin didn’t last.
***

Well, Liesel and I we made a day of it. We did nothing special. There was a small shopping center; I think it is called a strip mall but not your regular junk din. They even have a large building called the Antique Trove and in there are some really nice pieces such as a bright red glass punch bowl from the 1800’s that Liesel loves so she bought it. It comes with the usual twelve cups and a ladle.

I ask her when she’ll ever use such a thing but she shrugged saying one never knew. There are also pieces that are strictly utilitarian, old milk churns, a cabinet stove from the 1930’s that Liesel swears must have once belonged to her Aunt Trudy.

Half kiddingly I ask her if she wanted to buy it too and she stood before it for a long time. Alarmed I notice that her shoulders are shaking. At first I think it is from laugher but no, she’s not laughing, she has tears in her eyes.

That ended all thought of shopping. I place the large bowl under one arm and take Liesel with my other one and although she had driven over, I had no problem getting her home, still sobbing the whole way.

It was a short drive, no more than 5 minutes or so and once in the house she would have headed to her room, probably embarrassed to be seen crying, but I stop her. “What is it baby, what’s wrong?” It is probably the endearment of baby that does it. The flood gates open and she comes into my arms as if she has been born to do just that.

Since she hasn’t yet told me what the tears are for I can only comfort her by rubbing her back making shushing noises which when I think about it is probably better than some mindless assurances that everything would be all right.

As it turns out, she probably needed to have that cry. Before she stopped she got it out in great gulps and in a watery voice just how scared she had been for years, the poverty, the struggle of going to school, working and taking care of two babies, Aunt Trudy’s help and how grateful she was to her, but most of all the loneliness. How she had missed home, all of her friends that she had had for life, how much she has missed me.

I tell you I feel humbled. She had been going through all of this while I whiled away my nights and many of my days too, on foolishness. I came to the conclusion that I owed Liesel something. Her life up until now had been pretty bleak. Oh she has had the boys, she had even had a husband but now she is alone. Her sons are almost out of the door. Her husband is dead and her dear Aunt Trudy is getting quite elderly from Liesel’s own description of her.

But I know from experience that life is about more than responsibility and duty. It is about loving and laughing and just having fun. This is what I can give to her.

In that moment I decided irrevocably that I would come back to this woman after I had explained to Karin that I could no longer be with her, and whether Liesel wanted it or not, I would make her fall in love with me and somehow, some way we would have a life together.
**

Early Saturday morning the boys and I start out on our road trip.
My day with the boys is a bit anticlimactic for me. I am still excited about getting to know them and seeking out ways that we could bring our busy lives together but I know we will be in each other’s lives. They are of my own blood and now that we had found each other, there would be no real separation any more than I could separate from my mother and father and the rest of them back home.

Liesel is another story. Although I can’t mention this to my sons, I am excited about winning her over. This is what occupies my mind as we ride along all three of us going at top speed. She has become my focus and as we hit the open road I barely noticed the springtime changes and the glorious budding of the trees for I am planning, thinking about how we can be together and whether or not she would even want to marry me.


I know in some cases widows are resolved never to marry. Financially it was too much loss. She could live very comfortably as my wife but would she risk what she had in order to do so? Money brings some people a sense of power. I can imagine that for Liesel, after having been so poor during those first years in the states that she liked having her own resources and wouldn’t want to give them up to share mine.

Still, I can’t ask her about her financial situation too soon or she might think that her wealth is a part of why I am interested in her. Quite frankly, I’d rather that she came to me poor, that way; I could feel good about rescuing her. I hear myself chuckle at that thought.

Fortunately I am able to just turn it all off and enjoy the motorbike ride. We have planned out our trip carefully and timed it to the T. (the boys aren’t Swiss but they do have those tendencies. How could they help it? Both their mami and papa are Swiss. )

Falk signals that we were nearing the turnoff from the main highway; we then wind our way up a small hill that gives us a beautiful view of the river. We park our bikes, stretch our legs and after rinsing our hands in some of the cold water that Liesel has provided, we proceed to unpack our lunches and eat.

Little did I know that the boys had something else in mind, in addition to scarfing down food.

CHAPTER 18

(Who’s your Girlfriend?)

Liesel has outdone herself preparing lunch for us. There were roast beef sandwiches made with thick slices of left over beef flavored lightly with horseradish and using rough bread that reminds me of the kind that my mami used to make. She had included a variety of cheeses; a vegetable compote in plastic cups, grapes, and small bit of sweet solid dark chocolate for dessert. We ate ravenously and washed it down with water and lemonade.

We were just about halfway through the meal, starting to slow down and savor it when Johannes started with the questions.

“So pops, do you have a girlfriend?”

I stopped chewing for a moment. It was not that the question was bizarre or anything like that, I was just not used to answering questions about my personal life. I don’t know why I am like that only that I always have been.

But I suppose if I am going to have a relationship with these guys, I had better learn to be a bit more open about my life. After all, perhaps they had a right to know a little more about me. It could not always be just a one way street running towards me.

“I do.” I’m afraid that I answered a bit cautiously, perceiving that this would not be the end of it.

“What’s she like?”

I think that the question that he really wants to ask is ‘will we like her and will she like us? The answer to both those questions is a resounding NO! However I made sure that nothing in my voice gave these thoughts away.

“Karin. What is she like?” I pretended to ponder trying to find some quality that in her that I would want to reveal to these young men.

I definitely do not believe that parents should be friends with their offspring, at least not unrestrainedly buddy types. I think we should be friendly towards them but I was not prepared to get down and dirty with them, and as long as I am their father, I never will. So that ruled out those things that I might have said to my brother or the Il Divo guys.

For instance, I could not say that she was always ready and available could I? Nor could I say she gives good head. Neither of those reasons was acceptable for me to say to two idealistic young men especially since I want them to think that I have a high mind. And I do.

Neither was ‘she’s pretty’ an adequate word because many women including their mother are prettier. There used to be an old joke that advised when there was nothing good to say about a person one could always say, ‘She’s kind to her mother’.

These guys were too young to know about that so I won’t say that either. They’d take me literally and ask why I said that.

I thought of an answer that would get me off the hook – I thought.

“Ask your mother son, she’s met her.”

Falk spoke quickly without thinking; his lack of caution informed me of something that I hadn’t known. “Mom didn’t like her.”

“How do you know that Falk did she say something? Has she told you about meeting Karin?”

“Oh Dad, you know how women are. Mom won’t like her because you like her.”

A smile crept into my voice. This was sounding better and better. “You think your mother is possessive of me? She never was before.”

“What do you mean by that?” Johannes asked as if it was his business we were talking about. One thing for sure, he is possessive of his mother.

“I meant nothing. Did she ever tell you our story?”

“You and mom have a story? I thought you were just going together back there in Switzerland and then it happened.”



I certainly knew what “it” was and was not about to delve into that with him. So I launched into telling them a few things about our relationship that I thought they should know.

“No, we were friends. We have been friends forever from Kindergarten on and even before that we were in nursery school at the same time. She took up for me when a bully dogged me for crying on the first day of school and then I had to beat the bully up because he pushed her.

"She and I had a wrestling match and I couldn’t pin your mom, she was one tough little girl.

"She used to pick out my girlfriends for me. She knew exactly which ones would be good for me and which ones wouldn’t.”

“Did you take her advice?” They both were smiling now.


“Of course I did. Every one that she advised me to stay away from, that was one that I picked up.”

“So how did it happen? How did we get here if you two were just friends?”

This is getting too close for my comfort but perhaps they need to know. “Your mom and I weren’t perfect at 16 and 17 and we aren’t now. It was her sixteenth birthday. We shot pool, we drank beer, and we made love. After that day I never got to speak to her alone. Oh I saw her at school every day but she started avoiding me. I now know that her mother was pressuring her to keep it all a secret so that she could come here, get an adoption, come home with a clean reputation, and perhaps get married. But she never came back.”

“So it was only the once?”

“Just the once.”
“Are you sorry?”

Unusual for me but I almost feel tears trying to come into my eyes. I looked at both of them.

“I am the happiest of men. I have been since your mom found me in London and told me the good news. She says that she had to tell me or my mami back in Switzerland, you met her Johannes; she would have called me and told me herself. Your Oma Frances has a grandma fetish. The more grandchildren she has the happier she is.

"I might as well tell you that I was quite angry with your mother for keeping you a secret for all of those years but it’s ok now, everything happens the way it is supposed to happen. And she sure did a yeoman’s job with you two.”

I realized that if they came to work with me in June and July, I needed to prepare them for Karin though so I brought the subject back around to her.

“When you meet Karin, I don’t expect that you will like her much either.

"You see, she and your mom didn’t hit it off even though Karin had no idea who Liesel is. So far, she hasn’t liked anyone who has any hold on me no matter how tenuous, and up until now, you are the first two to have a real hold.

"She pretends to like my parents. She tolerates my brother and his wife as long as he doesn’t ask me to go out without her. But I think you two will be a different kettle of fish for her. If she makes it a tug of war thing, she is sure to lose but she is a smart girl she might pretend to really like you. I will leave it up to you to tell me the truth of it whether she is really on your side or just pretending to be.”

“Why don’t you just drop her?”

That is an excellent question. Perhaps I can relate to these guys without saying anything inappropriate.

“Have either of you ever had girlfriends that your mother didn’t like but you did for some reason that you didn’t or couldn’t explain to your mother? And I don’t want to know your reasons either.” They both began to grin.

Johannes looks as if he wanted to say more but he swallowed it, not wanting to cross the line.

That was the end of all serious conversation for the day and for the visit. We finished eating, cleaned up our mess and just before we took off for home we stood and sang together. That was a very special moment, two tenors and a vox populi that had a very good voice. Johannes’ voice was like my dad’s on key, but too weak to hold and then project at the end. Other than that, we might have been the ‘Three Tenors’.

We arrived back home in good time. Falk and Johannes both had dates that evening so both took off about dusk after eating a hearty dinner. Johannes took off for Boston, Falk for his dorm. I knew that I wouldn’t see them again for a bit but I left with them my private number as well as my email address ( I received theirs) and told them not to hesitate if they needed anything and if their mother approved, they’d have it.

I didn’t mention them coming in June. Liesel could orchestrate that just in case they would prefer to do something different. I didn’t want them to be pressured into feeling they had to come.

This time we hugged closely as well as exchanging a few slaps on the back. Both of them kissed my cheek and they were off. They were sons to be proud of.

Fairly early the next day, Sunday, I would fly to Sweden. I could not help but think of how much my life had been enriched in just five days.
When Liesel and I closed the door that night after the boys left I felt bereft. I could imagine how she was feeling. But instead of drooping, she said that she was going in to shower.

Me, I wasn’t tired; I was still exhilarated and decided to listen to a bit of music.

CHAPTER 19

(Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained)

Good! I leave him in there listening to music while I retreat to my room to decide if I really want to go ahead with my hasty and probably ill drawn plan. But what other option do I have? I have seen Urs with Falk and Johannes, I know that they love having him in their lives and eighteen is nowhere near grown, not in this difficult and complex world.

They need him, I need him. And as I stand here like Narcissus, looking at my reflection in the mirror I can be completely honest with myself. Not only do I need him to help me see the boys through to full manhood, I want him. I love Urs Buhler.

I don’t care that he already has a girlfriend. He has not married her; he has not wanted her enough to do that. She will be hurt and I’m not proud to admit that I don’t give a flying fig because if I don’t divert him from the path that he has chosen to take and if I don’t do it tonight, if they marry it will be all over for my boys. The woman that I met on the path at Simon Cowell’s mansion would never allow a husband of hers to be in any children’s lives except the ones that they gave birth to together.

I understand her a little bit. She thinks she is doing fine with him because he lets her be in charge so much. Perhaps if I had not grown up with Urs and didn’t know him so well I too would think that he was being controlled, but he isn’t. That is just his way. He has the flaw of going along with the program as long as it’s not too onerous but then, after a woman thinks that she has him all wrapped up and tied, he bolts. He turns on her and exposes what he should have revealed in the very beginning and that is that he is quite selfish when it comes to his freedom.

Right now she is enough of a novelty to him that he is willing to be ‘managed’ for the time being. If wise, Karin would show her appreciation for their love by giving him more freedom than he asks for.

You want to go and visit your sons?

Yes my love, go right ahead.

You want to invite them here for the summer picnic? I think that is a lovely idea, in fact, I will call them – should I invite Liesel too? They might be more comfortable with her with them.

If Karin adopted that attitude and was sincere, there’d be no one on this earth who could snatch him away. Instead I can tell that she will carp and complain and come up with competing engagements, something that she just has to do or have from him at the exact same time that he would see Falk and Johannes.


Oh she will promise that as soon as whatever new thing that has come up is over they’ll get in touch but with her that time will never come because at her very core she is much too possessive to share any part of him with anyone in a real and meaningful way.

All the while I am showering; letting the hot water wash away my nervous energy I am thinking these thoughts.

I had already placed the blue lounging outfit on the bed. I chose it for a purpose. I couldn’t be too blatant and put on something quite obvious such as a bustier with thong undies, with high heels and thigh high nylons could I? I think with Urs I have to be more subtle than that.

In his mind I am firmly etched as the mother type, but even with that overlay I can tell that he is coming to desire me. Before I became ‘the mother’ I was ‘the friend’. Now there’s nothing wrong with either of those roles but in some cases whichever of them can be a hindrance.

He needs to see me as a potential lover too but if I come on too strong and say become ‘sexy mama’, that image might clash in his mind with other women he has known who have been too predatory. Of course by now he is probably no longer susceptible to that particular come on.

So I chose the blue lounging outfit, it covers everything; in fact it reminds me of one of those suits that the boys wore when they did Tae-Kwan-Do. You know the white suit with the belt? Well mine is belted too; tightly at the waist and instead of being cotton and rough, it is silky and soft, in a blue that exactly matches my eyes.

I apply lotion to my body before I dress and then as Aunt Trudy always does, I spray a light fragrance in the air and then walk through it. It is subtle but effective.

When I walk out of my room, I can hear the music playing. I knew that he’d find lots there to entertain him until I reappeared. There was an eclectic mix from rock to classical and much in between. I even had his old Conspiracy CD, which I am sure is a surprise for him to find it here.

In fact it is a tract from that very CD that is playing as I walk into the room.

I find him bending over the machine sifting through other music and he looks up when I entered. He does not change his position but he looks me over carefully then he pushed the eject button on the song that is playing and inserts an old Frank Sinatra song “I’m in the mood for Love.”

It was in the old style, a very romantic ballad from an album that I bought on a whim called ‘Music for Lovers’.

I'm in the mood for love simply because you're near me
Funny but when you're near me, I'm in the mood for love.
Heaven is in your eyes, bright as the stars we're under
Oh, is it any wonder, I'm in the mood for love?
Why stop to think of whether this little dream might fade,
We´ve put our hearts together - now we are one, I'm not afraid.
If there's a cloud above; if it should rain, we'll let it.
But for tonight forget it, I'm in the mood for love.


“Will you dance with me Liesel?”

With lovely music playing like that perhaps my work will be easier. He is coming on to me, but if I still know him and I think that I do, it will take more than a little romantic music to make him betray a girlfriend.

I go into his arms with a little more force than I had intended and we collide. So much for me achieving a graceful start to this thing. We begin dancing and I hold him to me, and he holds me to him and this goes on for quite a while until I place my mouth to his neck and nibble a bit. He pulls back and smiles and bends and touches his lips to my cheek. As the song draws to a close he steers me towards the sofa and murmurs “What do you want from me Liesel?”

Another romantic song began its serenade I don’t try to compete with it but allowed it to play through to its end. With my body cuddled closely in his arms, I listen and he waits with me.

If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show, the you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships, then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you, you're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
you come and pour yourself on me.

If a man could be two places at one time, I'd be with you,
tomorrow and today beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away

The silence was loud when the music ended.

“What do I want from you Urs? How honest do you want me to be? Can you stand to hear what I have to say? And what are you going to do if I ask for more than you can give?”

“Right now, I don’t think that you can ask for more than I am willing to give, but you must do the asking of it else it will slip away.”

I don’t know if the song affected him as it did me, I have my doubts but for some reason I could swear that he was looking at me with love, pure love in his eyes. That look gave me the courage to be completely honest with him.

“I had intended to try to seduce you tonight Schweiz but I have a feeling that you have had too much seduction in your life, if such a thing is possible. So I will tell you up front what I want.

“I want you to bring your family together. I want you to join together with your sons and me. If you do that, you will find that we will avoid much dissention, and chaos. We together will be there for each other and for them in what are the most difficult years of their lives.

"I have managed to handle everything to do with them up until now but the years between 18 and about 25 are very difficult for young men. I need you with me.

“If you already had another family it would be an entirely different situation, we would have to make do. If I were still married it would be impossible, but you and I have a unique opportunity at this time to give our sons the gift of having two parents who are acting in one accord and working together for their benefit.”

I stop talking, not wanting to go into overkill.

“If you are talking about marriage, you haven’t mentioned love Liesel. What about love?”

“Is love important to you Urs? Will you only stay with a woman as long as you feel the zing that folk often call love?

"If you want to know if I feel that thing that makes me want to pull you to me and kiss you senseless the answer is yes, I do feel that, but I want more. I want us to reach the place where we can look across a crowded room and understand each other perfectly, without words. I want to have the kind of love for you that will not falter; I want you to know that you can depend on me being there for you.

"Since this night started with a song, there’s one more over there that expresses just what I am having trouble saying.” And I got up to find and play a different tune, pleased with my new fragrance. I definitely liked it.

The mellow tones of Etta James filled the room.

I want a Sunday kind of love
A love to last past Saturday night
And I’d like to know it’s more than love at first sight
And I want a Sunday kind of love
I want a love that’s on the square
Can’t seem to find somebody
Someone to care
And I’m on a lonely road that leads to nowhere
I need a Sunday kind of love
My arms need Someone to enfold
To keep me warm when Mondays and Tuesdays grow cold
A Love for all my life to have and to hold
I want a Sunday kind of love

I look at him with love in my eyes. I have made my case, laid it on the line. It is up to him to respond.

CHAPTER 20

(A Win-Win Situation – Or Is It?)

The dying strains of the music end and the room is very quiet. I understand that Liesel just threw down the gauntlet to me and it is up to me to pick it up or not. I had hoped that she’d do just such thing. Because of her change in fortune, an overture couldn’t come from me; I never ever want her wealth to get in our way. I can’t bear for her to even think that I might want her because of that.

Now I am not so much a talker, at least not about how I feel. I am more a doer so I gather her closer to me, heart to heart and when our lips meet I feel as if I have finally come home.

“Liesel, will you be my wife?” I was in awe of her before. Now I am in love with her. “I know that we can be very good together.”

We then kiss for the first time in so long.

Had we ever kissed before? I don’t remember how it was before on that long ago foray into lovemaking for Liesel and me. Certainly it was an ill conceived thing that only young kids would do, to imagine that they could achieve any satisfaction outdoors on a hillside.

But whatever it had lacked in physicality, it had more than made up for spiritually. Oh not in a religious way but in a way that made me soar, as I have never soared since. I knew that if she had stayed I would have realized that I loved her.

Perhaps we would have married back then. Maybe it would have been too soon and we couldn’t have held it together, but maybe we would have.

I realize we are on the verge of getting carried away. I am having a hard time getting my breath and I can hear Liesel’s sighs. When she places her leg over my hip and presses me I know that this is not what I want, so I sit up. She looks pleasingly mussed. I run my finger down her cheek to her mouth.

“Let’s do it right this time Liesel. Let’s have the whole thing. The wedding, I want Falk and Johannes as my best men. I want eagerness for the wedding night; a bit of anticipation will be good for me I think. What do you think about that?”

“Aren’t you worried that - No I won’t say it that way; I will be honest. I am worried that you will find me lacking. Clarence was old and yes, we did make love but it was quite dull and I’d even say slow moving. It was nothing like some of the things that I’ve read about. And towards the end we weren’t engaging very often either.

"I suspect that ‘she’ is quite good in that way why else would you have stayed with her for any length of time? In other areas of my life I have managed to be quite confident. In that one area, I feel insecure, perhaps inadequate.”

“You felt secure enough to plan a seduction tonight, at least that’s what you told me.”

She laughed. “Yes. You’re right but seduction is one thing. Seduction is just a preliminary measure after which I counted on you to take over. I had hoped that after that, we would both know if we are compatible in that way.

“If it’s that important to you we can.” I tell her. “Certainly if you are feeling uncertain and insecure, perhaps you will feel less anxious but I tell you Liesel, making love without mishaps and awkwardness is a technical skill like learning to use a computer or playing a piano. It just takes practice, and lots of it.”

She considered this answer but rejected it. “Maybe so Urs, but I know for sure that some people are better at say piano playing than others. Some, no matter how much they practice never truly become proficient while others can play by ear.”

She thinks she has trumped me but I know what I say is true. “Well tell me this Liesel, when you were listening to the songs tonight, all old tunes that you love and have good memories about, were you being critical about them? Analyzing the music and finding it lacking in some way?

"No. I can answer that for you. You were in another state. You were in a state of contentment and joy at just listening to it. That is how we will be when we come together again.”

We talk for most of the night. She kept cautioning me that I would to too sleepy to make my flight the next morning but I told her that I am a big boy now and well used to keeping my commitments.

Without me even prompting her she decided that she would put most of the holdings that she inherited into the hands of a different financial advisement group; she is not pleased with the one that her late husband used in that they had grown quite passive about her business as companies will do when they do not have to work hard to keep it. She had then asked me what company we used and I told her of a firm in the UK but asked her only to use it if she made that decision, I did not want to influence her in any way. I am a stickler in that way. I do not want anyone to think that I am a parasite especially not where a woman is concerned.

She also decided that a few of her favorite investments, she would oversee herself. I am in favor of that as it will keep Liesel busy when I am away.

In three years, once the guys finish college we are going back home to Switzerland. We both love our beautiful little country and are so proud of it. We hope that our sons will make their homes there too.

We decided that a key factor in where they make their homes is where they meet their wives-to-be. So, with that in mind each summer we are going to spend time there and invite them to come and just hang out. Get used to the place and perhaps, who knows what will happen for there are some very pretty Swiss women there too.

September second of this year will be our wedding date. We decided on that day because with the tour ending at the end of July, we would have a month to put the finishing touches on and it would be at a time when both Falk and Johannes are out of school, even if they decide to attend summer school.

Liesel decides that she does want to have a traditional wedding, white dress and all. Why not? The time has long passed for stigmatizing women when there never was such nonsense for men.
We lay on the couch, drowsy, talking in whispers sometimes at other times laughing loudly at something one or the other said was funny.

Before we go to sleep in each other’s arms she says that we should have another child. That was like a dash of cold water for me as far as the waking up part was concerned. There is nothing that I’d like more than to have another child with Liesel. A little girl preferably but then a boy would be just fine too.

My reply to her is that we can probably manage two. Her smile tells me that she has read my mind. It was very nice to be on the same page with each other.

We didn’t bother to go to our separate beds. We lay there on the sofa, lights dim and nodded off since there were only a few hours left before my flight.

I did get a scare though.

Falk, having left a score of music that he needed for his tomorrow’s class at his mother house, almost sent me through the roof when he turned the key in the lock.

Fortunately I woke up alert and aware of just what was happening. He came in and saw Liesel lying in my arms on the narrow sofa, thank Gott we were clothed, and he smiled, got what he needed and waved a good bye. Liesel never knew that he had entered or that he left.

The next morning I insisted that she sleep in, it had been a late night for her, and I could easily have gotten a cab for the hour or so drive back to the city but she was adamant about seeing me off.

We didn’t talk much on the drive in to the airport. She knew that I was going back to Karin but she never asked me a word as to whether I would tell her about us, what I was going to say to her, not even when or anything of that nature. In spite of her silence on the subject she must have wondered so I thought that I would reassure her about a couple of things.


“Liesel, you know that Karin is quite unaware of anything that has transpired here. She has sent me many emails, almost frantic because I have been slow in answering. I find it very hard to pretend that things are right between us but still I haven’t wanted to tell her anything in writing.”

“You think she’ll be hurt more if you write. That it is such a cold way of breaking off?”

Liesel lay with her head back on the seat, obviously drowsy but I was glad to have her with me up until the last second when we have to part.

“I suppose that it would be a cold way to say goodbye now that you mention it but my primary reason is that she would use anything that I write against me later. She is going to be furious with me. I do not plan to tell her anything about you, she can’t hurt you but she can sure talk to the press.”

“What will you say?”

“I’ll tell her the truth. That she and I have lived past the time when we should be together, that I am moving on and that I wish her well. She will rant and rave at first; then she’ll cry, knowing that in the past her tears have affected me. But in the end, there is no power that can make a man and a woman stay together when one of them wants out.”

Liesel hadn’t commented on that last statement. I read her like a book though and somehow I think she doubts that it will be as easy as I say it will.

Maybe she is reading me too for I know that it won’t be that easy but I am determined. Even after the breakup Karin will be there giving me looks that are either spiteful or persuasive, depending upon her mood and there in a nutshell is one of the big drawbacks for having an affair with a co-worker. Whatever happens I attempt to reassure Liesel.

“No matter what, she and I will never be together intimately again. That is over for good."

You go and get her out of your life Urs.. But I doubt it will be as easy as maybe he thinks and then again who knows..

Liesel I am glad you have told Urs how you feel..


More Soon

Laura

CHAPTER 21

(Off to Sweden)

I drop Urs off in front of the Airport. There is only time for a quick kiss and he is gone.

I should have gone home and gotten some more sleep, instead I drive only a few blocks away, position myself so that I can have a good view of the aircraft departing and I wait the whole time, the whole two hours until flight time just to see Scandinavian Airlines flight # 1216 take off, bank east and disappear. I blow a kiss just as it is fading into the early sunrise. My heart goes with him.

As I slowly drive back to my place I think about all we have planned, and hope that it works out. He is away so much. I could have flown with him today but for the boys. I am still tethered here to them, at least for a bit longer. It would not do to have both parents out of the country indefinitely.
**

At just about the time Liesel was beginning the drive home, Falk was calling his brother in Boston.

“What’s up Falk? You got me just before class.”

“Dad got to mom last night.”

“What do you meant, he got to her, you mean – “

“Yeah, I forgot to get something at the house and early this morning I found them together, sleeping on the sofa. And now he’s gone, I’m sure of it.”

“Damn. Do we need to go after him? I’ll bet together we could take him.”

“Hmmm I don’t know. You know how mom can be if we get into her business. Maybe we should wait and see what she has to say.”

“Well, I told you that she was weak concerning the guy. You even told him. He shouldn’t have taken advantage of her. What were they doing?

“She was asleep. He woke up when I came in. Thought he was going to jump me before he recognized who I was, I think he thought someone was breaking in.”

“What was he wearing?”

“Wearing? Jeans and a T-shirt I think. Both were fully dressed.”

“Oh. Don’t you think they would have undressed and gotten into bed, especially since they didn’t know you were coming back?”

“Ugh don’t remind me. Maybe.”

“I think we should wait and see. Perhaps he doesn’t mean to hurt her.”

“But he has that Karin girlfriend remember?”

“Yes, but still, I’m just saying that we should wait and see.”

“Ok, Later.”
**

It didn’t take long for the doubts to set in.

‘He told me that what he had with Karin is over. That he will break it off soon. I know that he means to do that but I also suspect that old habits die hard. Will the good feeling that he had from being here with us fade? She’ll be there with him for the next three months. He might mean well but I think that reality is more of a motivator than a fond memory.

May, June and July. It will be three months before we see each other again. Three months seems like lifetime. I don’t know if I can live that long without him.

He spoke of having Johannes and Falk come and work with them in June and July. He never mentioned one word about me. With them there with him, there would be no reason why I couldn’t join them. Already I worry and he isn’t even out of this country yet.

Liesel, you have to stop this, put your mind on your work or you’ll drive yourself crazy. ‘

So I tell myself. I have a feeling that this will be my mantra for the next three months. I must learn to trust him.
**

Out over the Atlantic I had already turned my mind towards the future. Three months is a relatively short time in the big scheme of things. Once July ends, I will be free from commitments for several months, then Liesel and I will get married, perhaps go home to Switzerland for a nice visit and, even when I have to return to work she’ll be able to get away for short periods.

True she doesn’t want to move out of the states while Falk and Johannes are in school there but she could leave them for a week or two to be with me. And there’s absolutely no reason why she can’t come sooner than three months, that is if the boys agree to work with me for a bit. I feel myself smile at the thought and the attractive flight attendant comes over to see if I needed anything. I thank her cordially but I want to tell her that unless she can produce Liesel out of a hat, there is nothing that will content me.

We have agreed that I will call her as soon as I land. After that it will have to be a combination of IMs and phone calls because of the time difference. But – I have a web cam packed in my bags, David will have to help me set it up, but once I learn how to use it, we’ll be able to communicate just a bit better. That doesn’t come near to replacing the real thing but it’s better than writing letters.

Mami; I suppose I will write to her and tell her what we have decided to do. I know she’ll be pleased. I expect that she’s waiting to hear from me since she promised Liesel that she would not tell me about Johannes or Falk, she’d allow Liesel to do it. I know that the enforced silence is almost killing mami. So yeah, I’d best get started with a letter to her.

I take out my laptop and begin composing the email; I’ll send it off to her as soon as we land.

Now about Karin. Her things will be in my flat and they will have to stay there until we end the tour. That is much too long. If we break it off in May, and she‘s not able to clear out until July, that will give her too much time to try to figure out a way to stay on. But still, how can I get her packed up? If I could, I could move her things to storage temporarily and once she finds a new place, have the things delivered there for her.

I still have good feelings towards her. It would be so unfair of me to accept her flaws when I needed her and then reject her now that I’ve found the love of my life again. Yes it is ‘again’. I have always loved Liesel. I can clearly see that even though I loved her, and wanted her friendship I didn’t want that love to interfere with my need to ‘sow wild oats’ as my mother would say, or do what I call ‘find myself’.

I think I needed to have the fun of having lots of girlfriends and now that I’ve done just that, I know that I will miss nothing when Liesel and I marry. Even if she is not as adept at ‘piano playing’ as she could be.

At one time I taught piano – that brought a smile to my lips. I’m sure that Liesel with her sexy body and open mind is precocious.


Dear Mami,

How you managed to restrain yourself for this long I will never know but I thank you and Liesel thanks you too I am quite sure.

About a week ago she arrived back here in London, disguised herself as a maid at a home where I was vacationing. She had tried to see me at other venues but our security is very good. Even so it took her all of a day and most of a second day before she got my attention. Let’s just say that in a black wig, glasses and sturdy housekeeping clothing, she was completely unappealing, almost.

Well she cornered me in the garden on Monday, I tell you Mami I had to sit or I would have fallen down. I was just that flabbergasted. You know me well enough to guess that I was quite angry with her for a few moments but I quickly came to my senses before I did her bodily harm, (thank you for insisting that one never ever hit a girl) I did manage to shake her Mami but I promise you, it was a gentle shake.

The next morning we left for the States and I met one of my sons, Falk, the one that you did not meet. I met him on that very first day. I met Johannes the next day. We had to fly up to Boston because he is in MIT there. There’s no reason for you to be familiar with MIT but I tell you mami, it is the premier school for Engineering in the US. He will be an Engineer, he is interested in Green projects but his off major is Robotics.

Guess what mami, Falk is a singer. His voice is very like mine, but a little stronger and with less vibrato. But I would say his voice is distinctive enough that he will make a good career in music. But with a degree from the NY Academy of the Arts, he will also be able to compose, or conduct.

You will be interested in knowing that we got along well with each other. It is so amazing how another human being, one that you’ve never met can have so many little things in common. I had always thought that these things come from imitation while the child is growing up but there are so many things Mami, the way Johannes holds his head when he talks, the way Falk throws his back when he laughs, their walk, their love of the motorbike, the foods they like and don’t like. Most of those things come from me mama, yet I can sometimes see Liesel coming through but in a very small way.


She did manage to give one of our sons blue eyes but the way he looks out at the world from those bright eyes looks suspiciously like me.

Before I reached America I had planned to have a DNA test done mami, I never told Liesel this, although she offered it without my mention of it. But once I saw them, I realize that there is no need.

Liesel and I have decided that we were so successful with these two, (I count myself a success in the making of them, not the rearing of them) until we are going to try for a girl. We are both still young enough that we might have two. Do not cringe Mami, we have decided that this time we will marry first. September 2nd is the date and it’s on the first Saturday in that month. We’ll probably have the ceremony performed in NYC because the boys are due back in school very soon after that date.

I know that you hate to fly Mami, so, if you cannot make it, I understand but we will take lots of pictures and do a DVD so that you can feel as if you have a front row seat.

So mami, it seems that all will be well for it is ending well.
Love, Urs

I sat for a few minutes; that had been a long communiqué coming from me, my emails were more like “Hello, I’m fine, goodbye, Urs”.
I ask the flight attendant to bring me a beer. I think I’ll snooze a bit. I’m too excited to be sleepy but I do need to pass the time. After I awaken, I’ll play my guitar for a bit and before I know it I’ll be landing in Sweden.

But there is one more thought that crosses my mind, one bit of unfinished business. My thoughts turn back to Karin. Perhaps if I can find two days off, we can fly together back to the UK, pack up her things, put them in storage and that will be that. She won’t be happy about the breakup but I have always managed to end a relationship on friendly terms. It won’t be any different this time with Karin.

CHAPTER 22

(I Must Tell Her)

Gothenburg is a pretty city located on the West Coast of Sweden. It is the second largest city in that country and it is my first time being there. The Gota Alv River runs through the city and I get a good look at it in the cab on my way to the hotel.

Arriving at the hotel in Gothenburg Sweden is in many ways like coming home. I am quite happy to see the guys again and we do our usual joking around, they love to try to pry into my business and I love to throw them off the track.

It had started with David. “So Swiss man, did you go home?” David is the happy go lucky type so he doesn’t imagine that a great tragedy has fallen on me, he didn’t know why I took a side trip but he’d never suspect that the reasons are negative. “Did you have to see a man about a dog?”

I remembered that this was American speak when one had no intention of telling another what he had been doing. Seb didn’t remember that.

“He wouldn’t take off in the middle of a vacation just to see about a dog, where would he keep one anyway? Probably something very bad happened. Are you all right mon ami?”

Carlos is more practical. His philosophy is to man up to whatever it is; since I am back, it must be all right now. “Glad you made it back in time for tonight. Management will be glad too.”

Each in his own way waited for me to elaborate and I almost did but I felt I needed to talk with Karin before I told the guys about Liesel, before I told them about Falk and Johannes. I get a little thrill in my stomach just thinking about them.

“Everything is fine guys. I feel like we’re going to knock them dead tonight. What time is the sound check?”

We are performing at the Scandinavium Arena later tonight but the sound check is so soon that I know I’ll have to wait until after the show to have the talk with Karin. I am sure she has booked us into the same room tonight. Perhaps I should get myself another room just in case they are filled up by the time the show ends.

It is too bad to book the room before I talk to Karin but I had best not spend the night in the same room with her. Somehow, somewhere, Karin would let Liesel know about it even if it takes her ten years to get around to the telling of it.

By the time I finish getting my own room and go up to store my gear in there it is time for the sound check, so I hurry down to join the fellows for the ride to the arena.

The performance went well. After a week off we were all refreshed and glad to be back on stage. As usual we did the best we could and the audience was very appreciative which is quite gratifying to us.

I’m not looking forward to facing Karin. Earlier I sent her up to ‘our’ room telling her I’d be up shortly after I had talked to Steve for a bit. She went up quite willingly, she had been glad to see me after my week’s absence.

Too bad I am learning how to handle her only after it is all over. She is one of those women who take kindness as weakness. Perhaps if I had ordered her around more, she wouldn’t have become so confident in her hold over me that she began to talk to me like I was her shoe. Had I been a bit more forceful with her she would have realized that there’d be a penalty for that behavior.

Having forgotten to get the room number and the key, I pulled out my ID and went by the front desk where the clerk verified that I was checked into two rooms. One under just my name the other shared with Karin Cain.

I got the key to ‘our’ room and after going up in the elevator I approached and let myself in. I admit I am feeling a bit apprehensive, like I need a Tums or Maalox or something. The woman can take on the persona of a terrier when she takes a notion to. Most of the time I don’t mind but tonight I am feeling guilty. Dropping a girlfriend is not something that I do every day.

Her reaction helps alleviate that feeling of guilt somewhat.

“Urs, someone mentioned that you arrived around two o’clock in the afternoon and you’re just now saying hello to me? What is going on?”

“I’m sorry for that Karin. I’ve had a lot on my mind. The way I rushed off and left you out at the Mansion without an explanation. That was wrong of me but I’m afraid that you’ll think what I’m about to say next is even more wrong but I have to break if off with you.”

“Why? Are you in some kind of trouble?”

“No, no trouble. Things have changed that’s all.”

“I don’t believe you. You can’t just drop me. I didn’t start this thing between us, you did. It was your idea, not mine. Have you forgotten all of the little notes you used to write to me, unsigned? I knew it was you. The sugar packets you used to hand me meaning I’m sweet? If I had known you would do this, I… I wish you had just let me be.”

I listened to her, knowing that this would be her first response, a play to get my sympathy. That is the side of her that I fell for in the beginning.

Of course she is forgetting that it was not all me. She had started it. I had hardly been aware of her until one day she touched my butt as she walked by. I remember that I almost jumped out of my boots. I know that men will touch a woman there especially in Italy and France but women don’t usually go around being that obvious in their interest.

After that she was always there giving me smiles of encouragement from backstage, when I went to dinner she’d ask if she could join me and she was really funny. I fell for her.


“Urs, I don’t know why I fell for you in the first place. You’re just a dumb Swiss yodeling country boy. Carlos is more my style but he has a wife. “

There it is, that’s the part of herself that she doesn’t reveal until she can’t have her way. I never saw it until we had bedded each other several times and made it obvious to the guys and the crew that we were a couple. When she felt that she had beat out the other women around us who had also shown a more subtle interest in me, only then did she reveal that she had a caustic side too. I hadn’t minded. I always knew that we weren’t in this thing for life.

“I tried to make you into something but you’re a walking gorilla, hairy, wearing jeans and boots with your hair in a pony tail, still riding a bike at your age. I hate you!”

I smile at her. She hates it when I do that. Her words don’t bother me because I know she likes it when this hairy gorilla sc**ws her. She would love it if I did it with my boots on.

“It’s that woman isn’t it? Don’t look at me as if you don’t know who I’m talking about. It’s that woman from your country; that maid.”

She made the word maid sound like she was speaking about a pile of s**t. I felt a surge of anger but I shouldn’t feel anger, not really. Karin is being what she has always been, what I have always knew she was. I am so relieved that she knows nothing about Liesel. I renew my promise to myself that she won’t know about her, not for a very long time.

Truth to tell this was only going to last for a limited amount of time. I had traded mistreatment for convenience. I have been willing to take verbal abuse, including name calling about me and just about everyone else, foul language, and just a disposition that could turn nasty in an instance at some perceived threat, perhaps from a fan, or even the other guys. All for the sake of having a sex partner with me on a daily basis. Utterly senseless Urs, I told myself.

“Whatever it is Karin, it is no longer a concern of yours. I now set you free of me and my hairy body and my country ways. Find yourself a man who is polished, a real Armani man through and through. We both know that I pretend to be that, and can even be that part of the time but I will never ever allow you to turn me into what you really need, what you really want.”

“What do you mean what I really need and want?”

“I mean, little Karin, that you yourself want to be abused. That’s why you dish it out so readily. You want a man who will shout at you, get all worked up, perhaps even knock you around but gently, so none of it shows. You’d like nothing better than for me to throw you on that bed in there and force you to take back everything that you said about me earlier. And then place your legs on my shoulders and do you so hard that your head pounds the headboard about a thousand times, until you cried for mercy and until I become the animal that you accuse me of being.”

Karin’s eyes opened wider. Perhaps she hadn’t realized what was behind all of the harping. Good, perhaps she would now go and find a man who was of in accord with her.

But for myself, I need a relationship based on love and caring, not one where love is shown through how possessive one can be; how much one can goad, how hard one can physically make love as a way of making up. I have had enough of this so I let myself out the door. I ignore her calls for me to come back or she’d make me sorry.

Once I am in my room I call down to the front desk and leave a specific and limited number of names of those to whom my room number can be revealed. Karin Cain’s name is definitely not on that list.

I decide to call Liesel before I allow myself to fall asleep. It has been a long day.

CHAPTER 23

(She Makes It Easy)

“Hey, how are you?” I listen as she answers me and I grin in response to the smile that I hear in her voice.

“Urs! You made it safely. I was beginning to get worried but I thought you might have gotten held up.”

“Yes, we had a performance tonight and it went well; management doesn’t like it when we cut corners too closely. I only had about an hour to spare before the sound check. How’s everything with you?”

“I’m back hard at work. I called my staff back today too. They were expecting it though. I had given them a week off and said that I’d be in touch if it went on longer.”

“That’s right. You had expected to be in London for the rest of the week.”


"Actually that was my second week, I flew in a week earlier just to learn the job but Mrs. Ward - not Mrs. Chiff - found out that I already knew how to be a maid so when my Oma died, I left for Switzerland for the funeral and had only returned on the day that you came.”

“You were prepared to go to those lengths to talk to me?”

“What lengths, work as a maid for two weeks? Yes. Not hard at all considering that I did it for over five years.”

We kept talking for a while, as new lovers do, I guess it’s called ‘bill and coo’. I’m not very good at it so it didn’t go on for too long before I got down to business.

“I just had the conversation with Karin…”

“Ah. And do you need a first aid kit to sew up your wounded heart?”


“You think it was hard to do? It wasn’t. At first I felt a bit of guilt, you know me, but she was so nasty that I got over that feeling in a hurry. So now we are free to go ahead with our plans.”

“Our plans to get married, have a baby, all that?”

“I am most definitely talking about all that. I am still feeling elated about it although I haven’t told anyone yet.”

“Well you haven’t had time. You just left me less than twenty-four hours ago.”

“It feels like forever. I’ve been thinking. We don’t have to wait until September you know. We don’t have to have the big wedding. You and the guys could fly and meet me somewhere on the trip and we could do it. Would you be up for that?”

“Of course I would. The big wedding is expendable. The only folk I would have invited are my Aunt and Pope, my two girlfriends, and some of the staff, cook, the gardener and housekeeper. Perhaps some of the business associates but most of those folk mean nothing to me, or I to them. So, yes I will put myself at your disposal.”

“I like the sound of that.” My voice must have dropped an octave, revealing that I meant something other than what she had intended.”

Liesel laughed a bit nervously I thought. “Well, Mr. Buhler, we’ll have to see about that won’t we?”

I supposed we would. “Look, I’ll take a good look at our schedule tomorrow; I haven’t seen it in weeks. Up until now it really hasn’t mattered what cities we were in or when we’d have days off but I’ll look at it and find a city for you to meet me in. Until then, keep it to yourself. We don’t want the press to meet us there with a bunch of questions.”



Liesel and I disconnected after that, at least from the phone. We would never again be disconnected again in our hearts. I turn out the lights and I think I went to sleep with a smile on my face.
**

After Urs rang off I got back to work. I usually work from home. With the wonder of the Internet, Web cams, IM, fax, phones, & pagers there is really no need for me to get out unless I really want to.

My secretary Lucretia will be showing up in about an hour. This face-to-face meeting is occurring only because I have been out of touch work-wise for over two weeks.

Most of Clarence’s projects I have given over into the hands of a financial advisement company. They can handle it and I am content to receive monthly mailed reports and to have a biannual tête à tête.

A few of those projects I kept for myself and had even taken on a new one since his death.

There are many old buildings in New York, especially many in the oldest parts of the city. It was in Harlem that I had focused on all because Lucretia had mentioned that her grandmother was desperately looking for a new flat since the current one, the one that she had lived in for most of her life, had gone to work from and had her children in was now quickly becoming a trap. That had gotten my interest.

“So Lucretia, are you saying that your grandmother feels that her flat is now unsafe? Is it because it is so old?”

Perhaps I could help the elderly lady get into a better place. I had met her once and found her to be gracious and kind.

Lucretia’s answer had surprised me. “It’s not the age of the apartment, Elizabeth. Most of the flats in New York have the same problem. They were all built before the American’s with Disabilities Act went into effect with complete disregard for the fact that many people are disabled and that folk grow old and can’t do what they used to do.”

I instantly thought of Aunt Trudy. She loved her space but the stairs had become too much for her and Pope to navigate with any degree of safety. She had thought that nothing could be done because the building engineer had said that the architecture wouldn’t support an elevator. But she and I had done a bit of investigating and found that a stair chair had been just the thing. With that and a few other renovations both she and Pope were delighted that they could stay where they had always been.

So Lucretia and I had gone to her grandma’s flat and did an assessment. We both decided that to put money into a building that Cleopha, her grandma didn’t own wouldn’t make sense, that’s when I got the idea of taking an old building composed of several flats, renovating them and renting them individually to the elderly people at a price that they could afford.

We had used Cleopha as our expert to tell us what needed to be done.
We found an empty building that housed about twelve family apartments, and because most seniors do not need or want an 1800 sq Ft flat we subdivided the apartment. Now it could comfortably house twice that many seniors and leave room for a few other amenities on the first floor.

We renovated one flat first so that we were sure to know what we were doing before we tackled the rest. We started with our now 900 square foot 1960’s efficiency with boring beige walls, thresholds that could cause nasty falls and narrow bathroom entryways that couldn’t accommodate walkers or wheelchairs.

It took us about eight months of reconstruction, it now features many of the usual adaptations for the elderly and handicapped, such as grab bars and shower seating, as well as such less common ones as remote-controlled window shades and countertops with easy-to-see edges. We added recliners that angle forward to help someone move independently from a sitting to standing position.

We really focused heavily on preventing falls. We removed features that cause falls, such as lamps with cords and replaced them with recessed lighting. We avoided floor coverings, such as rugs that would lead one to trip.

We used Corian counters that have beveled edges in a contrasting color, which clearly denoted the end of the counter for anyone whose eyesight is impaired, and because Corian is heat resistant, some dishes can slide from the stovetop to dining counter rather than being picked up and carried.

Today the two of us are going over to do the final inspection of the model before we give the go ahead to the construction company hired to carry out the full renovation.

We already had a list of seniors each of whom we have interviewed individually. They are already on a waiting list to move in.

We hadn’t just gone with income, low or high. We went with those who had learned to live.

That criterion might sound strange to someone not familiar with bringing a group of folk who had never lived together in one large building together. I certainly was not familiar with this concept. But after talking to the social worker at the local senior citizen’s home she talked about dreams and aspirations and how that was so interconnected to one’s attitude towards life.

She had said that she thought if we wanted to have a building full of relatively contented people, we should choose those who had hobbies other than gossip, who had positive attitudes; meaning those who saw what was right with life rather than what is wrong. Her experience had taught her that both of those qualities were more important than health in determining their quality of life.

So, we had on our list a man who had been a former jack hammer operator who had always want to sing in a group and had never had been able to get the time off from work or the encouragement to do so. His goal was to canvass the apartments and see if he could get a little barbershop quartet group going singing songs that had been popular in the 1930’s and 40’s when he was young.

Also on the list was an artist who painted flowers. She said that she wanted to teach anyone who was willing to learn, and if not, she liked that the north lighting in one of the rooms would enable her to keep painting.

We had writers, and people who wanted to act in a play.

It had not taken us long to see that the additional space on the first floor, in addition to a health clinic and pharmacy, needed a stage which would serve as a mini performance center.

And word had gotten out. Calls came in daily to the business number wanting to know when we were going to start production of a second Senior Renewal Center as the seniors had called it themselves.

So when I told Urs earlier today that I was working, that is what I meant.


Having to stay here in NYC for a few more years would give me time to turn this whole project over to Lucretia. Right now she is madly taking night courses in business so that she can learn all that she can. She sees this as a marvelous opportunity for her and I agree that it is, just as my inheritance was an opportunity for me.

Just because folk such as Lucretia and I did not earn our start, there’s nothing to keep us from allowing others to benefit from the generosity.